My Story About P

Hello to anyone and everyone that comes across my post. I feel so lucky to have found this site for venting/comfort.

I'm 26 now, but I'll start from the beginning, when I just turned 19. That is when I met P. As a college student, struggling to find myself in a major of art or something I wasn't exactly sure of yet, he stumbled into my life one night at a restaurant/night club I was working in at the time. He was the perfect gentleman, with his blue eyes and curly hair, I was immediately smitten. I'll save you the details, but how quickly I fell for him, was like something out of a movie. He fell hard as well, telling me he loved me only after a month, which scared me at first and then I opened myself up to him. He was my first relationship and I felt very proud to have waited for someone to come along that treated me as he did.

He was in the process of getting a medical degree, and because he was busy with school and we lived 40 minutes away from each other, we continued to see each other 2-3 times a week. He pointed me in the direction I wanted to pursue with my education, which was also in the medical field. So over the course of spending time together going out to see concerts/shows, hanging out with friends, growing in our relationship, I decided to then go to into that medical program we talked about. His family, which I became very close with, co-signed on my student loan. Without them, I would not be where I am today.

I have a somewhat estranged relationship with my parents. They separated when I was 2 and my mother remarried, while my dad stayed alone for quite sometime. By the time I was 13, my mother moved a few states away with my brother and sister after divorcing her second husband. Then my father remarried at this time as well, which eventually added two sisters to his side of my family. I did not get along with my step-mother growing up and had run away a few times or was kicked out over arguments that fueled. I moved out when I was 17 with friends (their families were so welcoming and treated me as their own--and still do). I have a better relationship with my father and mother, but I keep my distance, since I know this is the best way it works out. My father moved away to another state 3-4 years ago and this time moved to another Country for a government tour. In short, I don't have the best relationship with my family, but I try to embrace anyone that will treat me with kindness; as did P's family, especially his mother.

By the time I graduated, P and I had been together for 4 years. We decided we wanted to move in together. I was very ready, but there were some things I had questioned. P has a very strong personality. When people first meet him, he is so overly welcoming and polite, that it is off-putting to them. Most first impressions of him are that he is fake. I always said it was how he was raised, which was so believable because of how wonderful his mother is. He was truly a genuine man and could do no wrong. He was and is extremely dedicated to health and fitness. To the point that it is his top priority and rules over a lot of his life. I attributed it to him having a Type A personality, whereas I am more Type B and extremely laid back. This is where I, and he agreed, we compliment each other. I helped him stay calm, or less anxious, and he helped me become more regimented. Sometimes, I noticed it was too much. He would try to push me to live as he did, because it was the best way. Although, he NEVER yelled or raised his voice. He never seemed angry, just pushy. I would do everything to appease this to make him happy, I also felt it was good for me. Sometimes I would back off and this created a slight wedge between us. Although, it never affected our sex life or the fun times we had going out. We loved going to concerts and staying up all night listening to records with a good beer in hand. As much as I loved those things, he did push that his music taste was the best and the beers that he drinks are the best, etc. At the time, I just teased him about it and went along with most things he wanted to do because I did too.

When we were talking about our arrangements moving in together, he made a comment about sleeping in separate rooms. He said that for first time couples, this is a better situation so we can get adjusted to living on top of each other. I thought to how his parents live this way, although I am certain it is because of marriage problems and it was not this way from the start. Initially, I was on board for this idea, until the thought sank in more and more. No... I didn't want to be his roommate. I told him that I would not do that and he settled with me.

So we got all things aligned and found the cutest condo/townhouse to move in to. At first it was wonderful. I was surrounded by the man that I loved and we could have sex anywhere and everywhere in the house. And we did. I got to play house and I was happy, briefly. But, P quickly found a way to have his own bedroom. He bought a small bed for him, "until we can buy a large bed to share in the master room" and then I stayed in the master alone on my futon. I fought him on this so much. But, people always told me you have to "pick your battles", and because I was so happy with how well he treated me, I let it go at the time. Although, this was not the only thing I compromised with him on. He had a very strict schedule; to get up at 3-4am so that he could go to the gym before work, he needed to go to sleep the night before at 7-8pm. Not everyday, but this was his plan. It was hard to keep track, but I was attentive and considerate. I was ALWAYS considerate of this and much more.

