Missing him

23 posts / 0 new

#1 Aug 6 - 3PM

Scoop

Missing him

Damm it in the last couple of days i have been missing my narc , its like a pull , i feel like i am being pulled towards him if that makes sence . I have read my book of all the things he said and done but i cant seem to find anger at the moment . Im thinking what it would be like to see him and have his arms around me agin and its very hard to get that piture out of my head and the feeling that brings . Its neaarly 6 months no contact , i have so much to look foward to but i cant move on theses feelings of missing him are over whelming . i helped my friend move today and he had my narc shirt and he handed it to me and i wanted to sniff it , i touched it and looked at it and all these feelings where there i wanted to burst into tears.
When do theses feelings go away .It feels like i have come full circle .
Scoop

#2 Aug 8 - 7PM

Susan32

Nothing but anger...

I don't miss my ex-P. There are times when I'd looove to rage at him, but that would do nothing. He'd probably enjoy it. But I did tell him in so many words that he was his own best punishment. He doesn't need me to inflict the pain. I have to remind myself I'm so happy without him. He's no longer around criticizing my food, criticizing me, begging me to drop my friends&family... but oh, I'd love to tell him how HAPPY I am, because he's incapable of enjoying happiness. It's like dangling sugary chocolates in front of a diabetic. Whenever I was happy, it pained my ex-P. Perhaps by now my happiness would be his ultimate violation. I did not die. I did not end up in a madhouse. I am no longer depressed. I am not the failure he wanted me to be. My happiness IS my revenge, after all those knives in my back...

#3 Aug 8 - 7AM

helldweller

Scoop

I stil have the shirt too.

#4 Aug 8 - 7AM

helldweller

Oh, Scoop

I'm waiting for this, too. I know the day is coming when he does have a new girlfriend or when I actually get proof that there has been one. I am scared of my reaction, too. But I would agree that you have a lot ahead on her being six months away from him, when she is just dropping into the hole. Remember that g*d d*amned hole? You are still climbing out of it, but remember how deep it was, Scoop? Do you want to go back down there with her? I agree, too, that the thing that stinks is that it might be a long time before she gets thrown out. Just live your life and bide your time. Focus on your amazingly fabulous life--you made it wonderful, and you are wonderful!

#5 Aug 7 - 2PM

Scoop

Ok i had a double wammy

Ok i had a double wammy today , i had it confirmed that he was seeing someone else , i know her she is kind and nice (not as pretty as me thank god , sorry for being big headed but a girl has to grab what she can at times like theses)Please tell me he will do to her what he did to me , please tell me the honeymoon period will not last , what if she is the kind of girl who will put up with all his shit , what if she doesnt care about him and dose the dirty on him , what if she breaks his heart and will all ways be the special one . I feel sick to my stomach tonight . She was at a festerval i was at , i didnt see her but she must have seen me as it was only a tiny festerval , we know each other she would have come over to say hi . so smug , like the cat thats got the cream and me once again crying over my computer .

#6 Aug 8 - 12AM (Reply to #19)

Steph

Ah, that is such a crappy

Ah, that is such a crappy place to be emotionally:( Sorry you are experiencing this now. He WILL treat her just as badly. And even if she puts up with it (we all did), he will get bored or find something else wrong with her and dump her. Take some comfort in knowing that not only are you prettier than she, but also, you are 6 months ahead of her in being rid of him:)

#7 Aug 7 - 3PM (Reply to #18)

Janet

Trust me she is not getting

Trust me she is not getting "the cream". It stings, I know first hand, but of course he will be a jerk to her too. Let this be your turning point. You are prettier (hey, it is okay to feel schadenfreude about this - my situation too) take that and keep your dignity. The thing is it might last days, weeks, months or years. My exN is still with her and that is 8 months (she moved in with him 2nd month). At first I thought that maybe she was more zen like and patient than me; or more fun; or...you name it. I always "looked" happy in photos but was so miserable if I had only been able to see clearly. You will be okay, it really hurts the ego. But it simply is not about you or the new girl. The creeps just take what they can get from the what they see as the most useful source of supply. You are a human being not his supply!!! You KNOW, in your heart of hearts. Be true to yourself. Peace. J

