my behavior when with him

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#1 May 4 - 11PM
Janet
Janet's picture

my behavior when with him

When first with the N I was, for the most part, a kind, happy person. Kind, and wanting a healthy and fun environment for his 6 year child that N had every weekend. As the years went on, and the confusion, unkindness, unfairness deepened I found myself sinking into depression and anger and at times a rage that frightens me to think of now. I never once showed raged or yelled in front of the little boy, but I my fun, kind spirit was seen less often. I found myself resenting a child for his father's behavior I see now. My lack of honesty with myself distorted my overall behavior.

Did anyone else find themselves saying vile things in order to hurt the N the way he/she had hurt you?

May 6 - 6AM
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

making me snap.............

he loved that..the more stressed i was the more he liked it...so he caused me stress at every turn....he did NOTHING..contributed NOTHING... for instance a trip for dog food became a nightmare....he wouldn't go..so i would...but to do that i would have to leave the dogs with him...which always made me nervous..soi would be in a rush....then he would do shit like call my cell phone..let it ring once or twice then hang up...i'd try to call back and he wouldn't answer...so that i'd wonder what was going on....i'd get the dog food and rush home...then i'd have to carry th 50 pound bags inside..because of his 'bad back' don't you know.....then the dogs would be crazed because he had either locked them out or locked them in.they'd have peed in the floor.. or they were barking their heads off because he'd done God only knows what to them...they'd always be aggitated and the stress would just mount and mount and mount.... and i'd get angry...and snap at him......THEN...he had me.. 'what is WRONG with you?...you're INSANE...you can't even go buy a bag of dog food without going over the deep end!...i can't keep living with this kind of insanity..this kind of constant TENSION...i'm going to have to leave for awhile'.... then he'd take off and get himself a snoot full of booze!... this kind of stuff went on 24/7/365...there was never any respite...ever.....not for 15 plus years............
May 6 - 9AM (Reply to #28)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Feeding off of stress and anger

When I had caught my ex-N in all his lies and manipulations, I coolly and calmly said,"You get a charge out of me being upset. You wanted to see me angry (when I found out you already had a girlfriend). You like seeing me stressed." That REALLY took him aback. He couldn't even deny it. He was speechless. I liked turning the tables on him. HE was on the defensive. He thought he could keep lying, lying, lying... and I'd get more stressed, more angry. He flipped out--he was the one stressed and angry--when I congratulated him on his betrothal and told him to be happy with his girlfriend from LA. I got to see him snap. Very beautiful.
May 6 - 5AM
NoNarcingZone
NoNarcingZone's picture

Reactive Abuse

I'm generally the relaxed, delightful, 'social butterfly' in most settings. So, how is it that I couldn't figure out WHY I'd become so violently angry & aggressive during my relationship/marriage to the N. He'd make knee-jerking, disrespectful comments out of the blue - in response to something simple as: "Here babe, let me help you fold your shirts" The N: "I'm a (effin') grown man, I think I can fold my own (effin') shirts!" Whoa! Huh? I would practically fall over myself running (w/clenched fists) to go get in his face: "WTF did you just say?!?!" Let the games begin... He's military & I now realize the potential severity of the outcomes (had he "snapped"). But when you're unexpectedly blindsided - you could care less. It wasn't until I came upon this website that (all @ once) everything became crystal clear. I'd been giving him the exact response he craves...and then some. In hindsight, the signs were there in the beginning. As time progressed - so did his anger & insecurities. Jealousy. Daily accusations. Fortunately, I'm thick-skinned & refuse to back down when unjustifiably challenged. Unfortunate for him, he often came into these battles unarmed. I'd relentlessly wear him down physically & mentally. For what? To start all over again in a week & a half. Confusing & tiring! It wasn't until these past few months that I realized that it hasn't been ME. Through therapy, I learned how NOT to react to the N's psychotic diatribes. I'd remain calm (keeping my hands to myself) & just recall the things he's most insecure about (attractiveness, height, body, girth...etc.) and in a tranquil voice I'd feed him responses like: "Look Popeye, I dunno if it's all the body building supplements or what - that have you on your period right now, but...blah, blah, oh and BTW, you might wanna cut back on that stuff. You're looking as WIDE as you are TALL & at 5'6" that's not a good look for a person of your stature, muscle man." Pfffft! And there he goes...out the door to his 1st love - the gym. That's where he goes to meet up w/his 2nd love...another soldier. Male. And those are just the 'work-outs' that I know about. ROTF LMAO! P.S. In my research & ANALysis of the N, this site has prompted me to go check the cabinet for what he told me were "sleeping" pills he'd been prescribed for the insomnia after his last deployment. He'd discretely tucked them away (From me? Yea, good luck w/that!) Hmmmm. Can we say SEROQUEL??? Full bottle. Screaming!

