Married to an N and Waiting for the Good Times to Return?

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#1 Mar 18 - 8PM
Anonymous (not verified)
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Married to an N and Waiting for the Good Times to Return?

By Diane England, Ph.D.

When you said your vows, what were you expecting? I suspect if you were like most women, you thought you were entering a partnership. You would enjoy shared power, right?

I bet you’ve discovered something quite different, though. I bet he likes to have power over you, isn’t that so? And to ensure he achieves and maintains this, he might well use emotional abuse, verbal abuse, economic abuse, and even sexual abuse, too.

The thing is, you might not even realize that your relationship with your narcissistic spouse is filled with these forms of abuse. You might feel badly or experience emotional pain much of the time, but still not understand why. You might well believe your narcissistic spouse when he tells you how you are the problem, and if you just changed and did these things he wanted, well, life would be grand.

For him, that is.

He keeps emotional abuse, verbal abuse, economic abuse, and sexual abuse in his marital toolbox because they work for him. Meanwhile, you believe that the two of you have a partnership.

Sorry, but a relationship with a narcissist is not about partnership.

Those suffering from unhealthy levels of narcissism don’t know what that means. They are self centered. They lack empathy. And more than anything else, they are grandiose. Whether successful or not, they feel entitled to have what they want when they want it.

Rather like the two-year-old.

The narcissistic throw tantrums when they don’t get what they want, too. The difference is, they scream more than how they hate you; those suffering from unhealthy levels of narcissism are inclined to scream obscenities and other hurtful things. All of them help your self esteem to plunge, plus make the anxiety butterflies swirl, wouldn’t you agree?

Let me back up a minute here, though. Perhaps you might want to argue that your spouse has never been diagnosed with any mental health problems, and especially not Narcissistic Personality Disorder or NPD. Please realize, however, that narcissistic tendencies or narcissistic symptoms can occur in varying degrees. So, someone need not be diagnosable as having full-fledged Narcissistic Personality Disorder to display what you’ll see referred to in various internet articles as unhealthy, pathological, or malignant narcissism. However, even lesser degrees of narcissism can be problematic in your relationship.

I might not have to tell you that. Then again, have you ever suspected your spouse’s emotional abuse and sexual abuse, for example, were associated with pathological levels of narcissism?

So, how many of the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder must your narcissistic spouse meet in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders for you to be the victim of his narcissism - which could be fueling his abuse plus perhaps alcoholism or drug addiction?

Sadly, too often, these all come together in one neatly wrapped package.

But back to the question I originally posed; I really can’t answer it.

What I will say, though, is don’t keep you eyes shut because in the beginning, things were so good between the two of you. You might have believed you had finally met your white knight. You might have been so enamored with him because of the whirlwind romance that included flowers, candlelight dinners, outrageously expensive gifts considering the time you’d been together, and romantic getaways that also included great sex.

No, don’t keep thinking if you can only get it right, or do all the things he asks, those days will probably return.

I rather hate to tell you this, but you’re probably wrong. Oh, he might act that way now and then to keep you hooked in and believing you’re about to rediscover Camelot, but he is only seducing you - again.

A narcissist is like a leopard; he can not change his spots. Okay, he might be able to change if he really wanted to do so. But if you are in love with a narcissist, you need to understand that you’ll likely be seeking counseling on how to leave a narcissist long before he’s inclined to seek help on how to alleviate himself of his narcissistic tendencies.

If you have a narcissistic husband, listen very carefully: Narcissists seduce you with their charm, the romance, and the great sex. Once they have you hooked, things change - and not for the good.

In fact, is the great sex still so great? Or instead, is it about him and his needs and wants? Also, you might feel he has to give a great performance, and you’re always expected to commend him for a job well done, too. And rather than feeling closer to him, instead, have you felt you’ve become more and more merely an object to him?

There is even a chance the great sex has switched over into sexual abuse. Perhaps the transition has been so gradual, however, that you haven’t actually seen the truth about what was happening - or where you have ended up as a result. But if you stop and think about your sexual relationship with your narcissistic spouse, you might realize you’ve been doing things that don’t appeal to you sexually, but only to him. In fact, they might make you feel degraded.

He not only doesn’t bring flowers anymore, but it is probably worse than that. You’d realize that if you got real about your marriage.

Yes, it is probably hardly a relationship in the sense that you define the word. Are you always worrying about what might please or displease him? And to ensure you do neither, do you do things against your personal values?

You probably want to avoid his narcissistic rage. And again, you hope if you’ll only do as he wants, things will be like they were in the early days - when you held hands and made love in a romantic haze.

Again, it is time to get real. That was an act to suck you in. Now, though, if he is walking around being his self centered and grandiose self, engaging in emotional abuse and verbal abuse that causes your self worth to slip away daily, he is nonetheless likely being the man he will continue to be.

