leslieisback's story

Will the hurt go away

A friend of mine put my profile on a dating website (I am a very shy person) because he thought I needed “someone”, where I met exN. We emailed and I knew right away that he would end up breaking my heart, which he has multiple times. At first it was great. We liked the same things and had similar interests,we talked for hours at a time. I had never felt so connected to someone. My heart pounded just thinking about him. I couldn't wait to hear from him again. He was very attentive and we talked every minute we could. One day it must have been a month or so after we met he said he had a birthday party to go to and he would talk to me the next day. My friend had a MySpace account and she looked him up and found him. It was a bit weird. Mostly, girls and very suggestive posts. I was only 20 and very young and naive. I didn't hear from him until next evening and I was feeling a bit insecure. My friend went to his MySpace account again and there was a new picture of him in bed with 2 girls! We were texting and I questioned him about it. Immediately the page went down. He said it was an old picture, and it wasn't him. Can you believe I didn't leave right then? We were engaged shortly after that. That was when things started to get more strange. He started telling me that I had "issues" and I should let him take care of me and tell me what to do so I don't do something "silly". I have to tell you I am very intelligent at that time I had 2 associate degrees and working on my RN. I just fell for his lies. Time just went by I ended up living in a house on the end of a dirt road with no car. I had to walk 10 miles to a store. I am very fit and love to run and I can do 20 miles several times a week, so it didn't bother me that much. He didn't want to me buy a car, because he didn't want me to "get hurt". I basically lived like a pauper even though I had an inheritance. He didn't want me to spend it foolishly. He wanted me to let him invest it. At least I was smart enough not to hand it over. We were engaged for 5 years. I felt he always lied to me and was cheating, but always denied it (don’t they all?) So, I broke up with him, but was/am still in love with him. We were "friends" but he always alluded to getting back together, so I stayed. I keep falling for Brian’s lies. I have on multiple occasions during the last 12 months told my exN “Bye, I know you have some else, have a nice life”, but he has always told me “don’t worry, there is no one else! I am all alone, it’s just me”, again WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME! When I know damn well he is lying! So, I have been stuck in limbo, not moving on, waiting for him! My heart would just break all the time. He would text multiple times some days and then go days without any. Just hot and cold.He would tell me that he needed money for new tires or a new watch and I would just give him a check. He lost several jobs while we were together and had multiple traffic tickets and say he didn't have any money, so I sent him more money. In November, he started boot camp. He wanted to meet me a day or two before he left and we made plans to meet, but I got a bad feeling that he just wanted sex, so I made an excuse and didn't meet him. He said he would write, but I never received a letter. He came home for Christmas break. It was a month since I had talked with him and I was feeling like maybe it was finally over and I was relieved. Silly me he texted me a day after he got home. My heart just sank when I saw his text. The pain just came back. He would text for a little and not again for a few days. His birthday is just before Christmas and I was so tempted to say Happy Birthday, but I didn't. I always waited for him to text first. He ended up texting me on his birthday and said he was at a "stupid party". I wished him happy birthday. I didn't hear from him again for a few days when it was time for him to go back to boot camp, he gave me his address and told me to write. I asked if his girlfriend would mind, he said "I have no one I am alone". He left for boot camp I was making a card for him. I water painted a picture on a card and the kids(adopted daughter and my son was from a rape, exN wanted me to "get rid of it" but he is the light of my life) put stickers on them then I would write a silly poem inside. So, on January 6th I was making a card and I had written a check to send to him also, when his wife called and asked why I call and text her husband. Needless to say, I cut the ABA and account numbers off the check and included it in the card,instead of a poem, a piece of my mind. I tore up his address, so I can’t write to him again. I still don’t know why I am so stupid! I am so sorry and feel so embarrassed to have fallen for his lies, over and over again! His wife and I talked on the phone for hours. Seems like I wasn't the only one, his computer full of nude pictures and his facebook full of inappropriate messages. His wife told me they were just married on his BIRTHDAY!! (READ ABOVE AT A STUPID PARTY)
He has been in my life now for 7 years and I do still miss him, even if just a friendship. Again, maybe it is brain damage!?!? I told her about his lies and she knows he has lied to her but she "believes in the sanctity of marriage" and wouldn't leave him. He is the man of her dreams. She and I were still texting when he texted me from boot camp saying "I am not married! I don't know where you got that impression!" That is that last thing he has said to me. I told his wife what he said. It has been 2 weeks with NC. I am on anti depressants and feel like a nervous wreck. I don't want to talk to him again, but at the same time I want to hear from him again just to know that I meant something. How will I get over the pain I feel?