Magical thinking and projection has bitten me in the butt once again!

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#1 Mar 21 - 9PM
Miss Lewis
Miss Lewis's picture

Magical thinking and projection has bitten me in the butt once again!

My biggest asset can also be my biggest liability! I am play apart in replaying this vicious script over and over again, hoping the outcome will be different this time.

I was projecting my good qualities onto him and I didn't listen when he warned me of who he really was. My favorite analogy that is so fitting for many of us is below:

"There was a Swan at the edge of a river and a scorpion approached asking the swan if she would kindly give him a ride to the other side of the river on her back. The swan said "no, you are a scorpion, you will sting me and I will die." The scorpion assured the swan that he wouldn't do that, all he wanted was a ride to the other side and he promised she was safe with him. So the swan gave in and allowed the scorpion to climb upon her back. She swan to the other side and just before reaching the shore the scorpion stung her and jumped to safety. As the swan was sinking, slowly dying from the poisons she asked the scorpion why he broke his promise and stung her. The scorpion said "I'm a scorpion, that is what I do."
Ernie asked me why I believed that the swan allowed the scorpion on her back. I said it was because she was denying her instincts. He said it went deeper than that. So I asked Ernie to explain. He said the swan was projecting her swan like qualities upon the scorpion.

There is that word "projection" again. When we come to understand narcissism we find that narcissists are masters at projection. They take the dark qualities within themselves and project them onto those who love them. But we don't often think about our own projections. We just as easily project our goodness upon the narcissist in our lives and then we fall in love with the good qualities in ourselves projected upon the other. We see the narcissist (scorpion) as someone who is empathetic, caring, loving, concerned, compassionate and honest, because this is who we are. The narcissist gladly owns our projections and gives us his dirt. We get accused of being the very thing we eventually come to see in him."

I was still holding onto the notion that I could turn him into the swan!

I went no contact for over a week, even changed my number. My boss insisted that I take two weeks off on stress leave because she could see that I was barely functioning.

The first week was horrible! I was lying in bed with a bad cold, all I could do was obsess and I didn't have access to the net (this forum- my only support), I also did not have work to distract me! I was all alone and sick so I broke down again and called him!!!!

He was soooo happy to hear my voice, he stated that he had a wake-up call when I'd changed my number, he had an epiphany and he was a new man, he would never again take me for granted ( I know, my magical thinking kicked into first gear and I actually fell for this baloney!).

He came to my house, fed me, gave me medicine, and bought me groceries. We hung out every day for 1 month and he was a perfect darling, a complete gentleman. He was everything that I had been waiting for him to be! Lucky me! Miracles do happen....NOT!

For 1 month we went bowling, I started going to the gym on a regular basis and he admired how hot I was becoming (BTW, I was already attractive, with a slim/athletic figure). I even died my hair his fave color, Bleach blonde! I was suddenly a goddess, worthy of 10 calls a day from him! He wanted to see me regularly! He told his family he was serious about me this time!

Fast-forward to just over a month. My best GF is celebrating her 34th Birthday and she is depressed about aging. I told her she was silly because I am 34 and we are both still so young. I brought my Narc to the bar with us. My friend and I laughed, drank shots and received tons of attention from the opposite sex. I would run to my Narc every five minutes to give him a reassuring kiss on the cheek and encourage him to have fun. He did not have fun, he pouted in the corner and stared at me with bulging eyes for the next half hour. He demanded that I leave the bar. I insisted I stay because I hadn't seen my GF in over a year! I stated that I would meet him at home. In his eyes, I had committed the biggest sin, he was god, and he was going to make me pay!

He proceeded to call me a whore and a milf the following day. He stated that he wants to sleep with other woman, I am not beautiful enough, he will sleep with whomever he wants and I am to never question his judgment.

He stated that he wants a younger woman (he is 10 years younger than I) with a larger butt, and I don't measure up to his standards. He stated that he is disgusted with me because I have been in so many long term relationships. I told him that the fact that I, unlike him, could at least hold down a relationship and that should be a testimony of my loyalty and commitment. He has spent his whole life using and discarding woman for solely sexual pleasure.

He stated that he was just about to marry me ( lol, talk about dangling the carrot in front of me-classic) until that incident at the bar. I stated," WOW, I blew it with an abusive guy, who belittles me, isn’t attracted to me and will be guaranteed to cheat on me for the rest of my life, what a loss, gee, wish I didn't have fun with my girlfriend on her birthday after all since you put it that way". Unfortunately my clever use wit and sarcasm went unappreciated and fell on deaf ears! What a waste!