He also tried to micromanage my diet, to make it more like his (and whatever he thought was the best at that time--because it did change). I took it with a grain of salt and respected him. I believed he was just trying to make me a better person. Never did he tell me I wasn't good enough, or did he touch me less. But, sometimes, when I would be getting ready to go out, he would look at me and say, "Wow, you do look nice." (?) I feel uneasy about it now thinking about, but at the time I could never put my finger on why it felt strange. It was almost as if he was surprised that I could look good. He had doted over me obsessively before and at this point I was feeling as if it had tapered off. But, we still had a great sex life.

Not only did we live together, but we worked together. I had begun multiple jobs out of school and one of the places I worked, so did he. We were in different departments, but adjacent to each other. Usually it was just one weekend a month. P was having a difficult time with work. He was constantly stressed about being overworked and under appreciated. He constantly vented to me about it. About that and other things of course. I started to feel as if he was so negative, unless of course, we were out at his favorite bar, drinking his favorite beer, listening to rock and roll. I never thought too much about it, but when I would talk to him about my grievances he was very dismissive and didn't want to talk to talk much about them.

After living together for about 5 months, we started doing less things in groups. He would go out with his coworkers and not invite me, and I would go out with my friends. I stopped asking him to come with me because, if the situation was not conducive to everything he wanted, it just wouldn't be fun for him, so he said. I asked him why he didn't invite me out with his co-workers and he said it was because, "we just talk about work the entire time and I would be bored if I were you--I don't want to put you through that." So we would go out on dates together sporadically and have a great time. This did make me feel uneasy about our relationship. But, again, I picked my battles. He didn't have very many friends either. There were two really good friends he had since he was little, but one of them stopped talking to him completely because of a girl, and another became extremely anti-social. So I felt compelled to let him have his time with his friends, since I had many people around me that I knew cared about me. He reminded me of this often.

There was one instance that he left a note for me on the fridge. That he loved me! And he was going to visit one of his friends (anti-social). He said to not worry about getting in touch with him because there is no cell phone service out where his friend's parents live. I thought this was odd, because never had he said anything like that; to not contact him. Later that day, my girlfriend called and said she saw his truck outside of where she was babysitting. His truck was very, very easy to recognize. Of course, this was not the area where he said he would be. I panicked and could not get a hold of him. Assumed he was cheating on me (never had I had the impression of this before) and when I finally got a hold of him that morning, told him we couldn't be together. He said that he left his phone in his truck, which I believed because he has never been one to text or always have his phone on him. Then he told me his friend bailed on him (which did happen often) and he went out with his coworkers. He didn't think to call me because he didn't think it mattered. He said he was sorry and he would make sure he tells me where he goes from that point on. I had a bad feeling, but I couldn't prove anything. We just pressed on and everything seemed to be okay.

The one thing I became obsessed with, was that he would not sleep in the same bed as me. It began to crush my soul. I felt that eventually, someday in the future, I would be pregnant and sleeping in a bed alone. I did not want that for myself. I talked to him about it constantly, and he attributed it to being such a light sleeper. And when he did try to sleep with me (because it was a struggle), he would say he barely slept the next day. This made me feel guilty. But, I knew it wasn't right. Eventually, I felt that it was not that he was a light sleeper, but that he craved the time to himself and his schedule. This was the one thing that we would argue over that had any substance. I was always the one to cry and yell and he would calmly tell me that I needed to be smothered with love in order to be happy. When I told him that I envisioned myself alone in this way and questioned how he could plan to have a future with someone like that, he said he wasn't sure he wanted to be married or have a family. Mind you, we talked about having kids and being together forever, etc. I was in awe.

