"Mourning the Man he wanted you to fall for"

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#1 Feb 20 - 1PM
neverlookback
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"Mourning the Man he wanted you to fall for"

Thank you Sundaysmile for inspiring me to address this huge part of the recovery. I dont know why this part has taken so long to catch up to me; perhaps I was SO focused on what the real man was that I ignored and forgot along the way the prince he initially was. That is a good thing; but it comes back to bite you in the ass because part of this trauma for me at least was waking up and realizing I was giving my love, heart and soul to a monster.

What happens in a relationship with such disordered people is the longer you stay the less crumbs you receive, and when they do throw you a crumb you scurry around trying to collect them as if they are gold nuggets or something. However, to me they were gold; they were little pieces of the man he once was for me and I loved every single crumb he threw me. For a good four years I just collected pieces of the original man he was. I was loving something that was not whole - it was FOOLS GOLD, all those little pieces kept me fooled for so long.

They all crumble eventually to everyone who loved them..."all the kings horses and all the kings men could not put humpty dumpty back together again" He shattered into a million pieces over the course of those six years and so did I.

We can never put them back together in the form they came to us as, all we can do is put ourselves back to who we once were.. that's what I am working so hard to do -x0

Feb 22 - 10PM
Krooks
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I had a very interesting

I had a very interesting conversation abt this recently -- abt the man I fell in love with. I'll try to summarize briefly here in the hopes of doing it justice -- in my understanding (& certainly w my N) a N does not feel. As such what he mirrors back at you in those early days of glory is all of the love and goodness in your own heart and way of being. He does not know love - and so what I believe we all fell in love with was an idealic version of ourselves how we dream ourselves to be in some way played out in front of us by these sick men. .... My point being, & a major transition in what has begun to allow me to move on from my N, we don't need to get over the man we thought we fell in love with. We fell in love with what we love in ourselves and want in another - and deserve! What I for one need to get over is quite different - its the association of him as "that guy" -- it's the brainwashing that he did each and every step along the way, starting before day one when he learned everything he cld abt what I wanted & pretended to be "that guy" ... I think the distinction I make for myself is important here because it has allowed me to at least try to have some hope. Something I have been devoid of for the last 3 years. Some hope that I will be okay one day, that I will find the woman I once was that was capable of having dreams without the fear that now follows each tiny glimmer of one, the woman who believed in love and felt deep down that waiting to find Mr. Right was worth it...
Feb 22 - 11PM (Reply to #29)
neverlookback
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Krooks

This is by far the most beautiful narrative of "mirroring" I have ever read, and it touched me deeply!!!! It is in those moments that bring a tear that I know I am reaching another level of my healing, and reaching a greater understanding of this whole experience. There were a numerous amount of responses to this post and I believe it is due to the fact this is the core/pain of the trauma that causes us the most psychological harm from a pathological. Your perspective was so clearly stated. "We dont need to get over the man we fell in love with" because we basically fell in love with what WE saw in ourselves that he mirrored. They have no choice because of their disorder to mirror others; since he lacks human qualities and/or traits from within to love and connect to others in a sincere manner. They held up that mirror in front of us, and as much as we wished they could have loved us in return, they showed us our true wonderful selves with that mirror. I believe with all my heart we WILL be ok one day because we will take with us that same woman we were when we entered the relationship, she is still there under all those wounds that need to heal. I can accept that it was only myself I fell in love with in this experience; I wont call it a relationship because it takes TWO for a relationship. I can accept that because then there is no loss with him to mourn. THank you for your beautiful narrative x0
Feb 22 - 10AM
Deidre40
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This is so beautiful and

This is so beautiful and poignant...thank you. I think for me...it's also...why did I accept crumbs? Why would I think I'm not better than that? :(
Feb 22 - 8AM
c_jennings
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Wise words...

My sister pointed out to me that i kept telling the same story over and over of this one dinner we went to with friends where my exN was so charming, clever and engaging. I then realized she was right and i was just using that one tidbit (and a couple other crumbs) to convince myself he was this amazing person he appeared to be at the beginning. It is so hard to let go of that promise and dream they gave you at the begining since they appeared to be all the things you were looking for and you thought this is FINALLY it...my other half. I read this about the mourning process and it really helped me: With the realization that forgiveness is necessary comes the loss of a dream. By forgiving you acknowledge that wholeness cannot be found or restored. The relaionship has proven to be incomplete and no effort you will make will remove the pain. Choosing to forgive implies that you recognise that broken feelings cannot be mended through normal channels of communications. Loose ends will always be a part to that relationship and the emotional debt that has accumulated will never be repaid. forgive yourself ;)
Feb 22 - 9AM (Reply to #26)
neverlookback
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Such wise wise words thank you