-------------------------------------------
"Soldier, don't confuse your rank with MY authority!"

May 6 - 6AM (Reply to #26)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

seroquel

Seroquel is a heavy duty ANTIPSYCHOTIC won't work on an N ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 5 - 8AM
enoughalready
enoughalready's picture

behavior

Anytime I see his car-it puts me in a bad mood all day. I think about how he really messed me up.I sometimes find myself crying cause I think back how much love I gave him only to be fooled of the love that never went anywhere. What a big waste of life. I can't wait for 2 yrs when he'll be non-existent in my mind.
May 5 - 8AM
The Girlfriend ...
The Girlfriend of Dr Jekyl's picture

Self-Preservation, Self-Defense...and reactive abuse

I know there have been times where I felt like I was fighting for my life, emotionally and physically sometimes. And I confess that I have been caused to resort to using verbal tactics that I know would sting him right in his narcissistic grandiose 'core' (he has no heart) and take him down a notch or two...This is not my basic nature to do this either and I am not proud of this. It's like, after a while you just have to fight back sometimes...or lose every ounce of your dignity and everything...you are forced to eventually stand up for yourself in ways you never would have to with a 'normal' regular fella...These guys deliberately provoke you to the point of anger at times, they thrive on drama and chaos...they enjoy getting ANY reaction from you... ie:...you can have the sweetest tempered dog (or any animal) who would never bite or hurt a fly...who would actually protect not only her young, but yours and everyone else...but when a bully corners and abuses even a docile sweet natured dog/animal...and it fears for it's own life...and it has two choices...lay down and submit/die ...or bare it's teeth and fight back to stay alive!... I think that when we react and return their abusivness...it is perfectly normal to try to stand up and fight back in any way that we can...and in the language they 'understand'...with a dose of their own abuse... It is like a form of self-defense...kinda...
May 5 - 10PM (Reply to #23)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

I love your response, and feel the same way.

Well stated, and you are exactly correct, being angry and over the top is in balance to what they have done. It is a normal reaction to defend yourself, and react strongly for self preservation. It is a testimony to your qualities and self esteem. Don't feel bad at all, good for you for getting pissed at your being abused!!! It is intuitive, and you are right on!!!
May 5 - 8AM (Reply to #16)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Being serene

My ex-N couldn't stand it when I was the one speaking calmly, coolly, and even being NICE to him. It really got under his skin. He wanted anger, drama, and I was the one talking down to him about right and wrong. No wonder he complained,"You want to be the teacher!" I'd say in a flattering, lilting, sarcastic voice, "Oh, you're always right and I'm always wrong." I even got on his case for not listening to me, but merely repeating what I said. Narcs thrive on drama. I mirrored his abuse by being serene, calm, almost without emotion. Since he was condescending to me, I returned the favor.
May 5 - 11AM (Reply to #17)
neveragain5
neveragain5's picture

I read somewhere that when

I read somewhere that when you mirror there actions back to them, they get confused and back down.
May 5 - 1PM (Reply to #19)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

where did you read that?!?!?!?!

not always - sometimes they get MUCH MUCH MUCH worse they think YOU're projecting then ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 5 - 3PM (Reply to #20)
neveragain5
neveragain5's picture

I read it on the internet,

I read it on the internet, (prob wikianswers),before I knew what I was dealing with and found you guys. I just wanted him to go away. I knew that I would have to be around him for at least a few more weeks.
May 5 - 5PM (Reply to #21)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

never do that

mirroring a pathological is the worst idea! it's throwing gasoline on a fire! ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
Jun 16 - 2AM (Reply to #22)
neveragain5
neveragain5's picture

Yikes! Thanks, Babara. No

Geez
May 5 - 11AM (Reply to #18)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Friends said the same thing