You might well be able to somehow survive the emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and sexual abuse.

You might keep telling yourself that the sexual abuse is not sexual abuse because you actually are okay with what he asks of you - as kinky (and comfortable) as it perhaps has become.

I suspect you might be shut down and out of touch with your feelings, however. You also might be taking pride in your ability to cope with things you shouldn’t have to cope with anyway. And if that is the case, realize you are not the first and last woman to make this discovery. Frankly, I myself have been there; I took pride in my martyrdom. But really, what’s the sense in that?

I decided I didn’t like being in a relationship with a narcissist. I also knew I never wanted to be in a relationship with one again, though I suspect I met one or two along the path on my way to recovery.

Your life is yours to live as you please; you have to make your own choices. I suspect, though, that you give your life - and your narcissistic spouse - a good hard look. You might realize you’ve been bonded to a fantasy that was probably never more than that.

Meanwhile, you stay stuck loving a narcissist while he serves up a mixture of emotional abuse, verbal abuse, economic abuse, sexual abuse - and some great times, too - to keep you hooked in and doing exactly what he pleases.

Why should you expect differently? Remember, he is self centered, he is self absorbed, and he lacks empathy. And because of his grandiosity, he feels entitled to do as he pleases. In turn, everyone else is here to serve him and meet his needs.

They must be kept in line and under his thumb.

Yes, these are the spots of the narcissist. And no, they probably will not change. So really, is spending your life loving a narcissist the best use of both your love and your time?

I hope your moving your head back and forth.

http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2009/02/married-to-narcissist-waiting...

Sep 21 - 5PM
Barbara (not verified)
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for mandimc

READ TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck
Jul 26 - 1PM
Barbara (not verified)
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waiting for the good times to return

SEE TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jun 29 - 12PM
Barbara (not verified)
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married to an N?

see top post ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Apr 12 - 7PM
Barbara (not verified)
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PTSD is a TRAUMA DISORDER not Mental Illness

