Jealous over exN's Success

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#1 May 19 - 10AM
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

Jealous over exN's Success

Someone please help me with this one.
A friend sent me a copy of an article in a major newspaper about the success of my exN's new venture.
I asked her to not send me anything else.

You see I planned for "our" success and the wedding, but he erased me and now I am in financial struggle, on antidepressants, and seriously pissed!

Yeah, I'm the one acting like the three year old now...NOT FAIR.
Why do these freaks get the victory and we get the short end of the stick?

I am thankful I never got beaten or verbally abused, just hypnotized, lied to, gaslighted, and completely erased with no explanation.

How do I get past this jealousy and get focused on rebuilding my life?

May 23 - 3PM
Introspection
Introspection's picture

what would make a "robot" trip?

Just once I like to see my XN look like he is not in control. It just seems like they have it together and here we are, dealing with the pain they inflicted and looking for inner peace. Where do they get all the energy to juggle several women and still work success/career into the picture? I understand your feelings and while I'm doing sooo much better nowadays, there is a part of me that still wonders what would make a "robot" trip?
May 23 - 4PM (Reply to #17)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Their programming

My friends often described my ex-N as robotic;very stiff, very formal. One of them said "I can't imagine him with a toddler" (the sad irony is that my ex-N married the OW, and they had kids, but his parents are raising them) My ex-N made a BIG DEAL about his LACK of success. He said he wasn't that good a philosopher, that he wasn't that good a teacher;he bristled whenever I praised him--especially if it was behind his back. His infamous Wittgenstein/Augustine book that he made a BIG DEAL about (and smeared me on account of it) had the deadline of when the class of 2010 were freshman. Never materialized. The only way to "mess" with a robot's programming is to tell them they're lying, and not follow their script, or so it seems. At the most, it causes narcissistic injury (but no deep emotional wounds) My ex-N couldn't stand it that I didn't follow his "script."
May 23 - 6PM (Reply to #18)
Introspection
Introspection's picture

Thank you Susan...must be fun to see him trip :-)

I've called him a liar to his face many times but it doesn't seem to face him so this is not effective with him. He denies ever lying and I'll never make him admit it so I recently quit my accusations. Nothing seems to rattle his cage, when he asked me to hang-out and I turned him down (no problem); when he offered to help me whenever he hears that I am having any type problem i.e. car, assignments, etc and I've turned him down (no problem); everything that I've asked him to do...he does. Recently I asked him to not talk to me unless it was work related...he does. Very robotic and in a way, good for me because it helps me while I find a way to get lost and finally go NC. Hence my statement that just once I like to see my XN trip?
May 21 - 9PM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

They never succeed NEVER. He

They never succeed NEVER. He might be doing ok for the moment but it won't last. I felt the same way you are feeling now and a few year later my ex ended up a loser. Remember this as it always proves true: An abuser and a user is always a loser. Narcissists never end up winners. I can understand your pain but you were planning a win with a loser now it is time for you to plan a win for yourself or with another winner. You will see in the future this man will be in trouble and you will be fine.
May 21 - 7AM
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

What is your definition of success?

In all their $$$$ success what have they really accomplished? What REAL things in their lives have they achieved that they can personally be admired for? Have they donated money to underpriviledged? Have they done anything to truly help anybody else without a plan to get something back or exploit? Remember all their beautiful homes, and expensive toys dont mean the same thing as it would mean to us, its all there for image and props to make him look good, otherwise they could care less. Its there to make a statement, Hey look at what I got, 1/2 mil dollar home, 100k boat, (comes in real handy too for keeping their steady supplies around and impressing future victims) True success is not measured by what you have but by what we do in our lives that made us into wise, and men of good character. Like my father once said the only thing we take with us when we die is what we gave to the world, and that is how people will remember us, what we gave of our heart and of ourselves to others. I really doubt when my psychpath dies the minister will stand up and say, so and so was really rich, look at the home he had and the boat and the job he had. People leave funerals usuallly saying, things like what a great man he was, I will never forget all he did for me and how much he cared for me, they wont be talking about his home or boat thats for sure, they will be talking about the MAN, so remember that when you feel you are struggling and he is sitting on a throne of money sipping umbrella drinks in the tropics. You will be the one much more admired and remembered. I was once mad as hell at what he had, and the position he left me in - who care what he has he wont share it anyway like a normal man would with anyone, he just uses it to impress entice and lure others, its a front, all apart of the fraud he is, so he is a rich psychopath making him even more dangerous. It taught me something money will not make you happy, I would hate to be his gf locked up in his mansion and controlled and brainwashed and living with a rich disturbed person, NO THANKS YOU I am content living in my nice little home and my beautiful garden, away from such evil.
May 19 - 11PM
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

