Is it right to date before you have divorced the narc. I'm guessing not...

15 posts / 0 new

#1 Sep 27 - 4PM

Qing Yuan

Is it right to date before you have divorced the narc. I'm guessing not...

Is it even legal???
I wonder what ur thoughst are??? I have been split for 18 months. longer if you count sleeping in seperate roooms but you probably dont. (I do fit in to the 18 month rule as set out by those who went before... ;-0)

But Breisis made me realise that its probably not a good idea, if you are still feeling messed up this long after... (after all its NOT 18 mnths of NC is It!!!!!) to date guys at all in any sense until the dust has settled...

But what happens when you meet someone who seems nice and seems genuine.
And you feel attracted to them and it seems different... cos you have learned that 'nice' men are more attractive than clever articulate hyper-thinker type men!!!
(THO...I mean... they all seem pretty nice and genuine from the outset dont they???)

Do you just flip em aside and say I am not ready. I need to know myself more...
YOu prob shud right!?

Or do you suck it and see.. the theory that is?
I mean when do you become qualified to see the red flags and move on it like a panther (or out of it anyway) ...

And what if there are no red flags and he really is a good genuine guy.

DO you risk messing with his world with your shitty entagnled life of debt and kids and ex's....weird mental head case NARC ex's at best too...

What do you guys think?
Am I confused rigth now.
I am so lonley, ive picked up a few guys while drunk and regretted it till I was ill with worry about it. I learned the hard way how not to do it and after all these guys were loosers who weren't lookign for nothing more than a F...

What if you meet someone who genuinly want's to 'date' you... 'court you' and you really are NOT ready? Would you miss out on chances of happiness becasue its not the right time???

Its worrying me not to know the answer to this in my own head.

I am pretty strong 90% of the time. IN MYSELF. I do martaial arts, work in a hard job, raise a child, get on with the other steiner mums etc...
I feel that I knwo myself better now than I have ever done before.. I am gettign older and I want more children and to create a loving home with a man...
Is that so wrong to want that just now....
Pls pipe up ladies...
I can take it...

#2 Sep 27 - 5PM

better off

It sounds like you have much

It sounds like you have much unfinished business, and much healing still to do. And SM's right, a non red flag guy wouldn't really want to jump in the middle of that "entanglement", IMO. He'd be willing to wait. He could be a nice guy, it doesn't mean he is a narc, see, it could also mean that he has his own issues and wants to save a damsel in distress, and that's not a good start either. If I remember your story correctly, whatever you say about 18 months, you have been enmeshed and in contact right up to a few weeks ago. Your ex, or semi-ex, has been using you, hanging out at your house, and bringing his juicer over, right? Is that the right story (you changed your name, I think?) You haven't been no contact if a guy is still making his juice in your kitchen, telling you his sob stories about his pricey bicycle, and complaining about the state of your refrigerator. So I think you have a loooong way to go to get your mind clear and healthy, divorce proceedings aside. It is so tempting to let a nice guy make it all better, but it just doesn't work, at least not for very long. Of course it's not wrong to WANT that, but it's not wise to do it yet. And loneliness, ironically enough, is not a good reason to get involved with someone. My son wants to drive a car, but he's not ready (or old enough), even though he thinks he could do it. And maybe he could, if he really had to, but he would probably have an accident. And again, a man who wants to start dating you when you haven't completed your divorce even, is perhaps a risk. All that aside, let me calm one of your fears about losing chances for happiness. You said: "What if you meet someone who genuinly want's to 'date' you... 'court you' and you really are NOT ready? Would you miss out on chances of happiness becasue its not the right time???" Qing Yuan, if it's not the right time, then it won't actually make you happy. If you really are NOT ready, then it won't work. Does that make sense? Don't whip yourself into fear about missing "the chance." I wonder if it's from watching movies that we believe in some kind of mystical "chance" happening. Or, The One. Believing in stuff like this being The One is what got us in trouble in the first place. There is nothing cosmic going on here. You met a person. Your life is very complicated right now, so this is probably not the best time to get involved with another person and make it more complicated. There will be other chances. Better chances, because you'll be better equipped in the future. And with respect, QY, it seems like maybe you DON'T know yourself all that well. Just a last month you were so enamored of your ex because you felt sorry for him having trouble in that race. I asked you what about feeling sorry for him made him so attractive to you? I don't think you ever responded. I remember you saying he seemed "so beautiful." Have you thought more about what was so "beautiful" in this selfish narc? Before you start being attracted to someone else?

