MAJOR HELP? PLEASE, someone tell me???

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#1 Aug 30 - 11AM

blueeyes

MAJOR HELP? PLEASE, someone tell me???

I really need an opinion. I am so at a loss. My HN is home with our newborn (2month old) son today and I am at work. We are at war because we are in counseling and I have STOPPED giving into manipulation and no longer a source of supply. It's been about a month now that we have been really at war. We are in counseling. Well today, I texted him to see how baby is doing? No answer for a whole hour (which is fine but I worry about baby). So the messages went HORRIBLY WRONG...Please follow the texts and tell me what the heck IS HAPPENING since I am new at understanding a narcissist.??PLEASE? Here are messages:

ME: How's the baby?

HIM: Great

ME: He will need med around 3.

HIM: I know, Thank you thou

ME: Ok. I just miss him a lot.

HIM Its okay, I totally understand..... I feel the same way when I'm not with him.

HIM: Hope your day is going good.

HIM: My day just keeps getting better and better! The kids toilet is over flowing and going everywhere non stop! This is so much fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is at Least an inch of water on the ground and I'm covered with POOP and pee! This is just the best day ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ME: Omg!! Call adam (PLUMBER)! Turn the water off. GEEZ!

HIM: Fu@k a PLUMBER! And by the time he gets here we will finally have the swimming pool we have always wanted..... I have it finally under control, I have to calm and feed the baby then get him to sleep. Then I will go swimming in more Piss and Shit so it will be nice and clean for when u get home. Sound Good?

HIM: I meant get him to sleep, not help.

ME: No! I don't need nice and clean. Don't worry bout me.
Really we should call a plumber?

HIM: A simple thank you was all I was looking for but that would be too much. NO, I have it under control! Go back to work.

ME: What? I am THANKFUL! I don't want you to have to deal with this. I'm trying to think of help is all. I DO NOT want you to do all of this! But thank you!
I was just trying to figure out what to do first. Thank you for cleaning it. What can I do?

ME: I wasn't not thankful. I was just trying to figure out what I can do to help.

HIM: I will take care of it.

ME: Do you understand that I am thankful? So Thank you....

HIM: Welcome

ME: Do you know I'm thankful?

HIM: Honestly, Not at all... So would you mind stop texting me I have a screaming baby I'm trying to settle down before I tackle the flood in the bathroom. Please and Thank you!!!!!
END OF TEXTS...I can't answer because I HAVE NO CLUE HOW TO ANSWER THAT! HELP GIRLS PLEASE??

#2 Aug 30 - 7PM

helldweller

timmy12boy

Oh, and there is always the possibility that he is setting up an elaborate scenario so he can walk out later "fed up with" your complete and total lack of appreciation for him--and go see his girlfriend. Mine did that all the time. Even if he just wanted to cancel our plans and go out with his buddies, he couldn't just ask me (I would never have minded)--he had to cause a fight and storm out. He even used to do this when we had plans and he couldn't find a babysitter. Instead of just telling me he didn't have a sitter (of course I would understand) he would pick a fight so that it was my fault our plans didn't go through. Toward the end, I caught on and made sure I didn't rock the boat or respond to his needling if I really wanted our plans to go through. He would try and try and squirm and squirm and once or twice he just burst into tears (??????) because his scheme wasn't working out. So bizarre.

#3 Aug 30 - 1PM

agnesmurphy17

situation room

Bet if you told your boss that there was an 'emergency' at home & had to leave for awhile . . . you'd get to the house & find little or nothing in terms of a swimming pool in the toilet. What happened is a little too much down the loo & he's plunging there. If there was so much going on, he'd call a plumber. And if it was a crisis, he'd have not been engaging in a polite exchanges about medication, etc., or even answered text messages. He's using emotional blackmail techniques here. Guilt tripping you. And you fell for it. Why is it that mothers "take care" of their children? And fathers "babysit" their own children? SOunds like this man is having a regular day in the childcare front. In my experience, a child is plunging to its death about every 15 minutes & everything that can go wrong will go wrong on an hourly basis. So, next time you are at home with the kids & there is an issue, be sure to text him & get profound & heartfelt "thank you's" from this man immediately. Gee, a nasty-self-absorbed-man working would have said . . . "I'm working here to pay for that toilet . . . all you have to do is take care of those kids (as if its a day at the spa), call a plumber if necessary, NOW I HAVE TO GET BACK TO WORK!" (Because what she does at home is not work but just hanging around & doing nothing.)

