I'm questioning...do I want too much. Am I high maintenance?

OMG! You have been through so much!!! Don't be so hard on yourself!!!

Happy, have you ever believed something and then found out it wasn't true? Everyone has. This bit about the N being your last hope? Last hope for WHAT, exactly? If it's last hope for love and family, you didn't get it from him when you had him. What kind of personality transplant would he need to be that man of your dreams?? This "last hope" belief is one of those beliefs that you come to realize is just not true. No matter how hard you believe it. No matter how old you think you are. It's just not true. Isn't that wonderful :) ((((hugs))))

I'm just like you, have this head in the clouds thing going on, where I'm the damsel in distress waiting to be rescued by my knight on a white charger. My N was never that knight if I think hard about it. He had that potential at the start but then kept falling off that trusty steed of his and getting back on and I'd give him another chance at it. I'm never going to lower my expectations again. That's right I lowered them, all be it unknowingly. I just have to envisage this knight of mine in a new way. This lady in waiting's knight is taking on a whole new form in my mind's eye. He's the complete opposite of my previous knight, he's gonna not try and sweep me off my feet cos I'm now scared of heights. He's not gonna have a predatory stare under that suit of armour, he's gonna have lovely kind eyes that actually light up when he smiles...NOT a sadistic grimace GRRRRR. He's gonna still listen adoringly to me go on and on and on about nothing EVEN after our honeymoon period has ended. If he hurts me accidentally he aint gonna rant and rave at me and say it's my fault for getting in the way. He will not demand how much butter to spread on his bread and how many grains of sugar has to be in his cup of tea. If his dinner is too hot or too cold he aint gonna have a dicky fit and he aint gonna go balistic if I just happen to say hello to another man in his presence. No sireee he's gonna be a wonderful knight in shining armour who will love me 'just the way I am', flaws and all and we are gonna make beautiful music together and live out the rest of our blissful lives up on that thar cloud number nine :) Sorry folks, this girl still wants the fairytale and the happy ever dafter, it may take a while but I now know what I'm NOT looking for.

Your expectations are NORMAL and HUMAN. The ex-Psych professor treated me like a demanding harpy when I simply wanted an intellectual discussion, a rational critique of my writing, to be listened to, to be treated with respect. He acted as if it were the burden of Sisyphus, the Greek mythological character who was forced to roll a stone up a hill in the Underworld as punishment, only for it to roll down again. I wanted him to be honest and respectful with me as I was honest and respectful with him. I wasn't expecting roses, romance (he was my TEACHER!) yet he thought that respecting his students' emotions was fraternization, a crossing of boundaries. He acted as if I owed him EVERYTHING- from my dating and my faith- and that he owed me NOTHING, not even a little bit of respect. And this is the same teacher who bawled about how the annual senior skit was soooo disrespectful because it mocked professors. He hated the concept of being lampooned. He would run away from it, literally. He expected his students to treat him with deference, to bow to his every whim, to revere him like a living saint.... I just hope his students were doing productive things during his happiness lecture such as updating their Facebook status and downloading the latest Justin Bieber onto their iPods. THAT would teach him a nice little lesson. Hopefully, his students are the ones teaching him valuable lessons.

Happy, Questioning yourself can be a good thing, it helps us to grow. Having said that, in this particular case you do not need to question yourself. Come on here girl, it is not HM to expect respect, fidelity, help with the bills, and all the rest of a baseline of integrity in a relationship. This guy is dangling the carrot and I am wondering if you are going down this path right now looking for excuses to go back? Only you know. Don't do it he is no good for you and your family. He is bad news. The mind can play tricks on us with this kind of thinking. You don't need more pain Happy, you have had enough. This can be a pattern. We begin to doubt ourselves, and question how bad they really were, and whether they are really that bad of a Narc. I see it all the time. This kind of thinking leads you right back. These are lies you tell yourself and they are not true. Remember the bad if you need to to change your thinking and do something good for Happy this evening. Take the focus off your alledged shortcomings and think of how wonderful you are. Write down at least 5 hopefully 10 things that are positive about yourself. May I suggest one: I love myself enough to stop even considering ever going back to this abusive man. God bless, Goldie

