Looking at my marriage now that narc is gone. PLEASE HELP

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#1 Apr 12 - 6PM
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Looking at my marriage now that narc is gone. PLEASE HELP

Oh boy am I in bad shape. NOt only dealing with the shame of the affair, the brutal D&D combined with the narc being my first boyfriend, but now have to look at the possibility of leaving a nineteen year relationship with my husband with two little boys. I am in therapy and I talk about it a lot. I love my husband on paper, but he has so many issues I have never had a real sex life with him that has been passionate, always towing the line with anything important in our lives, dealing with his real lack of ambition, and tremendous general tension he carries around both emotionally and physically. I'm so drained, so tired, feel so used up. I don't want to go near him. Never really have. He's attractive but just can't open up that much. It will never be enough for me. OMG what the hell am I going to do.

Apr 13 - 1AM
neverlookback
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I feel relieved I am not alone with this problem

Now that I am recovering from the Narcopath I also have this issue to confront. I am left with this SHIT to contend with, and yes it pisses me off. My marriage was NOT GOOD before the psycho came in my life and it is not good now. My husband is such a insecure controlling person, always has been, he parades around as if he is the strong type but I KNOW BETTER, after having a relationship with one of the cruelest abusers on the face of the earth my husband is a piece of cake to figure out. Of course our marriage became worse during the affair, and now after but it never ever has been what I want and need in a marriage partner. He is a verbal abuser, he is NOT pathological but abusive in the manner he speaks. Before the freak entered my life I tolerated my husbands abuse, and always strived to please him, NOW I NO LONGER TOLERATE ANY VERBAL ABUSE what so ever and I have totally quit trying to please him. Sometimes I BLAME my husband for the reason I wanted and needed to be loved so badly, my husband has been very neglectful of my needs, seems my life has been catering to him and always trying to please him, and now I think, WHAT ABOUT MY NEEDS? I NEVER EVER strayed on my husband until the psycho I am NOT a cheater yet now I can say with great shame, I HAD AN AFFAIR. I know this affair was not a normal affair by any means, I was conned by a very skilled predator who KNEW exactly what I wanted and needed, and he gave me it too. This man made me feel loved for the FIRST time in my entire life, and we all know the reasons why.... It was also unfortunate that the psycho was pretty damn good looking, and my husband ewww well.... not so physically attractive - I had more chemistry and physical attraction to the psycho more than anyone I have ever been with, and I know that is also part of the lure but hey sorry I cant walk away and lie and say he was not attractive because he was very good looking. The psycho had a soft, gentle charming kind way about him, (even though that is not what he is) and my husband is stern, hot tempered, hyper, flies off the handle easily, and intense. THe psycho was cool, calm, collected and very very smooth. I try not to compare my husband with this ACTOR but I also know there are men that truly are more even tempered,and gentle. Strange I lost 30 pounds when I met the psycho, I just could not eat, I have read that can happen sometimes when you fall in love. My husband on the other hand always called me a FAT ASS, well when I slimmed down my husband of course LOVED that, I remember saying to him for 20 years you called me a FAT ASS, and demeaned my body now you can eat your heart out because I have no desire to be with you intimately. Maybe it was my way of pay back for all those years he made me feel awful about my body. Here is a funny one for ya, the psycho wanted me to have some meat on me and my husband wanted me to look like a victoria secret model, geez, talk about conflict. I went from a size 12 to a size 6 and I am 5'9, my husband had no RIGHT to call me FAT for 20 some years. I am no longer that same subservient wife he had, always there to please the master in any way I can, I have learned to recognize what my needs are, why should his needs always be met and mine neglected? THATS BULLSHIT. He tells me I have changed, your damn right I have changed, I will never give my entire soul and life to a man that abuses me ever again. I am tired of men that need to be FIXED, or have issues, give me someone healthy or leave me the hell alone. I dont know what to do either, I am not happy in my life either right now but we are wise to FIRST heal from the psycho then make a decision such as divorce. See what these disordered can do, they can break up marriages and they are LONG GONE over the horizon never to look back. However, I wont blame him if our marriage does not thrive because the marriage was not good to begin with, but I have read where many married women leave their husbands for their psychopath and get duped not long after, this is a travesty, and only another reason to remember how truly dangerous these men are and what damage they leave behind them, and THEY DONT CARE ladies, they care NOTHING about what they leave behind them in the ruins, mine could care less if I divorced or stayed married, whats it to him. I remember mine telling me many times, I dont want to be the cause of your divorce, now I KNOW what he meant, he was saying, hey dont divorce your husband because I sure as hell wont give you ANYTHING I ever promised you, that is what he was REALLY saying. He WANTED me to stay married all the more reason we would never be able to be together and he wanted it that way. Far cry from what he promised in the beginning, cruel, sick, heartless evil bastards, they could care less, he managed to get another mans wife to fall in love with him, what a power trip that must have been for him. I cant tell you how many times he would ask me, "So has your husband fucked you lately? What a sick thing to ask. Ya back to reality, the marriage and what to do?? Just another one of many things on my long list of damage I must overcome. Thank you very fricking much for destroying just about everything in my life.
Apr 13 - 1AM
candy
candy's picture

