I'm feeling quite pathetic, at the moment.

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#1 Sep 21 - 4PM

dulcinea441

I'm feeling quite pathetic, at the moment.

My Narc ex very recently dumped me in the cruelest way imaginable and I've heard nothing from him since. The sad thing is, I'm so emotionally screwed up that I find myself actually envying those of you who are being Narc-attacked by your exes, even though I *know* that my ex is a toxic, evil man incapable of love, empathy, or remorse.

In my confused thinking, if he pestered me it would mean that he "misses" me. Intellectually I understand that that's delusional thinking on my part; I'm know I'm lucky to be left alone, and that if he were to come back it would only be to feed on me. But my heart still craves some kind of contact, even if it's painful. Right now I'd take ANYTHING besides this total abandonment and indifference.

I'm assuming this is a normal reaction to the trauma he inflicted (please tell me it is!). But damn, does is hurt.

#2 Sep 22 - 10PM

peteyrulz

Dulcinea..so glad I saw this thread tonite

I'm can empathize with you, almost exactly. 3 months out and I still can't believe that someone who proclaimed to love me so much turned on a dime and dropped me like a hot potato. via text. so many unanswered questions. no discussion, all on his terms, as everything in our relationship always was. I have been in such a deep depression; I am just now climbing to ground level. Thank goodness for my therapist. I feel so foolish for having fallen for this man. 1 1/2 years I was a complete idiot. after all, everything was All About Him! thanks for letting me vent..didn't mean to thread hog!

#3 Sep 22 - 10PM (Reply to #45)

dulcinea441

You're not thread hogging!

You're not thread hogging! :-) I'm glad we're all here for each other. We need this lifeline. Stay strong, we are in this together and we will heal together. Hugs xoxo

#4 Sep 22 - 7PM

enpsychopedia r... (not verified)

It's completely normal. It

It's completely normal. It will take many months but you will eventually be thanking God that he's doing what he's doing. Mine did the same. He was also completely stealthy, only presented a loving facade for almost 2 years! Then one day...nothing....just a void. No explanation. I thought I'd lose my mind. I had to grip my right hand with my left to keep from tearing my hair out! People who have creepy mean narcs have one set of problems. Those who have a totally loving presence who disappears without explanation have a whole other set of difficulties. I think those dealing with stealthy monsters have the toughest time right after the split. It was as if we never existed to the other person...and by extension to ourselves. If you have an intensely close, affectionate relationship it's like you're a little girl and your mother just walked out the door and never came back. It goes beyond hurting, it's damaging on a soul level, and there will be spiritual and real world consequences for this type in particular.

#5 Sep 22 - 9PM (Reply to #40)

dulcinea441

The psychological pain from

The psychological pain from his total abandonment is just devastating. And he knew that that is one of my deepest fears. He knew I never got over the death of my father as a little girl and that the pain of that loss still haunts me to this day. He knew all that -- pretended to care deeply about it -- and then he does THIS to me. When I think about it, it's very hard for me to have any feeling of compassion for him.

#6 Sep 22 - 10PM (Reply to #42)

It.Was.All.Abou...

Your worst fears

I understand. I explained to my n what would hurt me most. Then I watched her orchestrate it. I watched her do everything I told her would hurt the most. That is what really devestated me. Who does this? Asbif saying " ah ha! I fooled you. Fool". Pure evil.

#7 Sep 22 - 10PM (Reply to #43)

dulcinea441

I'm so sorry to hear that.

I'm so sorry to hear that. Reading everyone's stories just reminds me that these people are total predators -- all the same at their core -- and there is nothing we did to deserve the treatment we got from them.

#8 Sep 22 - 10PM (Reply to #41)

It.Was.All.Abou...

Your worst fears

#9 Sep 22 - 9PM (Reply to #39)

Hope

I agree with this 100%

I agree with you enpsychopedia...it's been 17 months for me NC and I still think about it, but I'm getting better, I have a wonderful life!!!

