"intimacy" with the Narc

13 posts / 0 new

#1 Oct 27 - 4AM

Alissa

"intimacy" with the Narc

Hi, I am new here... I will post my story later, but I need to be reminded how it feels AFTER intimacy / sex with a Narc. For me it always felt like I fell into this big black dark scary abyss. I always felt like the only way to end this scary pain of being in the abyss, was to end my own life. Does that make sense?

Now, I certainly don't EVER want to feel like that again..
And that's what I try to remind myself of whenever I feel tempted to do it 'one last time'. A few days ago I read on this forum about someone who wrote something like "it's not worth it".

Are there more people here who've felt/ feel like this? Is this unusual? It's so hard to resist temptation and I really need reminders to stay strong.

Thank you.

Alissa
p.s. He lives very nearby.

#2 Oct 27 - 8PM

newbegginings

Hi Alissa

Hi there, I have been stuggling also, I am in the same situation, very similar to you. I am married and my N is living with his partner of 5 years. I see him regularly also as our children attend the same school. He lives close by and his house is on a main street that I use all the time. I met my N nearly a year ago, and have been struggling with guilt and a huge feeling of loss, a big black pit has developed inside. He too, left me feeling weird after intimacy, feeling empty and lost. I know that I am stupid, he obviously just wanted sex and then see you later. He would then not contact me for weeks. While its not nice knowing what you are going through, it does help knowing that there are other women on this board with the same story. Love Timtam

#3 Oct 28 - 7AM (Reply to #12)

Alissa

hi Timtam

Hi Timtam, my kids attend the same school as his kids too! And we live very close to each other. There's no way I can avoid him, there is not even another way to go to school! It's indeed very nice to hear from other women with the same story!! Thank you for your post Hugs, Alissa xx

#4 Oct 27 - 3PM

uk lady

Throughout my entire association with the ex-P

Which was overall 22 years. We never married or lived together - he just always lied about everything and I know I am not stupid but he was a good actor and told a very good sob story constantly. I can say that I could count on 1 hand that I ever felt truly intimate with him to the point that I felt he loved me as much as I loved him. How sad is that ? But his words never matched his actions - everything was always, just a promise that ultimately never reached fruition, or, in his case, responsibility for his words. He always had his sights on the NS so was never living in the moment. No matter what, nowadays, I am past beating myself up for being too kind, generous, empathic or just stupid. I will get through it, move on and forget he was ever part of my life (as well as his N mother). They don't deserve me and I look forward to a brighter future with my anew wareness of what these people can do to us. Dee x

#5 Oct 27 - 4AM

Tigerlily

It makes perfect sense!

Since narcs. are not capable of true intimacy on any level, whatever we send out to them in the way of love, trust, the desire to bond just gets swallowed up in the black hole they have where others have love, trust and the desire to bond! That IS your black, scary abyss! It`s like calling out his name in a vacuum - nothing comes back, not even an echo. This puts us in touch with and severely magnifies any feelings of unworthiness we may have. Through the psychic cords we have to the narc., he is constantly drawing off our energies, even when he is not physically there. That means that, in addition to having our sense of unworthiness constantly incremented, our energies become more and more depleted: we grow weaker, with less and less strength or even motivation to fight or escape. Unworthiness + no strength left = desire to opt out of life. Alissa, I can`t tell you how often I felt suicidal with that bastard. And I think he even wanted me to kill myself (murder by suicide). It is quite common, so be very, very careful! Cut the cords and guard your self-esteem as if it were your most precious Jewel, because you know what? It is! Love Tigerlily

#6 Oct 27 - 6AM (Reply to #2)

Alissa

Tigerlily

Tigerlily, your post made me cry. That's exactly how it feels and it's so scary. My N would sometimes make fun of me when I tried to explain how I felt after sex. Saying I need to go see a therapist, singing softly "suicide... suicide..." , while laughing. I truly do believe it's true what you're saying about the chords. It feels like he is sucking the life away from me. Also, the fatigue seems to get worse to more I try to break free from him. I'm glad I'm not the only one feeling like this/ who felt like this ... Thank you so much, Tigerlily. Hugs, Alissa

#7 Oct 27 - 7AM (Reply to #3)

Tigerlily

I think it`s the cog. diss.

that fatigues us when we try and break away. One half of us says "I must get out" and the other half says "WHY doesn`t he love me any more". One half says, "I can`t stand this any longer" and the other half says, "But he was so sweet at the start". One half says, "He`s really bad for me" and the other half says, "But I love him". And that`s really exhausting. Making the decision to leave him and go NC gives us some of our strength back. Keeping NC no matter WHAT does the rest over time. How long are you out? (ARE you out?). Thinking of you Tigerlily

#8 Oct 27 - 8AM (Reply to #4)

Alissa

yes that's how I feel

Yes That's exactly how I feel, Tigerlily. Unfortunately this man is my neighbor, he's married and so am I. I have been trying to break free for a long time now, but he doesn't stop his hoovering. Nor does he stop his punishments when I don't give in. I've resisted him for a long time, but sometimes it's hard, especially when he is hoovering :( So to your question of : how long are you out/ ARE you out... I can't really give an answer. I'm trying the best I can to get out and stay out.... Thank you for your kindness, Tigerlily Alissa

#9 Oct 27 - 10AM (Reply to #5)

ash5233

Alissa i'm in the same boat...

