Mirror Men

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#1 Mar 30 - 8PM
Anonymous (not verified)
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Mirror Men

by Roger Melton, M.A., L.M.F.T., CEAP (Retired)

At his core, every Controller is monumentally self-centered. He is not just on an ego trip. He is on an expedition.

In his mind, everyone orbits around him, as if people are his planets and he is their shining sun. What he wants he should have, simply because he wants it. He needs no other justification. Seeing himself as the center of everyone else's universe, he is blind to the fact that anyone else's wants or needs are more important than his own. Doggedly locked into this self-image of grand, "godlike" proportions, he may literally feel entitled to other's worship.

It is as if these kind of men view reality from inside a strange, transparent fortress, whose walls are both shield and golden mirror. Hardened against the truth of the world outside himself, this psychological citadel resists seeing things as they really are. Like mental bulletproof-glass, these opaque fortress walls deflect any words or actions from others that might threaten his perfect "godlike" image of himself. Everything is perceived through this armored, shining shell, and the world must always treat him as if he were golden. And failure to worship at his shrine can be devastating.

At one end of this egotistical continuum are publicly notorious "charismatic leaders"--the Caesars, Hitlers and Saddam Husseins of the world--that represent the severe end of self-centeredness gone violently berserk. They see themselves as "entitled" to dominate or destroy millions, simply because they can. But Controllers that most women encounter rarely look as obvious as an Adolph or Saddam, or become as lethal. Instead of striving to conquer nations, these narcissistic "little dictators" must limit themselves to conquering you.

But what exactly is "narcissism," in terms of being a Controller? And what is the surest way to spot this self-adoring manipulator?

In a Narcissistic Controller's mind, everyone and everything orbits around him, as if people are his planets and he is their shining sun. What he wants, he should have, simply because he wants it. Greed is at the core of his being, but it is greed based more on attention than ownership. He may own a few things, or many, but his primary reason for "owning" anything--including you--is to display his sense of self-induced superiority.

Although such an individual is usually not physically or sexually abusive, he is a master at inflicting psychological, emotional and spiritual damage on others. This type of Controller is incapable of needing anyone but himself, and it is that rigidly fixated belief which lies behind the lordly attitude that dwells in him. It is as if these kinds of men see reality from inside a strange, transparent fortress, whose walls are both shield and mirror. Like mental bulletproof glass, these opaque psychological walls deflect any words or actions from outside him that might threaten his perfectly idealized, "godlike" self-image. And his mannerisms and behaviors reflect his own shining image.

He seems to stand out in a crowd, as if under a spotlight. He acts as if people aren't just watching him--they're adoring him. If you are within earshot, or he engages you in a conversation--which he will, if you can draw other's attention to him--pay close attention to his facial expressions when he mentions those whom he like and dislikes. Listen to how he talks about himself and others. Possessive arrogance characterizes him when he likes someone, as if he personally owns him or her. When he says something good about someone, he tends to say only good things about those whom he perceives as admiring him. Look for intense expressions of disdain toward those whom he dislikes, who will have failed to pander to his sense of self-centered specialness.

When talking about himself, everything he thinks, feels and does, sounds as if it must be important. Nothing is insignificant about a Narcissist, to a Narcissist. Regardless of what position he holds at his job, he is always better at it than anyone else. Whether a company's janitor or chief executive officer, he always conveys a sense of himself as superior to his peers.

When speaking of his family or friends, it sounds like he could be describing expensive cars, clothes, stereos or jewelry. People are possessions to a Narcissistic Controller, useful unto the degree that they make him look good to others and himself. They can be ignored, demeaned or discarded whenever they fail to make him shine.

The quickest and crudest way to confirm that someone is a Narcissistic Controller is simply to marry him. Unfortunately, this actually is the first moment when the narcissistic spell is broken and a woman realizes that Mr. Right is actually Mr. Wrong. If it were simply a manner of recognizing signs of self-centered arrogance, it would be a piece of cake to avoid this kind of man's clutches. But many Narcissistic Controllers possess a subtle weapon: charm.

Most people strive to be socially charming, but this is not the kind of charm displayed by a Narcissistic Controller. The manipulative impact of narcissistic charm is not intended to ease social connectedness. It is designed to establish social dominance. Instead of stimulating thought and interaction, it tends to lull or paralyze the mind. The Random House Dictionary defines charm's essence as, " . . . A power of pleasing or attracting, as through personality or beauty; to act upon (someone or something) with or as with a compelling or magical force . . .." It is this feeling of being acted upon--or controlled--which can initially hint that you are dealing with narcissistic control. It feels intensely charming. You feel gripped by it, instead of eased by it. Other signs can indicate the presence of narcissistic control, as well.

Displaying disdain and contempt for those whom he believes have betrayed him can confirm signs of narcissistic control. But betrayal, to a Narcissist, differs from what normal people experience.

For most people, betrayal usually means a deep violation of trust inflicted by someone with whom a close, personal relationship exists. But, to a Narcissistic Controller, betrayal simply means that someone stopped pandering to his every want and need. In other words, when someone breaks away from his control, he feels betrayed. Since Narcissists do not have the capacity to develop close, trusting personal relationships, there can be no deep violation of real trust.

When a Narcissistic Controller feels betrayed, contempt dominates his facial and verbal expressions. The insolent, aloof sneer commonly accompanies expressions such as, "He didn't know who he was dealing with!" Or, "Doesn't he know who I am?" His real complaint--if he had the ability to see it--should be, "Don't you know who I think I am?"

This is not an exhaustive description of Narcissistic Controllers. It is the basics--the essentials. If you believe that you are already locked into a business or personal relationship with this kind of man, a later part of this series will explain suggested ways to deal with him. But if you have recognized the features of someone like this man, and you are feeling caught inside his spell, ask yourself a question: What part of me needs this man, so that I can feel good about myself?

All types of Controllers capitalize on manipulating that part in anyone which lacks self-esteem. Essentially, they feed off our uncertainties about our selves. Find that shy, heart-broken or traumatized part of yourself and make friends with it. Get close to it, and it will help protect you from his deceptions, deceits, and ultimately, his inevitably egotistical scorn.

http://www.obgyn.net/young-woman/young-woman.asp?page=/yw/articles/Romeo...

Nov 30 - 2PM
terri
terri's picture

Question of the day

"But if you have recognized the features of someone like this man, and you are feeling caught inside his spell, ask yourself a question: What part of me needs this man, so that I can feel good about myself?" This was the most compelling part of the article for me. This question will be my "work" for the months going forward. I think finding the answer to this question for myself will be the key to unlocking the "why" - why did I stay with him when the red flags starting flying; why did I blame myself; why did I keep going back; why did I love him; It's like I read on another forum posting today - I'm bored with trying to figure HIM out. Now I want to start looking into my own psyche to figure out how I ended up with a narc and how I became entranced for so long. Thanks for posting this article - whoever posted it. Lots of good food for thought!

Believe in yourself!
Terri

Nov 30 - 4PM (Reply to #13)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

The narc is the actor , he

The narc is the actor , he became everything you wanted in a man and he did this with an agenda ... its important not to be too hard on youre self finding the reason why you fell for it , you feel for it because he wanted you to . Sure there is work to be done on our selves but lets not take our eye off the ball on who was really to blame here . Our crime was to take someone at face value and although in hindsight we all had the red flags , what we also had was a wonderful feeling that we had met out soul mate which was reinforced periodoclly in between the abuse . We where not in our "right minds" so we can not judge ourselves too harshly . We need to read about why a narc would want us in the first place , the narc only chooses the best of people to be his victums .. See why would someone who thought they where god trouble themselves with the "hoy polloy "... We had something they wanted ,something they aspired to have ... lets not forget that with our self analysis ... xx
Nov 30 - 6PM (Reply to #14)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

I told the ex-P to take up acting...

Once I had him backed into a corner and admitted that it was all an act. All he could say was "You don't appreciate my masks!" I let him know I didn't. I told him that teachers aren't supposed to be deceitful, cruel bullies-basically, I told him he was failing as a human and as a teacher. He saw himself as a role rather than a human being, and he admitted that he didn't respect students as humans. I told him those were his PROBLEMS. I doubt many talent agencies in LA would want to take on a paunchy middle-aged guy with awful tooth decay. He's the same age as Colin Firth, but he is no Colin Firth. At the time, I was a student with potential. I hadn't accomplished ANYTHING. But now that I've accomplished things... all the better to rub in his face! Normal teachers don't take their former students' successes as Narc injuries, but I know he does. I mentioned my accomplishments because I know he lacks the ability to congratulate me on them.
Nov 29 - 5PM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

This is what we are dealing

This is what we are dealing with .. xx
Apr 18 - 8PM
azucar
azucar's picture

Thanks for posting

Reading this information really helps stenthen my resolve and the closure I am trying to work out for myself, since I know will never get any kind from my N.
Apr 18 - 5PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Mirror Men

READ TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
Apr 18 - 6PM (Reply to #9)
Introspection
Introspection's picture

Thanks for resurfacing this article...

Now that I've been reading about Ns seems like a lot of people have the majority of these characteristics; it was to the point that I thought I was one and even took a personality test...I am really confused! They are hard to spot but thanks to this article, I feel that I'll be better able to identify them. Don't want to make the same mistake again and REALLY would hate to marry one of them. Scary world!
Jan 14 - 1PM
Klarity Belle
Klarity Belle's picture

Bingo!

My ex N and co-parenting disaster to the letter! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran

"That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung

http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

Jan 14 - 4PM
itreallyisabouthim
itreallyisabouthim's picture

That resonated with me in so

That resonated with me in so many ways. The part about how narcs don't need anybody but themselves brought up for me a moment of clarity I had when I had first met my STBX - one that I should have listened to. I was starting to like him and be drawn in by him but I remember telling my friend that I felt "off balance" around him. I was trying to figure out if I liked it or not. It felt sort of heady and fun, like being in a foreign country. I tend to like culture shock. On the other hand, who wants to be off balance all the time? An hour or so later I was talking on the phone to this STBX of mine, and a thought drifted through my consciousness: "If I ever went away he wouldn't care" or something to that effect. My intuition was trying to scream at me that there was something missing in this man. Also the title of the piece, "Mirror Men". My STBX used to say "We're all stuck in a hall of mirrors". Really? All of us? Looking at this again, this line is now cracking me up: Don't you know who I think I am?"
Jan 14 - 8AM
4joys4
4joys4's picture

This is an excellent

This is an excellent article. My abuser's charm was so thick. I saw it draw me in and also witnessed it from the outside as he used it with others. Within the charm are lies. About himself and those who he proclaims in the past victimized him. He works by attending to you like no one else has. You are his world. He wants you to believe that. That you are the most beautiful, kindest, smartest etc person he's ever met. When he meets you he puts on a happy grin that goes ear to ear. He listens to your every word. Agrees with everything you say and understands you like no other. Yes, Mr Charming...red flag! I have witness over and over again how Mr Charming turns into a raging Narc. Yes, marry him and immediately you will see the transformation. You are nothing now. He has you. You are his possession.And if you defend yourself or speak a word about his behavior, you have now become someone to abuse. He will get even with you for what he sees as criticism and betrayal. I've seen the narc do this with his own daughter and grandchild. He abuses her and when she speaks up she is now going to be punished. Anything he did he will not take responsibility for. His abuses are "oversights". But now the punishment. And it is the harshest thing you can witness. He hurts her and angers her and throws her aside like garbage because she doesnt adore him or think he is perfect. And he must see himself that way. He will do this to his 3 year old grandchild as well. He will say he doesnt like the little brat anyway. What does he expect from a toddler and how can he punish a little baby? But he does. And its all a game to him where he has to win. We will never get anywhere with a narc. He will never change and will always abuse.
Jan 14 - 7AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Narcissists: The 'Mirror'Men

READ TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Sep 11 - 7AM
admin
admin's picture

narcissistic controller

SEE TOP POST
Jun 15 - 7PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

the mirror man

~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Oct 17 - 10PM (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

narcissistic controller

SEE TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.