Maybe my ex is a narc with emotions?!

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#1 Mar 9 - 4AM

Trulybroken

Maybe my ex is a narc with emotions?!

I was just remembering today how my ex got really emotional and held back tears when his Mom lost her job and when he would see stories about child abuse, or anything related to children, he would be on the verge of tears.
He was too tough to cry in front of me, but I could see the tears well up in his eyes.

I also remembered when I left him a year into the relationship and he called me in tears. That was the first time I saw him cry. He was really sorry about what happened at that time.
He showed quite a lot emotion in the first 2 1/2 yrs. Then he went stone cold! It coincided with his sobriety date. When he stopped drinking, he became DEAD inside!

I know there are different "strains" of NPD, and since so little is really know about PD, it's totally possible some of them do feel.

Your thoughts.....

#2 Mar 11 - 7AM

jen79

they do have emotions

but they dont have empathy. Dont mix these two things up. They can get very emotional, and they are real the moment they feel it. But they dont have empathy for yours. And I dont even like to say they are like little kids, cause I see my little nephew of almost 3 years has more empathy than him. They cry for themselves, they are sorry for themselves, they cry cause they screwed things up for them, they cry cause they are jerks, they cry cause they cannot jump out of their skin. They dont feel empathy for your feelings though. It took me so long to accept this, and realize the truth of that. And I wish I didnt have to go back several times to see its really like that. They can seem so emotional, and they are, but its always about them, never about you, or anyone else. Big difference.

#3 Mar 11 - 1PM (Reply to #55)

Susan32

My year old nephew has empathy...

This is a strange twist of fate, IMHO. My nephew's father has the same name as the ex-Psych professor's father. My nephew is growing up in Massachusetts, like the ex-P did. My nephew's father went to Harvard, like the ex-P's father. And my nephew was born on OCTOBER 14. The difference is that my nephew could babble for an hour, complete nonsense, and I'd actually like it. Yet my year old nephew HAS EMPATHY! He enjoys helping. When my sister heads off to get the mail in the New England winter, he'll give her her sweater. He's AFFECTIONATE. "I don't even like to say they're like little kids"-I remember telling the ex-P that the "snot-nosed urchins" I volunteered with were better behaved than him;they were better listeners. It was *rewarding* being with them. The ex-P saw those kids as his rivals. He threw tantrums because of my volunteering. My former Narc boss and my Narc grandmother don't have the deep-seated hatred of children that the ex-P does. Between the ex-P and my nephew... I *DEFINITELY* prefer my nephew!!!!

#4 Mar 10 - 11PM

fooled no longer

FAKE FAKE FAKE all their

FAKE FAKE FAKE all their emotions are copied and fake they never stand the test. Mine is still crying and bleating about his brother giving away his toy car to a friend. The brother was 4 at the time, him 7 . The Narc is now 50 !!!!!! I remember what an expert on Physcos once said. A P wants pity more than anything. I hope they all find their way under the wheels of a mac truck !!!!!

#5 Mar 9 - 2PM

Steph

They can shed tears.Mine

They can shed tears. Mine did. But only for HIMSELF. Its another method of control. As soon as things aren't in their control, they can pour out the tears and make you feel sorry for them. Normal people DO feel bad when someone is hurting or crying. You want to comfort that person. It's different with a narc or whatever personality disorder they have. The difference is (and how you know they are fake), is how do they react to YOUR tears. My tears annoyed him or sometimes sent him into a rage. No empathy. Zero. Complete backwards reaction.

#6 Mar 11 - 7PM (Reply to #52)

ifinallygotit

Faked empathy

Mine liked to be seen as a nice guys always. I took years of shit off him and I rarely broke down, but one day I did. I sat in his lap and I told him the truth about how much his behavior was hurting me and how rough it was on me emotionally and I cried alot of tears. I think it was the only time I really showed my vulnerability to him. He held me in his arms on his lap (like a child) and wiped away my tears with his big fingers. He was quiet and maybe even fascinated or flattered by my display - he showed no emotion while he physically comforted me and siad he would try to do better by me. We were kind of close that night after that exchange. By the next day, nothing had changed and he was back to the same old cold rejecting behavior. The two opposing sides of him drove me nuts...I need everyon'e support....