#3 Sep 27 - 9PM (Reply to #14)

almostlydia

ditto, better off, excellent

ditto, better off, excellent advice. Love the teenager and the car analogy. almostlydia

almostlydia

#4 Sep 27 - 6PM (Reply to #9)

Qing Yuan

yes I see... My narc husband

yes I see... My narc husband is very very attractive. very handsome, dark skinned, tall, slim etc.. I look at him and see the same person I saw when we first met. He was here tonight to pick up his bike.. I felt more sorry for him than anything else. He is ruining his own life by being 'pretty bad' at most stuff that he takes on. His successes are limted... I 'love' him, as anyone would when you have had a child togther, child birht etc brings yout close even if you are at logger-heads most of the time.. but he still frightens me and although I am strong when he is here now he is still dominating and can bring me down in seconds. When he does I kick him out the door everytime... He doent eat here anymore nor does he stay over.. I knocked that on the head a good while ago... I sometimes really hate him too... And the beauty.. well it is skin deep.. It always was. I think I am shallow.. then... I want to be less shallow... have a relationship built on more than the oxytocin junk filled rush of a narc buzz.. I am seeing this is my error to find these types of guys attractive... I noticed this in myself recently whe I met a very good looking guy at a wedding.. RED FLAG alert!!! I want to change that. I just want the chance. I am still confused...x

#5 Sep 27 - 11PM (Reply to #10)

better off

Oh! Okay, well I was reading

Oh! Okay, well I was reading a lot more into your comments that day about the beautiful part...like his legendary story about himself was inspiring you somehow, that he was this beautiful person, instead of making you sick. If he's physically beautiful, well, what can you do? lol I mean Alec Baldwin is a narc from hell, apparently, but he's physically beautiful. What can I say? (tho a bit long in the tooth now) But if he bitched at me about my fridge, I'd throw him out on his beautiful ear. haha Because he's a rude, thoughtless little pig. Well, I don't think you're shallow, just human. :-) I liked Briseis' comments about getting to know this other guy slowly. Obviously I am always about caution caution caution after my experience of being taken taken taken for a ride. ;-) best wishes

#6 Sep 28 - 4AM (Reply to #11)

Qing Yuan

Yea think sometimes I am not

Yea think sometimes I am not clear... Sorry about that. Yea he is as what my last narc was... very beautiful looking guy. all though not as admired by woman as my ex.. And thanks for saying 'human' not shallow cos I think I am shallow for fallling for them for that being so important to me... dumb.. And yes, I never intended to jump into bed and start tellign this guy he is the one.. ooooh no... I am really not sure he.. He is not my ususal type, inafct everything the opposite in looks but I reckon.. I might not even 'like' him myself when I get to know him... So caution is important for both parties... I just think a day with someone is harmless enough.. I am not gona take him back to my house or arrange second date too soon. I am gon be open and honest to a degree... if he asks me about my ex, but I am not giving out too much information about myself. He may still be a narc, with my track record and to be frank I am not giving no body the amo to blast me down later... So thanks I think I have decided that it cant be the end of the world to share a meal with him? Cheers all. x

#7 Sep 28 - 8AM (Reply to #12)

better off

Good Girl!

