Just wondering?

I told the Xn he was NPD, it was P O I N T L E S S! He just seduced the therapist to see it HIS WAY, and made me look like a lunatic with crazy notions. There is no point, they can not be helped, unless the seek it and that is probably a cold day in hell. And I have read there really is NO CURE. I even looked at him and told him that MAYBE after many years of psychotherapy, MAYBE he could be a wonderful man, his eyes stared coldly at me, and he didnt say a word. They are reptilian cold hearted bastards, and we just care WAY too much, "I know the feeling of wanting to "fix" or "help" him, but honestly we can NOT UN-do these broken people. they are broken souls, and it happened to them maybe at childhood. We never stood a chance. Help people that WANT to be healped. Love people that WANT TO BE LOVED. Time to move on to healthier people. Time to be a little more selfish. Time to just not give a f*ck. Time to heal OURSELVES. I know its easy for me to say, at my weakest moments, I pray for his sorry soul. with REAl love/ SG

My experience with the N went like this... I foolishly broke NC abut a month ago, thinking letting him know that a reconciliation was not possible would make the train wreck finally go away. In what seemed to be a very lucid, honest, compassionate conversation...where I asserted boundaries and he just deferred to them...which was an incredible testimony to his dramatic acting, btw...I very carefully made the suggestion that he might have NPD...and he responded to that, actually giving it some consideration before saying he was just stressed and depressed, overworked, whatever. Nearly two hours after that conversation ended, I received an email from him saying.... "about the NPd, I am a bit too humble to meet the criteria, perhaps somewhere in between". I kid you not, he said this. He must've gone off and Google it, and decided it didn't apply to him. And this is a man I knew...or perhaps I should say....whose behavior I observed, because who really knows a N...for six years. Clear, convincing concrete evidence of his NPD beyond the shadow of any doubt, and he's telling me he's "a bit too humble" to have NPD. My response, after puzzling over the irony of his response, was simply to email him back and tell him to find out what "narcissistic supply" is. His quick response to that was "Ugh! I don't want to know how fucked up I am. I do know that I miss you." And thankfully I did not respond to that, however it did give him the feeling of having his foot back in the door and so I am dealing with Hoovers again. My thought on this, from my own experience, is it is a waste of time to tell them, and probably not the most compassionate thing for a compassionate person to do. If someone has a pathological disorder that is incurable, why tell them? It is not my place to "diagnose" someone else...my job is taking care of me, and all I know is it hurt to be tangled up with this person, and it hurt bad! I am not responsible to transform my pain and suffering into one last act of giving to him, in a pointless attempt to "heal" him. He doesn't want to know, he doesn't want to grow, he doesn't want to do anything that might require effort on his part and these items are dealbreakers for me. As for me...I know now what I didn't,t know at that time...they will never accept that its their fqult or that they are messed up...they have to believe in their perfect and "misunderstood" false self, the illusion, the mask. Its never them, its always going to be you that had the problem. They rewrite history as needed, to erase anything that might point responsibility their way,a dnthey will continue to behave this way for the rest of their lives...because they are pathological, unfixable, untreatable, disordered and just plain broken. So dnt waste your time enlightening them, they didn't ask to be enlightened and don't want to be. Its not our place to do that, and in some way, it is not entirely compassionate for us to be "helpful", it is pointing out to them twt they are not right and asking them to change. They don't want to change and perhaps its because they know they can't change. Leave them be. You have free will and so does the N. People who want to grow and change and improve, will. People who don't, won't. Save your energy and save yourself the bad karma of trying to "change" another person, and accept the N simply is what he is, and walk away. On second thought, don't walk away...run away!

I struggled with this same thought for a long time (still do). I though if I could just get him to see his problem maybe we could make it work... NOT! they don't listen. I never flat out mentioned narcissism because I did not know what it meant then. I have said things like, you need help; what is wrong with you?; do you really think it's me causing these problems or do you see you have issues? Of course silence everytime. They do not comprehend anything that says they are wrong and how they treat you is wrong... You would get the same results if you said it to the wall....

NEVER, EVER tried to tell them they are disordered. No telling how they would react, but never favorably, I can assure you. Think about it, what good can come from someone telling you something negative about you? A normal person can barely handle it, let alone the disordered. It's like trying to tell a lion, he is not "King of the Jungle" Would you attempt that? I didn't think so............. Best to stay NC. You can't help him, no one can....sorry.

Its a bad Idea, 1. You are making contact 2. hes a Narc.. Hes perfect.. He Doesn't have a probelm. 3 months of NC .. Im curious, what have you been doing to heal?? Reading, Thearpy, ??? Hunter

bkly, this comes up often here. There is one HUGE reason right off the bat you shouldn't waste your time trying to "enlighten" him about the disorder: IT WOULD BE BREAKING NC AND GIVING HIM SUPPLY. REMEMBER, EVEN NEGATIVE SUPPLY IS SUPPLY. He would know you are still thinking/ruminating/worrying/etc. about him and whatever the hell he's up to. Secondly, Narcissists rarely believe there is anything wrong with them. You will be construed as the "crazy ex" and the one with the problem. It will turn back on you and make your head spin. You will get nothing from it and it will mean NOTHING to him because Narcissists do not believe they have a problem at all. Perhaps most importantly, "fixing him" or "helping him" is not your job. He is not your problem. He LOST the priviledge of getting any help or caring from you when he choose to treat you poorly and lie and manipulate. You owe him nothing and HE CANNOT BE FIXED. I hope this helps, dear bkly. My advice (based on experience and seeing this on the board time and again) is nothing good for you will come of contacting him with narcissism information. At the very least, it is arming the beast...not that he'd think it would apply to him anyhow. Most sincerely, (determined to never again be) spinning. AND TO FOREVER BE NO CONTACT!