I decided, even though it was heart wrenching, I needed to tell him that I would never be happy this way. I didn't want to be together and 10 years later feel the same way and have to start all over. He felt that it was best for both of us to separate, and that even though we love each other so much, we want different things. It broke my heart, but I moved out and in with a friend. That week we knew things were ending we laid in bed holding each other and BOTH sobbed. He told me that he "didn't even want to think about me with someone else" and that "I will always love every part of you", etc. He begged me not to leave him when it came to it. I left about a week before our 5 year anniversary.

It was very difficult trying to move on from him. I know that a lot of it was because we did not have a clean break and also, because I put him up on a pedestal that no one could knock him off of. At first, we talked often, slept together a few times since we had broken up. But, he still would not tell me what he wanted from the future because he "just didn't know" and why was I "so obsessed with the future". Mind you I continued to see him at work here and there. It was tortuous. After 4-5 months of this I sent him a farewell email to tell him that it was not fair for him to do this to me--to lead me on and only be available when he saw fit and take days or even weeks to get back to me when, according to him, he missed me and wanted to see me "sooo bad". I wasn't working at that job as often, and eventually I quit. A month later he responded. He responded with a two short paragraph text, which was something along the lines of he was sorry and it was a hard thing to read, but it was well-written--Oh, and that he will always love me.

At this point, I began seeing someone else. I had moved to the city (from the suburbs) and was feeling much better about the direction my life was taking. I compared everyone to P. I felt like no one could stack up next to what I thought he was. Initially, this new relationship was just a friend with benefits situation and then it turned into a brief, but fun relationship. I told P that I needed anything and everything back from the house, because I would not have continued ties with him. I had done this a few times after we broke up and he always said to leave my things with him, because he has the space and I do not. He was a perfect gentleman every time. This time, I went to see him and we talked a bit about what was going on in our lives. I told him I was seeing someone and asked if he was. He responded with "not really". Eventually our conversation turned to me asking him if there was something he wasn't telling me. He said no, that he missed me, but we want different things. It never felt right. Why would someone act the way he did toward me, tell me everything I wanted to hear when we were in contact, but then back off. What is the point to hold on like that? He got upset with me that I told him I was seeing someone. He asked, "are you trying to make me feel bad?? That you're happy with this new guy??" Yes!! Of course I was. But, I never said that. I left in a puddle of tears and didn't look back.

I continued seeing this guy for about six months and then it didn't work out. The one thing I gained from this relationship was that I did not walk on eggshells as I had with P. And when I felt that he wasn't enough for me, I walked away.

Some time went by, dating on an internet site, but nothing came of it. Then this past summer, I started seeing another man. I think because we had such a connection, things moved really quickly. After four dates we were an item. He is a musician and we had a lot to talk about. I had fun going to his shows and being the "band girlfriend". The night after I realized I had stronger feelings for him, P called me. He never called. I would get the occasional drunk text (I assume drunk) that said he missed me. A few weeks before I began dating this man actually, he said he wanted to get together "sooner rather than later" to have dinner or a drink. Being single at the time, and having him pursue me, was exciting. But, then when he cancelled on that day (like he always had before), I stopped asking. It was the same song and dance as when we broke up a year and a half ago. The same week P cancelled on me, I went on my first date with the new guy. So I let it go.

I called him back that day and he asked if I missed him. I told him "yes". He asked if I was seeing anyone, I said "yes, I just began seeing someone". He said he was with someone, too but the relationship was ending and he wasn't happy. He asked if he could see me that day and I told him I didn't think it was a good idea. But, then hours later I caved and told him I would. He said he had time to think about it, was emotional and it would be best to calm down so he could tell me something. This was over the weekend. That Monday he began to email me from work. He was very upset. He began to beg me to meet with him. He had to see me because he knew that I cared so much for him, and he felt that no one else did. I told him I would not, because it would not be fair to the person I was seeing and the same goes for him. Also, why should I jump at the opportunity when before it was always on his terms? He then sent me another email, the subject blank, the body read, "I love you." That was it. My coworkers surrounded me and I just started to cry. Why would he come back into my life like this. It wasn't fair. I told him I would pick him up on my way home from work, because it was on the way (and he asked) so we could talk. But, I could only talk briefly because I had somewhere to be.