Important progress: "I am gon be open and honest to a degree... if he asks me about my ex, but I am not giving out too much information about myself. He may still be a narc, with my track record and to be frank I am not giving no body the amo to blast me down later." Excellent! I have noticed a definitive pattern among women on the board, that when they are looking at new relationships they have thought it's a good idea to be "up front" about having been through a lot, having to take it slow, and to let a guy know they won't put up with lying or "games" anymore. Narcs lick their chops when they hear that... perfect opening for them to START their games, and tell you all about how much THEY have been through too, and oh yes they want the same thing... All they are really thinking is...A SUCKER! I think... in the "normal" world (wherever that is) that kind of thing should go unsaid. It should be a given that you won't tolerate lying and games. Like, I don't have to TELL someone I won't tolerate them stealing my car, right? Between normal people, you shouldn't have to say I won't tolerate lying. You just don't tolerate it. And then, you have to NOT tolerate it!! We say their actions speak louder than words, but so do ours. Like sweet samm has been doing... he said he was honest, blah blah, and then he started playing games, and she said buh-bye. Not, I don't want to lose this guy, and then enter the crazy dance with them. And just like taking it slow, if you have to insist on taking it slow with someone who's going fast, you need to get away from that person anyway. I think it's better to phrase something like that as just wanting to get to know someone, as opposed to "exploring a relationship" or whatever it is people say these days. Get to know people. If it's a good person, maybe then you explore a relationship. Instead of exploring a relationship and then getting to know them! The real them. So I think you sound reasonably cautious and wise. And I understand, yes, it would be nice to have dinner with someone and not be choking on their narcissism. I think it's nice to hear you say you are simply thinking about sharing a meal with someone, and not thinking maybe he will be the one for you. He's just a guy. Who eats. :-)

#8 Sep 28 - 8AM (Reply to #13)

Qing Yuan

who eats and whose dates

who eats and whose dates eats... ;-D xx I think that I will be in a moderato heaven just enjoying that kind of pleasant time with someone... I mean I might be dying to leave the restaurant because I am not ready and he is "wrong, wrong, wrong..." but what is the harm in looking to make a friendship with someone who is happy to chat about the weather, day to day life, just ordinary stuff... It has the potential to be pretty ordinary.. How novel that would be.. ??? instead sitting facing a deeply cryptic, bambooziling, in your face, narcissist... banging on about himself and god knows whatever 'buzz-kill' hyper mad idea he has that day... I might even be able to get a word in, or atleast say something that isn't met with either galzed eyes or critical reproach.. novel! Thanks again better off

#9 Sep 27 - 5PM

betty2020

Its is recommended that we

Its is recommended that we wait for 18 months out of a relationship with a Narc before we start dating. The reason is that we need time to recover from the effects that are present after an abusive relationship. Ambient abuse, gaslighting and other techniques they use on us do leave lasting effects. Cognative Dissonace, ptsd etc.. are sometimes not as visible to the naked eye but they are there and can manifest themselves in other ways in the subconcious. Even though you may feel healthy and comfortable with the new guy, the first signs of something that you relate back to your past relationship with the Narc can cause a trigger effect. Maybe its real, maybe its not but this confusion is caused by your disrupted emotional state from the abusive past you have been through. The point being that this is time for you to recover from what you have been through. It is not healthy to engage in a relationship with someone until you are in a healthy state yourself. Not healthy for you and unfair to the person on the receiving end. I can not tell you what is right in legal terms but Emotionally i would say its a no go. Not what you want to hear I know. I am not in a relationship and I have been out for sometime. I am sticking to the 18 month rule. I have had men approach me and I feel uneasy. More uneasy with myself than them. There is a reason for this. When i am healthy with myself I will attract a healthy person in my life. Until then im riding solo and that is ok today b/c I found someone very special to direct my time and energy towards. ME xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#10 Sep 27 - 6PM (Reply to #7)

betty2020

also, if he is the right man

also, if he is the right man he will understand this. You are approaching a year now. I am sure you are feeling strong and more than ready. I would think that with being open and honest about your past with him and letting him know your situation would be acceptable to him. This gives you both the time to develop a wonderful friendship first that will aid in your future life together as a couple... Building the foundation. only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#11 Sep 27 - 5PM

iAmMINE

for me...

It is my belief that everyone has to make their own choices, however for myself?... a decent guy will come along when it's "time". After I have gotten to the place where I am ready. ~~~ Keep Learning & Keep Healing ~~~ ~~~~~ The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don't give them, --she said, (taken from my final remarks in a Sync Weekly Magazine article about my art and mySelf

~~~ Keep Learning & Keep Healing ~~~

~~~~~ The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don't give them.