When I mirrored my ex-N's actions and behavior ON PURPOSE, he did, as my friends said, "get confused and back down." He realized he couldn't put me down anymore, and I wouldn't take it. A normal person would've said,"Wow,I messed up, I'm sorry I hurt you." It's sad to see a guy nearing 40 getting so confused.
May 5 - 8AM
enoughalready
enoughalready's picture

behavior

Worse part was I found myself lying to him..just to get back at him or catch him in another lie. I felt lower than low at that point. I lost so much respect for myself.I knew I had to get out of this rut I was in w/ this low-life. I truly hope the worse for him. It takes everything I have not to report him to police for selling and taking steroids like his last ex did to him. I'd rather leave at NC and pretend he's dead to me!
May 5 - 8AM
enoughalready
enoughalready's picture

behavior

He knew how to "push my buttons". I now know he must have enjoyed my anger. The first time I ever yelled at him, I was nearly crying and shaking from it...he just laughed. He had no remorse, no empathy..nothing. I called him the worse names ever. I degraded and devalued him like no one. I was always good at arguments..I should have been a lawyer. Arguing w/ my XN took all of my energy away. And w/ all the name-calling I did to him-it had no effect on him. I remember him telling me his ex-gf punched him in the face several times (probably another lie) and he put restraining order on her(probably another lie). I know he wanted me to hit him as he egged me on. But-never gave him that satisfaction. But I have to say I am embarrassed I didn't control myself better and just leave the *astard the day I felt "something just wasn't right". I told him the last time..."You are just bad news to me".
May 5 - 11AM (Reply to #13)
neveragain5
neveragain5's picture

"Always good at arguments, I

"Always good at arguments, I should have been a lawyer". I can relate with this. The only people I argue with are the "difficult" ones, though.....It does take the energy our of you and drains you. That's because it doesn't come naturally to us and we have feelings....remorse, sadness, etc., for acting this way. I felt bad at first when I would argue back, because I didn't like the way I was acting. It made me cry. I cried so much with him and how he treated me when I tried to break it off. I couldn't believe when I figured out he was enjoying it. Then I just got pissed.
May 5 - 7AM
enoughalready
enoughalready's picture

behavior

Yes.I was a calm, loving, kind person before I interacted w/ my XN. During the last 3 yrs of our relationship, particular the last year, I became extremely angry, depressed, confused and highly irritated w/ all the mind games he'd play on me. When he'd call me names, i became shaky and uncontrollably angry. I have never seen myself like that before. I realize now how poisenous if was in my life.
May 6 - 12PM (Reply to #11)
spinning
spinning's picture

Have you come back?

spinning When the N and I met I was very trusting. I was also at a low point, grieving a change that was required and doing the work to get through it. The N became my 'counselor.' He'd call about once a week or so and offer all kinds of support and advice. He's a cop (was, quit that a year ago. before that radio, before that railroad, before that teacher, who knows?) and I felt so grateful for his help. He asked nothing of me, though I knew he just wanted to make a conquest. He was patient. Took six months. In any case I used to do mentor reading to at-risk children; used to belong to a Buddhist Study Group; used to sketch and write poetry; used to grow beautiful flowers and raise little chicks and ducks. Used to be a person people liked and thought was kind and compassionate. Inch by inch I surrendered these things...using all my energy to try to please this person I once so revered. This person who has treated me so poorly; freeze outs; frightening rages; pounding walls, doors and other stuff to deflect whenever I'd express unhappiness about his seeming lack of regard for me. Why do I now feel so lost? Do you feel back to normal at all 'enoughalready?' Any advice most welcome.

spinning

May 5 - 1PM (Reply to #10)
hope4me
hope4me's picture

behavior

I was the same way. I was shy, loving, sweet but the last few years I became depressed, angry, short tempered, irritable. The sad thing is, we have been apart 4 years, divorced 1 1/2 and I still feel this way a lot of the time because I have to deal with him as a co-parent. What I hated was how I reacted toward my kids when they would act up or misbehave. I would yell and get so angry. I didn't like the person I had become. The only positive thing is I don't take crap off of anyone anymore and I stand up for myself more than ever before.
May 5 - 6AM
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

reactive abuse......

