Janie53's Story

A hard lesson

The timing of my meeting with the psychopath was uncanny; the perfect storm. He struck  when I was dealing with several personal challenges. My business, a true passion of my life, unexpectedly had to close due to financial limitations. My parents were confronted with several serious medical issues which required frequent visits to doctors and the hospital. My dad was diagnosed with cancer and I was his advocate during his treatment. I made several trips every week, from my state to theirs, to help them.

The hardest challenge, though was when my daughter was diagnosed with a serious illness with a unknown prognosis. Even writing about it now is difficult. I was in a state of shock. She was so scared and I had no choice but to be strong for her; she needed me more than ever. She is now well thankfully, and will continue to be monitored.

When I met the psychopath we became  fast friends. His charm and gentleness were compelling. He listened attentively to each and every word; all my struggles dealing with hospitals, bad nurses, conflicting medical reports, all of it. He was such a good listener. I was able to let my guard down ; no facade, no bravado. Our friendship was so easy.  Within several months he knew me better than I knew myself. He expected nothing in return, or so I thought.
 
He was married, as was I, and initially  I felt protected by our respective vows. He eventually told me he was in a "loveless marriage" but he stayed with his wife because his father told him he must honor his commitments; divorce wasn't an option.  I admired him for his dedication and felt sorry for his situation. I listened to his stories of how painful and difficult his marriage was. He flattered me by saying if only we met 28 years ago...By  now, I had recognized the nature of our friendship was changing and  I became concerned. 

I confided in my closet friend that I was becoming emotionally involved and she warned me of the dangers. We could usually agree to disagree, but she didn't back down nor did I. I told the psychopath that she disapproved of our  friendship, to which he responded, she was simply jealous. I knew, though, that my morals and values were at stake , so I went to see a therapist. I just went through the motions though, to make myself feel better. He too, gave warning,  but I knew it was too late.

I spent everyday with him after my husband left for work. We had the same interests, enjoyed the same things. It felt great to be taken care of,  he was quite the gentleman. I was treated like royalty and was on top of the world.
I put my  friends and family on the back burner. I was still available to them but my heart and soul belonged to the psychopath. Our relationship was completely insular; our private ship with no other passengers. I was on the journey of deceit.

I know now he is charismatic psychopath  and  the next chapters of my story are analogous with most others. There were a million red flags slapping me in the face, lies and obfuscations, walking on eggshells, inappropriate rage that came as quickly as it left, silent treatments, d&d... I never had experienced anything like this before...He loves me, he loves me not; denial became my shield. He was my soul mate and true love conquers all. I was in his  labyrinth and couldn't get out.

A year ago I received a phone call from a stranger. She wanted to talk to me about her boyfriend......She was the missing link .  It all finally clicked. I had no idea he was a psychopath but I knew I could take no more. I simply stopped all communication with him, no explanation, no conversation which I know now is No Contact. 

He did the typical psychopath song and dance- sent, texts, emails, etc. but I didn't budge. The OW mentioned NPD and I did enough research to confirm her thoughts.

I felt so lucky that I had escaped; I felt  liberated and empowered to finally make sense of the insensible. My friends and family welcomed me back as though I never left,  never mentioning my emotional absence. I was home!
I swept the whole experience under the rug and pretended like it never happened. 

I thought I was free from his control,  never really giving him any thought. A few months ago my friends teenage son had committed suicide. I had just seen him recently and he was being his usual goofy self. His girlfriend broke up with him and I was told  he died from a broken heart. 

The pain is impossible to describe; everyone who knew him will have a hole in their heart forever. He was a remarkable kid. The pain and suffering of his parents and siblings is overwhelming. It is just impossible to comprehend. I think somethings can be healed with time,  but not the loss of a child.

The reason I'm sharing this very personal part of my story is because I received a card from the psychopath a few days after he died. The card read, "Never Easy." I still can't believe his sick intentional level of cruelty. 

This  re-opened my nightmare of betrayal to both myself and my family. I make no excuses, I know  and knew right from wrong. I compromised my moral, my values, my family and I doubt I can ever forgive myself.

His younger brother gave the eulogy at the service. He spoke from his heart, no script. He said he had no tears left and asked us to cry for him until his reservoir  refills. He told many funny stories of the things he and his brother, his best friend, had done together. He talked about the pain he and all who loved  his brother will always feel.  He thanked everyone for coming to support him and his family. He said that he learned how important it is to ask for help, that it is a sign of strength, not weakness.  His closing words, " I will need help now from all of you and thank you in advance."  

It took the tragic loss of my friends child and the wise words of his brother that brought me to forum. I compromised my morals, my values, my family and have deep shame. I don't think I will ever forgive myself but know now it's okay to ask for help.

Thanks for listening,
Janie