my red flags.

Headline often seen on dating sites. REN MAN Compensatory - yet insincere - devaluing of his own personal facial structure. It was not in a hateful way towards himself or expressing wishing he had better looks. It was in a cutesy, look at me I am goofy looking cute (not ugly). Feed me compliments please way. ...while continually professing idealization of academic achievements. (It is one thing to be proud and notably point to it. It is another to make constant references to it.) My own red flag reactions should have been more of an indicator of not engaging. - my reactions to his weird behavior -turning on my own instinct that something was not right -taking responsibility for pushing instinct away - my choice not to trust in my wisdom & experience - though I FELT his behavior was diametrically not in accordance with his words. -my choice to NOT listen to my wisdom, experience & instinct when confiding to close friends. -looking into his background because of ongoing and very serious inconsistencies - trying to be MORE worthy of him and feeling mad at myself in doing that. - MY depression in being involved with him and the need to not experience the pain and move through it. I KNOW this is the only way to get to the end of the hurt. Wading through the process - getting stuck and moving FORWARD. ------ ie; going back to him because it was so personally painful. I should NOT have taken this personally. I did need to offer an open mind - but not at the price of discounting my own wisdom, instinct and experience and concurrent devaluation. -resigning to his mercurial disconnect just to avoid the D&D that would come should I bring it up - Deferring to HIS recommended communication style....Staying when I accepted my own shortcomings (I absolutely have them and want to change) and working on them in his preferred communication style. His proposed style was acceptable. The problem is that I allowed myself to change to suit his professed style/rules while he would not follow them himself. ABSOLUTELY maddening. And I stayed for the show. - Biggest RED FLAG: devaluing myself for not being good enough as per his elitist attitude. -I took on MY faults as well as HIS and internalized both as my own and tried to fix it to suit him. He scared me. Authoritative, bossy & an air of absolutism. He is an expert - or so he says - in his field so he must be one in relationships. I am wrong to have seen all these red flags in my reactions, feelings and I STAYED. I knew better. I know better. I will be working to improve and stand aware in the future. I am accountable for having maintained a losing battle. HOWEVER - I did learn to see where I need to do work in myself when I do screw up. I learned to realize whatever his malfunction is, it is NOT MINE nor do I want to be a party to it. No matter who was wrong at any given time - I had to accept that there is a time to let go and accept that it cannot or should not be. I did not cause him to be this way. I cannot FIX whatever is pathological in him. I cannot be accountable for his behavior or actions. I am responsible for moving through the pain and I owe myself the chance to heal. I must do the work. I accept that. It is myself that I must move.

He said, "you probably heard some bad things about me..I just want you to know that they arent true!" "It's because people dont understand me like you do...that is why you are perfect for me!" In other words..... "I am a scumbag, who has a violent temper and it pisses me off how people talk of this and try to "out" me. You are perfect for me because I have been successful in hiding who I truely am and I will continue to brainwash you till you become my little puppetgirl...you will be perfect for me to use and abuse"

was "Aren't you lucky to have me?" should have had me running for the hills! lol

I don't think there's enough bandwidth on this website, for me to list all of my ex N's (from last year) red flags. But, this one...should have sent me running. It actually caused me to turn him down numerous times before caving in and agreeing to date him. He was married 4x, by the time he turned 37. Has three kids...two he never ever met, and never tried to meet. The third, he has a crappy relationship with. THAT ALONE, SHOULD HAVE CAUSED ME NEVER TO DATE THE MAN. I knew all this before I said yes. But, I've been much better now after my labotomy. :=D

I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

Here's some.... I'm good at everything I do. He lied about being able to play instruments and having a good singing voice. To them they're legends in their own minds. Speaking of red flags...my dumb ass wasn't paying close enough attention but early on when we first got together he told me he wasn't the guy I really wanted...WOW...if you pay attention, they can be brutally honest at times. The woman from Beverly hills housewives whose husband committed suicide also told her he wasn't a good man at the beginning f their relationship. Theses guys are clones. PDs are just alike in most aspects.

bahaha! i like #2 t best. gosh, back in t "BN" (before Narc) time i never would have been able to recognize those signs. dont cha feel so enlightened?!?