Looking in the Mirror During Sex

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#1 Jun 27 - 3PM
tresor2
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Looking in the Mirror During Sex

My N had a bedroom with huge sliding mirror closet doors. When we had sex, he would put on his glasses so he could watch himself in the act...LOL, and this guy is over 60. I guess the voyerism was an added stimulant to the viagra. Most N's are voyers and love to watch themselves. I don't think that in itself is an issue; it's just the fact he was a N and the behavior is indicative of self absorption and objectification. When I think back, I recall feeling like an object, as he was totally removed emotionally. Sorry to say that at the time, even though I was aware, my denial didn't allow me to see it for what it was because I was so mesmorized by the jerk.

Jul 4 - 10PM
ifinallygotit
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mirrors

Mine had a giant mirror behind the bed. like a huge head board! for some reason, I did not notice it for years because it was recessed behind a wood shelf that ran behind the bed pillows - but when i finally noticed it I was like "what is this. a bachelor sex mirror??" he was like "no. its just a mirror!". I don't remember him ever really looking much into it when we were making love but it still freaked me out that he had it there.
Jun 30 - 11AM
janine
janine's picture

Showing off their bodies

It's how they got their name, isn't it, when Narcissus drowned in that pool he'd been staring into! Oh doesn't it turn them on to watch themselves in a mirror during sex, be it just by themselves or with others. They love webcams, videotapes, anything to show off their adored bodies. So one day I let myself into the house and Narc is there all undressed. Not unusual to find him like this, must have been wandering from one mirror to another admiring himself. But no, sweetie-pie has just bought an expensive camera and wants me to take his photo in the nude. "Oh, for your online contacts" I state (this was an "open" relationship). He lies down with a content smile and I tell him to lift his buttocks, so the ladies will be able to get a good look at his equipment. He does and with a downwards glance his smile grows even more content. "Sorry, darling" I say "could you possibly pull your stomach in, so they can see?" Smile is gone. Should you ever find a nude male with a big frown on his face staring hatefully at the camera at an online sex agency (not that I'd expect you to go there)beware, it will be my Narc.
Jun 30 - 7PM (Reply to #23)
tresor2
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LOL

LOL, so hilarious.
Jun 30 - 10AM
gratefuljen
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It's all so clear now.

After we were first married, we redid, MY bedroom. He had shit when we met. He built the bed up, like three feet off the floor, with mirrors surrounding the bed. When people would come I would feel embarrassed. I actually thought he built it because of US. Wrong, he is a full blown narcissist, he built it so he could look at himself. It blows my mind, how they are so sick, and they all do the same, soulless acts. He would also spend hours in the bathroom, picking his face, while he looked at himself. I am so grateful to be our of this sick, soul twisted relationship. Jen
Jun 29 - 9PM
Jannie In the Sun
Jannie In the Sun's picture

I had to laugh .

with you not at you "I guess the voyerism was an added stimulant to the viagra." You have painted a funny picture in my head of a naked 60 yr old man with his glasses on staring in the mirror. Thank you for adding some humor and I hope you meant it to be so. We all need to find laughter through our tears. It helps us to heal. I am deeply regretting my one time Skype sex with my exN. Knowing what I NOW know about narcissists I fear that he might have recorded it. Hope not.
Jun 29 - 7PM
Persephone1
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looking in the mirror, etc.....

I recommend watching American Psycho, if you havent already seen it. Yes its about a psychopath, & it has some graphic scenes, but is a great way to watch a narc in action- & he looks at himself in the mirror during sex..... & btw, my Narc Never kissed before/during/after any physical interaction either- except on rare occasions, & of course when he tried to weasel back into my life a 2nd time.....I always found that insulting, but then got used to it- so much that when he Did try to kiss me I was suspicious or something. That shouldve been a red flag for sure. Especially involving physical intimacy, someones who never kisses is definitely not there emotionally.
Jun 27 - 8PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

His only partner!

