Jakey's Story (4 Months In The Cuckoo's Nest)

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#1 Apr 21 - 2PM
Jakey
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Jakey's Story (4 Months In The Cuckoo's Nest)

Please forgive me if my thoughts are somewhat disjointed. I'm not using any prepared notes, just an old fashioned "stream of consciousness". My nightmare began in November of 2015. I'm in my early 60s, single, recently retired, had not dated in years and was feeling somewhat lonely. The perfect victim. She was 47, divorced, with 4 children, 3 in college. She was absolutely beautiful to me. She had a magnetic and energetic personality, was highly intelligent and educated, and I became instantly lost in her beautiful eyes. Naturally, I was concerned about the age difference, but she assured me that it wasn't a problem. She said she was more attracted to older men, and her last "victim" had been 8 years older than I. She was also attracted to wealthy men. I was an exception; definitely not wealthy. Former boyfriends consisted of a CEO of a major airline, a very wealthy professional golfer, and other wealthy businessmen. She liked the status those mates brought her. And, it didn't matter if they were married or not. Our first date seemed like a dream. She seemed so perfect. She wore a beautiful blue dress and we couldn't stop touching each other. She had a light sweet voice and could easily converse on any topic. The conversation flowed without effort and I felt as if I had known her for years. She had such a beautiful smile and there seemed to be a sparkle of joy in her eye the whole evening. I was falling fast. Men are weak when given lavish amounts of attention from young attractive women. I was no exception. During that dinner-date she set off one of my alarm bells by telling me that she never lied and that she would always give me a truthful answer to any question that I asked. That seemed odd. Experience had taught me that people who claim to "never lie" are often the biggest liars around. I let her comment go because other than that she seemed perfect. Later I was to learn that my alarm bell was correct. She lied about everything. She lied so often that on occasions when she actually did "tell the truth", I thought she was lying. However, on that first evening I was her "puppy dog", and she could do no wrong. I drove her home and she asked me to come in "for a few minutes". And I had no intention of doing more than just that. She excused herself to change clothing. The change of clothing was classic entrapment. From dress to blouse and short skirt. I didn't really understand why she bothered. I was soon to learn. About 10 minutes into a conversation she suddenly pulls up her blouse, saying "Do you like my bra? I need to wear a special bra because I have large nipples". Then she pulled up her bra. I was now in shock mode. I never expected her exhibitionist display. Exhibitionism was one of her many behavioral and social problems. It was consistent throughout my short experience with her. As you can imagine, her next move was to suddenly pull up her skirt. She never wore panties, and she was obsessed with masturbation. Later, it became very routine of her to masturbate in the car as we were driving somewhere. Initially, I thought it was amusing. However, she did it so often that my amusement turned to disgust. It was so very classless. She suddenly stood up, grabbed me by the hand and pulled me into an adjacent bedroom off of the living room. Her daughter's bedroom! She said to me, "It's against my rules to do this on a first date, but in your case I'm going to make an exception". I was nervous and uncomfortable about the whole situation at this point, but she was very cool and casual. Another alarm bell was going off in my head! She was giving me the impression that she had done this before. Her manner was much too casual. She told me that she didn't allow anyone into her bedroom. She told me that her bedroom was a "sacred and sterile" environment and that no one was allowed in it. My immediate impression of that statement was that she couldn't handle her feelings of guilt for having multiple "sex partners", not "lovers", and that she didn't want to remember images of them in her bed. So consequently, she used her youngest daughter's bedroom. Her daughter usually stayed with her father. Her youngest daughter didn't want to spend time with her mother. Wise decision on her daughter's part. I spent the entire night with her. The sex act was frequent but cold. It would always be cold with her. No words of affection, very little touching, and no kissing. She was an absolute germaphobe! She disliked kissing although she never asked me to wear a condom. Very strange. Her fear of germs plagued her continuously. She wouldn't touch the salt & pepper shakers in a restaurant. I had to do that for her. She wouldn't touch the menu. I had to turn the pages for her. She would never touch a public door. I often wondered how she managed to function at all on a day to day basis. Her sex drive was very strong as I learned over the next few months. But sex with her was always lacking in any warmth or affection. It was cold and distant. Her only interest was climaxing. Nothing else mattered to her. I was an object, a sex toy, something to be used for her physical pleasure. For her, sex wasn't about bonding with another person. It was simply about her immediate need for gratification. I was hardly there at all. Over the next few months there were many occasions when she would knock on my door and make a beeline to my bedroom. These visits were often unannounced. She would quickly strip off her clothing and order me to join