#4 Aug 30 - 2PM (Reply to #27)

NoNarcingZone

Thumbs up...

agnesmurphy17!!! ME GUSTA (I like)! Indeed - guilt-tripping. Couldn't have said it any better myself. Stay strong Timmy12Boy. There's strength in numbers. We are those numbers!

-------------------------------------------
"Soldier, don't confuse your rank with MY authority!"

#5 Aug 30 - 1PM (Reply to #26)

terri

Can we get a "LIKE" button on this forum?

Because if we had a LIKE button, I'd be pushing it to your comments agnesmurphy17!! So true! so true!

Believe in yourself!
Terri

#6 Aug 30 - 12PM

ShaynasMommy

timmy12boy

he is phishing for accolades, praise, and the acknowledgement form you that he is some sort of superhero from a comic book. Who can handle an overflowing toilet, crying baby, and obviously have the time to text his wife while doing it all? Domestic Man! To be honest, he very well could be making the toilet thing up. He wants you to say how awesome he is, even though it should be implied because you married his ass. But its NEVER enough for these fuckwits.

#7 Aug 30 - 12PM

WellRed

It sounds like he wants a

It sounds like he wants a big pat on the back and wants to make sure you know how HARD his aweful day was! He has to be the hero,,,,,,I'm sure the mess isn't as bad as he makes it out to be. If he was "swimming in piss" and a normal person, he wouldn't have taken the time to write out such long text messages saying "poor me". I know you worry about the baby, but now that you know all is ok, try not to respond. WOULD HE HAVE RATHER THIS HAPPENED WHILE YOU WERE ALONE WITH THE BABY?? He is somehow trying to "punish you" for this.

#8 Aug 30 - 12PM (Reply to #22)

blueeyes

wellRed-TY- my oh my? not respond?

I figured he wanted a pat on the back. But I am mad at his response! Really I should not respond? Why? I am worried and idk what the heck he would need to punish me? What did I do?

#9 Aug 30 - 1PM (Reply to #23)

WellRed

You didn't do anything wrong

You didn't do anything wrong - take a page from his "playbook" and do not respond to him and go home tonight like nothing ever happened. Don't sweat the small stuff, such as his twisted text messages. I'm sure there are bigger battles looming. Good luck and this is the best advise I can give you to keep the peace the right now.

#10 Aug 30 - 12PM (Reply to #14)

ShaynasMommy

THAT'S RIGHT!

Wellred nailed it! and he wasn't even thinking of texting you until you texted him. And opened a whole can or pity party

#11 Aug 30 - 12PM (Reply to #15)

blueeyes

shaynasmommy?

He wasn't thinking of texting me? Why? More punishment? I do not understand. I'm printing it out and giving it to the couselor.

#12 Aug 30 - 1PM (Reply to #16)

ShaynasMommy

Timmy12boy

Yes, More punishment. He was already punishing you by ignoring your first text. Until he came up with his fabulous plan for getting his biskit of praise from you. Which didn't go as well as he had planned. In his mind, YOU opened the door for more supply for him, and more devaluation for you, simply by texting him in the first place. Yes, you should show your therapist this. And he/she very well may confirm that his twisted thinking/behavior is all designed to get attention and fill up the hollow, bottomless pit of self doubt and loathing at his core. You are only now beginning to see what kind of person he is. It is the same story basically as the rest of them on this board. We were blind, and then we stood up for ourselves, and then we saw the real, the desperate, the sick ppl they really are. He knows your just needed to check up on the baby, but still it has to be all about himself. Timmy, I know this all is just blowing your mind right now, but be assured that it is all very real. Sick and twisted, but real. My exN and I went for 2 counceling sessions, and once the councellor made it clear that it was NOT going to be about how fucked up I was and how I was messing up the relationship all by myself, then he stopped going. I imagine he is really pissed off that you mde that declarative statement in therapy the other day and he is indeed punishing you. Don't be fooled that just because he hauled his carcass to therapy with you that he is willing to do the work. Remember that little BBry signature you mentioned, about changing to make things work. Its pure BS. There's no intention there.

#13 Aug 30 - 2PM (Reply to #17)

blueeyes

shanasmommy? TY!