My classmates joked about how the ex-Psych prof probably didn't watch porn, he thought he was THAT hot. They'd joke that of course he'd stare at himself in the mirror as he did himself. His partner wouldn't be left out... because his partner would be... HIMSELF.
Jun 27 - 8PM (Reply to #18)
AkitaGirl
AkitaGirl's picture

PORN, Video and Viagra

These are staples for N's. They constantly need to up their game in order to get off and it isn't pretty, mirrors, videotaping only themselves, child porn, sex with men, incest. I didn't believe it at first. But after reading book after book the past 2 months and listening to peoples stories like mine I think I was just lucky to catch mine in all his dirty little secrets. The best line I ever heard was they use your body to masterbate and their own children are the closest they can get to having sex with themselves. They are the best male and female you know. They feel nothing and have to engage in more deviant behavior just to feel alive. While I fear what I have learned may scar me forever, it helps me to heal and ALL Narcs have these traits and it should help all of us to heal too knowing there is no hope for these people.
Jun 27 - 7PM
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Mirrors

Mine always looked into my eyes, almost the entire time. It was very intimate and, never felt mechanical or fake, and it's probably the reason I stayed as long as I did and what I miss the most. But knowing now that I was a mirror for him..... yes, he was always looking at himself in the mirror of me. At the time, I thought he was really IN to me. Later, after researching this subject, I thought he was studying me for my reactions on how to better manipulate me. Now, after further study, I realize I was just his mirror all along.
Jun 29 - 9PM (Reply to #11)
Jannie In the Sun
Jannie In the Sun's picture

eyes

Wow, mine could not look me in the eyes - it was too intimate. Looking back (no pun intended) he could only climax from behind. He was a gentle lover but I doubt that he was really there. He feared anything close to emotional intimacy and even when we talked, his eyes were shifty. I get it now.
Jun 30 - 10AM (Reply to #12)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Eye Contact

Mine was really big on eye contact all the time, unless he was ignoring me. He also was big on eye contact with every woman he saw which led them to thinking he was interested in them and approaching him. Now I realize it was part of his predatory stare in looking for prey. But I had more eye contact with him during sex than with anyone in my life. I've been reading a lot about the mirroring of themselves they see in the expressions on our faces. So while he was looking at me, he wasn't seeing ME. He was seeing HIMSELF as the all-powerful, greatest lover in the world by the way I responded to him.
Jul 4 - 1PM (Reply to #13)
ms_m
ms_m's picture

eye contact

wow this is sooo interesting! the initial posting on mirrors: well we stayed at his parents' place during our first christmas vacation together (cozy crashpad in the city vs their big country retirement chateau... yes my N is totally the over indulged privileged N with a smothering doting mother, not the abused traumatized in childhood type) - and in the small bedroom there was the wall length closet with mirrored sliding doors. and he was really into having sex positioned in a way so that he could see himself in the mirror. not our normal position but i brushed it off along with the mirror, thinking it's a guy's thing...but it was weird as during the entire visit he kept saying 'i'd love to have these mirrors in our bedroom at home'. first time i'd had a bf with that sex and mirrors fixation. as for the eyes, that too struck me as a bit odd the first time but again i brushed it off: he seems to only be able to climax while i'm looking at him... in a totally different way from previous non-N guys... the 'predatory stare' or reptilian thing y'all mention totally echos something i've always noticed too in my N. many people comment on my N's 'kind eyes', 'gentle eyes', which they totally can be. but in a flash they can turn piercing and malevolent, a kind of really scary intimidating glare. what's unusual is the frequency and the jekyll/hyde split second shift. funny thing is when i was reading about DSK (strauss-kahn), who strikes me as a TOTAL NARCISSIST, and his scandal in recent weeks, some of his former female students where he lectured at the university in paris also mentioned his scary abnormal glare reserved for his female students. they described as it as intimidating and abnormal... and eye contact and 'looking' in general is SOOOOO important to my N! he gets really upset if he feels i'm not looking at him while he's talking, whereas he will rarely make eye contact with me when he's talking or when i'm talking (it's ALL ABOUT ME LOOKING AT HIM). he's always obsessively scanning a room as he enters to see the 'important' people there, intensely surveying restaurants that we walk by to see if there's anyone he knows, constantly scanning crowds, studying fb to see who has rsvp'ed for an event, he constantly will notice people two blocks away ('hey there's your friend so and so over there, across the street') whereas someone i know could walk right by me without me noticing... he's constantly looking for 'mirrors'... the weird thing is that when i call him on it, noticing his abnormal obsession with studying every person in a passing bar or restaurant (i live in a city where many of the places have big windows or terraces onto the street), he has on several occasions EXPLODED INTO A NARC RAGE! totally accusing me of being ridiculous, denying, projecting, lying, being delusional...i mean really screaming at me on the street and calling me obscene names for innocently noticing what is so obvious and true!
Jul 4 - 1PM (Reply to #14)
ms_m
ms_m's picture