Peace. J

#8 Aug 7 - 2PM (Reply to #17)

Used

dear scoop

dear scoop she wont be the one who breaks his heart, he hasent got one to break, if any could it would have been you, your precence on this board always brings a smile to my face ,when i see that little sock, i know where you are coming from about a bad day, iam too, i dont think the rain is helping, but this i need to say, i dont believe he will ever find a girl like you again, there is something in your post,s that tells me what a good girl you are, and how you talk about him with such compassion and pity, he will never find someone like you again, i believe all on this board,s are ONE OFF,S, i realy mean that. even when we are slating them off, you can still feel how hurtful they were but still have pity on them, good luck love, getting thru tonite[and you will]and tomorrow is another day, and it will get better, get on your boat and dream you are going somewhere exotic. this will pass.xxxxxxxx

#9 Aug 7 - 2PM (Reply to #13)

Qing Yuan

Scoop...

oh mate, its rubbish. I dont know how much it must feel like you have so much to bare and then he dishes out some more crap for you to bare. Like they dont make you feel empty and crushed when there with you then they can pack in anotha heap of crap by rubbing your face in a new conquest. I feel for you honey... its rubbish... I can only speculate that this relationship will break down in one way or anotha. It might last longer, burn out quicker, who can be sure, but at some point it will break down. He wont just start being mr wonderful for her. NOT in less he has a total personality transplant.. Many woman date these guys, goin into new relationship think that the woman before was mental, she is told that the ex-girlfriend, is crazy... and she is told that she is different, she is told that she can soften and calm his broken heart. Aw diddums, its so touching.... But its anotha fake-ass game for them... She probabaly thinks that she can do something for him that you never did, that you were not capable of. And for a while she might do 'whatever' this may be for him, to secure his love, to make him happy.. after a while the 'give give give' of this dynamic will be just as it was for you. It depends how long it takes until she realises she is doing all the work and getting less back over time than she gives. Eventually he will get bored or she will either become as ugly as he makes her feel and leave her or she will just become bored of his fake games and flick him off. Either way if he is a narc, then its gona be hell for her at some point... Stay strong honey... Its just not easy to be on the recieving end of there bulls*it. My ex narc rubbed all his new girlfriends in my face.. When he met his model Korean skinny now-wife, he send me 3 pictures of her on my work e-mail... I was like 'oh she looks nice' feeling like hell because she was physically perfect and they were proper modelled shots. I mean what an ass.. It came over so innocent, but after years of making me feel fat and ugly he sent me them to really hurt me and to make his twisted idea of revenge, sweet... And it took me years and years to stop feeling 'needy' of him. Infact I still get my off days with this guy, we were togtehr for 7 years, but the 'programming' lessens over time and it if I can get over that one, then I cant get over anything. And If I can do that, then you can too hon.. Keep on keeping on... He treated you very badly. Dont think for one minute that he wont do this to her at some point... He will!!!! You know this.... He will become dissatisfied and disillusioned. He will debase her and bellittle her and mock her accomplishments. At the moment he is busy telling her her how amazing she is... how clever she is, how beautiful she is.. all the business. He is energised from her as 'new blood', she is energised from him because of the flattery and his infectious drive... Remember, its gona look better that it actually is, if you see them or hear about them right now... Its all still a frenzy of hormonal -brainwashing- engery. Its how this stuff works with narcs.. So dont take it too hard... just reign in your feelings, com here, and remember that it is very highly likley, that at some point it will come crashing down.. That is when they go back after the 'old ones who got away', its then you need to work your very hardest... My ex came ringing my bell in the middle of night after a split with woman he dumped me for. I didn't let him in. I had dreamed of it happening but I chose to not let him in... I was glad I did it but it was very hard to do.... Take care V

#10 Aug 7 - 6PM (Reply to #16)