my marriage

My marriage,is also in trouble,i have been married years,and have a son,but my hubbie is so layed back,very quiet,almost boring me to tears,but hes never ever miss treated me in any way,i just dont love him as a wife should ! ..... thats why my narc was so exciting to me,he was utterly thrilling,and to be honest i think i liked the dominant way he treated me sometimes, thats mad i know but im being honest .... pity he is such a lying, cheating, two faced rat ..... CANDY XX
Apr 13 - 1AM (Reply to #9)
dudette
dudette's picture

Candy

So so agree with you. My H is younger and very passive aggressive but also sabotage by stealth i.e reusting change in so many ways. I was left in charge of everything really... My N was exactly the opposite. I was craving for a man to take charge of me for a change. He did that beautifully...
Apr 13 - 10AM (Reply to #12)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

OMG Dudette

You have described my husband to a T. I initiated getting married, having my son and then my other son, the major issues with parenting, getting him into therapy, so many things. Of course that means I have been trying to change him since the second I met my husband but alas that failed, eh? Then walks in the narc JUST LIKE YOURS taking charge - at least gave that appearance. His taking charge though was abuse. I know I can't change my husband now. I can't stand him physically - it's that passive aggression - he doesn't ever ask straight out for what he wants just hints and whimpers. His mother is exactly the same...if she is at a restaurant and wants salt, she'll sit at the table and just announce to the air, "Oh, these tomatoes need some salt". Then everyone at the table has to figure out does she want me to give her the salt? Does she want the waitress to come over and re-do her order? Then everyone start to jump to help her. This is my life. I could just die. i DO NOT WANT MY SONS GROWING UP WITH MY HUSBAND LIKE THIS. I DO NOT WANT MY PRECIOUS SONS GROWING UP WITH ANXIETY EVERY SECOND LIKE HIM.
Apr 13 - 12PM (Reply to #16)
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

mine does the same

he doesn't ever ask straight out for what he wants just hints and whimpers. I want to scream back and say, you know what QUIT with these GAMES, just say what you REALLY want, dont try abuse to cover it, because I can see what you are doing. I know FUN LIFE EH? I think we might also consider that from our experience WE have changed, what we once thought we wanted in a partner is NOT what we want now knowing what we have lived thru. Too bad the very things that made us so very attracted to the disordered werent REAL, Ok I can accept that, but lets go half way here, meet me half way, give me maybe just some of what you wanted me to believe you were and NOT be disordered, is that possible?
Apr 13 - 10AM (Reply to #13)
dudette
dudette's picture

my husband's family

are Jewish. Everything they do is passive aggression. They never tell it straight. you always have to second guess them....
Apr 13 - 10AM (Reply to #14)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Jewish what?

I am very Jewish dudette - I am a Jewish cantor in fact. I don't find that comment helpful and it is downright bigoted. One's religion has nothing to do with this.
Apr 13 - 12PM (Reply to #15)
dudette
dudette's picture

Apologies for offending you PG

PG - I totally see your point and I absolutely apologise... It was more like a cultural behaviour thing... His own family make a joke about it and how "jewish" they are all the time....I never quite understood that dynamic myself but since I don't know any better, I thought it was a normal ! In their own terms, it means that they never say anything directly, but get things done by default. I thought it was a common thing and so I am very sorry about that.... Honestly I am not bigoted. I am a Roman catholic woman who married a jewish man and is a choir singer myself, in the church of England....
Apr 13 - 1AM (Reply to #10)
candy
candy's picture

dudette

I guess we should be careful what we wish for .... its not always ..... he certainly dominates me,he aint spoke to me for over 6 weeks,and unfriended me off facebook ... he thinks im sitting here like a his patient little pet waiting for his return, ..... THE TOSSER !!!
Apr 13 - 1AM (Reply to #11)
dudette
dudette's picture

yours like mine

is a coward of the truest cowardly kind.... It was OK to trample all over my boundaries, get me into bed, be mean and cruel and cheat and lie.....to impregnate me with his evil genes and see me fall apart, pregnant and trapped, having a miscarriage alone and in secret...and run, like a freaking 50 yeald old in a panic..... of course now that my husband knows, (so is my vicar, his ex wife and a number of other people) he is hiding the hell away from me.... Then again I told him when I dumped him never to contact me again.....He uses proxies to try and get at me.... Once a coward, always a coward.....he has nothing but my complete contempt....
Apr 13 - 12AM
dudette
dudette's picture