#7 Mar 10 - 4AM (Reply to #51)

MandyM

The one time I burst into

The one time I burst into tears while we were arguing, his response was an exasperated, "Why the f*ck are you crying?" At the time, I chalked it up to an alpha male who wasn't comfortable with women crying in front of him. Now I suspect otherwise.

#8 Mar 9 - 5PM (Reply to #50)

ImStrong

I agree 100% when I use to

I agree 100% when I use to have arguments with the narc...i told him I was going to cry or had cried..he would say your such a punk and laugh..like you said complete oposite

"In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess

#9 Mar 9 - 1PM

LinaS

My ex-N cried, but never for

My ex-N cried, but never for any of the things that would have brought me to tears. He didn´t cry when his grandmother died, or when we lost our baby or when he had problems with his phD. No, he used to cry for his long lost girlfriend, who left him years ago. And he sometimes cried when he broke up with me, when I refused to make the break-up easy for him. But he used to express deep feelings, and that has sometimes made me wonder if they were all fake. But I think Goldie is right. You have to look at the actions, not the words with these guys. My ex-N used to say that he loved me, and that he wanted to do good things for me. But when I lost the baby he left me just a few weeks later, and immedately got involved with another woman. He didn´t even bother to check if I would need an operation. When he called to ask for his things I asked why the hell he hadn´t even called to check on me, and he said "I can´t comfort you now". I pointed out to him that it was his baby too, and he said. "I know. Don´t you think I have feelings?", And the answer was clear to me. No, he didn´t have any feelings for me or for our baby. If he had he wouldn´t have done the things he did. His actions were much truer than his words.

#10 Mar 11 - 8PM (Reply to #47)

Tasberry

Wow

I'm wondering if we dated the same person. My ex N did not cry when his grandmother died either and he was living in the same house as her at the time. In fact I had no idea she died until one day he casually said to me "When my nan died..." during a phone conversation. I had to back him and find out when this happened because he never told me about it or shed a tear. I also lost a child of ours due to a tubal pregnancy. I did have an operation and it was horrible. It was the worst thing I have ever gone through in my entire life. I was devastated. He never came to the hospital to visit me and he didn't visit me when I was home and out of work for two months. Didn't even bring me a can of soup or anything. Luckily I had my family and my one male friend who came over and washed my clothes and cleaned up a bit for me as I could not get out of bed for several weeks. Ex N cared so little about me and the lost child that he went out with a "female friend" while I was laying there with stitches across my stomach. Like an idiot I took him back eventually. He sent me flowers or cried or some such and I fell for it. Guess where I am now? Sitting here with our two year old son (got pregnant again) and no ex N because he left me when I got pregnant the second time (planned) and married another woman. Then strung me along for an additional 3 years with the "hopes" that he'd return so we could raise our son together. I was with him for four years and did nothing but try to make him happy. I just couldn't. They aren't capable of being happy. The do not care about anything or anyone but them and if you dare show some emotions, expect to feel worse after you do such. Every time I cried he was more abusive to me. Sometimes it hurts me just to talk about it but I found this blog and I wanted to share with people who have been through the same thing.

#11 Mar 12 - 1PM (Reply to #48)

LinaS

Tasberry

Oh Tasberry! I´m so sorry to hear what you´ve had to go through! And you´re right. It does sound like we´ve dated the same person (your N wasn´t Swedish, was he?). The only difference is that my ex-N was really supportive when I lost the baby. He comforted me, and cooked me dinner and took care of me. For about three weeks. Then he left me for another woman. I guess your experience tells me what my life would have looked like if he´d stayed. Because our baby was planned, and we definitely would have tried for another baby if he hadn´t left when he did. Then he probably would have abandoned me and our child, just like your ex-N did. It must have been so awful for you, and it must have been horrible to be strung along for years afterwards. You are a very strong woman. Hugs!

#12 Mar 9 - 9AM

ABC0311

Mine was a big crier....

Noticeable to other people, even. My mother used to say that he had "woman emotions." He was a big, big, big crier. I'm glad you posted this because it is one of the reasons that keeps causing me to doubt that he is a narc (even if he fits it to a "T") because he was SO full of emotions.