Susan32

Unless she's also a Narc

My ex-P used his long-distance girlfriend from LA to further crush me after the D&D. After already engaging in public humiliation, "punishing" me for falling in love with him... he thought he could use her to rub her in my face. He had gone from telling me I didn't love my school because I loved him, that loving him overthrew the social order, caused destruction, that my love for him came from a lack of self-esteem, reducing me to tears... and then he flaunted her. The weird part? The OW looked JUST LIKE ME. We only had a height difference, she was a more masculine woman (she basically had a crew cut like him), and wore retro-style glasses. He didn't act physically affectionate with her at all. As soon as she introduced herself to me... he bolted. He didn't try to save face at all. He didn't bother introducing her to his colleagues. She had to run down the stairs to catch up with him. I felt bad for her. I was expecting the OW to be supermodel beautiful... not a geeky girl like myself. So it was odd. I felt like I had met my twin sister. If he had done the "I've found a hottie, unlike you" it would've been understandable-he was sort of a somatic narcissist. If he had publicly made out with her, it would've been an understandable part of his mind games. One of my friends told me "Don't be jealous of her, after what he did to you." THAT was difficult. Jealousy is normal. Jealousy is natural. She also speculated that the OW might be a Narc herself... in other words, he would've found someone compatible. But can 2 Narcs get along?

#11 Aug 7 - 3PM (Reply to #14)

Scoop

vix

Vix i remember the slow chipping away at me , he will do this to her but at the moment she is buzzed up with all the hormones .... I remember his sexual problem ,premature ejaculation the werst i have ever known , despite this i fell for him because he did such a number on me he knew he had to work fast , .... I know what he is saying to her and how he is making her feel , she will be walking on air .... and she is hoping the sexual problem will get better if only she makes him feel secure , she has proberly trolled the internet for tips on how to cure it lol ... ok .... its funny ... i would like to say to her "it wont get any better and in the end he will give you a 3 second fuck and say that he can get that anywhere , you are just a fuck to me darling and dont forget it "... this is not funny . I remember the first time the mask slipped , she has that shock to deal with , the public humilation oh my she has this to deal with ... but at the moment he is re hashing all his storys where he is the unasuming hero puke puke and also all the bad childhood storys this could go on for some time if i was to give advice to her it would be hold on tight ... come see me when its over and i will direct the girlfriend to this site . Im pissed off that with all the other stuff i should be consentrating on with my healing this has forced its self to be a pirorty .... Oh Vix .. it sucks ....

#12 Aug 7 - 3PM (Reply to #15)

Qing Yuan

I know hon but ur doin so good...

Dont let this set back ruin all YOUR good work... I can hear that you know he is full of sh*t. Remind yourself over and over... He is FULL OF SH*T... His sexual dysfucntion will get worse woman to woman... I guess the longer he keep thinking a new woman can help him function better the longer it will go on for.. He is giving her his sob story and banging on about himself. She loves that stuff right now... It wont be long before she notices she has heard alot more about 'poor' him and she will see that he will get tired about hearing anything about her... These guys don't change. No woman has the magic wand to turn these guys into a prince, no matter who they are or what they do.. I am pretty sure of that... Stay strong. Be beautuful... AND dont think of this as 'not healing' or that your not concentrating on your healing... ... This is part of it.. every tiny morsel of work that you do that helps you to frame and undertsand this stuff is healing, little step by little step... It's about endurance. Like running. some days I can run for an hour. Some days I cant even run ten minutes but every step is moving forward... and at least I am trying to get to the finish... whether I am running joggin or dragging my sorry a$$... You just need to be kind to yourself right now.. Its hard. Other people who have not gone thru this, just dont know, but we do... Stay as strong as you can honey... thinkin of ya.. xxxx

#13 Aug 7 - 12PM

Qing Yuan

I miss him 2, but with a 'clear head' I can see its not real!!