eye contact

another thing that should've been a red flag from the start (but i knew nothing about NPD before i met him and started googling his weird traits online to figure him out) was his repeated insistence on "mirrors" - he would always describe or refer to people as mirrors. duh! so obvious! can't believe i brushed that one off too!
Jul 4 - 9PM (Reply to #16)
Still Not Sure...
Still Not Sure...'s picture

OMG mirrors, OMG eye contact, OMG not kissing

Yes, I'm still very new to all of this... but WOW, this stuff hits the nail on the head.... my I can't even say ex-Narc because I still am soooo in the midst of it, i can't even bear to say ex. :( He NEVER kisses. He doesn't like to kiss. I have never met a guy, in 43 years! that doesn't like to kiss. Making out is the BEST. I've made this BF kiss and he will but it's never been "making out" like every other guy I've ever been with. And he ALWAYS starts and ends sex from behind. Although when in front of me? he DOES have intense intense constant eye contact - again, something I'd never had with anyone else!!! (and I have had plenty of experience in 43 years...) It's AMAZING. I love it so much I can't bear to not have it in my life still - even knowing how intensely unhealthy and awful he is to me and for me. And ironically? just LAST WEEK he mentioned putting up a mirror above his bed. I guess I just chalked it up to a male thing. He is pretty obsessed with porn. But he's only 29 so I figured he's just still young enough to be that focused on it. He really doesn't seem to be THAT into himself though. That's the one thing that is off with me trying to figure him out. I don't think he wants to see himself at all in the mirror - he wants to see the act itself - but that's normal for guys, isn't it? Am I delusional? Wow. So much to think about. Now I've got to do look up retilian eyes. Ugh. I will see him tomorrow at work. And I'm VERY weak. And I'm such an idiot. :*(
Jul 4 - 9PM (Reply to #15)
Still Not Sure...
Still Not Sure...'s picture

OMG mirrors, OMG eye contact, OMG not kissing

Yes, I'm still very new to all of this... but WOW, this stuff hits the nail on the head.... my I can't even say ex-Narc because I still am soooo in the midst of it, i can't even bear to say ex. :( He NEVER kisses. He doesn't like to kiss. I have never met a guy, in 43 years! that doesn't like to kiss. Making out is the BEST. I've made this BF kiss and he will but it's never been "making out" like every other guy I've ever been with. And he ALWAYS starts and ends sex from behind. Although when in front of me? he DOES have intense intense constant eye contact - again, something I'd never had with anyone else!!! (and I have had plenty of experience in 43 years...) It's AMAZING. I love it so much I can't bear to not have it in my life still - even knowing how intensely unhealthy and awful he is to me and for me. And ironically? just LAST WEEK he mentioned putting up a mirror above his bed. I guess I just chalked it up to a male thing. He is pretty obsessed with porn. But he's only 29 so I figured he's just still young enough to be that focused on it. He really doesn't seem to be THAT into himself though. That's the one thing that is off with me trying to figure him out. I don't think he wants to see himself at all in the mirror - he wants to see the act itself - but that's normal for guys, isn't it? Am I delusional? Wow. So much to think about. Now I've got to do look up retilian eyes. Ugh. I will see him tomorrow at work. And I'm VERY weak. And I'm such an idiot. :*(
Jun 27 - 8PM (Reply to #7)
tresor2
tresor2's picture