"Loose ends will always be a part to that relationship and the emotional debt that has accumulated will never be repaid." C-jennings, I think about that so much (in the above comment you expressed) how the victims struggle in such pain to try to figure out all the "loose ends" - it always comes back to the fact we were with someone that was simply NOT RIGHT and that is my closure. Disordered individuals leave disorder in their lives in their current behaviors and their past behaviors. The grave injustice of it all is that WE had to suffer because of THEIR illness, all victims do. Perhaps forgiveness also entails that we have accepted and we understand the nature of their disorder; there are no words he could ever offer me that would undo what he did to me. He owes emotional debts to many for what he does but it will never happen because he does not have the capacity. It was the loss of a dream THEY created for us, something they wanted us to believe and for awhile we did. Everyone will lose that dream with him x0x
Feb 21 - 12PM
TNR1
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Neverlookback....I used to

Neverlookback....I used to say that I was an expert on living on breadcrumbs while I fed him a feast.It is so good to hear you talk about the fact that you cannot fix him....he was broken at the time you met him...but boy did he put on a show..that initial mirroring that they do...wow...you never feel more intoxicated...and you are right, if you don't mourn the pretend man..it will come back to bite you. So good of you to recognize that and to recognize that you cannot do anything about him...but you can pick yourself up and put yourself back together. Also...remember, there is nothing wrong with loving someone. Love is a beautiful emotion and there isn't enough of it in the world. Make sure you give enough of it back to yourself now for all those times that he withheld love from you. HUGS.
Feb 21 - 9AM
onwithmylife
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nerverlook back

wonderfully written post, I too remember when he called me babe, it made my whole day , on the other hand when he would not answer his phone if he was mad at me for anything, it ruined my day! never again for us all to put all our power in someone elses hands, never..................it belongs with US
Feb 20 - 10PM
phantom adoration
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imagination

I pictured myself as I read your post running around picking up the crumbs of affection and I was smiling, so happy to get some. As you so aptly pointed out they were fewer and fewer and became precious to me. I would stash them away for those lean days when I would bring them out hoping they would ease the hurt caused by the increasing deprivation. Now that he is gone and no longer scattering the crumbs I realize they were at best stale and I am far healthier for no longer being dependent on them to survive. Just saying.
Feb 21 - 8AM
SundaySmile
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Thank you

Thank you. For writing this post. I found comfort and redirect of focus tonight in your concepts. Starving love out of a relationshit and spinning off crumbs, pieces & fragments. Not enough to sustain anything worth holding on to. Get out while you can and hang on to reality. Its is the only way to survive the agony of realizing the truth.
Feb 20 - 10PM
Sparrow
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This is a beautiful post! I

This is a beautiful post! I love reading your writings! Just beautiful! Thank you!
Feb 21 - 7AM (Reply to #17)
neverlookback
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Sparrow

You know, we should probably try to relate NC as more of those crumbs we are trying to gather. So many want to call just to get one more lousy STALE crumb - hoping to get a glimpse of what they once were to us; come on baby you know I missed you, you know I love you and for a day, a week we may get a HUGE STALE CRUMB, but it never lasts as we all know. It doesnt last because they are still who they are, so all they can do is play the man we want them to be We can never forget how deeply we loved that man but we can move on to someone who is able to give that love back. mmm a little birdie told me that x0x0
Feb 21 - 7AM (Reply to #18)
Sparrow
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It is so true! To love

It is so true! To love someone that doesn't exist is a waste of our love, don't you think? :)
Feb 21 - 7AM (Reply to #19)
neverlookback
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YES

I would be better off loving the prince from the story Cinderella - thats about how real it was to love my x path that never existed.
Feb 21 - 8AM (Reply to #20)
fallingfoward
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a love.....

that never existed, so hard to digest.....but the truth.
Feb 20 - 6PM
Run4it
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Sad to say, my N never was a "dream man"

I knew from the very beginning that something was very wrong with him. I think I projected all the "good qualities" onto him and he ran with it. I wanted those things and he never really possessed them.
Feb 20 - 2PM
Ophelia
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More than the Artificial Crumbs Man

I miss the me I was before I crossed his path, and I'm fighting like a bitch to get her back again.
Feb 21 - 5PM (Reply to #14)
carmie74
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I want me back too...

