I'm so struggling...

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#1 Sep 20 - 7PM

Sunafterrain

I'm so struggling...

I'm beyond frustrated with myself right now. Two weeks ago, i was doing REALLY REALLY GOOD! It was a RELIEF to feel so confident in what he was, believing that he'll never change and that whatever is going on with his new wife, well he'll do it to her too and then I made a mental list of ALL the things I'm grateful for that I no longer have to deal with and that she WILL.

Then the FUCKING Phone calls started. I'm sorry I'm not a big cusser, but I'm so DAMNED angry about it! I don't even know for sure if it was him, but when this "person" whose been calling and a pattern was developing, hung upon on my son, it wasn't hard to guess. The calls started about a month ago, and abruptly stopped last Wednesday. I'm relieved that there aren't anymore coming! But putting myself back together again has been a nightmare! I can't sleep at night with my head whirling about WHY he would be doing this to me! I"M SO FUCKING ANGRY! I want this bastard OUT of my head!!! He's not worth all of this thought process.
I have to deal with an upcoming trigger in a couple of days. I have to deal with someone from his work who knows he and I. I am NOT looking forward to this and there is no way I can get out of it because I remain a client where he works. DAMMIT!

What can I do to push myself forward here? Why have I lost all my conviction? WHY would he do this to me? I want to PUNCH the little bastard! I want PEACE in my life. I've spent the ENTIRE week ruminating, obsessing and not sleeping, back to square one. I've maintained my NC and as soon as the first of the month hits, my phone number is changing. I'm starting back to school to finish my degree on Monday and my daughter and I are joining a gym nearby in a couple of weeks. This is HELL for me. The next few months will be so painful. I'm out of this nine months now, it will be a laundry list of firsts without him, my birthday coming up, thanksgiving, Christmas..I just DON'T want to go there anymore. I'm SO TIRED and frustrated I've been crying a lot. I want so much just to be HAPPY. And before those fucking calls came and before I KNEW I was going to have to deal with someone from his work, I was doing great.

It is amazing to me how just BARELY any contact, including when you DON"T talk to them, just absolutely annihilates. I'm so sick of it. I want this to be over.

Do you have any suggestions for me? ANYTHING? I'm so hoping that school and especially joining the gym and working out more is going to help a lot! Have any of you noticed that working out helps you? HELP!

#2 Sep 21 - 11AM

ally2375

Sunafterrain

I'm chiming in a little late here, but I remember being at the point where the thoughts just don't stop and you're so mad that you can't get him out of your head that you'd take a crowbar to your brain if you thought it would help. ;) At that point, I wanted something very prescriptive. The ladies had some great suggestions. Here are the top five things that helped me. 1) Exercise: Particularly anything involving punching. :) The more physically exhausted you are at night, the better you will sleep. 2) Behavioral Therapy: For the ruminating, I tried this BT trick - whenever my brain started in on the thought-circles, I visualized a big stop sign in front of my face. It was especially effective if I stopped physically moving as well, until my mind had shifted. 3) Mantra: If I didn't occupy my brain with SOMETHING, it started churning on the ex. So, whenever I felt my brain starting to go down that road, I had a sentence I would repeat. I said "I deserve better" over and over to myself. 4) Goal setting: I was listless and apathetic for a long time. Writing down a list of everything I would do on a given day and then checking it off one by one helped me to feel like I wasn't stuck permanently in a state of depression. 5) Time: Everyone hates to hear this. ;) I see myself in you a bit; you are determined to heal, and it's like you've got the rumination by the throat, insisting that it go away! Remember that healing is a process, and we can't force it. A certain amount of patience is required. Every single day, as you rebuild a life that doesn't include the disordered one, you will be one notch better. You're doing fine. Stop kicking yourself - this isn't about perfection. Ally

#3 Sep 21 - 10AM

Sunafterrain

Thank you!

All so much for picking me up off the floor yesterday. It has been a really sucky couple of weeks! But I went to bed really early last night and slept a solid nine hours. I needed it and feel much better today! Thanks for being there and offering such a great suggestions, advice and comfort! HUGS

#4 Sep 21 - 9AM

How could I

Working out....