Women can level the playing field in court with a pathological. This could be related to a divorce, seperation, restraining order, or child custody. If you have PTSD, the courts are mandated to offer you special accommodations while in court to protect you and to help your level of functioning due to the PTSD. http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2008/07/helping-women-find-effective-strategies.html As we mentioned, in order to do that you must legitimately have PTSD, be diagnosed and have an Accommodations Report prepared by a professional that is presented to The ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act). From there, special accommodations are granted. (see link above) Some people hesitate in getting diagnosed with PTSD because they are afraid of it's implication to them, their functioning level, or related to a mental illness diagnosis. First of all, PTSD is a trauma disorder. If you are diagnosed with it, it already implies you have been traumatized. You are going to court regarding your traumatized relationship so it fits and it supports your argument in court as well as the symptoms that have arisen because of this relationship. If he was traumatic to be with, we need to say so. If we want the court to understand pathology, we need to teach them through our own experiences and relationships especially if we want the court to change. Secondly, PTSD does not necessarily have the type of stigma you fear. Our vets that come home from war often, and more often than not, have PTSD. Fighting for our country is honorable -- they were doing a good thing and yet were damaged from their experience. The same is true for you. Senator John McCain has PTSD. We could have very well elected someone with ongoing PTSD into the White House. Firefighters and law enforcement who bravely saved many in 911 have PTSD. Missionarys helping the poor in other countries have PTSD. Social Workers working in dangerous situations have PTSD. I have PTSD. I have lived for 25 years with it. I openly discuss having the disorder -- through no fault of my own. I got PTSD from seeing my father's murder scene. I have worked with others that have PTSD now for 20 years. And because I am a survivor, I live with the effects of chronic PTSD daily. I know how it has changed me, my life, my abilities, my health and my endurance. I have seen it in hundreds of others, how it has effected their lives -- sometimes long term. If you have it, say it. Nothing starts healing until we acknowledge it. It is what it is. Some worry that they will be labeled with mental illness if the court acknowledges their PTSD. Well, let's think about that... do you think a pathological is going to go into court and NOT say you are crazy? You don't think he will argue every point of your illness, behavior, or symptoms (whether they are true or not) in order to win? You don't think he's GOING to use some kind of emotional disorder argument? OF COURSE HE IS -- that's what pathologicals DO!! So, in order to prevent being labeled something far worse than PTSD, if you have PTSD, let IT be the label instead of something else that can greatly impair your ability to get rehabilitative alimony, custody of your children, etc. Having a PTSD diagnosis before court can greatly help HOW FAR the pathological can go in trying to make you look mentally ill. PTSD is NOT mental illness. Having a PTSD diagnosis may help prevent them from labeling you mentally ill with other more debilitating types of mental illness. So don't shun the PTSD diagnosis if you have it. It may prevent you from being labeled something far worse. Here is a chart from Bully Online that differentiates between PTSD and mental illness in case you were wondering what the differences are... http://www.bullyonline.org/stress/ptsd.htm#Differences ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Differences between mental illness and psychiatric injury The person who is being bullied will eventually say something like "I think I'm being paranoid..."; however they are correctly identifying hypervigilance, a symptom of PTSD, but using the popular but misunderstood word paranoia. The differences between hypervigilance and paranoia make a good starting point for identifying the differences between mental illness and psychiatric injury. Paranoia * paranoia tends to endure and to not get better of its own accord * the paranoiac will not admit to feeling paranoid, as they cannot see their paranoia * sometimes responds to drug treatment * the paranoiac often has delusions of grandeur; the delusional aspects of paranoia feature in other forms of paranoia is a form of mental illness; the cause is thought to be internal, eg - a minor variation in the balance of brain chemistry * mental illness, such as schizophrenia * the paranoiac is convinced of their self-importance * paranoia is often seen in conjunction with other symptoms of mental illness, but not in conjunction with symptoms of PTSD * the paranoiac is convinced of their plausibility * the paranoiac feels persecuted by a person or persons unknown (eg "they're out to get me") * sense of persecution * the sense of persecution felt by the paranoiac is a delusion, for usually no-one is out to get them * the paranoiac is on constant alert because they know someone is out to get them * the paranoiac is certain of their belief and their behaviour and expects others to share that certainty VS. Hypervigilance * is a response to an external event (violence, accident, disaster, violation, intrusion, bullying, etc) and therefore an injury * wears off (gets better), albeit slowly, when the person is out of and away from the situation which was the cause * the hypervigilant person is acutely aware of their hypervigilance, and will easily articulate their fear, albeit using the incorrect but popularised word "paranoia" * drugs are not viewed favourably by hypervigilant people, except in extreme circumstances, and then only briefly; often drugs have no effect, or can make things worse, sometimes interfering with the body's own healing process * the hypervigilant person often has a diminished sense of self-worth, sometimes dramatically so * the hypervigilant person is often convinced of their worthlessness and will often deny their value to others * hypervigilance is seen in conjunction with other symptoms of PTSD, but not in conjunction with symptoms of mental illness * the hypervigilant person is aware of how implausible their experience sounds and often doesn't want to believe it themselves (disbelief and denial) * the hypervigilant person is hypersensitized but is often aware of the inappropriateness of their heightened sensitivity, and can identify the person responsible for their psychiatric injury * heightened sense of vulnerability to victimisation * the hypervigilant person's sense of threat is well-founded, the hypervigilant person often cannot (and refuses to) see that the pathological is doing everything possible to get rid of them * the hypervigilant person is on alert in case there is danger * the hypervigilant person cannot bring themselves to believe that the pathological bully cannot and will not see the effect their behaviour is having; they cling naively to the mistaken belief that the pathological will recognise their wrongdoing and apologise ~~~~~~~~~~~ Other differences between mental illness and psychiatric injury include: Mental illness * the cause often cannot be identified * the person may be incoherent or what they say doesn't make sense * the person may appear to be obsessed * the person is oblivious to their behaviour and the effect it has on others (even when it's pointed out to them) * the depression is a clinical or endogenous depression * there may be a history of depression in the family * the person has usually exhibited mental health problems before * may respond inappropriately to the needs and concerns of others * displays a certitude about themselves, their circumstances and their actions * may suffer a persecution complex * suicidal thoughts are the result of despair, dejection and hopelessness * exhibits despair * often doesn't look forward to each new day * is