#10 Sep 22 - 6PM

It.Was.All.Abou...

rejecting them doesn't help

It's amazing how this competitive "win" by rejecting behavior infects us. I read somewhere that it's also the reason that those who think everything is a game of win and lose (mostly Ns and Psychopaths) think everyone else is operating the same way. They're behavior perpetuates this response in others and is a self-fullfillingn prophecy. I lok back on e-mails all the time and am surprised to find that I ignored at least 4 invitations from the N. So, technically I rejected her? That brings me no satisfaction whatsoever, except to be glad I was able to somehow remain healthy enough to not get sucked in. But I get no pleasure from the "rejection." Because it isn't even that. It's me trying to stay alive. But I still cry all the time and I can't stop thinking about it, which is getting really tiresome. I didn't really reject her. None of this was what I wanted. It was torture, save the first 20 days. Yet I still want those early days back. So, I guess the point is -- I'm no less tortured for having "rejected her."

#11 Sep 22 - 7PM (Reply to #35)

rosedewittbukater

rejecting them

Yes, this is a keen observation, thank you for this. I feel the same way. In the end, I ended it yet I feel as if I was the one rejected, because, in actuality I was! When I have tried to explain it a few times to others, I used the phrase "It was her or me". Of course, then the other person looks at me as if I have three eyes. They couldn't possibly get it. So, I know exactly what you mean when you say you were just "trying to stay alive". Only in narcland can you be the one that walked away and yet be the rejected one. hugs, Rose

#12 Sep 22 - 11PM (Reply to #36)

Pride and Shame

Rose and All About Her

Same. He DROVE me away with his actions and his words. If I stayed I would have completely abandoned myself. He wants someone who will do that. That person would then be in an extremely dangerous position psychologically.

#13 Sep 22 - 11PM (Reply to #37)

rosedewittbukater

Abandoning ourselves

We were too strong! Doing this means denying ourselves then little by little we lose a piece of ourselves...until one day there is nothing left, just like them our souls will die. We all deserve better.

#14 Sep 22 - 7PM (Reply to #32)

Susan32

The "pleasure" of rejection

Same technicality here. The ex-Psych prof idolizes Ludwig Wittgenstein, and early on he'd say that he&I would one day be indifferent to each other, like Wittgenstein eventually was with his mentor Bertrand Russell. The last time Wittgenstein and Russell (who once admired each other immensely) saw each other, they passed each other without so much as a hello. Tho the ex-P publicly D&D'd me.... I was the one who left Santa Fe without a goodbye. It was wrenching. I WANTED to say goodbye to the professors I respected, wanted to at least let them know... but I couldn't, for fear he'd find out. I never got a chance to say goodbye to the ex-P, wish him and his girlfriend a happy life together. I CARED about him... so here I was, going back to Oregon in practically a fetal position. I spent my first 4 months back in Oregon recuperating. I was too emotionally drained to look for a job. I was numb, in shock. I didn't want to unceremoniously dump the ex-P without a proper farewell-but for survival, I had to. Only my roommate, and a couple of friends of mine knew I was leaving-and since they weren't in town-I left in secret. It's difficult to pretend to NOT CARE when you care. When it's how you feel. I felt like I was lying-to myself and to him. Not comfortable. The ex-P talked about how he drove people away my freshman year. He did it to his colleagues... and eventually me.

#15 Sep 22 - 7PM (Reply to #33)

It.Was.All.Abou...

Public D&D

I got the public D&D too. And it was so unnecessary. I'm sure it always is. I was ready to be a fiend. She put me in my place. And that's when I saw that she took pleasure in my pain and that's when I shut up. Stopped talking. I work with her, so it's a kind of daily torture. I figured that was my blowoff. But I think now, I was just being invited into the next level of sickness. The triangle with another woman young enough to be my daughter. I could think of nothing more humiliating. So, I don't even know if that was really a D&D. If it wasn't, I can't imagine how much fun the real one would be.

