I'm so confused...

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#1 Aug 19 - 9PM
Sunafterrain
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I'm so confused...

I had a therapy session today. It was an interesting one. We talked about my reactions in the relationship. It bothered me. It was only the tip of the ice berg, blowing up this man's phone (texting in anger and frustration), saying things I wish I'd never said, doing things I wish I'd never done. Some of my behaviors were borderline, PTSD, raging, etc. It was as if I took on his traits, while he enjoyed every single reaction and acted as the innocent party. The more I look back on my reactions,the more frightened I feel now. WHen I'm triggered, I react the same way. I'm so scared about this now. What if I was the one disordered and he was not or we both were?

The only distinction I can make now, is that I react much less, and only when triggered. I'm not seeking out, nor do I care to get into, another relationship. I know I'm not healthy enough to do that without "putting on a mask" and pretending nothing ever happened. My daughter and I talked about this a little bit today. She said that when he was around, I was a totally different person, totally into him and trying to be who he expected me to be. Sound familiar? I put him first before anyone else.

There are so many things I need to work on now. I'm trying very hard to take a positive approach to all of this and not beat myself up, but now I'm asking myself, how much of this was me, and how much was him? I'm working on disentangling the two. It's very difficult, I was so enmeshed.

Has anyone here felt this way or recognized this after the relationship is over? I was literally toxic the entire relationship.

IS there hope for me? I wonder now. How much of this was me?

I'm very frightened coming out of what has been, a ten year fog.

Aug 20 - 2AM
Jelickuk
Jelickuk's picture

I identify with you so

I identify with you so much. I acted like a banshee and lunatic the latter years of my marriage and truly believed I was evil or crazy. I went from therapist to therapist. Eventually a psychiatrist said to me...you will never recover whilst you are in the marriage. I thought she was crazy too...my husband was a saint to put up with me etc etc. Now I realise she was the first person to see my situation clearly. Yes I did behave horrendously, yes I screamed and swore and said awful things BUT I truly believe my behaviour was a reaction to what was happening. It was as if some part of me saw the truth whilst the rest of me was in such denial and self hate. The little girl inside me knew what he was doing and who he was and screamed and hollered for the lies and abuse to stop. Since my husband left, the grief, pain and abandonment has been mo than I could bear at times and I have plunged depths of hopelessness and loss I didn't even know existed BUT I feel clean and sane. I don't know if that makes sense but with him I always felt dirty and messy. You aren't alone.
Aug 20 - 12AM
freaked
freaked's picture

IMHO, and speaking from experience

Sun, imho, please try to manage this without the Therapist Factor. I personally recommend you stay on this forum and periodically check Sam Vakin's site ..and get a hold on the devastation. I am speaking from experience. Therapists, I am sure are well meaning folk..but if they have not had a Narc Experience personally...they can never empathise sincerely. Just talking is useless for all of us who are here. Are you free to step out of your house without being questioned? Do you have a job? Are you financially comfortable? If you have answered YES to any of the questions above, then please receive this HOPE i am sending out to you. First and foremost...in order to HEAL...we just HAVE to reach out and HELP a fellow victim. In any way we can. If you can personally help to feed or educate poor children..or give your time at an old age home... believe me... YOU WILL RECOVER WITHIN 3 MONTHS..max. I am CAGED here...and do not have any money of my own. Grateful that Internet is being allowed for the time being...and so I am grateful to have the blessing of having found Lisa's forum and all you wonderful human beings. This is the last straw I am holding on to. I just want to fight this alien invasion...and find strength by being with all of you here. Blessings and love..from a deep and airless pit
Aug 20 - 12AM
58 and going strong
58 and going strong's picture

Sun, a therapist once said to

Sun, a therapist once said to me "Confusion is good - it's a sign that something is changing." You'll be getting there, one step at a time. Just keep going. It's a long road, but the farther you go, the smoother it gets. Big hug!
Aug 20 - 12AM (Reply to #17)
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture

58

Well that's a new one on me! I'm happy to hear that because it means progress!!! Hugs!
Aug 19 - 11PM
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

Sun

I think the N sets it up this way. They've had years of experience at "pedation." I look back and think about things mine said to me in the early stages of our r/s. It's like they make it seem certain behaviors are normal or will evolve bc the "love" is so strong, thereby getting you to lower your boundaries and to trust them fully like you will be accepted 100%. Then they start the crazy-making, withhold, bait, act out, unpredictable rages, silent treatment etc. You are trying to respond rationally, but they push our buttons so well, that you feel sometimes you have to react in kind to be heard. Of course, by this time, the tables get turned, the d&d has heated up to a boil, and they're pointing the finger at how crazy you are. I didn't start out toxic, but he was definitely pushing my buttons and bringing out my childhood fears and hurts. I was scared of him in the end and didn't trust him. It's what they do.
Aug 20 - 12AM (Reply to #12)
freaked
freaked's picture

Helpful post, Caligirl

Caligirl, your post is truly helpful. Thank you for that... yeah..the narc SET ME UP TOO... and like a complete fool..i believed his crap...well..for me I really didnt have an option...coz I lost my parents within 3 years after i was married to the narc... and then the narc systematically cleaned out all my money.. and made sure i found it impossible to go back to work.. Yep.. I was suffocated. I continue to survive within this suffocation.. All you sweet angels..have helped me get a grip..from this airless dungeon.
Aug 20 - 1AM (Reply to #15)
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture

Freaked

you can and WILL get out from under all of this. I'm so sorry for what this bastard did to you! Hang in there and keep posting! You'll make it!
Aug 20 - 1AM (Reply to #13)
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