often ready to give in or admit defeat VS. Psychiatric injury * the cause is easily identifiable and verifiable, but denied by those who are accountable * the person is often articulate but prevented from articulation by being traumatized * the person is obsessive, especially in relation to identifying the cause of their injury and both dealing with the cause and effecting their recovery * the person is in a state of acute self-awareness and aware of their state, but often unable to explain it * the depression is reactive; the chemistry is different to endogenous depression * there is very often no history of depression in the individual or their family * often there is no history of mental health problems * responds empathically to the needs and concerns of others, despite their own injury * is often highly skeptical about their condition and circumstances and is in a state of disbelief and bewilderment which they will easily and often articulate ("I can't believe this is happening to me" and "Why me?" - click here for the answer) * may experience an unusually heightened sense of vulnerability to possible victimization (ie hypervigilance) * suicidal thoughts are often a logical and carefully thought-out solution or conclusion * is driven by the anger of injustice * looks forward to each new day as an opportunity to fight for justice * refuses to be beaten, refuses to give up Common features of Complex PTSD: People suffering Complex PTSD report consistent symptoms which further help to characterize psychiatric injury and differentiate it from mental illness. These include: * Fatigue with symptoms of or similar to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (also known as CFIDS or ME - to be differentiated from chronic fatigue which is a symptom of other disease processes) * An anger of injustice stimulated to an excessive degree (sometimes but improperly attracting the words "manic" instead of motivated, "obsessive" instead of focused, and "angry" instead of "passionate", especially from those with something to fear) * An overwhelming desire for acknowledgement, understanding, recognition and validation of their experience * A simultaneous and paradoxical unwillingness to talk about the abuse (click here to see why) or here (click here to see why) * A lack of desire for revenge, but a strong motivation for justice * A tendency to oscillate between conciliation (forgiveness) and anger (revenge) with objectivity being the main casualty * Extreme fragility, where formerly the person was of a strong, stable character * Numbness, both physical (toes, fingertips, and lips) and emotional (inability to feel love and joy) * Clumsiness * Forgetfulness * Hyper-awareness and an acute sense of time passing, seasons changing, and distances traveled * An enhanced environmental awareness, often on a planetary scale * An appreciation of the need to adopt a healthier diet, possibly reducing or eliminating meat - especially red meat * Willingness to try complementary medicine and alternative, holistic therapies, etc * A constant feeling that one has to justify everything one says and does * A constant need to prove oneself, even when surrounded by good, positive people * An unusually strong sense of vulnerability, victimization or possible victimization, often wrongly diagnosed as "persecution" * Occasional violent intrusive visualizations * Feelings of worthlessness, rejection, a sense of being unwanted, unlikeable and unlovable * A feeling of being small, insignificant, and invisible * An overwhelming sense of betrayal, and a consequent inability and unwillingness to trust anyone, even those close to you * In contrast to the chronic fatigue symptoms, depression etc., occasional false dawns with sudden bursts of energy accompanied by a feeling of "I'm better!", only to be followed by a full resurgence of symptoms a day or two later * Excessive guilt - when the cause of PTSD is bullying, the guilt expresses itself in forms distinct from "survivor guilt"; it comes out as: 1. an initial reluctance to take action against the pathological and report him/her knowing that he/she could lose his/her job or otherwise have consequences 2. later, this reluctance gives way to a strong urge to take action against the pathological so that others, especially successors in the relationship, don't have to suffer a similar fate 3. reluctance to feel happiness and joy because one's sense of other people's suffering throughout the world is heightened 4. a proneness to identifying with other people's suffering 5. a heightened sense of unworthiness, undeservingness and non-entitlement (some might call this shame) 6. a heightened sense of indebtedness, beholdenness and undue obligation 7. a reluctance to earn or accept money because one's sense of poverty and injustice throughout the world is heightened 8. an unwillingness to take ill-health retirement because the person doesn't want to believe they are sufficiently unwell to merit it 9. an unwillingness to draw sickness, incapacity or unemployment benefit to which the person is entitled 10. a desire to help others, often overwhelming and bordering on obsession, and to be available for others at any time regardless of the cost to oneself 11. an unusually high inclination to feel sorry for other people who are under stress or are pathological, Fatigue The fatigue is understandable when you realize that in pathology, the target's fight or flight mechanism eventually becomes activated. The fight or flight mechanism is designed to be operational only briefly and intermittently; in the heightened state of alert, the body consumes abnormally high levels of energy. If this state becomes semi-permanent, the body's physical, mental and emotional batteries are drained dry. Whilst the weekend theoretically is a time for the batteries to recharge, this doesn't happen, because: * the person is by now obsessed with the situation (or rather, resolving the situation), cannot switch off, may be unable to sleep, and probably has nightmares, flashbacks and replays; * sleep is non-restorative and unrefreshing - one goes to sleep tired and wakes up tired * this type of experience plays havoc with the immune system; when the fight or flight system is eventually switched off, the immune system is impaired such that the person is open to viruses which they would under normal circumstances fight off; the person then spends each weekend with a cold, cough, flu, glandular fever, laryngitis, ear infection etc so the body's batteries never have an opportunity to recharge. When activated, the body's fight or flight response results in the digestive, immune and reproductive systems being placed on standby. It's no coincidence that people experiencing constant abuse, harassment report malfunctions related to these systems (loss of appetite, constant infections, flatulence, irritable bowel syndrome, loss of libido, impotence, etc). The body becomes awash with cortisol which in high prolonged doses is toxic to brain cells. Cortisol kills off neuroreceptors in the hippocampus, an area of the brain linked with learning and memory. The hippocampus is also the control centre for the fight or flight response, thus the ability to control the fight or flight mechanism itself becomes impaired. Most survivors of bullying experience symptoms of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome http://www.cfids.org/about-cfids/symptoms.asp ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jul 26 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
Barbara (not verified)
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information on PTSD

SEE ABOVE POST ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Apr 12 - 7PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Personality Traits Predict PTSD Symptoms

http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/06/personality-traits-predict-ptsd.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Oct 7 - 6PM (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
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i keep hoping i'm wrong about him

SEE TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.