her. Foolishly, I obliged. When "she" was finished, she would quickly hop out of bed put her cloths on and walk out the door. Never a hug or kiss goodbye. Rarely a glance backward as she walked out of the bedroom, out of the house, and drove away. It left me with a horrible cold and empty feeling. I must have asked myself a thousand times, "How can she treat me like this?" It was horrible. I loved her with all of my heart and soul but was gradually learning that I meant nothing to her. I had never met a person in my life who was more arrogant, selfish, and emotionally detached as she. She was also incredibly stingy even though she was incredibly wealthy; inherited money. She always complained about the amount of the tip I would leave at a restaurant. Finally, getting tired of hearing this criticism, I suggested that she leave the tip. She said, "No, that's your responsibility!". One of my nicknames for her was "Affluent Cheapskate". She became enraged when I called her that. She had a horrible temper. I often felt as though I were dealing with a 2 year old child. Everything had to be "her way", and she was right about everything all the time. I was her "baby sitter", and I never knew when another temper tantrum would develop. It created a lot of stress for me. A lot. She didn't mind spending money on herself or on her army of admirers. She claimed to have "hundreds of friends". She didn't. No one likes arrogant self centered people. I tried to explain that to her. She didn't get it. She had hundreds of acquaintances; people who barely knew her. People who admired her because she was attractive, rich, and a party girl. She didn't need to work, and she loved the nightclub party lifestyle. Even at 47, I thought she was a bit old for the mini dress and cleavage party girl lifestyle. She couldn't seem to grow up. Again, I often felt that I was in a "babysitter" role. She loved to spend money, and had plenty of it. I never saw her in the same clothing twice. I need to note here that even though this was a relatively brief relationship (4 months), we were together constantly since we both had huge amounts of free time. The first month was magical, and I fell deeply in love with her. She said and did most everything just right. She gave me an enormous amount of attention that had my self esteem soaring. She made me feel "like a king" and I thought she was an angel sent from heaven. About a month into the relationship her "ugly twin" began to appear. And it got worse almost everyday. For example, she began to become very suspicious and jealous. She kept accusing me of seeing other women even though I wasn't. That's one of the reasons she would show up on my doorstep unannounced. Trying to catch me with someone else. She was very insecure; the "flip side" of arrogance. Returning to the topic of money, she didn't hesitate to purchase enormous amounts of new clothing for herself, vacation trips to Europe and Africa, and occasionally she would send her daughter's entire sorority on a Carribean cruise at her expense; some 20 - 25 girls! She used money to buy admiration; to create what I called her "fan club". Part of her "party girl lifestyle" involved organizing fund raising galas for wealthy folks. She loved organizing and attending such events. Rubbing shoulders with the local rich & famous gave her narcissistic thirst huge satisfaction. She herself contributed little or nothing to charity. But she didn't hesitate to ask others, including myself, to do so. My "heavenly dream" steadily eroded as time went by. Her superficial affection for me vanished. I had become a sex toy and a free meal, nothing more. She refused to introduce me to her children or mother. She didn't want me coming to her house. I had become a classic secondary source of her Narcissistic Supply. Fortunately, because I had a background in Psychology and several decades of "life experience" I was able to clearly identify her problems and new that she was hiding behind defensive walls to protect a shattered ego. I stopped playing her game fairly quickly. I don't tolerate disrespect from anyone, and as her level of disrespect for me increased, so did the fighting. We began to fight constantly. She would go into a rage when I said "No" to her. She would often point her finger at me and with hatred in her eyes would say "No one ever says no to me!". I began to see more and more of the 2 year old, and less of the 47 year old. During one particular tremendous verbal battle I coerced her into telling me about her past and what was it exactly that made her such a cold, cruel person. She told me that she had been raped when she was 9 years old when temporarily being housed in an orphanage because her father was a career criminal who was in and out of prison. That revelation abruptly ended the argument, and it actually made me love her so much more. I have no doubt she was telling me the truth at that moment. It explained so much. God bless her. No one should have to go through an ordeal like that. I know that rape can destroy a woman's soul and that many women commit suicide after being raped. But as an adult, I expected better from her, and I often put pressure on her to change her inappropriate behavior. Sometimes, I put too much pressure on her to initiate change. My fault. She admitted to being arrogant and self centered. She also told me she had Attention Deficit Disorder. I accepted that as being truthful. Although she was without doubt the most intelligent woman I had ever dated, she had trouble focusing on any given topic for more than a few minutes. She admitted she needed to make changes with her behavior, but those changes never happened. Instead, she rebelled more