He informed me that he was the man, he will do as he pleases and I will obey him ( haha! He KNOWS I am a rebel!).He stated that he must punish me for what I did the other night and the consequence is that he will destroy my soul! After that, he stated that he still plans on dating me, I added, even though he will sleep with other woman, abuse me, and refuse to commit because he sees no future with me?!He stated that we will work on things.

He then stated that I better keep going to the gym, because he likes heavier, curvier woman and he finds me too slim ( hhhmmm, lots of men would prefer my figure, model slim with muscle tone).I again, suggested that he find a woman that was more of his physical type, but he insisted that he was more attracted to me than any other woman, so he will continue to sleep with me (lucky me!!).

He stated that ( finally he tells the truth!) no one will ever know him, he only does what makes him happy and he will use people, that is his nature. He said everyone is used for his benefit only (Wow, the mask has slipped).

Even the last statement was not enough for me to slam down the phone! I was still hanging on for dear life hoping for a shred of decency, regret, or compassion!

He proceeded to say that he wanted to sleep with my friend, than I started to cry, then he called me a psycho, get a grip on my emotions. He stated that I was so weak and pathetic and suicidal. He said that it was pathetic how I was about to kill myself over him.

AT that point I raged! I turned into him for survival in tis emotional battle field. I stated, "Don't flatter yourself! No woman would kill themself over a man who was too skinny, bankrupt, lived with his parents, and had a freakishly large nose, s premature ejaculation issues and a lousy personally! (The WAR is ON!!!!). I stated that he better step up his game and improve his personality and sexual skills if he planned on cheating on me with multiple women. I stated that I was a beautiful, smart, kind woman, he was lucky to have me and he better treat me as one, because I am on my way out the door, and I don't see any supermodels lining up and banging down his door.

He had the nerve to say, "You are so cold, you hurt my feelings, how could you be so cruel?". I stated, "See how it feels?! This is how you treat me?!".

I know I stopped to his level, but I tried being calm, rationalizing things with him, I tried communicating and bargaining with him but nothing worked and I was pushed to the extreme! He was laughing at me while I was sobbing my eyes out, calling me a pussy and a wet whole, and nothing more!

I told him I can't take it anymore, I have to walk away, he hasn't changed, this is a sick, abusive non-relationship and I deserve better. He then resorted to bribe me to stay, lol. He offered to pay me $ 300.00 per week to endure this abusive situation where he exploited me sexually and emotionally. I laughed and stated that we'd break even with the huge therapies bills that would cost me in the end, I am not a whore that can be bought!

He than stated that he behaves this way because he loves me so much, he goes crazy without me and gets suicidal! (That explains his earlier projection, accusing me of being weak and suicidal. I in reality, he was disgusted with himself.). He demanded that I quit being so insecure, never question him and trust him (despite claiming that he will definitely cheat on me). He said I should quit my job, he will support me (he is a truck driver)I can come on the road with him and that we will travel together ( in other words, give him complete and easy access to destroy my soul once and for all, yeah, ok!).

I stated it's over, he will hurt me again and again and he basically proved that! He stated (his famous last words) It's not over until I say it's over".

So, back to the drawing board! I have changed my number again! Back to square one, day one of "No-Contact".

(OMIGOD! IT's only been two hours and he is already hoovering me! He just called my work number as I am typing this, he has never done this before! He told me he wanted to marry me as soon as he returns to town in a few days! I told him he was crazy if he thought I'd marry him after the way he treated me over the past few days and hung up! CRAZYNESS!!!!!).

I have read that, "All the people we attract into our lives are a mirror of our innermost beliefs about ourselves and the world.” If that's really the case, I have alot of work to do on myself considering that I have attracted a man into my life that makes Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen look relatively sane!

I have attracted this man into my life to teach me that on some level, I still do not love and respect myself one hundred percent. If I did, I would have RAN away at the first red flag or sign of abuse. On some level, I accept meager crumbs of affection, at the cost of severe emotional abuse. I hold on, thinking that I need to prove that I am lovable, I can win his love, I need to PROVE this to him! I am determined, even of obsessed with this mission! In reality, who do I need to prove it too, him, or myself!

Sorry for the rambling on and on, needed to vent!

Mar 21 - 9PM
Miss Lewis
Miss Lewis's picture

Sorry, posted twice.

Sorry this re-posted (posted twice) for some strange reason and I don't know how to deleat it!