It hurts because he DOESN'T want me

38 posts / 0 new

#1 Sep 9 - 6PM

Anonymous (not verified)

It hurts because he DOESN'T want me

I know this sounds whacky to say, however he was the one who went NC on me, rather than me doing so to him.

I did nothing wrong to him.

He text messaged me a "how are you" on the forth of July. However, i feel that was probably just a bored moment. I need MORE. I need him to come after me with all the desparation he used to so i can squash him!

The week before he broke it off he was always giving excuses as to why he was not available. ALWAYS having guy time that week-- this is a man with basically no friends. I knew he was cheating.

Instead of me doing the leaving it was him.

I got devalued and discarded. "Jessika, you are just too negative! I want to have fun in my life and you obviously just want to scrutinize me. I don't have to put up with that. Please don't try to tell me you well change. It is a personality flaw and will never change. Bye."

I didn't do anything wrong!!! Where is his punishment?

I still look at my inbox hoping i will see an email from him. I find myself looking at it several times a day. When i get a text message i am praying it is from him. I dont want to reconcile... i just want to have the ability to ignore him.

The way things were left it is as though i am the crazy, loser woman and he had to move on to another girl worthy of his love. I dont want him wallking away with that thought. I want his relationship now to be going badly and hence he will want me back. HOwever i will show him that he messed up and cant have me--- get some justice.

There is no justice for me.

His ex probably felt the same way when she saw him with me. He just leaves woman after woman... telling her she is unworthy and a piece of shit and because there is overlap with all of us he is NEVER without our replacement. As a matter of fact, I think my N had us scheduled on different days... I was Saturday. However our last month together, I had lost that day.

How to get over this?!?!? I NOW want retaliation... i want him to suffer and pay!

What happended to my sweet little life. Im not funny, happy, loving anymore. When i meet new people now i am engaged in an inner dialogue about their character and feel they are fake.

#2 Sep 15 - 12AM

me_at_last (not verified)

I know how this feels but...

If you really think about it, you probably weren't feeding his supply anymore, which is why he left. So, really, you were the one that ended it. And, him not contacting you probably means that he KNOWS you are not going to supply him. If he could get anything from you, I'm certain he would. And, I'm certain he will again to see if you sill supply him. In my situation,I had this crazy notion that we could still be friends - after all, we had been through a lot together. But, after turning down his advances a few times, he barely talks to me now and LOVES it if I contact him so he can ignore me. I know that feeds his supply and gives him control. That will not be happening anymore. I love when he would tell me that it doesn't matter that I'm married and it wouldn't matter if he was - he would never be able to say no to me (for sex). AS IF I would be asking!

#3 Sep 11 - 11AM

justwantpeace

the one thing i found is

the one thing i found is dont let him see you defeated or unhappy. its hard but i found they arent that happy its all a front. ive been told so many times that my ex looks so mad at the world and unhappy. they cant let us see them down. dont let him draw you back in again and again. its hard i know that first hand. each time it falls apart again it gets harder to seperate yourself from them and get over the pain. i know this first hand to. the best thing is really to just take good care of yourself. also dont push away the feelings. i learned by going thru my emotions and grieving that the pain doesnt stay there as bad as when you try to fight it. just remember N's are not happy people. they are always looking for that quick fix.

#4 Sep 11 - 8AM

baddream

It is harder when he pretends again (that he wants you)

I have read all these posts about the ambivalence we feel when the N does not contact us while we are doing our NC. I relate to the push-pull, wanting the N to call so you can ignore him and push him away. We are much better off if they just stay away because there is a part of us that he programmed, and from my own experience, when he starts to "turn it on" again it just makes it so much harder and we become vulnerable and weaker and the NC gets much harder. After all these months of NC from my N he is trying to get back. Telling me that even though he has been staying away, "he will never say good bye" to me. This came in an e-mail, he has been using new e-mail addresses all the time so it has become impossible to block him. He knows my weak spots. Do not assume that after a long period of NC you will be strong enough to ignore "pretend guy" when he comes calling. If he is staying away from you, prepare yourself for the onslaught, an impending battle that may be on its way, strengthen your defenses, and count your blessings! The past week has been HELL for me. During the past months I was semi-wishing for the contact you mention so I too could "ignore" him, but now realize he is still in my thoughts and controls me. I have not spoken to him, but the urge to do so is strong. I read your posts and write on this forum instead.