#13 Mar 9 - 8AM

mystwoman

Xnh used to do all of this as

Xnh used to do all of this as well. He would cry at the news if a child got shot, and he cried when his hideous P daughter's boyfriend beat her up. He cried when his mommy was sick, and he cried after he dumped me because I won't be "friends" with him. He LOST me...boo, hoo, hoo, hoo! Xnh only "cried" when it was convenient for himself. If he could cry to pretend that he is "sorry" for some reason, then out come the tears. If it didn't benefit him to be "sorry", I'd never see a single shred of emotion about his behavior. He'd find some way to gaslight, project his actions, or simply re-write history so that whatever he'd said or done just never "existed". Tears on a narc is called "drama". Narcs feign emotions whenever it suits their needs. If they think it benefits them in some way to cry, they'll turn on those tears just like it's a faucet. They aren't feeling the emotion (though they can appear very convincing with their theatrics). The same applies to ALL emotions. They turn on charm, sadness, depression, happiness, sympathy...whatever they think is most useful at the moment. Xnh's hideous P daughter is exactly like xnh in this way. She would whip out those tears when she thought it would get what she wanted. However, whenever I would look at her and say, "Don't even bother turning on that spigot. It's not going to work.", she would turn them off just as fast as she'd turned them on, and then try another tactic to get her way. It is all a big act on their part. It's a convincing charade. Nothing more.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

#14 Mar 9 - 7AM

victimnomore

My NH

My NH cried for hours on the phone telling me how miserable he was. he really poured on the charm. When I let him come back home, right away he dogged me. He instantly forgot about the tears and how miserable he was without me. LOL!

victimnomore

#15 Mar 9 - 7AM

michele115 (not verified)

Trulybroken

The ladies pretty much summed it up here...Narcs have "emotions" when it benefits THEM... AND the "emotions" are not real emotions they are feigned emotions... They learn how to emulate emotion... The illness has a componnent of "detachment" probably an early coping mechanisim to abuse although we also have Narcs that were doted on and as a result have turned into these monsters... Whatever the reason for developing this illness...they according to the professionals do not have real emotions, they have built up a wall and feign emotions WITH THE EXEPTION of emotions that are TIED to the self. THEY feel sorry for themselves...they feel rage when they feel "triggered" by something...which doesn't have to have a "rational" basis... NOW...if you do have a strong suspicion that there are some kind of feelings going on...perhaps he's afflicted with another type of personality disorder? BUT either way, whatever the label...those with personality disorders are dangerous only because of the distorted way they view things, which in turn triggers their acting out and the acting out is what becomes harmful to us because essentially...you can't reason with "crazy" or "irrational" which is what leads to OUR going temporarily "insane"

#16 Mar 9 - 7AM

really

Fake!

I saw him cry two times, both for dramatic effect. The first was when he was talking about how his dad treated his mom. I believe his dad was a narc, based on my interaction with him - same charisma as his son, totally competition for attention, etc, etc. I think he did it to see how I'd react. The second time was a night that we went out with his sister. We got into a big religious conversation with he & I on the same side, her disagreeing. She got mad and left. He became concerned and thought we needed to look for her. We drove up and down the streets and checked other places in the area for at least a couple hours. I was totally triggered back to when my own sister took off when she was drinking (long story). He milked it for all it was worth. Turns out his sister was at home. By that time, he had called her friends and his parents saying he'd never heard her talk like this, was concerned about her harming herself. His sister is 49 and tough as nails. She has to be to deal with these people. We went out after it was all over and he ended up w/ croc tears flowing. I hugged him, but it felt like I was hugging a tree. Just nothing.

#17 Mar 9 - 6AM

Hunter

Tears

Ok, ideal is mad! F&$k them and their tears! How many tears have we all shed by their abuse! I wish mine would come back and cry, I'd give him somthing to cry about for real! Truly Broken what is your point? These men master manipulators, predators, their mission is cruel. Tears, rage, calm, it's all nuts! Honestly, I'm sick of feeling nuts because of one person and his disorder, awesome I've become educated on a topic I really care to have never known about! I hope they do feel when the river is raging! Right now I care for my self and you guys who are stuck here suffering because of a psychopath! Idealk

#18 Mar 11 - 12PM (Reply to #39)

justicejones

You go, IDEAL! This is a

You go, IDEAL! This is a subject I wish I knew nothing about as well! Arggggggh! These Narcs need their own island to be shipped to...

#19 Mar 11 - 12PM (Reply to #40)

Hunter

JJ

Agree! An island where they can cry all they want!!! Grrrrr!!! Have an Ideal Weekend!