Working out might be great for you! Just make sure you join a gym with a punching bag. Then give it an extra couple of hits for me too girl!!!! Hope this made your smile!!! :) I'm going to try humor on this post so get ready!!! Funny I should just find this post of yours, as I just read a few messages of encouragement you sent me. You know all the right answers in your head - just as we all do. It's just that we are caring individuals who need love, support, and hugs. Great thing is that on this site, we feel the love and get the support. Just don't physically get a hug. Sounds silly, but I wonder if we all bought ourselves a teddy bear to love and hug. God knows, I sure could use one!! Keep your chin up! You are a fabulous person who deserves to be treated with respect!!! Hang in there as we are all hanging with you!! Go buy the bear!!! (and maybe a voodoo doll! LOL)

#5 Sep 21 - 8AM

newbegginings

Dearest sunafterrain, whilst

Dearest sunafterrain, whilst I don't have the great advice yet to pass, I do know that I love running daily or doing weights really helps. Running for me releases all my anxiety and nervous tension, and shuts my head up. Definately the gym will help... That I can promise you. It won't fix it, but it helps alot, and in the long run all the little things together, will get us to where we all want to b...... Happy land Take care.. And strength to you Timtam

#6 Sep 20 - 9PM

lilliandiane

sunafterrain

If it helps, my N who is working graveyard this week, drove by my house at 6am when he got off and honked the horn. BUT I did a yoga tape tonight and I told my son, who will be 29 this year, that he could back in here with his wife and baby. The last 2 times Richard lived in the upstairs apt he trashed it, and he said he and his wife are moving to Charlotte in February. But at least I can be around the grandkids until then (he has a 2 year old who lives with his mom)and I can help them out, money-wise. My N won't come around unless I am alone, so score a double-whammy for me! Join that gym; hang out with your kids and shove the thoughts of him and his bag of tricks to the back of the closet with the rest of the outgrown stuff. Come on girl, you can do it. You inspire me all the time!

#7 Sep 20 - 9PM (Reply to #11)

Sunafterrain

lily

OMG! don't you HATE that? In thinking about the calls it feels VIOLATING and VERY threatening to me! Therefore, it PISSES ME OFF! With all his "pontificating" the last YEAR of our relationshit in that "you're right, we need to be done, we need to be over", he WON"T DROP IT ALREADY! Oh no, he won't threaten NW with any emails to me, because, well that threatens the money investments he's currently making, OH NO< let's just have fun and let her KNOW I'm still around and can FUCK HER UP! I"M SO DAMNED ANGRY!! It made me realize how little I want to do with him, no wait, how i DO NOT want anything to do with him. He wanted a "new life" well the fucker has it and I HANDED IT TO HIM on a silver platter so HOW DARE HE try to FUCK UP MY LIFE! ASSHOLE! Ok, anyway, so I relate to you. My kids are about the ages of yours and I have two grandchildren with one on the way in March. I don't know about you, but my grandchildren are just joyous! I love being around my kids too and feel somewhat dependent on them for company?? UGH! I don't make them sit around here or anything, they have their own lives, but we do ENJOY being together a lot. My kids are so diverse and so fun! I'm blessed to have them. I think that's a great idea about having your grandkids around. Mine, whenever they are around, take my mind off of things. Thanks Lily, you inspire me too! Our situations just seem so similar in a lot of ways!

#8 Sep 20 - 10PM (Reply to #12)

lilliandiane

Hang in there,

I am sure you will have many opportunities to scrape me up off the floor, but glad I could help you tonight!

#9 Sep 20 - 8PM

Sparrow

I'm so sorry that your are

I'm so sorry that your are feeling this way today. This is common though so don't be so hard on yourself. The back and forth, up and down, even without contact. It's just the way it goes for now. Part of the process.......you are definitely on the right track. Firsts are the hardest. All firsts. My girlfriends husband died the same day my husband moved out and we had all of our firsts together. It was unbearable, but I got through it and so did she. The hardest "first" was our anniversary. I couldn't wait to get all the firsts behind me. So I know exactly how you are feeling. Can I just tell you..........exercise is the key to great mental health. There is nothing more vital than exercise when it comes to your psychy. I exercise regulary, take kickboxing classes and yoga. Those three things have literally saved my life! So yes, joining the gym, is absolutely the best thing you can do! Good luck!

