is it just me or are narcs f ing useless?

13 posts / 0 new

#1 Nov 13 - 1PM

fooled no longer

is it just me or are narcs f ing useless?

I repeat the same things over and over again,
Dont buy that wood its wet,and will smoke up the house, dont buy rock hard fruit and rotten vegetables, we have to throw them away. Please dont throw water down the back of the sink. its wetting the cupboard. * [;'' years of saying the same bloddy, things. I don't drink out of that cup. How I like my tea. He occasionaly makes tea, yes. Always half a cup and cold, just how I hate it. Does nothing sink in, do they never learn ? Uck Im sure I could train the cat to do better than he does.

Last gift I got was a cheap ten buck chinese umbrella from a speciality shop with a fake swiss badge on it that cost him 150 dollars. It will never break he said. It broke the first day!
He just makes mess and never stops talking about how hes my slave cos he made a cup of cold tea. Oh God after explaining everything and then having to do it over again.
He throws wet towel in with the laundry so if you dont see them right away the laundry stinks. I remember someone here saying "He couldnt find his own arse with two hands and a flashlight., They never learn from their mistakes.
Oh God! swimming across an ocean one handed can't even be this hard."
They dont listen, ever!
What Sam Vaknin said was true no matter how charming goodlooking or whatever, its not worth the trouble to put up with Narc shit 24 hours a day.

#2 Nov 14 - 3PM

jen79

Useless

Yes they are in many sense of the word. But we have to remember, they are usefull for being a mirror for us and a huge catalysator for huge changes in our lifes. I am spiritual, and I strongly believe, people come in our lifes for a reason, even if it is just to teach us one thing. In our case, self love, self respect, taking responsibilty. We need to start make mangos out of the shit. We need to see the positve side in it all. Briseis and Betty surely will agree on that, that they became more themselves through the whole experience. These narcs are our mirror, they reflect the negative believes we have about ourselves.

#3 Nov 14 - 6AM

fooled no longer

yeah and as I discoverd, his

yeah and as I discoverd, his head wasn't screwed on right and his heart was at least two sizes too small. I got that from the Grinch,. Useless and a f ing killjoy

#4 Nov 13 - 7PM

Susan32

Observer status in life

In the UN, there are countries that have "observer" status, but they don't actively participate. Ns/Ps are, in their own way, perverse equivalents to this. The ex-Psych professor would say "I'm aloof from life." In his favorite novel, "War and Peace",the main characters, at crucial points, think life is merely theater and that their roles are scripted and pre-determined. Characters are described as marionettes, be they on the battlefield or their deathbed. Prince Andrei is a notable passive observer... and narcissist. The ex-P identified with Andrei, as if Andrei were a real person. Andrei treats his wife Lisa cruelly, with bitterness... and as one author notes Natasha's rejection of Andrei is a "just and severe mercy" as a result of his unloving treatment of Lisa, and is validated when Natasha happily marries Pierre. It's Pierre who tells Andrei that he isn't really living life, he's being passive, that it's a living death. Towards the end, Andrei realizes that life means being connected to and recognizing others, loving and being loved by others- but he really only realizes this purpose of life when he's dying. What's even cruelly ironic is that Andrei is cold and callous on his deathbed towards his loved ones. He still throws Narc rages, forbids them from weeping and showing emotion... he still wants control despite being wounded and dying. Theoretically, he has love, empathy, care figured out in his mind... but he never ACTS on it. He remains an observer till the end. Another aspect of "War and Peace" is its emphasis on roles. During the D&D, the ex-P made a BIG DEAL about everyone playing roles. I'd be telling him... you're a human being, not a role. You were a PERSON long before you became a teacher. I remember telling him in frustration "This is REAL LIFE, not a Greek tragedy." It seems like Ns/Ps want to be directors, screenwriters, audiences for their lives... instead of living life.