Oh Scoop hon... I totally understand... I cant believe it. I was doing so fine too. I felt repulsed by him. annoyed by him. irriated by him to the max... Then a few nights a go I had a very drunken night out with some friends who were well on it. I was feeling bit reckless in ther company.. And I snogged and 'nearly' got giggy with a guy.... ooops.. I dont really much like this guy either. He is not my type, talks way too much, interrupts poeple when they are speaking and I think he is a narc too. Im not a narc right but I dont fancy him really either so I was being well out of order on all levels.. I felt pretty bad next day.. And I thought "OMG, I would have been better snogging my narc husband than snogging some bloke who is a even more wierd very geeky cerebral narc... what was I thinking??? I mean I though I would get treated the same and at least it might be better to stick the devil you know.. THIS IS OF COURSE DANGEROUS THINKING. Both and all forms of evil, whether I know them or not, will be my down fall... I see that now.. Snoggin a random wierdo in comparison to snoggin my ex is about on par.. BOTH DUMB and both dangerous.. I have been goin to the gym, going to Kung fu. Been feeling pretty great really.. I wish I didnt get so down sometimes and use drink to cover up what is really goin on with me.. I have been training, gardening, gettting healthier and then I go out, drink too much and then behave a little crazily.. I wish I didnt because when I am knocking them back I am loosing, bit by bit 'the strength' and 'hope' I am buidling in myself. Yea dangerous stuff and it makes me get weak for my ex.. drink.. PAH! I was drunk when I came home and seudced him those weeks ago cos he was baby sittitng in my house.. Scoop, I think we both agreed that when we see them, we want them badly or you said you used to get that feeling alot then.. Its how they have us trained I guess. After my first ex narc, I never stoped feeling that for about 8-10 years after we broke up. We even had physical encounters in my dreams.. It was so deeply engrained!!!!! I get this stuff now.... But man I started missing him. Really badly. I even though it was all me yesterday... and that I have the capability of 'changing me' enuff and that would sort out our problems. WTF.. So I wanted to see him and be with him. I mean man he never listens, he talks about himself, he is rude, selfish, patronising, offensive. He lies, he connives, he changes his mind and the rules at his ever changing whim. he puts me down, he makes me cry and then is even meaner, he is driven by money, power, status, accumulation of expesive stuff, looks etc... He does all this. I know the logic, the theory but when it comes to it, I still love him and still fancy him absoulty rotten. I love the way he feels naked next to me, the way he smells, I am utterly brainwashed by his sexuality and his physical attractivness. I dont even know if other woman see him like I do. My friends think he average but to me I think he is very very hot.. So I get it. I really do.. In fact I came on line today to say 'help all.. I miss him...' and then I saw your message, I saw EWA had left a message to say that she too was feeling the same pull at this time.... and I realised that maybe we all have been so deeply brainwashed that it really never goes away without the space and time it needs to re-programme our minds. We are living human sexual vibrant beings. WE long to be held to be touched. We remember the intimacy when it did come. We recall the tenderness they first used to get us hooked. We fall into the thinking that recalls the postives and somehow negates the negative stuff. Its part of survival to frame and maintain the good things in life and to force the negative memories into boxes that we do not visit that much.. SO we can look at all the bad stuff these guys do or have done but its will be framed againts the background of all the great times that we hold so dearly.. all to do with how oxytocin works and the brainwashing... and somehow we allow the negaitve stuff to fade into a distant insignificance. I mean I hated him, absolutely hated him sometimes. He made me so angry and hurt.. and so humilated and distraught but today I still wana feel him next to me, look in his eyes and tell him I love him.. Its nuts, just nuts... but we have to just keep up the distance and then one day we will be able to look back and hold our heads up high knowing we respected ourslelves enough not to go backwards here. More hurt? More pain, more bitter disapointment....??? No lets not go there!!! But I get it I really do.. I was feeling this so badly this weekend about it... It hurts to want someone so much who is really not good for us. Its crazy right? Good luck with this hon.. I hope you move into the next phase of healing. Remember this is part of the healing process. It will be painful and we may even make the odd few mistakes and 'step back's' before we get to that real deep inner healing but in the mean time, forgive yourself, its not your fault you feel this way... We chose these guys because they had 'something' that we were mesmerised by. Its still there, it will be there for some time while they have the ability to cultivate it.. "looks, muscles, a tan, clever conversation, whatever" its what they cultivate to get other woman. Other sources of supply, when you finally see through that, which you will in time, it will not feel the same, I feel sure of that!!! God I think my Kung Fu teacher is a hotty dream-boat... but man he is an obviuos narc.. Its time to begin to recognise the pull of these types of guys and the tactics that they use and then get on with life being able to see through it and then I think you the draw these guys have on us will not be as strong or as intense. Probably the monent we receive true intimacy and true reciprocated love with someone who is capable, then, we will not look back?! Good luck Scoop.. xx

