Finally going to share my story...it's a long one.
I haven't been here long, and I'm not crazy about reliving this, but, I'm trying to break away from him and I'm hoping this will help.
First of all, I want to say that we met online, and are very long distance...he's Canadian, I'm American. I know some may dismiss it for that, but believe me, it doesn't lessen the emotion. If anything, the fact that the programming was in black and white is almost more powerful...I have an almost photographic memory so the words stick in my head for a very long time.
So, here goes...
It was January 28, 2009. I was married, but we were in the process of separating, and only living as roommates. I play MMO games, which is where I had met my current LDR boyfriend. But things weren't going well because after a year, he had no plans for us to meet or anything, and I need that in order to stay in an LDR.
So along comes "Jay". Somehow, he senses that I'm unhappy, and as so many others have said, he sweeps me off my feet. The very first night we met in the game, somehow, he knew the right things to say...that first night, he was telling me he'd never felt like this before, that he thought he had fallen in love.
I fell for it, hook line and sinker. He is VERY intelligent and apparently, VERY perceptive. For the next month, we exchanged emails that would have made Romeo himself proud. I was his twin soul, he could never see life without me, I was irreplaceable, my current boyfriend didn't deserve me, and so on. I fell in love hard and fast.
I finally dumped my other LDR and Jay and I started an exclusive relationship. I was happier than a pig in slop.
About a month later, I made a very harmless joke about Canadians, one that every other Canadian I mentioned it to thought was funny...Jay didn't. He flipped his lid, and broke up with me viciously (Breakup #1).
Three weeks later, he replaced me with another girl he had met in the game, one who lived much closer to him. That should have been a HUGE red flag, in hindsight...I was irreplaceable, but apparently, easily replaced.
Mere weeks after hooking up with her, he was sniffing at my door again, wanting to cyber-cheat behind her back. Stupidly I agreed, thinking that he must not care about her that much if he already wanted me back.
So for the next 3 months, we cybered frequently, but with a lot of "angst" on his part about what he was doing to her and how he could never have me, and as much as he -wanted- to be with me, he didn't want to hurt her.
Then, in July, she dumped him, citing the distance and that she had met someone else. Almost immediately, he wanted me back exclusively..and like an idiot, I agreed.
The next few months were hectic. He would give me permission to hang out with my ex in the game for quest purposes, then freak out and say I was hanging out with him constantly and dump me (Breakups #2 and 3).
Finally in October, I had a chance to go to Canada and meet him. It was awesomeness. We connected immediately, with no awkwardness, and had a fantastic time. For several months after my return, things were ideal. The honeymoon phase, all over again.
Then around the first of the year, 2010, he started hanging out more with other females in the game. Being the jealous type, this didn't go over well with me. I complained about it, and he said he would stop, because after all, "I was enough woman for him".
Over the next few months, though, his contact started becoming more sporadic. Not hugely so, but instead of writing me every single day, there started becoming days where I didn't hear from him at all. I was becoming highly stressed, because in my heart, I knew this wasn't right...but, I stayed.
Then, around May '10, he started telling me that he was GOING to flirt, whether I liked it or not. At first I was OK with it, because I was thinking of harmless flirting...nope. HIS idea of flirting was extremely sexual, as in, "Is your p*ssy shaved". I bitched more and more, and finally, in June, he dumped me yet again, for a female he had met in the game (Breakup #4).
I was devastated, but tried to keep my distance. At this point, I wasn't sure of anything. He had been extremely emotionally abusive, telling me on Skype over and over that I was a "f*cking retard", berating me endlessly for every mistake, saying that he could barely tolerate talking to me...I didn't want to anger him more and push him away.
After two weeks, apparently, she started ignoring him after saying she had only been using him for game quests, which hurt his ego immensely...so of course, he came back to me and asked to get back together. I happily agreed.
However, it wasn't the same. The level of affection wasn't there. The emotional abuse was just as bad as ever. I couldn't do ANYTHING right. Unlike many other Narcs, he also wanted ME to flirt constantly with other men, and tell him about it because it turned him on. But my heart was with him...I couldn't do it.
Finally, in early August '10, he dumped me again, saying I was just too f*cking annoying and he couldn't handle it anymore (Breakup #5).
That was the beginning of what will undoubtedly be one of the worst periods of my life, but thank god it is past now.
At first he wanted nothing to do with me, but I persisted, writing him constantly and begging for his attention. Finally he relented and started talking to me again, but saying constantly that I was in his past, that we would never be together again. I was just happy to be in his life.
In October '10, just when I thought I was finally getting through to him, he found online 3D chat rooms...and oh dear god, he found what I know now was an ENDLESS supply.
That's when he started treating me like crap again.
I even confronted one of his "girls", whom I'll just call "Nor". She was a nasty, unpleasant woman, with an attitude of "I'll kick everyone's a$$ who looks at me the wrong way". I couldn't understand why he would want her over me, who is kind, compassionate, friendly, loyal, and loving. I thought if I just kept showing him love, he would want me back.
Not so. In December '10, he finally told me to get lost, he wanted nothing to do with me, and to move on.
So you know what? I did. I sent him a message telling him that he was a loser, and, I started moving on.
But I won't lie...the next few months were pure hell for me. The thought of them being happy together, that she somehow did something for him that my love didn't...I hated it, I hated waking up in the morning and facing another day, I hated everything. I stayed in bed whenever possible, I refused to interact with anyone, and just generally sank into a miserable depression. I blamed myself for not being enough for him, for not being able to keep him happy.