against me. She would scream at me "Don't ever try to change me! I'm perfect the way I am!". It was so sad to hear her say things like that. I wanted so much to help her. I loved her so very much. But I was failing. I was stressed and depressed. I knew we probably didn't have much of a future together. As her coldness toward me escalated I asked her directly if she was capable of loving anyone. Her answer came quickly, "No, I don't think so". That was a heart breaking moment for me. One of many that she inflicted on me. Still, I didn't give up. I decided to use a more gentle, non-confrontational approach with her. It didn't work. Her abnormal behavior escalated constantly. She deliberately wanted to battle with me. She was determined to see me acknowledge her intellectual superiority. I didn't. And things got worse. Things had changed so much. 2 weeks after I met her, she told me that she "adored me" and that "life would be unbearable without me". Those statements set my alarm bells off but I ignored the warning. To this day I believe she may be the most fascinating and complicated person that I have ever met in my life. I refuse to ever stop loving her. She is a child of God, and has a heart and soul, though her heart is extremely damaged. However, I also realize how critical the "No Contact" rule is for restoring my own peace of mind. I had violated that rule by retaining photos, emails, and notes about her. I have since destroyed them all. I violated that rule by occasionally viewing her Facebook entries. Big mistake. I don't do that anymore. It just made me angry and depressed to do so. Facebook is her world stage. She uses it to show the world how wonderful she is, how wonderful and perfect her life is, and she floods it with photos of herself and quotes from the bible to illustrate what a devout Christian she is. She's a Christian in name only. She respects no one and treats everyone as lesser forms of life. It's part of her Facebook smoke screen. She has many hundreds of Facebook friends. They're not friends. They're just naive admirers who barely know her. She has such a great talent for making new superficial friends. I witnessed her "technique" on many occasions. Her smile was radiant, and she would feign interest and attention to everything they said. She had pulled the same stunt on me. I observed how she would change the inflection in her voice to win someone over. It became so sweet and sugary when she turned on her "fake compassion" switch. My goodness she was good at it!! An Academy Award winning performance time after time. She had that beautifully warm exterior that concealed her cold and uncaring heart. Do all these Narcissists go to the same college? Do they have PhDs. in deception? They all seem to use the same playbook. As time went by, her temper tantrums became more frequent and more pronounced. Near the end of our relationship she began physically striking me hard when I dared to disagree with her or say "no" to her. The end was clearly on the horizon. Occasionally there would be a short "burst of sweetness" that would give me some hope. But the next day the "queen of cruel" would emerge again. I once told her that she had a Jeykll & Hyde personality. That struck a big nerve! She pointed a finger in my face and said, "Don't you ever say that to me again"! The rage in her face was incredible, a little frightening. It was because of her never ending mood swings, rages, and childish behavior that I once asked her if she were taking psych meds. That struck another big nerve! She went into a rage and starting throwing things at me. I had my answer - yes! My stress in dealing with her was overwhelming. I was depressed and fully understood her daily mission to degrade and devalue me. I knew perfectly well what was happening. But my love for her was authentic. I had hoped it was strong enough to "save the day". It wasn't. No matter how hard you love that "cinder block", it's never going to love you back. It was incredibly frustrating. A few weeks after I pushed her out of my life I had heart surgery. It was successful. I'm convinced that my time with her helped to worsen my health situation. Our fateful day arrived in early April of 2016, about one year ago. She stopped by for a quick visit and asked me if I'd be willing to attend some kind of charity fund raising event the following week. I told her yes even though I had no interest in events like that. I see them as nothing more than wealthy people trying to feel good about themselves. Anyway, I asked her what time she wanted me to pick her up. Her response, "You can't pick me up, you can't go with me, you're not good for my image". This woman was obsessed with her image and how other people perceived her. She was constantly talking about her image. I was a bit shocked by her response. I asked her if we'd be sitting at the same table. She said, "No, you can't sit with me". I didn't no how to respond to such a major and deliberate insult. A few minutes later she left. About 15 minutes later I sent her a strongly worded text message informing her that we were done. I called her a thief and a liar. She had a habit of keeping very expensive gifts from her rich ex-boyfriends; such as a $40,000 Rolex watch. She never returned such gifts. In my book that was stealing. She had plenty of her own money. It was classless not to return such gifts. She had no class. And the only person that mattered was herself. Her definition of "right" was anything she wanted. Her definition of "wrong" was anything that got in her way. I then blocked her phone number and emails (applying the "No Contact" rule). I told her never to come back to my house again. The camel's back was finally broken!! I didn't hear from her for 5 months. I thought I was free. I removed the email block. Big mistake. She started sending me emails begging me to see her. I asked why. She just kept repeating "Please see me", over and over. At first I said no, but then broke down and said yes. I met her for dinner. She was incoherent, unfocused, and jumped from one meaningless topic to another. More incoherent than I had ever seen her before. I kept asking her what she wanted. She couldn't answer. She told me she had just broken up with someone else. That explained everything. She was trying to grab me as a "victim" again. I didn't let it happen. I told her I was dating other people, and that we were finished. I never saw her again after that night. There were a couple of quick phone calls and text messages, nothing more. My final text message to her was "Are you capable of having a mature adult conversation with me?". Her response, "I don't think I can do that". That said it all!! Interpersonal relationships were beyond her emotional capabilities. Despite her having "hundreds of friends", she is a very isolated woman. Today, I am using the "No Contact Rule" for all it's worth. It's a great rule. I will do my best to never break it. However, in order to help insure that she would stay out of my life, I sent her an email with a very convincing story about having become married and moved two hours away to another city. A big, but rather clever, lie. She bought it. Even said "Congratulations". So I believe that my disassociation from her is secure. I feel so sorry for her, and fear for her future. If she becomes involved with a man who has a violent temper, she may become physically harmed. She has so many mental health issues that it's hard to remember them all: narcissistic with all its associated symptoms, obsessive-compulsive, pathological lying, germaphobe, temper tantrums, lack of social constraints and etiquette, nymphomania, an incredible reliance on profane language, attention deficit disorder, and a complete emotional detachment from everyone around her. Her children are props, part of her "fan club". She enjoys nightclubs more than spending time with her children. Here's an ugly example, she has a habit of walking around her home without wearing any clothing. That alone wouldn't be so terrible except that she does it in front of her 13 year old son. The boy asked her to stop doing that. Her response, "It's my house and I can do whatever I want". I tried to explain to her that it wasn't healthy behavior. She didn't care. Only her wants mattered. No one else really counted. On the subject of "her home"; purchased with inherited money, it looks like a home out of "House Beautiful". It's large and perfect, inside and out. She can afford to have people keep it that way for her. Nothing is ever out of place; her obsessive-compulsive behavior. She loves having people "admire" her perfect home. And yet, the inside of her home has an icy cold feeling. Like a model home that is occupied by no one. She once told me that her home meant nothing to her and that she didn't care if it burned down. I asked her about the furniture and her belongings. She said she didn't care about them. I asked her about the 20 years of memories she had in that home. She didn't care about that either. I had never met anyone who was so detached from their home. How strange. When we first met, she bad-mouthed her ex-husband quite a bit. Said she never loved him, only married him because he was intelligent and good looking and that she wanted intelligent and good looking children. She got half her wish. Her children are very gifted but have very average looks at best. I had asked her if she ever cheated on her ex. She said no, that she was a devout Christian and would never do that. A couple of months later she told me the truth. She openly cheated on him for 10 years, spending most nights at her current boyfriend's house, returning in the morning to get her children ready for school. Her husband knew, but didn't care. The poor guy had enough of her. He was probably relieved when she left the house. Who wouldn't be? With her divorce settlement she asked and received that her ex would purchase a life insurance policy for her in the amount of $1.5 million. That's all she wanted. The house already belonged to her and she had plenty of "inherited" money. She told me, with a big smile on her face, that her husband was not a healthy man, and would probably not live to an old age. She was looking forward to collecting her $1.5 million. I thought that was disgusting. When I told her about my coronary problems she was more concerned about me leaving her my car than she was about my health. Again, that was cold and disgusting. She was truly an "emotional vampire". That was her. A heart of stone. One more piece of unbelievable information before I end this saga. This woman is a Licensed Mental Health Therapist!!! She is currently completing her Doctorate. Imagine that. She tells other people how to live their lives!!! Too bad the State Licensing Board doesn't know the "real her". Strange though it may be, I will always love this woman. I don't un-love a person, not even a cold hearted narcissist. But I will never drop the "No Contact" rule. To do so would be a detriment to my own sanity. I am fully aware of that. I write these words in April 2017, almost exactly one year since pushing her out of my life. She never had a chance to "discard me". I beat her to the punch. I have that satisfaction, but I'm still in the process of rebuilding a very damaged heart. Wish me luck. Thanks, Jakey.

Apr 25 - 3PM
Domo
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Wishing you well