First, life is not like a soap opera - ever! Love is not like in the movies - ever! (at least not Hollywood blockbuster type movies). You are not asking too much, you are not high maintenance and you are not too needy to want affection, love and a little attention. You are not over board asking these things from someone who is supposed to care about you. He is not your last hope... I thought that in the past too about other guys, then when I was 39 I met a man I lived with for the next 8 years. That relationship ended naturally - I ended it because my needs were not being met (he was non-narc). At 47 I met my narc. I just turned 51 and often wonder if I will ever meet another to love and I'm sure women who are older than I am who have found love would just shake their heads at such negative thinking and tell me love can happen at any age. Oprah had a thing on her website about that - very good reading and when I was really down about my ex leaving that article helped me to feel some hope again. I hold onto that hope. I wish I was only 39 still - you have so much time. Give yourself some now! Get away from this guy and take care of yourself. Be alone, it isn't so bad. Learn about yourself and how to treat yourself better so when you are ready, you will attract a healthy relationship. There is nothing arrogant about knowing you are attractive. I am attractive - what does that mean anyway? Simply that we can attract others - that's it. Everyone is attractive in some way. You have been extremely abused here, that is why you are so confused and your head is spinning. He has been toxic for your self esteem and soul. Your suffering will end when you let him go. He is not good for you. Love isn't about hurting and you need to love yourself now more than you've ever needed to before. I hope my words aren't too harsh, but i don't know how to say it any softer in order for you to understand and get it. I know how horrible you feel, I have also felt so horrible, but life without these assholes is so much better than with. It is hard to see that right now, but you will once you are away from him for awhile. He does not deserve one more minute of you caring. Please care for yourself instead and really see what loving him has done to your sense of self so you can start healing and become whole again. You are worth so much more than you can realize right now because he has hurt you and torn your self esteem down in despicable ways. Please don't let him continue doing that! We are here for you and send you lots and lots of loving support and hugs! Journey on...

Are you kidding me? You in no way are expecting too much! Not one single bit. You know what you want, but since being involved with an N, your mind's thinking is all twisted. In your logical mind, you hate the drama, but since it is all you know, it seems normal. Comfortable misery...the unknown is scary. You deserve someone who treats you like a princess. But even in wonderful relationships, things take work and it won't be perfection. I am now with a wonderful man. Forever it didn't seem right. I kept comparing him to the N who I wasn't over. This new man has been so patient, loving and understanding. I tell you the truth about the situation and it could be show how shallow I had become. My N husband was super charming and attractive. I thought we matched physically (except maybe when I was pregnant and not feeling so attractive). Every guy who I met, I compared them to my ex N. I wanted someone to look, smell, dress and have his style cause it was what was comfortable to me. Then I met this current boyfriend (fiance, now). Well, he isn't as well built, nor strikingly attractive as the narc. He is quiet and reserved. At first, I was like, "NO WAY!" But we hit it off as friends. I saw his beauty on the inside. Such an unselfish man! He even wants to adopt my boys. My ex husband N may have been "HOT" on the outside but he was hell, satan, ugly, murdurous on the inside. This new guy is like a treasure I have found. And, he is so unselfish and giving physically, (if you know what I mean)! I never realized how wonderful a physical relationship could be like. So no, you aren't high maintenance. The one thing I would suggest, is to make sure you are well into your healing from the Narc, before you get involved with anyone though. The garbage you bring in does complicate things. I was two years into my N being gone before I met this new man, and I believe the wise thing for me to have done was to wait a couple of more years. But everyone is different.

I'm sorry you are feeling unhappy! I know it's hard, these guys really know how to work it. It really isn't you. Maybe it will make you feel better to know my Narc told me I was his best friend and more. Who wouldnt trust someone that says beautiful things. These creeps are Hollywood, love doesn't work the way Hollywood portrays it. As you know I had a difficult start to my holiday. By the time I left I realized what love is suppose to be. The people in my life, friends and family, they love, it's not just words, actions override words. Be patient with yourself, love will find u when you lest expect it. Oxox Idealk