#5 Nov 13 - 5PM

NancyM

Good for nothing

Back in the heyday of the continual D&D I erupted after one of his "you just don't understand me" speeches, I asked him why I would really want him around as he was good for absolutely nothing and I MEAN NOTHING. He actually looked shocked. Now that I do understand him completely, I sure as hell don't want him.

Nevergoback

#6 Nov 13 - 2PM

Briseis

Funny . . .

The first descriptor that comes to mind when I describe my exN is "useless". It's not quite as powerful as a few others that describe him, too. But it's the word USELESS that comes up from all other possible words. And I kind of wondered about it, that the word "useless" came up before everything else. It's not even a very scathing description, but damn does it nail him to the wall. Useless. They are helplessly and hopelessly useless. So fucked up that they think making you a cup of HOT tea in the cup you prefer is GIVING IN and they are being CONTROLLED BY YOU if they go along with it. Narcs feel "controlled" and rebel helplessly against anything they think is going along with what you want. That is the definition of useless. Always at odds. Always. They are like robots programmed backwards from reality. Complete and total pains in the ass, frustrating, annoying beyond words and in the final analysis, USELESS. Now that my anger has had it's day, and I've had some time to heal, this is what is left for me. He was a useless excuse in the shape of a human male. I get it, Fooled. So do you :)

#7 Nov 13 - 4PM (Reply to #7)

michele115 (not verified)

Brieseis

Geez Louise...you hit a trigger today with the tea thing! Useless is the word I most often scream when frustrated to my son when I say...don't you see? I'm trying to raise a good man how can you possibly tell me you can't clean out that frying pan!!!? That's the problem with all these damn Men! Their mothers raised them to be USELESS...I'm not lettting you go down that path do you hear me? You will clean out that darn pan! Look at that frigging asshole NARC! What the hell could he do? Over my dead body will I allow you to grow up useless! Clean that darn pan out now!!! Then I go get my iced coffee, grab a cig, and tell him...I'm sorry, baby, Mom loves you, and she's having a hard time...BUT please, please promise me hun, I want you to have a good life, be a good man, be a good provider, never want you to abuse women do you understand? You have to learn these things, you need to help out in the house your wife can't do it all, women aren't placed here to serve men, I love you but you are not a prince...you will be looked up to for leadership...nothing is sexier than a man who can hold his own, and help out and run a house, I don't want you leaving here and shacking up with a USELESS hussy because you're sick of me but need someone to iron for you... I want you to be a good man, not useless... Then he interrupts me and says: Mom, I know, but I'm in the middle of this level on this video game and if I don't finish it now I gotta start over.... Grrrrrr God bless that boy though, I'm pretty honest with him, I explain he's gotta ignore some of my meltdowns, I told him what I'm going through because I don't want him to internalize my temporary madness, I've warned him and told him that a lot of my stuff he's got to let roll off his shoulders. I told him about my abuse, I talk to him about not taking shit from others - even me that he can respectfully tell me when my shit is not correct...Jesus I hope we'll be okay - I think we will, he's really a good kid, and is really helping me more than he did when asshat was here, but I make it clear, his job isn't to "take care of me" but as a team we have to help one another... I think he gets it.... If not, there's always therapy. I always ask him if he's angry or bothered and I even tell him, last thing I want is for him to end up on the shrinks couch when he's older just like I am...that I want him to express himself, his anger whatever constructively.... I dunno I pray a lot...and worry a lot - but so far, he seems okay and knows how to blow me off... Dear God, please let him come out of this without issues and an exceptional man....

