I'm scared

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#1 Dec 28 - 7AM
unbreakable
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I'm scared

Most people think those with mental disturbances are "obvious" within our society...a person that talks to himself at the bus-stop, or a homeless drug abuser outside a liquor store.

However, those on the "disordered" spectrum are active in our daily lives, and present themselves in various ways.

I'm realizing its indeed a jungle out there, and I'm scared.

After doing so much research on PDs I've come to the conclusion that the recent N in my life was most likely a deranged sociopath. I read up on people like Ted Bundy and think, OMG that's him, minus all the murders. So many red flags that I just never paid attention to because I couldn't fathom that such people exist among us.

I mistook the first time he laid eyes upon me as 'love at first sight' but in reality his penetrating gaze was that of a lion's, licking his chops before he pounced on a zebra.

I mistook his interest in me as 'genuine', meanwhile I was just another plaything.

I misinterpreted his rage and self centered ways for passion, his mind games for flirting.

He said he LOVED women, he HATES women, all his actions, teasing, withhold, ST, and cruelty speak volumes!

I didn't realise that when he pursued me years ago, told all his friends that 'I was the one that got away' that it was really because his ego was injured, he felt rejected when i ended up marrying someone else and that he would come back one day (years later) to punish me and finally discard me.

He came back years later, knew me well enough to play on my hopes and dreams, caught me at a vulnerable time in my life where his idealization became like a drug for me. He played his cards right and when he had me 'hooked' slowly started his callous devaluing.

But this time I listened to my instincts. Something told me things weren't right with this person. He tried to 'hint' to me that things weren't good in his marriage, that they both wanted different things. I showed indifference and told him I was happy and working on my marriage. I wished the same for him, truly. But this wasn't the answer that he was waiting for, now I know that he wanted me to be begging and groveling for him so he could toss me aside- the grand finale he was waiting for.
I told him I wished things could have been different (GAG when I think about that now) tears were streaming down my face, he coldly and callously turned his back and walked away. He left me on a street corner crying, never looked back. That's what he wanted all along, the satisfaction that HE left me. There was never any love on his behalf, it was all about power and control.

It didn't stop there however, he still tried to contact me after that through email and texts. So what's the deal I'm thinking didn't he think he destroy me enough? I of course started to catch on that these were 'sick' games he was playing. I felt ill everytime I would have any kind of contact with him. I started to doubt myself. I stopped replying to his emails and politely declined a weekend where he wanted to meet up. I've been NC for nearly 3 months now!!!!!

I should be happy you'd think, that I escaped, alive, barely recovering from the clutches of this monster.

More than anything, I'm scared. I feel so afraid that he might do something to cause harm to me or my family. I think he realized that I caught on to what he was all about when I slyly disappeared into the shadows and stop answering emails and cut off all contact. I fear that he might feel that he didn't get the chance to discard me properly, that he might feel that i rejected him once again and he will be back to use things against me as a married woman- he is also married, and he has things he could use against me. OH GOD, I'm just spinning and panicking in fear today!

Please offer me some guidance.

Dec 28 - 11AM
lessonlearned
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i can relate to your post

Dec 28 - 11AM
thenewjane
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UB, i went through this, too

Dec 28 - 8AM
unbreakable
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Ughhhh rereading my post I

Dec 28 - 7AM
talktothehand
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Unbreakable

Dec 28 - 8AM (Reply to #7)
unbreakable
unbreakable's picture

Yes I'm fearful he will find

Dec 28 - 8AM (Reply to #8)
talktothehand
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Unbreakable

Dec 28 - 7AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Your story is my story, an

Dec 28 - 8AM (Reply to #5)
unbreakable
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Thx hunter This is exactly

Dec 28 - 7AM
Used
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unbreakable

Dec 28 - 8AM (Reply to #2)
unbreakable
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Thx used, Can you tell me

Dec 28 - 11AM (Reply to #3)
Used
Used's picture

unbreakable