#5 Sep 10 - 10AM

destiny (not verified)

I could have written just

I could have written just what you did, only I fired back nasty emails at him(that were unforgivable) So, i was cut off , him knowing that ive been struggling with my chronic illness. At first I had no clue he even cut me off, I was calling to apologize for the emails...i thought it was just another stupid email fight. Then I worried something happened to him, as he was feeling suicidal. When I realized I was dumped it really hit me hard...there I was trying to work on things with him after he fessed up to all his lies when we were just dating and working on things....and He dumps me over a few emails in reponse to ones he sent. He usually calls before now, it has been a month....I want him to call so I can ignore him...i want him to call crying like he has in the past. He has vanished from so many of our lives I too was asking him to spend more time with me...I guess that was too much to ask, or maybe I wasnt playing into his little game the way he wanted me to. Some of the last words he said to me where 'you can tolerate pain so much more than me, you are much tougher than I am' I know he is never happy and never will be and he did the same thing to two OW that I know of. My therapist told me it is NOT me. Deep down I know it is not me, but It still hurts that I fell again right into his trap...he sucked me in and played on my sympathy as he cried on the phone. I think in the case of my N he couldnt live the lie anymore...I was too smart for him.

#6 Sep 10 - 8AM

NanC (not verified)

Same with me. After putting

Same with me. After putting up with all his bullshit, he dumped me first! That really really sucks! I'm not the same person either! I was always happy & sure of myself! I tred to embarrass him in front of his new gf (even had his other x gf on speaker phone to back up my story) & it didn't even phase him. He played us off as scorned women. His new gf believed him instead of us! Someday, she is going to remember what we told her (too late & financially in a mess because of him).

#7 Sep 10 - 11PM (Reply to #33)

tasha

NanC

She will find out-sooner or later. I'd bet my last dollar on it!And she will remember what was said to her by you and his ex GF-if alarm bells arnt going off already!!

#8 Sep 9 - 9PM

a new creation

I feel your pain

I feel your pain. In time you're not going to care who left who. Thank your lucky stars that he doesn't want you. My N didn't want me either. At the end of my relationship with him I was BEGGING him to spend time with me, BEGGING him to call, BEGGING him to want me! How pathetic is that! I did nothing wrong to my N either but because they are N's loving them is not what they want. Loving them means pushing them away. He is not worth your love. It may look like he's having a great time with his new girlfriend and all the other girls but he's the one who is suffering. He's hiding his pain by using these girls. The pain you feel right now is probably not as bad as the pain you felt when you were with him. Dig down deep inside and find your strength. Build your support group, cry, face the pain and move on. HE'S NOT WORTH IT.

#9 Sep 11 - 10AM (Reply to #25)

NanC (not verified)

I hate that I am jealous of

I hate that I am jealous of the other girl. When he left me, he said, "You didn't want me when you had me!". Its true, I didn't want him. He was miserable to be around and ruined any good time we tried to have. I feel that since I told his new gf that he was a narcissist/pathological liar, that I gave him heads up to be on his best behavior, but he can only pretend for so long, right???

#10 Sep 14 - 11PM (Reply to #31)

cupcake (not verified)

Jealousy

Hey NanC I think I must have put up 100 posts about this! When I was new everyone was so patient with me and I am just starting to get it now. I was so jealous and so obsessed with the other girl, thinking she was so worthy to be with him and I was rubbish because I wasn't etc. I would think what does she have I don't, spent hours going over and over and over things in my mind. But I have since learnt from Barbara and Cynthia and the others that it is a pattern set in stone. The other girls don't get treated any better than we do in any way. He will treat her the same as he treated you. whatever you went through this other girl will go through to. They are not humna, they cannot love and cannot feel, cannot feel empathy, cannot feel remorse for what they do. It is a pattern. He can't change and never, ever will. He will worsen as he ages and suck the life out of this poor girl, this next victim. Then like locust he will move on to someone else and repeate the cycle again. They have no creativity of their own, they plagarise everything, pet names for girls, love letters, everything. They plagarise emotions and need to copy everything they are so empty inside. I know what you mean. I am not quite there yet but in a better place. I know it's hard as you share a daugther with him but keep reading everyoen's stories here - so the same! They are all the same evil breed of people! Hang in there beautiful.

#11 Sep 11 - 7PM (Reply to #30)

tasha

NanC

don't be jeaous of her,he will chew her up and spit her out too-just as he did to you!I think that maybe when he was miserable with you maybe he already had her lined up to take your place(just an assumption)I maybe wrong-like sabotaging your relationship, to an end to be with her?that's what happened to me. You may have given him a 'heads up' but he won't be able to keep the 'act' up for long. He'll revert to his ugly nature before too long. And two things are going to happen-she will have the balls to leave OR she is a doormat and will stay. Don't play in to the jealousy. Think about this...How jealous will he be when you recover from him and attract a far more loving and caring partner?And most of ALL-YOU are HAPPY!By that time hopefully you wont give a damn about him or what he thinks!think about the future and the happiness to come.

#12 Sep 11 - 11AM (Reply to #26)

quietude (not verified)

NanC

Jealousy pangs kind of come and go with me...but as time has gone by, if I think of another woman with him, I mostly just become very frightened for her. I think because we start looking at the reality of the situation more than anything else: *He's fake and only put on an act *He needed me, and the people before me, and the people after me to sustain an existence...how awful that must be *The "love" he showed me was not real, he violated my body, mind, and spirit...anything good that came from the relationship, I created *The next person is really the next victim that he will use until he's finished, bored, done with her supply and needs something else *He won't be faithful to her either - even if this doesn't come in the form of an actual 'other woman' right away, he won't have faith in the relationship, feelings, support, love, sex...none of it means anything to him, so it's an ongoing betrayal from DAY ONE When you feel jealous, think of how they really are. They are hollow, cardboard people putting on a show. He can't be happy, he can't love, he can only destroy lives. Frightened for her, happy for me.

#13 Sep 11 - 11AM (Reply to #27)

NanC (not verified)

I just spoke to his cousin

I just spoke to his cousin and he's asking her how does he go about getting tickets to a professional football game! In all the years we were together, he never watched a single football game! I texted his ex gf and asked her if he watched football during the 7 mths he was with her. She said he hated football! It must be part of is "role playing" for the new supply. He really is a joke! Living in apts. in a part of town he can't even afford. The man literally lives "on next week's check". He doesn't even have furniture in it. He told his previous gf that he didn't have furniture because I took it all, and he told me the same thing about his ex before me. What a loser!

#14 Sep 11 - 3PM (Reply to #29)

quietude (not verified)

Agree

You're talking to his cousin, you might as well be talking to him. Same goes for his friends, etc. Same goes for anyone you know who feels like they just HAVE to report the latest to you. Also, checking blogs, facebook, Myspace, etc...anything he's connected with, same concept. Block these people - it will only further hurt you and put you several steps back in your healing.

#15 Sep 11 - 1PM (Reply to #28)

Barbara (not verified)

stop that! who cares??????

that's CONTACT! Why are you checking up on what he's doing???? NO CONTACT!! http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/11/other-woman-now-hes-happy-her ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck

#16 Sep 10 - 8PM (Reply to #23)

Heart

Pain

"The pain you feel right now is probably not as bad as the pain you felt when you were with him". I could not agree more. My therapist has brought this to my attention also. But I often obsess about the abuse he inflicted on me, and I get so sad when I think of how I trusted him so unknowingly, of how I loved him and how he betrayed me. I was his wife- why wouldn't trust? I just can't stop feeling so taken advantage of.

#17 Sep 10 - 9PM (Reply to #24)

Barbara (not verified)

but you were!

I was his wife- why wouldn't trust? I just can't stop feeling so taken advantage of.. YOU WERE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF! By a NON-HUMAN PREDATOR!! it's called Emotional & Psychological RAPE. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck

#18 Sep 9 - 8PM

tasha

PIGS-all of them!!

I know how you feel!my ex went NC on me too!I hate that I didnt have the chance to rip his heart out like he did to me, How dare he! He's the wacko not me! I just wanted a damn apology! I don't give a royal toss now!I don't need the chance anymore-I know now he's making some poor woman miserable-AND IT'S NOT ME!!be thankful-it's not you anymore.Your not crazy,your not obsessed-your reaction is normal to what he's done to you.Mine had a few of us women on a string and I'm glad I'm not part of his harem anymore-He's just a fucking pig!

#19 Sep 9 - 7PM

cynthia (not verified)

It hurts because he DOESN'T want me

That is the truth, we do hurt because we are discarded however its not for the reasons you think, they are NOT normal remember that it doesnt take the pain of rejection away but in time in DOES. Yes they are fake, they act their way thru life. He doesnt want ANYBODY in the way others want to be wanted and loved not just you, and he never will you will never never have a happy future with this man and either will any of the GF's or relationships he has, I think you have to look at it in the long run, the long haul, is this the kind of relationship you want to be in? Someone who is not real, someone you could never trust? You didnt lose anything it may feel like it. In my times of deep pain and despair I try to turn to MYSELF and do what is healthy for my well being,

#20 Sep 10 - 8AM (Reply to #20)

Fawn

Funny Movie

I saw "All About Steve" last night and it made me laugh really hard. Sandra Bullock's character is obsessed with a guy who doesn't want her back. It is really pathetic but funny how she chases him and doesn't listen to him when he tells her clearly that he wants her to go away. I got some serious comic relief from watching a parody of the lengths women will go to when following a man who doesn't return their interest.

#21 Sep 9 - 7PM

cupcake (not verified)

Jessika

Jess I'm with you. I want closure too and I want the last word. I want him to come back so I can say goodbye, palm him off, have my dignity and say goodbye so I can move on. There is no justice and it is something that will have to be left in the hands of God. I tried to get revenge. I tried to expose him. I tried to tell her what happened between us and he twisted it around and it backfired. He had his sister threaten to call the police on harrasment charges if I contacted ever again so all that did was lose more dignity. He won't care. He is a N you cna't get through to him. No remorse, no empathy he has no ability to recognise or changes his behavior. He thinks he is entitled to treat you the way he did and his disordered brain will never love anyone but himself. If he came back as I wnat mine to come back there is the risk that we will get excited and want to keep talking to them. There is the risk like what happened to our Marie that he will somehow reel you back in on feelings and discard you again. If he comes back it is only because he is bored, he has no other sources or he just wants to see if he can still have an effect on you for entertainment. Are you strong enough to say no to him? I dont know if I am. I am with you though. I want him to come back so I can discard him and be left with dignity and closure. BUt as someone said here, there is no closure with a N. Just closure with yourself. He won't be happy out there. He can't love and you can. When you meet that special someone that is normal and healthy and gives you a normal healthy relationship that will be your revenge and closure. You will be happy safe and loved and he will still be an evil lying jerk. With us it was left as I am the crazy women loser too. It so sux and it isn't fair when they are the ones doing all the damage. I believe in faith and karma. If you try to get revenge or muck things up between them like I did I think it will backfire on you. I know how hard this is, I am having such a difficult couple of days I can't stop htinking about him and yearning for him but like Barbara said it is the oxytocin and his control over our hormones is why we go crazy. If yo uare strong enough keep praying that he will come back so you can say goodbye. That is my prayer every single day! I'm with you beautiful girl!!

#22 Sep 9 - 6PM

melanie (not verified)

OMG Jessika, I have been

OMG Jessika, I have been feeling everything you wrote!!! And to be honest, I'm still at the stage where I'm waiting for that text message. I'm still very new to this myself, so I'm no expert in how to deal, but I'm trying to think of him in terms of what he actually was to me, a con man, a fake, a sadist only disguised as someone who loved me, and that's helping me realize that it's better to let him think him think the NC is on his terms. Because who really knows or cares what he thinks anyway. And I do believe in something called Karma, somewhere down the line.

#23 Sep 9 - 7PM (Reply to #17)

Barbara (not verified)

waiting for a text message?

BLOCK HIM! BLOCK EMAILS, TEXTS, IMS, PHONE CALLS, EVERYTHING!!! You are not NC until you do this

#24 Sep 9 - 6PM

Barbara (not verified)

be grateful

he's a predator you want to be wanted by a NON-HUMAN PREDATOR? be glad he dropped you. Means you are too good and too human for him. You're free!! He's NOTHING. You can go on to have a real, fulfilling life. He NEVER will. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck

#25 Sep 9 - 6PM (Reply to #2)

time_to_move_on

you are probably getting healthier....

I've found with Ns that when you start to act a bit heealthier e.g maybe ignore their game-playing for a bit, start to get a life... then they really drop you to see what you will do. Forget it, it's not worth it. If you then react to the "dropping" you are right back there. And sometimes, it's not that you're healthier, they may just have found something else to do that week but it doesn't matter. They probably will come calling again, but next time you need to look after you. Move on, save yourself the added misery.

#26 Sep 9 - 7PM (Reply to #3)

thisisnotfun

I'm finding myself doing the

I'm finding myself doing the same things as everyone else. I want him to contact me, so I can ignore his messages. I want him to think I've moved on and I'm happy. I don't think he will ever contact me again. He said he was tired of dealing with me. Anyhow, everyday I wake up, I say to myself, maybe today...... That is not a good thing. I'm staying busy but he is on my mind all the time. He treated me like crap, caught him on porn sites, Match, he left me in another city by myself, I could go on and on..... I still want that phone call or text message just to ignore it.... I"m insane..........

#27 Sep 9 - 7PM (Reply to #4)

cupcake (not verified)

You are not insane

You are not insane. We want that contact too so we can say goodbye. I know wha tyou mean mine treated me like garbage and I still hope for that text message which probably won't come because I exposed him. I guess it will be up and down for a long time, my moods and feelings change from high to low all the time over this. I wasn't even his GF just the mistress so I can only imagine what you married people and partners went through!

#28 Sep 10 - 7AM (Reply to #15)

passionatebutterfly

moving on

I was the mistress too......now he has another one. I have been there and am still struggling with how he could have done this to me. I just remind myself that he never really loved me, and he doesn't love the new girl. He will be miserable for the rest of his life. After all this, he still wants me in his life. I guess he wants me to hang on because it makes him feel good. I told him I had too much self-respect to do that to myself....and it's true. I refuse to be pathetic. I feel very sorry for this new one and his wife and worry they will never see him for what he really is. I do feel good, in that I had the last word and chewed him out. I also had the opportunity to hang up on him, and it felt great. I'm sure it kills him to know someone could actually hate him! I have all my phone #s blocked, a new email address, blocked on FB. He is unable to contact me in any way....and I am sure he has tried. It feels empowering and liberating. I say the Serenity Prayer everyday just to help me remember that though I can't change him or those who think he is so great, I can change myself and make the necessary moves to have a great life. I am now doing the things I used to do and am getting to be myself again. Honestly...I am proud and happy now. It takes time girls, but you will get there. One problem I have is that this new girl seems to want to be like me and it's disturbing. She kind of stalks me on FB and does what i do. I have blocked her as well now.

#29 Sep 9 - 8PM (Reply to #5)

Fawn

Eventually....

This does happen at first, you want contact for awhile. It is sort of like picking at a scab. Sorry for the gross analogy, but that is what it was like for me...does it still hurt? This is what I was doing to myself. It took a lot of willpower to maintain NC, but now I have no desire for contact. I don't even want him in my neighborhood. I try not to be here when he picks up or drops off the kids on the rare occasion that he actually has visitation. He gives me the creeps.

#30 Sep 10 - 10AM (Reply to #11)

NanC (not verified)

We're goin to court next

We're goin to court next week to set up visitations. Do u think with him being a N, he will actually stick to his scheduled wkends? ( i hope not)

#31 Sep 10 - 11AM (Reply to #12)

Fawn

He has to

He will have to stick with the court-ordered visitation. I have sole custody of my kids, and the N asked for the minimum visitation last winter when he started screwing the babysitter. Big mistake on his part. He is now regretting it, I think. They are incapable of thinking past right now, sort of like a six-year-old. He still asks to see the kids sometimes on Sunday night, because he is lonely. I'm not letting him because it isn't a scheduled visitation and they need to be home to get ready for school on Sunday night. Of course, he doesn't get it because HE is lonely. The beauty of a visitation schedule is that it offers some structure. You don't have to negotiate with him over what time he is picking them up, dropping them off, and what holidays you both have them. It will spell it out down to the hours that he can call the kids. Use it, that is what it is for, and STICK TO IT. If you allow the N some flexibility, I think you know what will happen......

1
2
next
last

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews