"In Love" vs. Real Love

I've learned a lot from my multiple N nightmares. One thing in particular that stands out is that I now realize the insanity of being "In Love." For me, it was like being on a rocket ship...my hormones were out of control and my thinking was delusional. I thought I had met the man who was going to change my life into a happy ever after story. I could finally exhale.

"In Love" is like an addiction and I idealized N the same way he idealized me. The N was my drug of choice and I was crazy about him. The N's are masters at coming on strong and sweeping partners off their feet, very early in the relationship. And I got caught. The reality of "In Love" is that it's not real love at all. It's not based on unconditional love...with no opposites...it's based on the belief that another person is responsible for our happiness and everything else. It's infatuation, frequently sexually driven and results in the loss of self.

Real love has no opposites and is grounded on unconditional acceptance, w/o judgments. The constant criticisms, judgments, attacks, etc. of our psychos are not indicitive of real love. Instead, they indicate our lack of acceptance of who they are. My focus on him kept me from dealing with my own stuff and kept me stuck. It was a defense that kept me in my repetition compulsion cycle to resolve past trauma. Real love does not hate one minute and love the next, as Eckhart Tolle would say.

So bottom line, I've determined that my feelings toward N were, in large, addictive and partially love. Because I couldn't accept his abuse and bad treatment, I judged and attacked when my feelings were hurt and basically told him I didn't like who he was. Real love would have meant that I accepted him for who he was, with all his evil ways and at the same time, loved myself enough to bail when the red flags began flying. How can we love another if we don't love ourselves?

After 8 years of misery, and not seeing him for over a year, the feelings I have for him now are closer to real love than early on in the relationship when I became addicted. I see him for who he is, I understand NPD and APD, I know he is sick and sadistic and I can love him for that. I can't change him and won't subject myself to more abuse so, I can now let go with love; not "In Love." The more I'm able to love myself, the easier it becomes to love others. I refuse to wallow in hatred and resentments.

Ironically, I recall very early in the relationship he told me that "in love" was not allowed; only love was OK. At the time I didn't understand but, he was right. Sadly, he talked the talk but couldn't walk the walk...a false prophet of sorts.