#20 Mar 9 - 7AM (Reply to #37)

really

Ideal

It truly is one, big, f*cked up mess that we are all here commiserating. I NEVER wanted to know ANY of what I know now. I don't want to question everyone I meet. I don't want to look at the world through the grid/matrix/whatever you want to call it of narcissism. I feel like that's what life is going to be like. If it still is after 18mos, why would it be any different any further down the road?! I know too much and it makes me sick!

#21 Mar 10 - 4AM (Reply to #38)

Trulybroken

I can relate to this thread!

I can relate to this thread! We need to be deprogrammed from this insanity!

#22 Mar 9 - 7AM (Reply to #36)

Happy1

Ideal

I hear ya! I am done caring about my narc because he has fooled me no longer. I have been manipulated to think he cared and had feelings. It has taken a long time to come to grips with the fact that narcissists do no have true emotion like we do. They are great actors!! I feel bad for anyone that thinks otherwise.

#23 Mar 9 - 6AM

spinning

Tears poured out

at all kinds of things, especially when he thought I was changing the script. When he sobbed, he was truly wounded. It was frightening and hugely manipulative. It took the focus off of what was really going on and put the focus on calming him down, soothing him and making his poor sorry self feel better, which of course being a person who believes in looking at all beings with the eyes of compassion I did. Whatever. His tears cost me a great deal. Sincerely spinning

spinning

#24 Mar 9 - 6AM (Reply to #33)

IncognitoBurrito

Spinning!

Yes! It's devastating to see someone you love, so down and out! Sets my warmth and empathy off immediately! (*still need BOUNDARIES in place there.) I've never faked tears. I'm emotionally honest. I assumed everyone was. For all the dysfunction I grew up in, I still managed to maintain this view of the world as a vast, beautiful place. I never imagined that the monsters lived outside of my bedroom closet! Does this mean Narcs are good actors? Is that an across the board thing?

#25 Mar 9 - 6AM (Reply to #34)

spinning

Incog, for what it's worth

the disordered one I was involved with was an actor who had done work on radio and when we first met was involved in community theater (which he quit, of course, because it wasn't all about him). He was exceedingly talented at immitating voices, accents, postures, personas. He should be, I suppose, as he has been wearing a wide variety of masks his whole life. I send you a hug and good vibes. Sincerely (determined to stop) spinning

spinning

#26 Mar 9 - 6AM

IncognitoBurrito

Truly Broken

I think the posts before mine, are accurate. My narc was quite capable of a whole host of emotions. Like the turbulent sea. Happy, sad, mad, you name it. I mistook it for depth of emotion, sincerity. I felt I could relate with the rollercoaster of emotions he'd express. He was in love with his own pain. He held onto it the way a child clings to his/her security blanket. Or, maybe, that's a bit cold, and I don't give him enough credit. I don't know, still up in the air about him. I only saw my N father cry ONCE. Total meltdown! This was when my mother asked for a divorce, and he was trying to manipulate ME into convincing HER to stay. Of course, when she wouldn't budge, he was all the more bitter and abusive toward me. He said it was my fault they divorced! I was 13.

#27 Mar 9 - 5AM

Happy1

trulybroken

I think they feel when it has to do with how something affects them. It's all about them! That's how I feel about it. My narc would get more emotional about losing a posession than if something happened to me.

#28 Mar 9 - 5AM (Reply to #26)

Goldie

Yes, yes, yes

You just summed it up beautifully Happy. That is the key to determining whether or not it is real. Are they crying because they are losing something or they just witnessed something which has happened to them in the past, or are they crying because they really care about the other person's well being and intend to DO SOMETHING about fixing it or changing it? ACTIONS are the true lie detector. Goldie

#29 Mar 9 - 6AM (Reply to #30)

Happy1

thanks Goldie

It has taken a lot for me to realize and come to terms with this. 8-)

#30 Mar 9 - 5AM (Reply to #27)

Trulybroken

Hmmmmmm !something to think

Hmmmmmm ! something to think about. I mean, when I see someone sad let's say at the loss of a loved one, I won't/can't cry. When someone I love dies, I am a mess. Maybe I'm "narcing" in that way, but I rarely cry when someone else is hurting. I cry for me!

#31 Mar 9 - 6AM (Reply to #28)

Goldie

Lol, we all have some Narc in us

We all have self centered components to our personalities, this is what makes us human. The issue is, does the relationship creates a situation where your needs are seldom met aside from the "honeymoon" stage when they are reeling us in? You bring up some great points. Goldie

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