jealous of ....

What you are feeling is a normal reaction,mine ex N has a shity job,no money ,3 children he only sees when he brings his ex child support,no friends,only internet,gaming porn and chatrooms....i am ashamed to say but i am also jealous of him in a way because in his mind he THINKS he made it...he feels sexy,important and powerful...but the reality is a totally different one....that is what we have to put our minds on Reality...and the reality is they are their worst enemy and that will catch with them,one way or another...even if they believe they are the King OF the world,they are NOT...NERO had the roman empire and he lost it all...because he was a madman,and evil and delusional...Don't forget,they all are ...They will go down.even if they don't recognize they are...Be strong...

Aceonelady

May 19 - 5PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

That's terrible

That's called adding insult to injury. What sort of "friend" would do that to you? Terrible... people are thoughtless...
May 19 - 6PM (Reply to #9)
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

This isn't one of those type of friends

I know she regretted it as soon as she sent it. She won't do it again. If she reads they file bankruptcy or the establishment was torched for insurance money, she's welcome to send me the article. Doing my best to believe God/The Universe knows more than I do and can see much farther down the line. No matter how successful they are right now, I am choosing to believe God knows that life was not for me. It is hard because I still think quite often that was supposed to be my life and it got ripped out from under me. Time to put on my superhero clothes and battle on! Just wanna say F*CK Y*U to my exSpath/Narc and his family : ) and THANK YOU to all the wonderful soul-filled,compassionate,people on this board.
May 20 - 5PM (Reply to #10)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

At least she had regrets

It's good she repented of having it hurt you that way... shows she's HUMAN and didn't get any jollies out of it. May God bless you!
May 20 - 6PM (Reply to #11)
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

Susan32

May God Bless you too, Susan!
May 20 - 6PM (Reply to #12)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

On another note...

I've been with a therapist lately sorting over these issues. Just trying to make sense of it. Don't want to take this thread off the rails.
May 19 - 1PM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

why

Why is this 'friend' sending you crap about your ex??? Glad you told her not to send you anything else, and I wouldn't consider someone like this a friend to be honest...there is NO reason to do this. Many N's are sucessful in their careers, and many are that way because they claw their way to the top by unscrupulous means. There is no merit in achieving something that is ill-gotten. N's work tirelessly to preserve their image, obtain possessions...it's something they must do to survive, as opposed to doing something in life that makes you truly happy and that is fulfilling. N's are only trying to 'fill up' a void. Appearances are one thing, reality is a whole other story...if you focus on that, and hopefully, it will help you feel better.
May 19 - 11PM (Reply to #7)
wallaby (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

HIt and Run

Quietude is right - you do need to think about people who send you things like this about your ex-N - not to make you paranoid - but right now you are vulnerable and the last thing you need are people who don't really grasp the pain you are going through (or passively-aggresssively undermine you). With my Ex N people who have no idea what went on between us the last two years frequently send me articles from the paper and links on what he is doing and I don't say anything but "thanks" and promptly delete them or throw them away. If someone who KNOWS what I went through does this I make it clear in no uncertain terms that I don't want info on him. My mother, who has significant N traits herself and wishes my N were her son in law as he is a literary celeb of sorts (not as big as he thinks he is)- called me the other night to tell me to turn on the TV as he was on TV being interviewed. PISSED ME OFF as I have explicitly told her I don't want to talk or hear about him. She was drunk so may have aided her "forgetting", but it is exactly this kind of thing- like if I were to watch the interview -that really triggers anxiety and depression for me.
May 19 - 11AM
GIJ
GIJ's picture

