Kadhiroli's Story...

In brief, as I am not sure I am ready to put this down in writing... we met in July 2010 through work. I fancied him, we flirted and I started working for him (I run a business that helps people keep their homes and gardens in order - I did his cleaning once a fortnight). Our first date was in October 2010, and can say it was the most amazing date I have ever had in my life. Thrown into a full on relationship, spending every waking moment together, it lasted about 4 weeks, until I grew so totally exhausted due to lack of sleep/rest (he snored really badly), I fell apart and needed to have some time sleeping in my own home, on my own. This was it looking back... He then gave me my first experience of the cold shoulder/silent treatment... it lasted until January 2011, when I went against my gut instinct following some contact and got back with him. That lasted six weeks, of which were very up and very down... the abuse had started, and I couldn't understand what on earth was going on, and despite how ever hard I tried, I couldn't make him happy. We split, I ignored his calls and requests for a dinner date later on, and depsite stopping his cleaning, I gave in to his requests and started working for him again after about a month, but didn't reform the relationship. I fell apart, my life didn't feel worth living. i planned my 'get out' from the world, put my life, home etc in order, so as I could leave if I felt I couldn't take any more. Six months passed. A dear friend who had been supporting me so well went on holiday for two weeks, and in the two weeks I fell back into his arms. It was worse than ever, but I felt 'off the shelf' and dearly needed someone to be there for me as I was such a total mess. I visited the 'Dog House' more often than I didn't, and as much as I tried to understand what I had done so wrong to be out there, I really could never get to the bottom of it, so time would pass and it would be brushed under the carpet once more. Things would be ok for a week or so, then I would become invisable, and only through becoming so totally distraught with the situation would he slightly imerge from his shell, but only very briefly, and would never be close. This went on until our holiday in March 2012, when after the third day it finally ended. He became violent, and to me, he had crossed the line. I called the police when I got home after the holiday and reported him. That was me crossing his line. I sort of hope that is it, but it's heart fighting head at the mnoment. He of course denied his violent out burst at first, it was then all my fault and it needed to be done, and he even sent me the bill for the damage for the apartment which he had done by throwing me through furniture held by my throat like a rag doll. I think I miss him, but I am trying each day to talk sense into myself, and after our last chat, my attempt at closure a couple of weeks ago, where by he insisted I had a split personality disorder and everything possible that could go with it, I decided enough was enough and sought professional help, as I was doubting and not trusting myself. I am having counselling now. It's early days, but I am really hoping it will keep me on the straight and narrow. Of course I am only remembering the good times, albeit only very few of them, and who's to know whether they were real or not?!? I can not though, forget the rage and that he became so very violent on what was supposed to be our first holiday together. I will never forget that, and hopefully, never allow myself to forgive him for it, no matter how much he denies it, or however much he seems to think it was acceptable, and is now mkaing up stories to justify what he did to me.

Thank you for being there, I have learnt so very much in such a short space of time, thank you xx