The Loser. Warning Signs

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#1 Nov 27 - 11AM
Hermes
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The Loser. Warning Signs

IMO this is one of the best, if not the best, article about avoiding N-tanglement with abusers/losers.
By Dr. Joe Carver

The Warning Signs that you are dating a Loser

http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

A relationship with the wrong individual however can lead to years of heartache, emotional/social damage, and even physical damage. A damaging adult partner can damage us, damage our loved ones, and even damage the way we feel about love and romance in the future. They can turn what is supposed to be a loving, supporting, and understanding relationship into the "fatal attraction" often described in movies. There are a variety of "bad choices" that may be encountered each week - most of which are easily to identify and avoid. We all know to avoid people that appear insane or abusive and not select them as a dating partner. However, some individuals are better at hiding their personality and behavior abnormalities. In an effort to provide some warning about these very damaging individuals, this paper will outline a type of individual commonly found in the dating scene, a male or female labeled "The Loser". "
"One of the things that might attract you to "The Loser" is how quickly he or she says "I Love You" or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you'll hear that you're the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You'll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the "honeymoon phase" - where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying "If it's too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!" You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you'll miss the major point - it doesn't make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake
"
If you have been involved in a long-term relationship with "The Loser", after you successfully escape you may notice that you have sustained some psychological damage that will require professional repair. In many cases, the stress has been so severe that you may have a stress-produced depression. You may have severe damage to your self-confidence/self-esteem or to your feelings about the opposite sex or relationships. Psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, and counselors are available in your community to assist and guide you as you recover from your damaging relationship with "The Loser".

Nov 27 - 8PM
Gaia
Gaia's picture

Another great article!

Thanks Hermes :) The xN said he loved me on date 2, I knew in my heart that , that was just weird. I just giggled and said : I love you too: although I didnt really know him, and didnt want him to feel weird for saying it, so I agreed. I know that my desperation to feel loved my whole life is what set me up for this abuse, sadly. One thing that is troubling me, is that after reading this article, I feel like in the end of the relationship, I became the "LOSER". I was checking his phone, stalking him, harassing him, doing things I never did before. now I am afraid I am a loser too! Or did he make me this way? I dont want to blame anyone, and take resposibility, but I feel like I was never this way before, and I started to become a violent, screaming angry person towards him, I tried to kill myself if he left too! I was NEVER ever like this before him? i cant figure out why he brought out this bad stuff in me? Love, SG
Nov 27 - 4PM
needing2know
needing2know's picture

Toojk my ex 4 months to say

Took my ex 4 months to say those words, think he only said them because I told him i was falling for him. he never told me he loved me first only said it if I told him those words, he never talked about getting married in 7 yrs either
Nov 27 - 12PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

They have no idea what "I

They have no idea what "I love you" means. They are simply words, strategically planted in your head. Only to be repeated when they feel the "need" to. No one falls in love that quickly. It's lust at that point, not love.
Nov 27 - 11AM
a65703
a65703's picture

My N Ex saying I love you

My N Ex saying I love you within the first month BLEW ME OUT OF THE WATER. IT DIDN'T MAKE SENSE!!!!!! I can count the times on both hands he said that the other 9 months we were together. In a drunken slur, almost robotic, knowing he has to slip in these 3 words within the first weeks or month of dating is ESSENTIAL for the N to bait his victim ASAP. See, I LOVE YOU, I never said this to anyone else so quickly YOU ARE SPECIAL. Almost as if the N believes himself because he is infatuated with infatuation, I stress that, and not use the words in love with being in love!!!! He knows love from movies, tv-shows, songs, and love he sees others showing and sharing. Once the N deems he "loves" you, It's downhill from there......
Nov 27 - 4PM (Reply to #4)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

paris, je t'aime

Gee. How's this for size? Three months & one week out. Sitting in a sidewalk cafe in Paris. Yes, ladies, PARIS. And he says: "I love you. I want to marry you." My life. I remember the dress I wore. The color of the sky. The table. The building across the street. I was so happy. Bliss. A dream come true. I said: "You name the place & the time & I'll be there." Now I know -- a sucker is born every day. Mine was a highly educated con-artist. I have a theory. They feel something that makes them say: "I love you." What they feel is: "Hey. This broad's seriously useful to me. She's a 'keeper' that I can use & abuse."
Nov 27 - 3PM (Reply to #3)
Hermes
Hermes's picture

A65703

You say: "He knows love from movies, tv-shows, songs, and love he sees others showing and sharing." You've nailed it exactly! That is how it is. The NPD HAS to run from a script, because having no empathy or sense of reality he has to copy sentences and words from wherever he last saw them. So if he saw the hero in some movie say I love you to the heroine, and saw her fall into said hero's arms, he thinks that is really how it is. As simple as that. Once again, the point is not that someone says this to you on date one, the point is why would you believe it if it is evidently so transparent. Mind you not all of these NPDs operate like that. Ex-NH certainly did not do the come on strong stuff with me (because he realised it would not work with me). Had he said "I loveyou" the first or second date I'd be gone like the wind down teh road. LOL. Hermes
Nov 27 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
Alissa
Alissa's picture

Same here... He said "I love

Same here... He said "I love you" right after the first kiss. I was like: "huh? you love me? You don't even know me?" N: "I love you." It's just so hard for me to believe that there are people out there who use their words as weapons to bring someone down!! On purpose!!