oh patience

I know so much how you feel I feel exactly the same. I tried so many time to initiate a divorce but my husband has managed to sabotage me many times.... This time round, after the affair with the narc, he is using my state of mental health on me and family, friends to tell them that I am not fit to look after my son on my own. He wants to take him away from me, away from everything he knows, and place him into an urban awful school....he is in the best school in the county, where I am a governor.... Nothing short of blackmail. done "with love" of course and for my best interest... yeah right.... my 8 year old son is now very anxious because he is using him as a weapon against me My only answer right now is resilience and a long term plan....I am saving money quietly and looking for jobs back in France. One day, One day I will escape......but without a warning this time.... may be you should consider the same Have patience PatienceGoal. And thank you for your reply on my story.... Lots of love Dx
Apr 13 - 10AM (Reply to #6)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Dudette Escape

This is my biggest fear - that my husband and his family will try to take my kids from me. I had severe postpartum depression after both sons and my MIL who is the bitch from hell saw me in the hospital twice. I have asked my husband who is actually a very kind man if he would try to take my sons and he said "no, of course not, they love their mommy". I don't believe him. How do you just escape? I can't do that.
Apr 13 - 10AM (Reply to #7)
dudette
dudette's picture

honey you just might have to

but without warning this time....I guess this is for another forum ..... not let ourselves be sabotaged as previously said....
Apr 12 - 7PM
Playedwithfire
Playedwithfire's picture

You are going to get through

You are going to get through it! I too, married my first love, had children and did all those firsts with that we all dream about as we become adults. Its tough, I know. this year marks our 20 years since we first met as teenagers. I get what you are going thru. At the end of this month, it will be a year since I kicked him out. Its a blessing in disguise, it truely is. I wish you all the strength. Keep hanging close to the board, we are all here for you. You can do this! PWF

Playedwithfire

Apr 12 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Pwith fire

Thank you. My husband, he's not a narc. Not abusive really - just so passive aggressive and he has been in therapy for years. I am just not alive around him. I feel dead for so many years. And I am wondering if I cannot be with my husband because I have been with narc after narc, but, no...I have to face it. It's isn't working. But I don't feel that I can leave and not sure if I want to. I'm trying to work things out. Of course I am always trying.
Apr 12 - 9PM (Reply to #3)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Patience, I can relate to

Patience, I can relate to being in a long, unfulfilling marriage and having the nightmare of the Narc thrown into the mix. Although, I don't have children, so that complicates things even more. My marriage wasn't always this way, there was a time when it was good. We were best friends, but we're not even that now. I too no longer have the same feelings for my husband and feel like I'm living a lie with a roommate or my brother. And this was happening before the Narc, but after the Narc, things are more screwed up than ever. For the first time in my 21-year marriage, I've contemplated divorce on a daily basis for over a year. Prior to that, I never thought I would be in this place and it wasn't even part of my vocabulary. Only you know what your marriage is really like and what you're going through, but I would advise you this way as people do anytime there is a major stress/trauma in your life, and I am following this recommendation myself right now. Don't make any major life-changing decisions for at least 6 months while you are going through the trauma and grief of what has happened to you. Right now you cannot think objectively. Right now you cannot think clearly. Right now you are still trying to accept the events that have occurred in your life and heal from the trauma. Right now it may seem that a change of some kind, ANY kind, will make things better. Just remember, wherever you go, you always take yourself with you. Sometimes doing nothing and waiting it out is the best thing you can do (except in the case of the Narc where you must be diligent and strong in staying NC and healing). Heal from what the Narc has done to you first before you make any major decisions that will affect the rest of your life. I know what you're saying about not being able to make things work with your husband, especially now that you know what's been missing in your relationship, however fraudulent it was. The good parts of what you experienced with the Narc is what you would love to be able to experience with your husband, but you can't, so it makes that relationship seem that much worse in contrast. I have said to myself many times, life would be so much easier if I had the feelings for my husband that I have for the Narc. That's the way it's supposed to be, but it's not. Right now, I don't know if I will end up staying married or not. We have so many issues that were there before the Narc and are worse after. In many ways, the Narc was a big distraction and escape from these problems in my marriage, with the fairy tale promise of starting over new. But I know my head and thinking has been way too screwed up for over a year now because of the manipulation and brainwashing of the Narc, more so than it would have been if I were evaluating my decision to stay in my marriage without being under his spell. So right now, I'm not going to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire, but wait until I get past my obsession/addiction to the Narc so I can make a more objective decision about my marriage. This, like every thing else we're going through, will just take time. XOXO
Apr 12 - 11PM (Reply to #4)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Smitten

Thank you so much for the long repsonse it helped me so much. Especially when you advised doing nothing which I think it the best advice. thank you