#12 Sep 27 - 5PM

Briseis

Why not just take it

Why not just take it reaaalll slow? Meeting for coffee or dinner or a movie . . . there's NOTHING wrong with anyone doing that at any time (at least in my personal opinion, which is as valuable as the money you paid for it LOL!!) It's when you jump in the sack and start confessing true love and when you'll move in together, yadda yadda yadda . . . and you are still messed up over your exNarc. That's when it's not fair to the new guy and really not fair to your need for healing and getting strong again. I think dating and friendships that may become more are what it's all about . . . but when you aren't at your best, you aren't giving your best to this new guy. And if it's just dating/friendship/getting-to-know-you, hey, it's a good thing. Edited to add: there isn't a one of us who wouldn't want a beautiful, good man to come along and wipe the memory and pain of our exNarc. Except that is an awful lot to expect out of some new guy. Just my gut feeling on this.

#13 Sep 27 - 6PM (Reply to #4)

Qing Yuan

Breseis....Thanks for this..

Yes, we planned to meet just for dinner and possibly a film... in the day time too. I have already said that I need to take it very very slow.. he does too. He has been out of the dating game for some years himself and we have been chatting on the text, net and phone for 4-5 months. Its began very casually and we just kept talking about permaculture, wood projetcs like building chicken coops and about growing tomatoes and other very handy man out doory type happy hippy stuff. He is a carpenter. I am a very keen p-c gardner.. We have talked about building my chicken coop together... I think that is my dream date.. don't laugh!!!! OK my ex narc wouldn't... he took me straight to bed for a wham bag thank you mam..... and wouldnt dare go near a power tool... He is a bit older than me and greying and has a politeness to him that I want to know more about. I like good manners. My ex narc can be a rude pig... (tho they can all put it on when they need to right... I am under no apprehensions that he couldn't easlily be a narc too) :( He is not trying to get me into bed tho.. I know that.... I like that too... I am not even going to kiss him first date. NOPE!!! I already made my mind up of that. if he likes me, he will wait and maybe I wont even like him in that way???? maybe a friendship is all I want right now and if he likes me then he will respect that right? And if he is a nasty narc after sex then that will soon come out, I am sure!!!!! The nasty's want to pressure you and pressure you.... forcing the relationship from one goal post to the next at a massive speed... I know that now.. Of course its an awful to expect this guy to be a beautiful prince charming who can heal away all the pain or be some kind of pick me up for my bruised ego... . Your RIGHT again Briseis. I guess I just wana sit in restaurant and drink a glass of wine and eat a meal and not choke on my food because the pig sitting opposite you has just humilated you and said something so hurtful that you food gets caught in your throat.. I have done that a few times in the past with narc hsuand. The meal is ruined and at the end, you feel sick instead of satiated. YEA. The POSSIBILITY I rellish most is this,,,,, think of it... just a quiet meal sitting sharing a pleasant easy conversation with a polite man chatting about lower-level intellectual stuff (instead of being dominated to death by a a floral converastionslist banging on about politics, conspiracy theroies and governments corruption)... i.e stuff like.. building tounge in goove panels chicken coops or how to best distress wooded picture frames with a wire wool, or what flavour food his dog eats, or what nice contry side walk/place you last visited?! I honestly dont want more than that! How nice that would be for some one who has never really had that..... :)

#14 Sep 27 - 5PM

ShaynasMommy

Its tricky....

Although the relationship is virtually over, maybe not on paper, but in spirit, it probably is not wise to date until its official. I don't know any guy who would really want to get entangled in this situation unless he's just there for convenience, any respectful man would wait for you to finish your business. But I'm old fashioned. I may even get blasted for that comment on this board. Just my two cents.

#15 Sep 27 - 5PM (Reply to #2)

Qing Yuan

No you shouldnt get balsted.

No you shouldnt get balsted. I think your right... I am greatful. I think I knew all of this anyway.. xx

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews