I'm so stupid

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#1 Nov 8 - 3PM

Anne_

I'm so stupid

I broke NC this saturday. I missed him. We had a nice chat in a bar. I ignored him saying really messed up things. (sounds contradicting, right?). But I was so happy to be in his presence again. I even invited him home afterwards. I'm NOT PROUD of this. I felt like shit. I still feel like shit right now. I could have had a nice weekend, but now I'm in pain again. We had a row yesterday because I was mad about his mixed signals.
I promise you girls here; I will stay NC from now on. I'm devasted. I really want to move forward. Back to square one...
But I know for sure I won't do this again.
Day one of NC. Sure about this one.

#2 Nov 8 - 9PM

Lisa E. Scott

Anne

No, you are not stupid at all! Please don't beat yourself up for this. Believe me, we have all been there. Unfortunately, it takes some time for us to finally realize how toxic they are for us. Briseis made a great point: "Our mind plays tricks on us. In those early days after the end of the relationship, we are still plagued with residual brainwashing, and conditioning by the Narc." The good news is it looks like you are at the point where you hopefully don't have to go back again to realize how toxic he is. It's all about progress, not perfection. Every bit of progress we make gets us closer to be freeing of them for good. Don't beat yourself up for having a setback. It's all part of the process. You're back here realizing you never should have gone back. That's all that matters. Clarity takes time. The important thing is you're finally starting to see clearly now and that's what matters! Keep up the good work. xoxo

#3 Nov 8 - 5PM

enoughalready

Anne

First of all, you are not stupid. Secondly, I have been where you are right now. It took me a year to stay NC. It's so difficult to do but believe me, it's so worth it to rid yourself of the narc. Be strong and know there is light at the end of the tunnel..

#4 Nov 8 - 5PM

Eliza

I felt the same way this morning

I actually felt like I missed him. I had thoughts of the good times only and i was smiling...Then I came here....thank goodness....it was almost like I wanted to go back to what I knew and was (stupidly) comfortable with? It is strange how my mind changes so quickly. But reinforcment of all the reasons i shouldn't go back was right here... 7 days NC.....Longest being 9 days...i know it will be worth it...it IS worth it... I am WORTH it! thx all, Eliza

#5 Nov 8 - 4PM

Briseis

Good for you, Anne

Now is a good time to think about what just happened. I call it "doing an autopsy". There's the dead "body", now cut it open and see what happened. You were lonely (very understandable). You sought to relieve your loneliness, and contacted him. You put "relieve loneliness" and "being with him" as equals. Now, you know it doesn't work that way with Narc relationships. In fact, contact with him makes everything WORSE than it was when you were simply "lonely". Our mind plays tricks on us. In those early days after the end of the relationship, we are still plagued with residual brainwashing, and conditioning by the Narc. ANY desire to have contact with him, a person who HURT you terribly, is basically insane. Yet, here we all are, craving it anyway. What does that tell you? That you still have some residual damage from the relationship. No sane person goes back for MORE abuse. When these urges come up (and honey, they probably will), see them for what they are. They are DAMAGE. They are residual brainwashing and conditioning from the Narc relationship. They are NOT your friends, and not something you want to indulge in, not at all. That is the time to get on this board and post, or see if someone will go over to the new place and chat with you. Just post "Does anyone want to chat?" and then you can meet your REAL need for loneliness . . . and feel better afterward, instead of WORSE :)

#6 Nov 8 - 5PM (Reply to #4)

Anne_

thx!

well, maybe you read it in my other post, but I have started communicating with his ex, the mother of his child. She told me that he wanted to communicate more with them, and speak to his daughter. She didn't know how to react on that, and asked my advice. It was a very strange place I was put in. So, I tried to give her my opinion. told her that I wasn't comfortable discussing these issues and she understood. I didn't hear from her since, and for me, it's better like that. She will have enough friends to talk this trough. I really wanted to talk about this with my XN. I kinda forgot how useless it is to try to have a conversation with a Narc. I just wanted to let my XN know that she was in doubt. I didn't want to talk behind his back about such important things. His reaction? He started to tell a whole story about the mother of his child telling lies to his girlfriends about him, and his interaction with his child. That she was trying to manipulate me, to hurt me, etc.... Typical N-behaviour, right :-) Anyway, it just put me in the same spot as I was in when we were together. Later that evening, he was nice, and I was lonely, you know the routine.... thx for analyzing this for me. It indeed are relics of a really dangerous interaction. At least I'm working on it, I had a good session with my therapist today, and I'm feeling a little bit better now. Like a broken leg that starts to hurt from time to time. And what I did this saturday was trying to jump on it. I think it was Yogi who said "it's like sticking a fork in a wound that is allready bleeding". When I look at it now, I'm really thinking "why did I do THAT?" :-). At least I'm at this stage, can I make the distinction between sane and insane reactions. NC all the way. NC with his friends. NC with his ex, not even to vent about all the things he did to me/her. I have this forum to vent now :-) thx!

#7 Nov 8 - 4PM (Reply to #2)

chromey

Don't be so hard on youself

Don't be so hard on youself darlin' no one here is stupid. Just the fact that you realized that something was wrong and took the time get some answers puts you way ahead of so many others. We're all vunerable to lonliness and the quick fix seems a good idea at the time. I've done it too many times myself. The good news is that you are in the right place here.

#8 Nov 8 - 5PM (Reply to #3)

almostlydia

I agree with Chromey, you're

I agree with Chromey, you're not stupid, you're just working your way out. I did it too many times. You needed a little more convincing and you got it. You have to do what you need to do to make it stick. You have enough to deal with already without feeling guilt or remorse. See it for what it was - a reminder. And think about how many more reminders you need to make it final. I got so bad that I was needing needing needing him and as soon as he was here sitting on the sofa, i was thinking, damn, I f*cked up, another night like this. It is the closest thing to needing that nicotine hit that I can imagine. And what happens when you get it, a moment of relief and then remorse for having to start all over again. almostlydia

almostlydia

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