oh...i know all about it.....i too am usually a very kind and nice person...but he changed me.... the day to day stress of living with the monster made me short tempered with other people...and with him...before he became so crazed and violent that i was afraid of him...i used to call him 'bitch'...just like he called me....we'd get in an argument and i'd call him 'bitch' over and over....so he'd know how it felt...but he never got it....i hated him by the time it was over....and called him everything in the book....back early on, before i was so afraid of him...i slapped him several times when he'd get within half an inch of my face and start his shit with me...... i think he enjoyed it...then he could sneer and say....'you're out of control'....or tell me what a horrible mean person i was..... the psycho treated turned all his rage on me...but with other people...he was a doormat......he let some people walk all over him....over me, to be more exact...he finally rented out our first house....he wouldn't let me list and sell it...and the expense was killing me....he finally rented it out...then, when the tenants wrote two cold checks for 1,000 dollars each...but then bought a brand new mustang...i wass livid...and when i started eviction, and had them prosecuted for the two cold checks.....the psycho attacked ME.... 'you're such a HORRIBLE person...so full of ANGER and HATRED..you need to leave those poor people alone..i'm sure they're trying to pay the rent'...... he pounded me anytime i stood up for myself..even against others.....it's worn me down....it's worn me down.....
May 5 - 7AM (Reply to #8)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

pounding you down

pounded me anytime i stood up for myself..even against others... same as my NarcMother and exNH... same ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 5 - 12AM
neveragain5
neveragain5's picture

Oh boy, don't get me

Oh boy, don't get me started. :) Like you, I am patient, kind, loving, compassionate and sweet. I can also be a bit of a smart-ass. With N's, I am an antagonistic, b&tch-from-h*ll!!! :) I said SO many things that I would NEVER say to a normal person. I threw things he told me back in his face, I called him a man-whore a f*cking cheat and liar, (I had no proof of the cheating, only what I read about them in general ), I played with his head and planted thoughts that would make him paranoid. I turned into the monster that he was. I felt like it was the battle of good against evil. In fact, he told me once that he felt like he was competing against someone of his own strength and size. Also, I did something really out of character that I am both proud and ashamed of, but mostly proud.:) They have no idea when you are manipulating them. I got me own revenge without him even knowing. I think people react to them in one of three ways...either they fight them back and get angry, lay in a corner and cover their head or simply act indifferent to them. Sometimes, you act in all three ways, all defense mechanisms which is ironic, because they act this way ALL the time for NO reason. We only do it in DEFENSE of ourselves. NO Contact, NO more games.
May 5 - 6AM (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

behavior

that's reactive abuse and it's NORMAL Sandra Brown, MA talks about how pathologicals get to us and we literally change our behavior around them. We do things that we wouldn't do otherwise. ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 5 - 10AM (Reply to #6)
neveragain5
neveragain5's picture

Thanks, Barbara. In my last

Thanks, Barbara. In my last relationship, (we were together 4 1/2 years), I spent all that time not understanding. Asking why? "Why does he do this?", "Why would you treat a good person this way". I was also busy doing the dirty work of fighting for his child against his N ex. She was a nightmare and I got pretty good at fighting her. I couldn't stand there and watch a child go through hell, while he and his family just gave into the exes every whim. After we got custody, I gave it six months, to see if it would stabilize. When I saw that it wasn't and wouldn't, I was out of there. I was exhausted and was SO relieved to be alone. Six years later and here comes another one trying to pull this sh*t with me. I had no idea the specifics of an N. When it all came together and I saw it for everything that it was, (the deception, that they really have NO CONSCIENCE), all of it, I had had it! I look at it as a free pass to be an ass.
May 5 - 8AM (Reply to #3)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Thriving on reactive abuse

My ex-N WANTED me to be hateful and angry, once I had blown his cover. When I told him that other people saw him as a monster, he was ecstatic. He was BEGGING me to hate him.
May 5 - 12PM (Reply to #4)
livewpsycobabble
livewpsycobabble's picture

Name Calling

Oh boy! Mine would push my buttons so hard to get me to see red! I think I've called him every vile name in the book. Last time was Easter. He didn't like the way I asked him if the easter bunny had left anything. Can you believe it? I think it made him feel bad because I went to the trouble to get this 62 year old man a stupid Easter basket and he got me nothing. So he started pulling things out of his bag of tricks to start a fight. Got in my face and said; "Come on hit me!" over and over. I looked at him and said; "How old are you right now 4 maybe 8? He dug down deep and called me the B word. I looked at him and said; "Yep and your just a fu**ed up narcissist." He left the house and came back with a rose and a easter lily for me. I put the rose in a vase and never watered the easter lily once. Let them both dry out and die right where he left them. Yep, I'm a B. LOL
May 5 - 3PM (Reply to #5)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

"You want me to be angry"

That's what I told him. Coolly, calmly, I told him that he got a charge out of seeing me angry or upset. My calmness kinda freaked him out. Sheesh, and I didn't tell him that he was the subject of masturbation jokes...