mes6268's story

My soul mate

Well, I have been reading this website for 6-7 weeks. Listening, sharing occasionally. I finally just finished the path forward. I have to read it again to inprint it in my brain. So hear goes...

My NH (still married)was walking down the hall our senior year. I didn't know him but was instantly an 18 yr old girl attracted to a tall lanky guy. I asked who he was through my friend. She told me his name. We chatted in the halls a few times. It was prom season. He was supposed to ask me to it. I missed Monday because I was sick...he asked someone else! (Hello, red flag). We started dating anyways and he went with the other girl. Dated all summer. He went away to a small college; I stayed home and commuted to a campus near my home. We had instant love, attraction. He missed me, I missed him. He came home at semester. Went to my school. Things were great...but then he started to become needy as I would say back then. Wouldn't leave me alone. didn't want me to have friends. Only wanted to spend time with me. That didn't fly for me so we broke up a year later for a few months and got back together quickly. Stayed together for another 18 months and broke up. I always had this feeling he wanted me to be his mother....he has a good/bad relationship with her. It's on or off. We broke up for 5 years, went our own separate ways. Occassionally ran into eachother. Always had a deep connection and a definite attraction. I can honesty say I always loved him and somehow knew we'd be together. Just the timing wasn't right. I finished college, dated another guy for 5 years; he another girl for 5 years. Other guy and I broke up...mutual thing. Just wasn't meant to be

I met up with my NH the following summer with a group of friends. Instant attraction, love all the warm fuzzy feelings came back. We were married in a year Bought a house. In 05 we had our first son...08 our second son..09 twins.

Life was busy and chaotic. Me still working part-time, but went to full time when the twins were 6 months to help out financially and it was very hard for me to do everything. Wasn't getting much help from him as he was climing the corp. ladder at his job. Things were probably at our low point in our marriage. I thought it was just the business of our lives...the kids. This period would pass. I was feeling life was easier.

He woke up last Labor day and told me he didn't know if he loved me anymore and wanted to stay in the marriage. I said we have to fix this...what did I do. What can I do. I'm sorry. Please let's fix this. He did nothing. Quit sleeping with me. Partied every weekend (out of character for him). Worked late. He left the house in Oct. Said he couldn't do it anymore. Said he couldn't hurt me. this is when the D&D started in my opinion. He was mean, full of hatred. Actually told me on Thanksgiving he wanted to stop hating me. He said I neglected him, made him feel unappreciated, he submitted to me for 8 years, he didn't want anymore kids and then we had the twins, my parenting style sucked, I was boring in bed. Wouldn't do Marriage counseling. Came back the week of christmas...wanted to try. Went to MC. Was on the couch in 2 weeks. said he came back for the kids, only was here because he didn't want to go back to his parents. Couldn't agree to be monogomous if we separated again. He quit marriage counseling.

After 7 months of I don't love you, I don't have feelings for you....nothing has changed, I finally told him to just go. I couldn't take anymore. I'd be fine. He packed up his stuff and left. Through the weeks I decided to file for legal separation. To ensure the kids and I would be protected financially. I wasn't ready for to divorce. Still wanted to work this out. I love him damit!

That was 3 months ago. He lives in his parents basement. I am struggling with the NC because of the kids. I have to talk about them. But it always goes further and I allow it. The gaslighting, the spinning, the circles,the craziness from that man has driven me to almost insanity. I lost 45 pounds, people don't recognize me. I am getting better and know that something is off with him. He has a lot of issues with me. It's all me. He is fine.

I know that LC is the only way to go. I know that divorce is the only option. I know I will be ok. I know I have to protect myself and my kids.

I thought we had love. I thought love endures. I was totally wrong. He only loves himself, his Blackberry, his job and his things. In hindsight, this is 50/50. Never did I see it while married.

I am on the path forward. I am going to heal. Thanks for listening.

MES6268