You mentioned once your N realized he wasn't fooling the therapist, HE STOPPED? How much you wanna bet that happends...Weve been twice this week we go for a third time and I printed all of this CRAP! So, I bet my HN backs out,.

#14 Aug 30 - 2PM (Reply to #20)

ShaynasMommy

and be prepeared for further

and be prepeared for further fallout. After the last session he totally was screaming at me in the car and I was driving on the freeway I almost crashed. I should have pulled over and kicked him out.

#15 Aug 30 - 2PM (Reply to #21)

blueeyes

Prepared for fallout in Therapy

I KNOW..and I am prepared..I made the appt for when I get off work so we meet there. Leaving seperate is FABULOUS!

#16 Aug 30 - 2PM (Reply to #18)

ShaynasMommy

Timmy12boy

I woulnt doubt it at all. But maybe you should keep on with the therapist. Belive me youre gonna need it when this is done

#17 Aug 30 - 2PM (Reply to #19)

blueeyes

LMAO! He is Pathetic

Well, I IGNORED the SOB and 3 hours later(as if nothing happened) I recieved this from him: " BABY is fine, I had to walk him around for an hour to get him to sleep and he just woke up in time to pick Ash up from school. I just changed him and gave him his med. Now I'm feeding him, the girls are home safe..... They both had a great day first day." LMFAO!!!!!! WHATEVER! I ignored it! Shaynasmommy...I gotts come up with something for my BBM status... I'm thinking..HMMM

#18 Aug 30 - 12PM

blueeyes

I have never delt w a man

I have never delt w a man like this? I DO NOT KNOW how to respond that my son is safe and I dont know what he is PHISHING for??

#19 Aug 30 - 12PM (Reply to #2)

wholeagain

Fishing

He's fishing for validation and compliments and extra props for doing nothing more than what we all do every day in some way or another. I can understand getting sucked in but right where he turned sarcastic is the time to end the convo. You knew the baby was okay by then, and that's all you needed to know. He doesn't *want* to understand you, he doesn't *want* you to be right, he does love that he just sucked up a bunch of your time and made you feel bad though. He's got your number and he's not afraid to use it! The only behavior you can change is your own, and the only way you can change the dynamic is to initiate it yourself. You've seen that in therapy already, it's just time to take it a step further. When it comes to narc, attention is attention, you're still providing supply even if it's a fight. Remember that you're not dealing with a normal person. The normal ways of working out problems don't apply, unfortunately.

#20 Aug 30 - 12PM (Reply to #3)

blueeyes

wholeagain?

You said I need a dtep further and to change myself? What do you mean? Or suggest?

#21 Aug 30 - 1PM (Reply to #9)

wholeagain

Change...

You said that you're at war because you've stopped giving in to manipulation and are no longer a source of supply, but here he a) manipulated you into defending yourself and b) your continuing the conversation when he got all snarky was being supply. So the step further is becoming more aware of when that's happening and cutting of any conversation that gets manipulative, snarky, etc.

#22 Aug 30 - 1PM (Reply to #10)

wholeagain

If this helps...

I've had my share of exchanges of this sort, and got better over time at handling them. This might be how I'd have handled the same exchange, if I were trying to work things out with him. ME: How's the baby? HIM: Great ME: He will need med around 3. HIM: I know, Thank you thou ME: Ok. I just miss him a lot. HIM Its okay, I totally understand..... I feel the same way when I'm not with him. HIM: Hope your day is going good. HIM: My day just keeps getting better and better! The kids toilet is over flowing and going everywhere non stop! This is so much fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There is at Least an inch of water on the ground and I'm covered with POOP and pee! This is just the best day ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ME: I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough time :( Sounds like you have your hands full so I'll let you go, I have to get back to work too. END. OF. EXCHANGE. He would probably try to get attention again, or say something snarky in reply but I'd totally ignore it.

#23 Aug 30 - 1PM (Reply to #11)

blueeyes

LADIES "ALL OF U"

Wholeagain, shaynas mommy and all of the ladies that answered my TEXT POOP PEE dilema...THANK YOU ALL! I am learning and about 1 month into this (if that). So I have alot to learn, and you are helping majorly. Wholeagain, you sent me a text that you would have done...I know if I ansered like that he would have FLIPPED!