Alissa, I am in the same boat you are in. I'm married, and he is in a new relationship. It's been three years and I'm just now trying to truly break away from this man. I've gone through so many horrible episodes of deep deep depression and thought about suicide more than I ever wanted to. They don't get it, and they don't care. Mine just keeps telling me, "go talk to someone" and "fix it." He doesn't see that he's the one breaking me. Sex with him was incredible and amazing...but afterwards I felt like trash--disgusting and used and thrown away. He'd jump up, get dressed, and start a conversation about a tv show or his coworker or something that was completely irrelevant to what just happened. I cried afterwards every single time and promised myself never to do it again because that's how I would always feel. I know your pain so well, and I completely understand your struggle right now.

#10 Oct 27 - 10AM (Reply to #6)

Alissa

Ash

Hi Ash, Thank you so much for your reply. Yes, we are very much in the same boat, it's unbelievable. Even the three year thing... Here it has been three years too. No, they don't get it and they don't care. And I get the same responses as you "go talk to someone", "fix it", "go see a counselor" or "I wouldn't be surprised if you would end up in a mental hospital one day". My narc would do the same as your narc after sex. Jump up, get dressed and maybe a small conversation about the weather, but mostly just smoking a cig and then "byebye!" Do you still have to see this man? Does he hoover? Hugs, Alissa

#11 Oct 27 - 12PM (Reply to #7)

ash5233

i admit

i want to. sooo badly. but i haven't. i promised my therapist on friday that i wouldn't until i saw her next. Almost a week now, and I haven't, and I'm really proud of myself. Fortunately, I don't have to see him--he works at the same place I do, but it's so huge, we'd never ever run into each other thank goodness. I'm still tempted to drive by his house, see if he's home, if the OW is there...He's still my FB friend so I can see what he's doing with her. He texted yesterday to tell me that he thinks about me. I let my guard down and engaged in conversation with him, like an idiot. He told me that he likes the new OW, "she's good and bad, like everyone else." I could have thrown up! He invited me to meet him at a bar so that we could "get drunk together" but I declined. Haven't heard from him since. I miss him more than I could express in words, but then I remember how I've been feeling the past week (proud and a little less stressed!) and remember my promise to my therapist...I have to be held accountable to someone if I'm not to myself...If i think about him too long, I just get sick to my stomach and want to text him and overwhelm him with I miss yous. BUT he doesn't deserve that!! Alissa, these are horrible horrible men who have attempted and at least with mine, have practically ruined three years of my life and I can't give him anymore. You can't give yours anymor eeither! I'm so glad you are here. Hugs right back to you! Ash

#12 Oct 27 - 1PM (Reply to #8)

Alissa

no doubt in my mind...

Hi Ash, there is no doubt in my mind that it helps when you don't have to see him! In the past, I've felt so FREE when he would be on a vacation. When you don't have to see the N, it's like the fog starts to lift. Yes, you should be very proud of yourself!!! And I think you have a very good therapist. Have you been in therapy for a long time? I'm talking to a therapist too (she is an online therapist but very good). I know what you mean with getting sick to your stomach and wanting to text him and overwhelm him with "I miss you's " and "I love you's". I sometimes feel like I'm under his spell. I'm very glad too that you're here! Thanks for the warm welcome :-) Hugs, Alissa

#13 Oct 27 - 2PM (Reply to #9)

b3base

Back and Forth

Thank goodness I have been seeing a therapist otherwise, who knows where I'd be. I have been separated from my N for the past 10 months with divorce to be final in March, 2012. He kept me hanging on with "I just have to find out what I need to do to change", "I am in no hurry for a divorce. I don't know yet what I want but I understand if you need to divorce", "whether we're divorced or not, you never know what the future will bring-if we're meant to be together we will be together", "yes I'm seeing someone but she's just a friend" and on and on. Just crumbs to keep me hanging on and that is what I did. Many times I would go NC for several weeks at a time and then I would contact him. He never contacts me. I went 3 months NC when he sent me an email updating his address. I got hooked back into asking about what was going on with him. He's in a relationship which started 35 days after he left and has been going on for 10 months. I get angry and stop contact and then I get sad and contact him but I just get hurt worse each time. I then contacted his "ex-fiance" (we had talked before) and she filled me in on even more women he has been with in these last 10 months and he even begged her to let him come see her or for her to come here and stay with him while telling her he never stopped loving her and she wouldn't even have to work. He would take care of her. After hearing all of that and realizing more lies, I have had enough heartache. I have started NC and I don't ever want to contact him again. I see how sick and twisted he is. He's pathetic. I pray that those pangs of missing him and thinking he could change never pop up again!

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