Letting go and what it means...

I've been struggling to let go of my exN. He's not a prize, like I'm sure many of you on here can relate, but in my head, I've some how not been able to connect my head and my heart around that topic.

So I've been trying to focus on "why?", what is it that is keeping me from letting him go? I was talking to someone yesterday and realized letting him go means I'm letting go of all the dreams I had for my future. I spent 7 years with this man, hoping for that next stage in our relationship, in our lives together, and it never happened. He's moved away, like we said we wanted to do together, and I'm stuck in the exact same spot. Yet, I can't seem to let go. I've also started to realize that by letting him go, I feel like I'm letting go of the one person I thought that really loved me. And if he didn't really love me, then what does that say about me? I realize the more I think about it that I put so much of my value onto what he said, thought, how he treated me. If he thinks I'm not worth his time and only cause him pain at this point, what does it say about the person I am? I also feel like I've always been the person who "fixes" everything in my life. And I can't "fix" this situation. After he cheated with the OW, I did a few things that he said caused him more harm than I ever imagined and that it completely defines who he is today. BS, I know. But I spent the past year and half trying to show him that I did that out of hurt, anger, and that I did love him. It didn't matter. In the end, he said "I know you love me and you've done so much to show me you love me, but I just can't get over the past." So somehow I feel like a failure and like I hurt him in away that I didn't intend and can't fix.

I'm babbling on, but I started to write down some of these things this morning because I'm struggling. I've been NC for almost a month next week. And he hasn't even attempted to contact me during that time. Which I know is good, but because I've put all these values onto his wanting me, I feel even more worthless than I did with getting the crumbs from him. I don't know why I can't see in myself what others see in me -- a loving, beautiful, successful, smart, funny person. Everyone tells me he's the one missing out, but I don't see it. I know this is my challenge, to see the me that everyone else does. Maybe then I can really let go.

BB