However, one night, I did lose it and wrote him an email chewing him out for everything, calling him every name in the book, and hitting every nerve that I could. Then I walked away.
By February '11, I was starting to come out of it. I was starting to move on with my life, and accept that I couldn't make him happy, that I had done everything I could.
Then, on February 17, 2011, while I was minding my own business one night, the AIM window popped up...it was him, asking how I was doing, saying he had been thinking about me...he told me that his cruel behavior had been his way of "testing" me, to see how strong I was, to see how much I could take. And now, he saw by my angry message that I was a strong woman, and he wanted me back.
I asked him whatever happened to Nor, and he said she had dumped him. Now I realize that this was the reason he had come back to me...for a familiar supply. But I didn't know anything about narcissists, like I do now. I ignored my common sense, and agreed to get back together.
It's sad now how happy I was...for the next 2 days, I cried tears of joy...what I had been wanting so badly for 6 months had finally come true. I reveled in being with him again, in his loving, affectionate messages on a daily basis. Somehow, I knew subconsciously that it woudlnt' last, so I enjoyed every moment while I had it.
And, to be fair, the next 7 months were actually pretty good. We had some weird times of him disappearing for several days at a time, and acting cold, but I chalked it up to him just being him. Overall, I was pretty happy.
Then, in September '11, I was bored and looked up a live game stream feed of him playing one of his favorite video games. I watched it while I watched TV, and then I saw it...a moment where he clicked between windows, and there was a picture of a woman on his desktop. She had her chin resting on her hands, and was smiling up at the camera with an expression that could only be expressed as love.
I felt like I'd been punched...he had agreed, as he always had, to be totally monogamous to me, to not cheat on me...but this was obviously something more than just some desktop wallpaper.
So I confronted him...he told me that it was a girl who used to have a crush on him back in the game we played, whom he thought was "hot" but had never had anything to do with. I knew from knowing her that this was true, but still...why have her picture up? Still, against my better judgment, I bought his explanation that he just liked to look at all women, and tried to forget it.
But I never really did, I admit. So I began to watch him more carefully.
Then, in November '11, I finally got paranoid enough to create a dummy Facebook account and check out his wall.
There he was, posting on another woman's wall..."I love you too, beautiful....SO hot..."
"This is my hot, freaky woman...raise your hand if you love your freaky woman!"
When I checked out her profile, I saw that SHE was the woman on his desktop, not the other girl from the game. And I knew, I'd been being cheated on for months.
I confronted him on Skype. He dumped me on the spot, admitting that he had been back with her almost the entire time we had been back together, and claiming he'd been "going" to dump me around the first of the year, anyhow (Breakup #6)
Yeah, right...he had a double supply! He wasn't planning on dumping anyone.
So he ignored me for a few days...but like an idiot, when he came back around, I let him back in. I agreed to let him have his other long-distance girlfriend (she also lives in the U.S.), but I wasn't happy. I actually tried several times to walk away, leaving him Rage Messages that were designed to hurt.
He would simply wait a few days until I had calmed down, then write and basically say, "Do you stand by what you said? Do you TRULY want me out of your life?" Of course, being the brainwashed moron that I am, I said no, so I continued accepting his crumbs.
In January, I came into some money and had a chance to go spend some time with him again in Canada...and I won't lie, it was an amazing time. He was sweet and affectionate and wonderful, taking me out to dinner, stroking my hair with my head on his lap...they are memories I will always cherish.
But soon after I returned, the D&D process started again. He started getting cooler towards me, going days without contact.
At the end of January, he got hit with a financial crisis that caused a major upheaval in his life. I told him I would support him through it, no matter what...and when he started being colder, I just thought it was because of what was going on in his life. Even known everything I knew, I STILL tried to give him the benefit of the doubt.
I didn't hear from him on Valentine's Day, which hurt.
Then at the end of February, when he had told me that he was probably going to have to move into a homeless shelter but he would keep me posted, I didn't hear from him between the 23rd and the 29th...which is when I "stalked" him online and found him on a "meat market" website...he had been on there very single day for days, including V-Day, sending hugs and kisses and teases to women he barely knew, but he hadn't taken even 5 f*cking minutes to let me know how he was doing.
I rather lost it, and demanded an apology for the crappy way he had been treating me. He refused, of course, saying he had "needed space" from me.
Believe it or not, I STILL tried to give him the benefit of the doubt...until the other night, when I checked his FB page and saw that he'd downloaded the Blackberry Mobile app, meaning that he apparently now has managed to buy an expensive cell phone even though supposedly, 80% of his wages are being garnished and he's so broke he had to move back into his parents' house.
So, I wrote an email telling him that I was TIRED of the way I was being treated, and that when he was ready to treat me with the courtesy, respect, and dignity that I deserved, he knew where to find me.
Of course I know that isn't going to happen...he's going to wait until he thinks I've cooled down, and then pretend nothing has happened.
My real purpose for writing that email was to get some space for ME. I know damn well that I need to escape this train wreck of a relationship, and when I don't hear from him for a period of time,I start thinking more clearly. So now, I'm using this time to read through this site, see what others have gone through, and start preparing myself for going FULL NC...because that's the only thing that is going to save me from wasting any more time on this piece of human garbage.
If you made it this far, I thank you. Somehow, getting this out is very therapeutic, in an embarrassing way...I cannot believe I have been putting up with this for 3 years and 2 months today...