#10 Sep 20 - 8PM (Reply to #9)

Sunafterrain

Sparrow

thank you so much for sharing that about exercise! My son is a buddhist and swears on meditation as well. I don't think I could sit still for yoga, but just moving, DOING seems so appealing to me. Kickboxing sounds fun! I'm so sorry for the pain you and your friend suffered and at the same time. I don't know what to think about the firsts. Just do the best I can. Like you did, what other choice is there but to live through it? It's just hard because I just know how much it's going to hurt. Thanks Sparrow. HUGS

#11 Sep 20 - 8PM

Winter

Please, try to be patient

I know how hard it is. Don’t be such a perfectionist. You have right to feel whatever you feel and whenever you feel. Just because the healing “comes in waves” does not mean you lost your convictions. Sometimes our emotions are not aligned with our mindset. It takes time. It almost like you set a goal to yourself: “be happy” . And you put so much pressure on yourself. We cannot command our feelings and our emotions. We have no control over them. We need to accept them. We have control over the process, but not over the outcomes. According to what you wrote, you are doing your best for your recovery. There is nothing behavioural that you can reproach to yourself (unless there is?). NC, sports, study. This is the process. The outcome is most likely to be to achieve your goal. And, btw the fact that you felt good for two weeks is a good and not a bad sign. Now, you feel down, it is ok. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling down. You already felt better, means it is a good tendency. You will be maybe down for few days and then feeling good for another three weeks and then down for few days and then well for another month.

#12 Sep 20 - 9PM (Reply to #7)

Sunafterrain

Winter

More fun stuff to take to therapy this week. I'm a HUGE perfectionist. I'm very hard on myself. It's never "ok" to just be whatever I am at the moment. I learned that from childhood. Lived it daily with my ex in a very unhealthy way. Therapy will be interesting this week! Thanks Winter!

#13 Sep 20 - 8PM

Unfreakinreal

It doesn't sound to me like

It doesn't sound to me like you've lost your conviction... You sound damn pissed off. And you should be! I am with you, it sucks. I had a huge breakthrough this morning that I hope is going to carry me through the next hoover. I don't think about what he is doing without me, because it honestly makes no difference in my life. I cried all the time, for months until I realized that what I was crying over was in fact nothing. It will be over. How long it takes is also up to you. I believe that. You know what worked for me? I just said fuck it, it's not worth my time. Last night was horrible and today has been amazing, because in reality, if it serves me no purpose, I need to get rid of it. Old clothes, broken toys, unrealistic dreams and anyone who deliberately causes me pain. Xoxo

#14 Sep 20 - 8PM

FarmGirl

A couple of ideas

Can you change your #? As far as working out goes - I'm not a big fan of the gym but honestly anything that gets your mind off of the situation at hand will help. You MUST put yourself first. Do not let him get you down. Don't doubt yourself now; you've come too far to quit. Be brave and strong. This too shall pass. Also maybe find your own non N supply of happiness...a little date or two won't hurt you at all. Go BIG, take a wine tasting or a cooking class. Stay away from dating sites, gyms and bars for dates. Just sayin ;) xx

#15 Sep 20 - 8PM (Reply to #4)

Sunafterrain

FG

Changing my number at the first of next month. I'm not worried about the gym as far as disordered's go. I can spot them pretty quickly and I'm SO NOT interested in dating right now, AT ALL. It's just not the right time. Far from it. I don't know if I'll ever date again. I HATE dating sites, it's predator heaven! LOL! Thanks FG, but I'm already in school as of next week. That will take up a lot of my time. I wish I had the time to take a fun class! HUGS

#16 Sep 20 - 8PM

onwithmylife

sunafterrain

you are one of the strongest woman on this board, I feel your pain and it took me over 2 years out to become more like me again and I went through hell for close to 2 years but it lessened each month. The gym is a great idea, it saved my life, that, therapy if you need it, reading all you can, knowing you are not alone, for the longest time I was until i find Lisa's site and it was just starting up, so did not have all the people that are on here now. Keep yourself busy but also allow yourself to go through all the emotions like a death because that is what it is, a death of a dream, of a nice man that they first appeared to be. TIME is a huge factor but you cannot rush the recovery, it will come for you as it finally came for me.I just hope my exnarc rots in hell for stealing so many years of my life!

#17 Sep 20 - 8PM (Reply to #2)

Sunafterrain

Onwithmylife

I'm so glad you said that about working out! I'm really excited to go to the gym and spend time with one of my daughter's too. I'm already in therapy weekly. I'm taking all the right steps, it just feels SO SLOW! I want to be where I was two weeks ago. It is so disheartening to be in this place. I want to be out of pain. I really do. I hope mine rots in hell too!

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