I too miss the person I was and I know it's going to take time to get her back. Just want to feel confident, worthy and just simply love myself again....this guy took all of this away from me. We will all get there eventually, but it's going to take time and lots of it.
Feb 20 - 3PM (Reply to #13)
ab683096
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That hits me really hard. I

That hits me really hard. I also miss the person I was before I crossed his path. I was truly happy. At least we can find comfort in the fact that the girls we were are still there, just buried really deep. We can get them back :)
Feb 20 - 2PM
Snowflake
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Miss mine

more than words can say.
Feb 20 - 1PM
fallingfoward
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You are so right

Neverlookingback, it was just fool's gold. I was with my narc for two years. I so angry today, I think I'm just dealing with that reality that the man I fell in love with, was just that fool's gold. It hurts like hell, and I too hung onto the crumbs he started handing me. I was always believing him, when he said things would change. Nothing would ever changed. I had to stop the relationship, I did, it hurts. I can't imagine the hurt I would have endured if I didn't. This whole process sucks, I do belive we will all be in a better place afterwards. I just wish I never met him.
Feb 20 - 2PM (Reply to #10)
neverlookback
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You go right ahead

and be angry, you have every right - but do remember how much more you would have suffered if you let the relationship continue - I was so bitter and angry for so long - I hated him because he was a psychopath and I hated the world because this happened to me and I never deserved it - It hurts very very deeply to end it I know, but you have to, these people are seriously seriously not right. I dont know what made my anger go away, it just slowly faded realizing that this is what he does to everyone, I was not the special exception - more than anything I released my deep anger and was so grateful I had the strength to get out and far away from this wacko.
Feb 20 - 1PM
Ophelia
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Fool's Gold

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFIMs-1W7W0 I suspect the late, beautiful Lhasa de Sala wrote this about an n in her life: Fool's Gold You told me that you'd stay with me And shelter me forever That was a hard promise to keep I can't blame you for the bad weather After all that has been said and done I won't ask you where you're going Don't keep in touch, I don't miss you much Except sometimes early in the morning Now use your silver tongue once more There's one thing that I�d like to know Did you ever believe the lies that you told? Did you earn the fool's gold that you gave me? I forgive you wanting to be free I realize you long to wander And I sympathize with your roving eyes I just can't forgive your bad manners Now use your silver tongue once more There's one thing that I�d like to know Did you ever believe the lies that you told? Did you earn the fool's gold that you gave me? Did you ever believe the lies that you told? Did you earn the fool's gold that you gave me?
Feb 20 - 1PM (Reply to #8)
neverlookback
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WOW

truer lyrics could not have been sung - you sure as hell dont strike gold with these individuals
Feb 20 - 1PM
Hunter
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This is an amassing

This is an amassing post.. Hunter
Feb 20 - 1PM
ACgirl
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Neverlookback, loved your Fools Gold

What a wonderful post your wrote. It was exactly what I needed to hear. You described exactly what I have been going through. I have known my narc for about 6 years too, and for the last 3 years he was throwing me "a crumb", a single lonely crumb and I ran for it, like it was the last crumb on earth. I did that because I was hoping that crumb would turn into a loaf of bread, but it never did. I was hoping that crumb would turn back into the man I thought he was. Even this morning, I woke up and felt so sad that I was fooled for so long. I read posts on this site every day and each day I am still amazed at how our stories are so similar. And I am still trying to come to terms with the fact that I was just another woman in his sea of woman. I have been reading books by Joel Osteen. That has given me a great deal of strength because Joel talks about forgiving yourself and believing that you are worth it and having faith that you deserve better, and we do. It was fools gold. But at the end of the day, we have learned a great deal. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and in the end, we will shine like diamonds. xoxoACgirl
Feb 20 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
neverlookback
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Cgirl

HEY BABY was one of my favorite crumbs, it made my day - now isnt that just sick? I wanted him because he called me baby, are you kidding me? I like Osteen too, he always reminds us how we can find a way to turn our sorrows into strengths - not to get paranoid or anything but did your x paths name begin with G? ha ha sorry my x paths GF LOVES Osteen - I keep thinking one day I will see her on this site poor thing
Feb 20 - 10PM (Reply to #5)
ACgirl
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Hey Neverlookback

My ex n's name didn't begin with G. I found Joel Osteen by accident. I was at a book store that was going out of business and I saw a book that said "7 steps to changing your life", and I thought, okay, that sounds good. So I bought the book and a CD of him saying the book. It has made a HUGE difference in my recovery because I tried to keep those negitive thoughts out of my head like he says to do. I know what you mean about the word "baby". Everytime he said that to me in a text I would melt, as if he would have said "marry me". We got so used to accepting so little. I will never accept that kind of behavior anymore. But so strange, I thought of him a lot today. Yeah, I miss what I thought we had, but I will never reach out and contact him again. I am worth so much more and God will bless me with the right one. xoxoACgirl
Feb 20 - 1PM
Fearless
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fools gold

excellent ... exactly what they are. sorry for your pain. I miss my "beginning man" or Dream man He's gone now...and he has become a Nightmare -fefe

FeFe

Feb 20 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
tootsgee
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mmm aint that the truth. the

mmm aint that the truth. the day I made him leave I felt like I was living in a nightmare that was only going to end with my dying! It sounds so extreme now but that's what I thought and I just kept saying to him over and over again "you have to go, you have to go, you have to go."