#8 Nov 14 - 2PM (Reply to #8)

Briseis

Michelle

My kids actually grew up from lazy teenagers who pretended they could not properly clean a pot into adults who seem to know how to do it just fine :) So from this vantage, I say what I'm about to say. Stuff I wished I had been told, that may not have gotten my kids to wash pans properly, but to go easier on myself (and thus, them). TRUST your boy, trust the goodness that you know is in him, that he is a good person and has every capability to grow up into a real man. By doing that, you focus on his inherent goodness (though you will wait a few more years to see it :D ). It's less helpful to focus on what he does wrong, because one day, when he has his OWN pans, he will want them clean. He just doesn't "own" anything yet. He's a kid, kids don't own anything yet, they just do what they are told, without responsibility and ownership. It's still something you must teach them, but don't FRET over it, it communicates your worry to your son and he can only internalize that as him being "not good enough". That's not to say you don't get him back up to the sink to wash the pan properly. It's just that you don't make a mountain out of a molehill. Like I did (sigh). He knows you love him and admire and value him. Trust him to become a good man FIRST. I think that is key in raising good boys into good men :) And give a swift, brief kick in the pants when they veer off course :D

#9 Nov 13 - 2PM (Reply to #5)

fooled no longer

yeah they get this kind of

yeah they get this kind of sick pleasure in not doing what you suggested. There's an exhibition on today here, two steps from the house. I mentioned 3 times we should go together. Then we had an argument and he stormed out f ing up yet another weekend. He told me later when I said I was sad we had missed going, that he had gone there alone, when he stormed out, but refused to tell me what it was like or his opinion of it. This holding out on you is really 2 year old PA shit, and is so crazy making because it hooks you in. PS he just came in to suck up to me, and asked "Can I make you a cup of tea." I thought of you :) and I said. " No thanks. I like my tea hot and a full cup, preferably clean, and if you havent got that in 8 years thats OK I'm difficult. He went off mumbling that im a B

#10 Nov 14 - 4PM (Reply to #6)

better off

I have a question: Why did

I have a question: Why did you "mention" three times that you should go together... with the N, who is making you miserable? I have two comments, one about normal people, and one about narcs. First, here is one thing we women tend to do... you didn't ask him to go, correct? You just kept "mentioning" that you "should" go together. Even with a kind of normal man, (and I have learned this raising BOYS), they don't respond well to that. We don't say what we mean, as in, I want to go, let's go at 1:00. We "mention that we should go" which is just an idea, to them. Men respond to declarative sentences and direct questions. When I say I learned this raising boys, I remember an exact moment when I said, I wish you'd pick up your shoes! And he said, well that wish didn't come true! And, I swear, he was not trying to be a smartass, he was just taking me literally. I looked at him and said, Pick up your shoes. He blinked and said..oh! And picked them up. I did some reading about how women tend to "mention" things (hint), or say "I wish you would..." or "It would be nice if..." or "we ought to..." things like that. For a LOT of males, this goes right over their head. You have to be direct when you want something. THEN they get it. NOW, let's talk about your evil, selfish narc. First of all, you must still be clinging on to some kind of hope of having an actual relationship with this broken, hateful person, or you wouldn't be trying to arrange plans like this at all. WHY did you think you "should" go together indeed? He ruins everything even if he goes! Then, you "had an argument" and he stormed out. Well of course you did. That's his MO. I've noticed that with yours as soon as he wants to resist, he starts a fight, so he can run away. The entire PURPOSE of the fight is to resist you in some other way, it has nothing to do with the fight. That's what he did to you on that important weekend. It was important for YOU, it was something good for YOU, and he completely undermined it with his hateful behavior. That kind of thing is intentional. And we spend hours picking apart how the fight happened, or what he meant when he said X, and did Y, etc. But it's all meaningless. The fight was inevitable. He was going to fight with you about something to ruin and control your weekend. SO, if you want to go do XYZ (see an exhibition), then a fight is coming, so he can deflect what is going on, and then have some lame excuse to storm out, and THEN, add insult to injury by CLAIMING to go without you. Do you know what I think? I think the reason he won't even discuss it with you or tell you what he thought is because he DIDN'T go! He's just gaslighting you and being mean. He is so meanspirited! If this is what you want, not only will I not agree, I will go WITHOUT you. That is just hateful. Finally... FNL, listen. If you wanted to go to that exhibition, you should have put on your shoes and walked out the door. Would it still make you sad that you went without him? Yes, but at least you would have done it, instead of being sad and not even getting to go at all. You are giving HIM to power to control you and "make you" happy or sad. When the relationship ended with my exN, and it appeared I was going to be "stuck" working on my marriage for one last ditch effort, I finally changed all that. There was a big sporting event in my city, and I wanted to go. This was even FREE. We didn't do it the year before either, and my H summarily said "I'm not going to that." But this was a beautiful sunny Sunday, and I thought, darn it, I will go without you. Did I WANT to go by myself? No. But I decided it was better than not going at all. So I drove down, and I watched this thing, and it was pretty cool, and I got to meet one of the athletes, and I walked around enjoying it and yet feeling VERY bittersweet about it. I was also missing the exN, because this was an interest we had in common, and I kept thinking that HE would have gone with me, etc... but anyway, self-pity and all, I was there. H couldn't believe I really did it, as he was used to deciding if and when we were going to do something. He loved to say no. There were a lot of things we DID do, but it was always up to him. So he was a bit shocked that I would really go by myself. I came home and raved about it and showed him the pics, and dang, but he felt a little left out and wished he'd gone... hmmm. And, especially after I met the one athlete, I thought, well I could have felt sorry for myself and gotten nothing, or I could have felt sorry for myself and at least did this! So, after that, if he wouldn't go, I did anyway. And usually I could find a friend to go someplace he wouldn't. Wouldn't you know it, but all of a sudden, guess who started showing up? Guess who now ASKS ME if it's OKAY for him to go too??? lol Guess who actually started to find me interesting again, when I became interesting again. It was HIS FAULT I had become less interesting because he blocked everything I wanted to do, but once I didn't care, he was the one left on the couch feeling alone. Luckily for us, my H is not a narc, my H was just being as selfish and lazy as a non-narc could get away with. He now finds his selfishness to be a lonely experience. There isn't any payoff. ;-) For a narc, resisting you IS the payoff. I just tell all that to illustrate that it's up to us to have the life and enjoy the things we want WITH or WITHOUT a man. Having an interested man along, well that's icing, but it's NOT the cake! I don't want anyone to think this story is a way to try and keep a NARCISSIST interested. Because they only are interested in themselves.

