For jaycee and others who were married with them for decades

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#1 Apr 13 - 9AM
jen79
jen79's picture

For jaycee and others who were married with them for decades

Just realized in madshells post.

My mom was married to my father for 24 years.

And she broke free from him, and it is now for her just some far memory, she is totally detached and over it, the only thing that sometimes still bothers her, is that she stayed too long and what infuence this also had on us.

I just wanted to let you know, my mom is a saint, and she lives a content life. She has grown and become a stronger woman, spirtual also, and she is 58 now.

There is a way out ot it, going NC, and just look forward, even after years of abuse.

Just wanted to let you know.

Apr 14 - 12PM
madashell
madashell's picture

my mum finally divorced my

my mum finally divorced my dad after 20 years of marriage.He was always having affairs and one night stands,he finally left my mum for one of these women.I don`t think she has ever got over it and she is so bitter and miserable and finds fault with the world.I don`t want to end up like her and that`s why I have been finding out as much as I can to help me understand and move on
Apr 14 - 9AM
Mell
Mell's picture

Thank you

Thank you for the encouraging words! It's nice to hear that there is hope after the divorce!
Apr 13 - 12PM
jaycee
jaycee's picture

thank you jen

thank you for those encouraging words, i often wonder if i will still be crying twenty years from now, it makes me sick to realize this is my reality and he has d and d me for the last time. sad part is im hurting, hes not, hes totally moved on, for the moment, who knows maybe this time he can live without me forever, but whatever the case, i needed some hope.....xoxo jaycee

Jaycee

Apr 13 - 10AM
victimnomore
victimnomore's picture

Than You Jen79

Than You for this post. I was married for 25 years to the N/P and we are currently divorcing. I am 7 months NC at all. I so look forward to being done with him forever and i also have grown so much spiritually and I feel so much better without him here. Thanks again. I look forward to my life without the N/P Peace!

victimnomore

Apr 13 - 9AM
Used
Used's picture

leaving

i was married for 31 years to exh, when our last child left home, i finished the marriage by telling him to go.
Apr 15 - 9PM (Reply to #7)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

GOD BLESS YOU USED!

You are unbelievable. My mother suffered my father for forty years and then he OD'd and died and left her and us nothing. You are aan amazing example of courage and you give me strength to deal with my failing 19 year marriage!
Apr 13 - 6PM (Reply to #2)
Redhead1
Redhead1's picture

I was married 20 yrs. I have

I was married 20 yrs. I have been NC 8 months. Each day, week, month gets better. Thanks for the encouragement:)
Apr 14 - 3AM (Reply to #3)
jaycee
jaycee's picture

redhead1

promise me it will get better once i am nc for good. im so scared to do it, mostly because im afraid he will stop paying the house bills, and mostly because i guess, id rather take his crumbs than nothing at all, because to be honest, its sick, but it makes me believe he cant totally love her, if he wants to be with me, as well.........crazy talk

Jaycee

Apr 14 - 6PM (Reply to #4)
Redhead1
Redhead1's picture

It will get better!! The

It will get better!! The first 5 or 6 months are traumatic. You just have to keep reading and talking. It just clicked one day, he is disordered and will never change. He doesnt think anything is wrong with him. You don't want crumbs, you just are use to getting crumbs. You need to love yourself, something I had to learn. I am not gonna lie, I want someone to live life with. My kids are 19 and 20, so they have thier own life. But I will not lower my standards again. You shouldnt either. You have got to make it about you. Once you quit worrying about him and make it about you, you see things differently. You see what he is. And he did his D&D's to leave all the scars for you. He did it intentionally. He knew he wasnt man enough for you. He wanted to destroy you because you wouldnt be controlled. He is all about him. Don't beg him, don't let him see you coming apart. It only makes him meaner. He is punishing you because he cant act right. He is stunted emotionally. You can change you. Do not allow him to do you that way. You are important!! If you don't protect yourself, nobody else is. We teach people how they can treat us. Some people fumble and do not mean to cross boundries and understand they shouldnt use people. But people like our narcs are never gona get it. Stay strong and XOXOXO.
Apr 15 - 4AM (Reply to #5)
jaycee
jaycee's picture

thanks redhead

thanks for the encouragement, i pray it gets better, i pray i can move forward and forget what he and ow are doing i pray this sick feeling stops, and most of all i pray that it wasnt me and he will d and d her and all those that follow...........i would hate to think it was me, and she will become the one........i dont think i could ever live with that, but i do know he will continue to cheat no matter what, even if he stays with her as home base........he could never be faithful, but he may enjoy her as home base because she can offer so much financially.

Jaycee

Apr 15 - 7PM (Reply to #6)
Redhead1
Redhead1's picture

Deep down to him, you were

Deep down to him, you were just good supply for him. You got nothing out of it. This is about you. You need to get when you give. Its the way things should work. You need to get some good boundries and expectations and stick to them. Its about YOU!!!! You deserve better. You need to want better for yourself. It will take time. I am approx 8 months out NC. In the last few months, it has gotten better faster. The first 6 months are horrible. I read on the board and believed what these wonderful ladies were telling me. It all came true. You have to go through the stages. Just accept the pain and grow from it. Just remember when you are hurting that time and growth will make it better. He is messed up and there is no fixing him. I read this earlier written by some smart lady "It's obvious he does not think highly of himself for him to cheat for all those years. Men with self-esteem and integrity DO NO CHEAT AND LIE! I've known men for 20+ yrs and they show me that good guys exist. They may not be happy at times in their marriage but they do not flirt, send sexually laced emails, keep women secret, and all that is "cheating" behind their wives back. They KNOW what that will do to their wife and because he respect for her, and himself, he will not do it, EVER! Remember that. Guys who respect their partner, will not intentionally hurt them" He will be the same, trust us all! XOXOXO