I'm sorry hitandrun

No, it's not fair. I can see how you would feel that way. Being used and hurt in anyway, then left on the roadside never feels great. I'm sure I'll be facing the same thing at some point. in fact, my finances have been better. I'm po'd too. There is a part of me that will pick up and be me. I can still have the life I want and so can you. It's not fair at all that we have to do double time...recover and move on. I have hope we can all do it. But I have to ask...is this real success? Sustainable? Is his current team / signif other about to go through what you did? Would you really want to go through it again? The merry-go-round? Constant wondering if you are in or out...games, harshness? Insanity? My strategy is to focus on me and my needs knowing that my narc is building his life and business on shifting sand. Any successes he has had has fallen away, over and over again. He keeps screwing people left and right....he always finds fresh meat to abuse. His success is temporary and rarely lasting. I want no part of it because I see it for what it is...false, fake, evil. He hurts people - why would I want to associate with that? He's hurt me! One thing I do is focus on being the opposite of jealous - and that is being grateful for what I do have....an opportunity to be rid of the insanity. A life of stability. A life where I make my decisions. A life that is real. And yes - a life where I will have to work hard...I can set my own pace. What do you see in your future for you? What can you visualize for you? What are you most grateful for post narc?
May 20 - 10PM (Reply to #5)
TexN (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

CIJ

Awesome advice! N/P's might seem to get ahead at the time being but they never really STAY ahead! Things will fall apart for them at some point. You can only use and abuse people for so long before it catches up to them. Yes, they will find new supply & start living it up again but with no meaning, no depth, no history! Its like starting their lives from scratch again...
May 19 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

Thank you

I am in a space where I am not sure what I am grateful for and have no new vision. Hoping to pull myself out of self pity soon. Thank you for the encouraging words.
May 19 - 10AM
azucar
azucar's picture

thats a tough one

My x-n is about to go on a prestigious international jazz festival tour, and I was originally supposed to go with him, he's a musician adn vocalist. When we got together, he said he had put all of those dreams of glory behind him, that he wanted to settle down and start a family. He had not even beem seriously playing music for about 5 years. Once we got together, he made a new group of freinds that includede him as a guest on some of thier projects. I encouraged him and never worried that he would be tempted togo back into the whole groupie party scene, after all he was now 37-38 and he said he was past that. Coinidentally just as soon as he signed on for the tour, and there have been so many articles about it in the newspaper and online! he dumped me. I guess having a loving girlfriend at home is not what he wants anymore, rather all the girls he can get his hands on that he feels entitled to as a musician on stage. I saw his Match page and he has written it so that is sounds like he has been traveling as a musician for a while, when I know he hasn't even been out on the road with them yet! Its because he is repainting himslef in a new way so that the new women in his life will percieve him as a such, a new fantasy. The way I get past it is this: not matter how much success he has on paper, he is and always will be shitty sub-human, and he doesnt even KNOW it. He just turned 38 years old and acts like a child. I would not want to change places with him. I am hurt and in pain now, but at least I have a soul. Therapy has really helped to. Just focus on you, and all of the good things about you.
May 19 - 8PM (Reply to #2)
ACgirl
ACgirl's picture

You have to be thankful you got away

I know it's difficult when you are hurting. I still hurt, but I am thankful that I have finally seen the light. It doesn't matter at all what he is doing because any woman he comes into contact with will suffer because these men never change. I believe in God and I believe that he will stumble and fall. If you look at history, and I do, all evil does fall down. It may take a little longer with some people, but in the end, evil always does itself in. But what is really important is YOU. You got free of him. Be grateful for that. Honestly, God knows what could have happened to you if he would have stayed longer. He is a Narc. Be thankful he got away from you. Enjoy your life. You have it back!!