A list of things wish I could say...

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#1 Dec 20 - 8AM
marigold
marigold's picture

A list of things wish I could say...

...but it wouldn't make any differece if I did because you never really heard what I said. You only believed what you wanted to believe about me.

1) You didn't have to say it would be OK with you if you didn't see me for a month. That was hurtful and unnecessary. I understood what you were telling me without hearing that.

2) It seemed like you were a little depressed last weekend and I kind of feel like I deserted you when you needed someone. That wasn't my intention.

3) I thought things were finally turning around for me. I thought I found someone who could possibly love me and to keep me company. I thought I was done with being alone.

4) You could have said you'd miss me too or that you'd enjoyed spending time with me or something instead if "I would say the same to you." It would have been nice to know I had meant something to you.

5) I'm sorry you never got a chance to really get to know me. This is partly my fault for holding back. I'll always regret that.

6) On the other hand there were times that I tried to talk about things that were important to me and you just didn't seem interested. I stopped bringing some things up because of that.

7) We should have gone out more. I loved sitting on the couch watching movies with you, but we should have gone out and done more. I wish I'd watched a movie in a theater with you, gone on more double dates. I wish I'd just walked around with you holding my hand. I even had a list of things we could have done together.

8) I'm angry at you for making me fall for you by being so wonderful and then taking it all away. I was blindsided and I'm still not sure I understand how it happened. I don't know how you could have been as into me as you seemed to be and then just give up. I think you were very careless with my heart.

9) I know I was emotional that last Saturday night, but everyone gets emotional sometimes (at least women do). I'm not overly emotional all of the time. I handled everything very well since the incident at the end of September. Yes, I should have talked to you sooner and not bottled it up and then dumped it all at once, but I think you overreacted by calling it drama. That was not drama.

10) You said once you didn't know how any relationship lasts. You work at it and don't give up so easy.

11) That night at the ???: I thought we had moved past that but I guess I was wrong. You didn't invite me to go with you on Halloween (at the ???) because of it. I know you said it was because of what you had to deal with in relationships in the past and I don't think that was fair to me. I am only me. I shouldn't have to pay for what people did to you in the past. I understand you being upset about it that night, but considering it only happened once, it's something we should have been able to work past.

12) I thought I could trust you. I thought my heart was safe with you.

13) I have to believe that it ended because you’re still in pain because the alternative is to believe you’re just a jerk. I realize you could take what I'm about to say the wrong way but I hope you don't. I don’t buy that you can't see me because of spending time with your kids. I never took time away from them and it was never an issue with us. I even hesitated to text you when you had them because I didn’t want to get in the way of your time with them. I’m not trying to call you a bad father or say you don’t love spending time with them, but I think it’s just an excuse when it comes to me.

14) As far as us not having a lot is common: we might not have the same hobbies but we seemed to agree on important stuff (at least as far as we got with it). And I think it's good when people bring different things to the table. It's a chance to learn and grow from each other.

15) I can't say I wish I'd never met you. If nothing else at least I learned to be more cautious next time.

16) Maybe you don't want to get hurt so you end it before someone has a chance to hurt you. That's a horrible way to go through life. You'll miss out on people who would actually be good to you (like me).

17) I'm so disappointed you turned out not to be who I thought you were. I miss the person I thought you were.

18) You never really listened to what I said. You heard what you wanted to hear.

19) In the beginning I think you had an idea of who you wanted me to be and when you found out that's not who I was you lost interest. I think you wanted me to be this perfect person with no negative emotions who would make you life perfect.

Dec 23 - 2AM
bgirl
bgirl's picture

I hope making this list

I hope making this list helped you in some small way. Sounds heartbreaking and I wish u well with recovering xx