Thanks, freaked

Glad that was helpful. I'm so thankful for this site and the support it has given to me in a time when I thought I couldn't go on. I was devastated and felt hopeless and alone right after leaving my ExN and going complete N/C. I had no one to talk to who would understand. That was over 4 months ago. That is horrible about losing your parents and for your NH to take advantage of that! These N's make me sick!!! This journey of recovery has truly been the most difficult challenge of my life, and I have had many challenges, including a divorce from an almost 10-year marriage. I'm sending positive thoughts your way that you will be able to breathe easier tonight and in the journey ahead. We are all here if you need to vent, scream, cry, talk, whatever. Keep on keeping on sister!
Aug 20 - 1AM (Reply to #14)
Sunafterrain
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Cali

I agree with the challenges part of your post. I feel sorry for the ex's new wife. She is wealthy. And he will take every dime of it. And she has young children and is now pregnant with his child. All within a few months time. Unbelievable to me. And sickening.
Aug 19 - 11PM (Reply to #10)
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture

Cali

That was an excellent description and very helpful! Thank you!
Aug 20 - 12AM (Reply to #11)
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

You're welcome, Sun

Glad I could help. I too wish I had had a better grip on things when I was in the middle of it with my ExN, but it really is hard to see when you're in the middle of it. There is just so much brainwashing (yep, the mindf*ck part) that it isn't easy. We think they love us, we think if only we loved more or better, that it's our fault. It's important to realize we did the best we could at that time, with what we had inside us, with the knowledge we had at that time. We couldn't have done any more or any less. We must forgive ourselves at some point. Have compassion for ourselves, the compassion they never gave to us, and cut ourselves some slack. Our failures stem from our humaness. This is what makes us unlike these robots who think they are so perfect and god-like.
Aug 19 - 10PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

This is good, I can tell as a

This is good, I can tell as a veteran on here you are getting better! You are going the through the detox process! As all narcs are the same the healing process is too! Follow the yellow brick road! Soon you will make the true discovery that the Wizard is a big fat phony! And the phony means nothing, Hunter
Aug 20 - 12AM (Reply to #8)
freaked
freaked's picture

Hunter, you sure Empower :)

Thanks Hunter!> I feel so EMPOWERED after reading this post you made:)
Aug 19 - 11PM (Reply to #7)
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture

Hunter

Thank you! I'm also learning a lot more about what predation is and does. I understand so much more, why these people are so incredibly dangerous and why recovery takes so long. I have so much further to go, but I can also see how much I have walked already. I really want to be okay.
Aug 19 - 10PM
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

sunafterrain

I use to think the exact same way. When I was with the Narc he turned me into a complete lunatic. I acted like a crazy person!! I've NEVER acted like that in my life with any other relationship or break-up. It's THEM! It's the life we lived with THEM that makes us act that way and feel that way. I went through a divorce with a man I was married to for 12 years and it wasn't as crazy as this one is. PLEASE DO NOT blame yourself. It was the environment you were living in and the person that you were with. NOT YOU! I am so ashamed of the way I acted with him. That is not who I am!!! Keep fighting to get out of the fog! It is scary but once all of that fog clears you'll see that it wasn't you. I promise! Hugs! Sara
Aug 19 - 10PM
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

@ sun

I don't think so, I think Narc's are crazy making Sun. And also therapy is a whirlwind coming out of a Narc mindfuck to a therapy mind fuck = fuck it sometimes I need some time off , this is heavy stuff for me. I just want a break or a V8 or something. It will be okay some one really nice said that recently, so just trust that it WILL BE OKAY maybe not right now but maybe some day that is what I am hoping for sending u lots of support
Aug 19 - 10PM (Reply to #2)
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture

Bada

Narc mindfuck to therapy mindfuck. BOY is that the TRUTH!! I refuse to give up though, no matter how scary it is. I want therapy. It's just so frightening to come out of all of this and feel so humiliated, embarrassed and ashamed at the shit I did. Oh man.......just crazy. I wonder, Bada, is it a good thing that I can see these things about myself? Is this a good thing? It's almost crazy making coming OUT of it too! UGH!!
Aug 19 - 11PM (Reply to #3)
sunrise
sunrise's picture

My N put a recorder in my

My N put a recorder in my house and recorded me. Said I was spreading lies about him and threw up and what I said...um hotel bills on his account that I didn't know what for, rumors of an "accused" affair, he would yell at me every chance he got, I would hVe a burning sensation through my whole body when I even thought of him and I was near a hundred pounds! But I was all my fault and I should have never said any of that to anybody! Now he tries to threaten me with his recording. To show people all my different personalities and my "mouth of lies". He had moved out and I heard so many new "rumors" about him that one day I freaked out. I really never swear and I threw "f" bombs every other word while screaming at the top of my lungs. Little did I know he had his I phone recording the whole thing. I have never acted like that in my life! Th whole time he was reserved and quiet and said how craZy I was! So yes I have acted out of control and think back and go wow...that was not me. I think how they get off at someone losing their mind..that is one sick man. He is currently telling people of my sickness and that he just wants to help me....it's a miracle my sickness ended when he moved out! Be easy on yourself and forgive yourself!
Aug 19 - 11PM (Reply to #4)
Sunafterrain
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Sunrise

Thank you so much for your post! It brought a memory of my ex that I have. He called me one day and his wife was literally SCREAMING at the top of her lungs at him! He said she would do this for HOURS at him. He also said he took a video recorder once and recorded her as she screamed at him to prove that she was nuts. I can't believe I bought into all of that now. He LOVED pissing her off. He loved doing it to me too. I can't see how that kind of behavior would just cease to exist at this point. This is the kind of stuff i need to remember because normal people DO NOT provoke others or purposely wish to destroy other people. Thanks so much!