#14 Aug 7 - 9AM

almostlydia

scoop

I hope you are feeling better today. I miss mine too some days but what I miss is the perfect picture I had and the one he painted for me. I miss the 'connection', the companionship, the sleeping like spoons. But then I remember what I don't miss, the agony of knowing he is lying in order to have his 'booty call' that he can't NOT have, forgetting who I am to him when he's in the midst of another game of pursuit, the constant horrible suspicion, insecurity, and inability to figure reality from the fiction. These things that were just too much to bare and costly to my soul. These things that do not belong in any relationship much less one that is suppose to be about love. I also realize that all of those things I miss are not about him at all but about what I'm missing in my life right now - a good man who is real. I hesitate to say much more because I'm not sure that my situation has left me in the same place as many here. I still have the same pain but when I found out that the OW was actually an OM, everything changed for me. All that sleeping together and everything else that I loved disappeared forever. So maybe I am lucky in that regard. I have no unfinished business with mine. It's ok to miss something that once meant sooo much. It wouldn't be human not to. It lessens in time. You are not going full circle but in a straight line forward that has ups and downs. Stay strong. We're all with you.

almostlydia

#15 Aug 7 - 2PM (Reply to #10)

Scoop

almostlydia

The thing is i do have a good man who is real , he wants to move in with me on the boat , he has an excelent job he is really hot . , he is kind and loving and has wated for me since christmas , he was the reason me and narc split up but i have been so hard on him , i couldnt give him anything and he has chased and chased me damm it i have proberly lost him too now "nothing was lost that wasnt gained".. Shakespeare...thats how i have to feel today i guess . I just feel like crap .

#16 Aug 7 - 9AM

naivenomore

A better day, I hope!

Please post and tell us you're doing something exciting on your boat today! You have been such a source of encouragement whenever I read your comments on this Board and laughed a lot at the way you put in the Britishisms. I need to know that you're feeling better today!

#17 Aug 6 - 11PM

betty2020

Scoop honey i lost your

Scoop honey i lost your email. Could you contact me...jnxoxo20@yahoo. xoxoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#18 Aug 6 - 10PM

broken23

scoop darling I think me and

scoop darling I think me and you are on the same time frame trajectory more or less. 5 months for me. Well for starters throw the shirt away, no sniffing! It is hard. Some days I really miss him and with time passing its like the bad memories become more distant and I want to remember the good times I think janet is right. we have to feel the pain or else we get into magical thinking. If you cant feel your own, just come on the board and read what the ladies who are not in NC stage are going through...it helps my head get straight. xo

#19 Aug 6 - 5PM

betty2020

I know your in pain today

I know your in pain today honey. Janet is right though. If your remain no contact you will lessen this time of grief. lots of love...xoxoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#20 Aug 6 - 4PM

Janet

You have to feel the pain

You have to feel the pain and go through the feelings. It is a very painful process, but with NC gets easier. For those of us who have maintained NC for long enough clarity comes and I do not want that guy back anymore. You can only get to the other side by enduring the pain and doing what you KNOW is best for yourself. Wish it were easier but it just isn't. Do it today for you. One day at a time...al anon stuff you know... Peace. J

Peace. J

#21 Aug 6 - 4PM

Janet

You have to feel the pain

Peace. J

#22 Aug 6 - 11PM (Reply to #2)

Make a list of the things

Make a list of the things you don't miss & post it somewhere. Yes, I get a thought about my xN--what could have been. Then I remind myself of his debt, failing business, the way he treated me.....I no longer have that drama.

#23 Aug 8 - 9AM (Reply to #3)

alma25

.

Today I miss him so much that it hurts, it hurts me so much that I can't even remind myself all the things he did to me.It's too difficult to deal with it.

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