Keeping the heart in line with the head

ReadIng the "what if he's right post" struck me hard. Why? Because he would complain about my behavior and if I texted but then I watched as he behaved like he loved the OW. (For three weeks)

Sure. He screwed two other women and then we spent a weekend together before he went to jail. Yes he swore he loved me and I was the one. And yes he answered her texts immediately. I also watched as he lied to her about not being with me.

He swore he would tell her I was the one. By then I didn't really want to be but I went along. Then at the last moment he said it was her. She was a better person than me and he loved (not in love though because he loves those word games) her.

This is my sticking point. He said I was crazy and sometimes I acted like I was. I watched him be nice to her and talk as though maybe something WAS there.

I know logically that ain't love. (And that the whole situation was nuts) I know logically I saw him do the same thing with the baby mama and me telling her I was the nice one to try to change her behavior. But then I think maybe he was right about me and did love both of them -- just not me.

I've been doing so great and suddenly last night it hit me again. Maybe he does love her and he was just an alcoholic who was using at the time and I acted like a lunatic so I'm somehow defective.

I realize this is basic step one stuff and that something has triggered this thinking in my head. He's a PsychoNarc isn't he? There's no chance it's just the alcohol and he actually is capable of love and it just ain't me?

Not sure why I'm having a hard day with this today.

Grace