#11 Nov 13 - 2PM

Scoop

Oh its not just you , narcs

Oh its not just you , narcs really are good for nothing , loosers the lot of them ... mine forgot i worked .. truly . it was gob smacking , he would say "next week lets go to that thing i was telling you its on till 5 oclock " ,.. and i would just look at him and say "how long have you known me ? what do i do every day at 5 oclock ? every day i have done this ,now .. what do i do ? ".... and he would look at me as if it was a trick question .. and i would say "think about it , everyday i do something at 5 ... now what is it ? .....still a blank ... i would say "i work dont i " .... he would say "oh yeah " ... It was mind bending ...i really felt like pinching myself to see if i was there .But then on the other hand if there was someone around and he was playing the dutiful boyfriend he would remember my life in minute deatail , things i have told him that even i forgot about .. It was stuff like that that kept me hooked for so long . And dont get me started about him not clearing up after himself , there is a reason i call his house a Rat infested hovel lol,,Oh and good news my dear friend who lives with him is moving out on WED , she has had enough .. the final straw was she wanted a house rabbit , it was a rabbit that needed rescuing and my friend planned on giving the little mite a good home and my narc said to her "you can get it but i will eat it " .her word where i believe "he is such a wanker " .hehehe

#12 Nov 13 - 7PM (Reply to #3)

useless---so true!

After a year divorced from N, I now realize how much EASIER it is to take care of my home without him! He was usless when it came to chores, cleaning, shopping, taking care of our daughter. In fact, he created extra mess, confusion & drama. He tried to say something to me at the soccer game today. I walked past him without even a glance in his direction. His voice is like empty wind to me. Meaningless---useless.

#13 Nov 13 - 2PM

venuslovedpluto

Haha

Amen!!!!!

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