Eyes

Thanks for your comment. Now that I think about it, he also did a lot of the eye contact during the act, once he took his glasses off. The eye contact was intense and powerfull and I too mistook it and that's why I hung around for 8 years. I've read about the psychopathic stare and his eyes were incredibly intense and piercing...very powerful. It's referred to as the reptilian stare.
Jun 28 - 8AM (Reply to #10)
badjer
badjer's picture

This is quite freaky. I used

This is quite freaky. I used to keep my eyes largely closed until my ex....and he used to say "look at me" at one point actually opening my eyes with his fingers. He always maintained eye contact and yes....it was mesmerising then but with hindsight there was something almost scary about the way he would watch me with such intensity. Reptilian is ghastly but true - and my mother *hated* his eyes when she saw them in a picture. She said he looked "hard" and "cold." Funny how, though, the sex is still the single most hurtful thing I miss, like he used me and just threw me aside. I remember seeing him one Friday night and after we had done the act he was like "don't you need to get ready to go home?". It came a week after a nasty bust-up where he had treated me like shit. I felt so cheap and used and I told him. He apologised profusely (with what little contrition he could offer) but still only saw me to my stop outside. Didn't bother to offer to accompany me to the station - heck no - that was too much of a drain on him. When we met the very last time on one of our two "reunion" dates, I told him that if we weren't dating, I could pull another man, as a sort of scare tactic. He said the thought made him feel "physically sick". He didn't want me, but he didn't want anybody else to have me. Jerk.
Jun 27 - 8PM (Reply to #8)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Reptilian Stare

His eye contact didn't feel or look that way when we were intimate. His gaze actually looked "softer." Maybe it was the only time there were any "real" moments, but then again he was gazing at himself through me. I see his reptilian stare in certain pictures after the D&D started. I also see it in an old high school family picture that he posted on his FB profile at one point. Cold and emotionless, complete psychopath in retrospect.
Jun 27 - 10PM (Reply to #9)
tresor2
tresor2's picture

High

My N was usually high on pot and alcohol by bedtime and his eyes were all over the place. When intoxicated, they were glassy and mushy and when fairly sober, they fluxed between piercing when angry and empty and cold when God knows what. I'm starting to stress just thinking about his sneaky little brown eyes. I feel like slapping him right about now but, no worry, NC will prevail.
Jun 27 - 5PM
Littleone
Littleone's picture

Ditto

Ditto
Jun 27 - 4PM
Avid
Avid's picture

Looking in the mirror

My exn did the same thing he always would position a floor mirror so that he could see himself, he even made a video once and it showed him not me how sick.
Jun 27 - 3PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

sounds like you got the short

sounds like you got the short end of that stick.............mine didn't kiss during sex, that how i knew it wasn't love making. i am sure if he had a mirror, he would have been watching also.
Jun 28 - 8AM (Reply to #3)
badjer
badjer's picture

Mine barely kissed during

Mine barely kissed during sex, either. He barely showed affection at other times, going on about how his ex wife said he was "cold" and "emotionless." He had to be pissed to really open up and be affectionate, except at the beginning when I was heaven and earth itself. So fake.
Jun 27 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
tresor2
tresor2's picture

Stick

Not sure what you mean by the short end of the stick...do you mean that literally? Yes, the relationship yielded nothing and in hind sight, I guess it was all about meaningless sex which ended up becomming an addiction. How could it have become anything else since I was dealing with an empty, hollow tick. My thing for ticks is over.