#16 Sep 22 - 8PM (Reply to #34)

Susan32

Triangulation

I remember telling the ex-Psych prof "All you had to say was that you already had a girlfriend;you didn't have to lecture me endlessly." I didn't have to be publicly humiliated, cast aside, reduced to tears in front of everyone. It was after a friend of mine died that he flaunted his girlfriend. Except, in my case, his live-in girlfriend was a decade OLDER than me. So it was surreal. At the time of the final D&D, the ex-P was 36, his girlfriend was 31... and I was 21. I told the ex-P how I had a male friend who was engaged, that it turned out he wasn't romantically interested in me, but that we were still friends without anger&bitterness, the ex-P snapped, "Don't bring me down to your level!" There were more twists to my story because my classmates thought his girlfriend was a lesbian (her tank top was a BIG DEAL), it was an ex-BOYFRIEND of his who warned me (rather than an ex-girlfriend/ex-wife)... and,as one of my friends noted,"He's attracted to you because you look like a boy." I'm tomboyish, and the ex-P preferred it if I looked manly. His girlfriend was quite masculine. He was suspected of being gay, and he was also virulently homophobic. When Clinton passed DOMA, the ex-P was ecstatic. Yet he had a MAJOR crush on then governor (now GOP candidate for President) Gary Johnson. The ex-P knew I could've been his friend, I could've at least been invited to the wedding, that I was ready to forgive him... but he blew his chances sky high. He cared more about people "being in their place",being subservient, than being friends.

#17 Sep 22 - 7AM

Puzzle

You are not pathetic. It is

You are not pathetic. It is normal to wonder why the person you were with can abolish you from their mind so quickly. I went out with my N for 5 years, and we brokeup 5 months ago....he never chased me or tried to get me back or talk to me. I saw a friend today who made a passing comment that he looked so happy at work he must be getting laid. It hurt me to hear that.... Of course we wonder why we care, I think in our minds we realise it is for the best, but a part of us would love the opportunity to be the one declining their advances. Eventually either way the contact will stop even with the people who have their Narcs chasing them...and the come down is just as bad. It is a true addiction. I know exactly how you are feeling, I long for mine to make some kind of gesture my way to have that feeling of satisfaction, but then realise it would be so much harder if he were contacting me all the time, because then I would be tempted to have him in my life again. It is easier in some ways and so much harder in others. I feel your insanity...we know in our heads we are lucky, but our hearts say another thing entirely.

#18 Sep 22 - 9PM (Reply to #30)

dulcinea441

Thank you. It's a relief to

Thank you. It's a relief to know that I'm not crazy, even though I feel like a madwoman at the end of her rope, at the moment.

#19 Sep 22 - 2AM

Pride and Shame

Thinking in circles

I would get caught up in this circular thinking, too. What does he mean if he contacts me this way, if he doesn't contact me at all. If he says this, does he really mean that.... etcetera, etcetera, ad nauseum! The bottom line is that it really shouldn't be that hard. If someone likes you, loves you, they tell you so that you can understand. Right?? They want you to know how they feel. They want to protect you. They make you feel safe. They want your best interests, too. And, yes, it hurts when it's wrong. **It shouldn't hurt. Why would someone who loves you want you to feel hurt? (**said many times to myself)

#20 Sep 22 - 9PM (Reply to #28)

dulcinea441

It's starting to sink in just

It's starting to sink in just how diabolically cruel he was to me. Up till now I think I've been looking for some reason to excuse his behavior -- chalking it up to *his* pain, and so forth -- in an unconscious belief that doing so leaves the door open to future reconciliation. But I'm beginning to notice symptoms of PTSD related to his abuse. For instance, when the phone rings, my heart begins to palpitate and I'm overcome with anxiety. Or when I check my email -- even though it's a new address and he has no access to it -- I become nauseous every time. Someone who loved me would not have wanted me to feel this way, like an abused animal. It seems obvious, but it's taking me a while to get it into my head that his treatment of me was totally unacceptable.