#24 Aug 30 - 2PM (Reply to #12)

wholeagain

Yep

He would have flipped. Mine did. But what I described there is how two *normal* people would have an exchange. A *normal* person would think nothing of that response, he'd probably be glad to get back to solving the problem of the toilet and going on with his day. When he flips, let him and don't react, because all he's trying to do is get you to react (which makes him feel good). This is where Shaynasmommy's comment about indifference comes in. You have to learn not to rise to their bait...their bad day is not your bad day...their bad moods aren't your bad moods...you are not them. You are you and you are worth more than having to babysit the man you married! Keep reading, keep writing, keep learning :)

#25 Aug 30 - 1PM (Reply to #4)

ShaynasMommy

timmy12boy

Its called indifference. At least try to fake it. Because the more you go back and forth with him, the more supply he gets. there is a saying;Im paraphrasing, but: Never get down in the mud with a pig. When you get up, youre covered in mud/shit and the pig is loving it.

#26 Aug 30 - 9PM (Reply to #5)

blueeyes

folw up on MAJOR HELP u all gave me today about the TOILET TEXT

Ok, I came home and yes towels were wet and the carpet a lil wet so there some minor episode w the toilet. I came home he was on the couch w the baby and my 2 teen girls (1st day of school) had millions of stories and pprwrk for me so I didn't go right to the baby so I hear my H huffing. Thirty min later, he ran out after I had baby. I figured he would be gone but he came right back in 5 min, went on the computer (pretend to look for a job) and right to bed! I've been w the kids alone and loved it. I'm going to bed now and he just woke up. We still have yet to talk. I'm not missing anything. I'm taking your advice...being indifferant. TY. ALL

#27 Aug 30 - 11PM (Reply to #8)

wholeagain

Humor can be good

when we're dealing with all this crap (pun intended) so I hope someday you can look back at the famous Toilet Text incident and laugh. Some of this stuff is so ludicrous all you can do is laugh after a while! You're getting it Ms. Timmy, keep up with writing and reading. While he's wasting time pouting like a kindergartener you can be getting strong :)

#28 Aug 30 - 10PM (Reply to #6)

tigger73

Well my dear timmy12boy, I

Well my dear timmy12boy, I must say, when I read the text exchange, I felt sick to my stomach. Anytime something hits me so close to home, I literally feel nauseous. I left my NH 3 mths ago. I started educating myself, reading everything, writing, being on this board everyday for almost 9 weeks, and your post, the texts you exchanged, that was my life for 10 long years. That very type of wacked out conversation happened everyday, all the time, every holiday, every weekend, every minute. I cannot believe I am still standing upright. I took the kids and left, and we are SOOOOO much happier. Listen to me on this. Since I have had very little, as minimal of contact as possible, even though with 3 kids and he is seeking other supply elsewhere..... I now realize that he is the ONLY person in my life that behaves and REACTS this way. I truly have no f***** up relationships ANYWHERE!! There are no more toxic people, except him and his entire family. I cannot believe what kind of time warp I have been living in, how did I keep it up? and the kids and I were always happy when he left for work or passed out or went to bed. He was never a part of "us". It was "us" and "him". All of these comments on this thread just blow my mind. They are dead on, dead straight, and I actually needed this thread because today was just not a good day, emotionally. Some days I am elated that I am rid of him. Other days are just days and I need reinforcement so I log on and start reading and HEALING!!!! I am not encouraging anyone to get a divorec, but I'll say this. These people do not change. They cannot maintain that false, bullshit fake self for too long. I saw my exNH real self early on, but made excuses and my self esteem was low. Not anymore!!! Good luck to you. I am thinking of you and that precious baby and your teens. And being indifferent is the only way to handle them, but be prepared, they don't like it.

#29 Aug 30 - 11PM (Reply to #7)

blueeyes

tigger73

Your damn right he doesn't like it. I came to bed and didn't talk look or face him (usually I say something or hold his hand play with his hair) nothing. No body language to give a shit that he's ignoring me. He hasn't been back to sleep yet. I just got up to use the bathroom and get a drink and boom, he is on the couch! That won't bother me either. Tomorrow I will NOT allow him to watch the (screaming baby) cuz I got a sitter. So in the morning we are all leaving and he will know I took baby to his moms but I don't care. The baby never screams for us. Your right and I have told him that its US and HIM not all of US together. I need more from a husband and deserve it. In vounseling it will come out so I assume he will be gone.

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