#21 Sep 22 - 1AM

strivingforhealing (not verified)

Dignity, Self Preservation and Empowerment in NC

I know how hard this is. I so know...the 2 opposing feelings- of getting how fucked up they are and still wanting them to contact you.. You have to be the voice of reason for the little girl who wants him to contact. You have to be the strong parent that guides her when she can't see clearly. Does he miss me? Was I special? Did he adore me? Is he thinking of me like I am him? Is he longing for me? These questions go around and around in my head too- and ya know what- my N. contacted me and sought me out this week- and I am STILL confused...because the way he does it ( and many others) is to be ambiguous enough that they don't look vulnerable or weak..but assertive enough to pull you in and leave you obsessing. this is where I have been- wondering what his hoovering was really for- because he loves and misses me or because he just is bored, wants my adoration, doesn't really care for his new OW.... So even when they do contact- you get NO CLARITY. they will forever leave you confused and uncertain. They throw crumbs just enough to leave you hungry for more. I want peace more than I want him to reach out. Because- all his seduction and reeling me back in- has basically left me with an 8 years off and on rollercoaster or anxiety, trauma, doubt, pain and anguish. So sweetie, I promise you- with strong NC on your part- and feeling all the feelings, getting support from those ahead of you on this journey- you will survive this pain.

#22 Sep 22 - 9PM (Reply to #26)

dulcinea441

Thank you for that, Striving.

#23 Sep 22 - 12AM

aceonelady

Dulcinea...me too

But believe me they do not want us back...that's not why they hoover...mine is in the USA and me in Europe...he hoovers me by saying he noticed i have not sent him any emails...he says he is very sorry about the insults...and that everything is going well for me...in fact,this means NOTHING...he changed his cell number,he blocked me on Skype,THAT tells me something..me too i thought and to be honest i was happy when i got his email after 2 years...but it only made me more confuse and sad,because was not and will never be what i wanted to hear...and maybe that is what is saving me...that he do not tell me what i wanted to hear...i am still confused,but NC again for 15 days already.HUGHS...

Aceonelady

#24 Sep 22 - 9PM (Reply to #24)

dulcinea441

Hugs to you, too. xoxo

#25 Sep 21 - 9PM

Dema

It IS normal

But you don't want him. You really don't. And he likely will come back - just in time to rock a world that is almost stable. Get your armor ready.

#26 Sep 22 - 9PM (Reply to #22)

dulcinea441

Man, right now I'm too

Man, right now I'm too depleted to fend off an attack. I'm practically comatose from emotional exhaustion. That could be a good thing if he tried to come back, though -- he'd find his victim catatonic, lol.

#27 Sep 21 - 7PM

Unfreakinreal

You do not want him to

You do not want him to contact you. I have done the D&D then hoover at least 20 times in the past 8 months. And I am not exaggerating. Every time hurts worse than the last. I finally called him out on everything, let him know that I knew exactly who and what he was. I know it hurts, believe me, I do. But total abandonment sounds like paradise to me. It is completely normal what you are feeling. I hope you are able to find some peace soon. Xoxo

#28 Sep 21 - 8PM (Reply to #19)

dulcinea441

I know in time I'll be

I know in time I'll be thankful that he doesn't come back -- IF, in fact, he doesn't come back. I'm assuming he won't since I unmasked him as a narc in my final letter. But who knows with these characters.

#29 Sep 21 - 8PM (Reply to #20)

Unfreakinreal

Who knows is right...

Don't get me wrong, I still wish he would come back and magically be all I believed he was. But the reality is he won't, and I am honestly more at peace without him contacting me. And I have unmasked him before, we have had many conversations about it. Even thought he was seeing it within himself and wanted to change. And then he was gone. Again. And then he came back. Again. Over and over and over. It's no way to live.

#30 Sep 21 - 6PM

dazedandcnonfused

The silent treatment

The silent treatment is very cruel abuse. MY ex is the master at giving me the silent treatment, and that is always after sending me a text telling me awful things. And then goes silent. So that I am left spinning and grasping for answers. By going silent he is telling me that I am not worth the time or energy to communicate with. Tells me that I am a waste of time. I am in the midst of silent treatement for the past 6 weeks. I am not going to lie, I would do just about anything to hear from him again. I miss him so much. I dont understand why. I cant seem to get it through my head that he is not the person I want him to be. It is painful to be blocked out of someones life that you care for.

#31 Sep 21 - 7PM (Reply to #17)

dulcinea441

It's amazing how I can read

It's amazing how I can read what you wrote and think, "No one deserves to be treated like that! Be glad that he's out of your life!" But I can't apply that logic to myself. Love is blind and loving a narc especially so, at least at first. Hugs

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