I picked him up and he looked awful. He was not the handsome man that I once knew, but thin and tired. I had never seen him look this way. He sobbed to me about making a huge mistake; that he was so alone and I was the only one that had ever really been there for him and he ruined what we had. He confessed he dated someone for almost a year, at first not serious and it became more serious. He had moved in with her after the rent became too much at our old place. He told me how this girl cared more about her dog than him, and that she was obsessed with a new gym (all things that didn't involve him). I consoled him, but told him I had to be somewhere so I had to leave. He asked if he could take me out once he got himself back together and I told him I needed to give my current relationship a chance, that it wasn't fair to this new person in my life. He said he understood.

But, he continued to pursue me over the next few weeks. He called and texted constantly, now that he needed me. At first, it was just to talk things through about his soon to be ex-girlfriend, issues with his brother, and etc, etc, but then it became a reminiscing about our past together. I told him it wasn't appropriate. Then I caved. In less than two weeks after I picked him up from his work, he was back to his old self, handsome and seemingly happy. So, so happy. We met and had a drink. Then a week later he came to visit me on my lunch break. Within an hour of getting back to work, wrote me an email that told me his plan for us. He said if I was on board, he wanted to 1) (he had them numbered) that we would date and I would try to fit him into my schedule as best I could, 2) potentially move back in together and rent a place in the city, and 3) he would buy a home for us, he was already approved for x-amount by the bank.

I was ecstatic, even though I told him I wanted to take it slow I was on board. I ended things with my current boyfriend and P and I started to pick up where we left off. I knew that I was different, and he convinced me he was, too. He told me this was exactly how it was supposed to happen, he knew it. We started looking at houses to buy within 2 weeks of getting back together. This made me feel uncomfortable, and I told him that, but we pressed on. He put a contract on a house within a week after that. He preceded to tell everyone that we both knew, without me around mind you, how I am the woman of his dreams and he is so in love with me. I've opened his eyes to what he was missing before. He said he wanted everything he hadn't before. He would have never lived in the city when we were together before, he hated it. He stayed up late and slept in my bed on every occasion he could.

During all of this, I found an email he had written to his ex--basically a break up email. I shouldn't have gone looking, that wasn't me to do that, but I just found everything so strange that he could flip from her to me and be so manic in doing so. He was positive, but manic. In the email he talked about all of the things that went wrong, and used all of the pet names they had for each other and how he wanted to marry her, etc, etc. This email was written to her when he was asking to get back together with me; after I picked him up that day. I immediately told him that I found the email and I would not be moving into this house with him. He assured me he was so embarrassed by the email. It was something that he had written out of anger and shame, for things ending the way they did. He begged me to not show him the world and let him fall for me again, only to take it away and crush him. I continued to feel uneasy, but I decided I wouldn't let my insecurities get in the way of this possible happy ending. He told me I was insecure.

Things were going really well. Until he started to fall back into his old routine. He didn't want to visit with my family (he never got along with them for how they treated me in the past). Anything that wasn't something he would benefit from, he tried to find a way out of it. He wasn't answering my calls as often, or replying to my messages. I had stopped talking to him for almost a week because I felt that he was ignoring me. I wanted to take a step back and see if he would even notice or care that I wasn't there for him, like I always had been. At the end of the week, we planned to meet at a festival downtown at 11. He messaged me at 10 saying he didn't know if would be able to get there at 11, he hoped I was still in bed with my dog, and he would let me know. I called him and no answer. From the time that I picked him up at his work that day (sobbing and a mess), up until this point, it had been less than 3 months.

By 12 I had heard nothing and called him on my way to the festival, because I was just going to go alone. I sent him a text telling him, "this isn't working". He called me back and when I tried to talk to him about what made me upset, he broke it off. He said he would never be good enough for me and he can never meet up to my standards. He said I was too insecure and it was how I was treated by my family that made me this way. He said I couldn't get over the fact that while we were apart, he had feelings for someone else. Over the course of the next 2 days, I was in despair. I felt that it was all my fault. My insecurities ruined the chance I had with (whom I thought) the love of my life. The next day going into work, all of the truth surfaced.

He had gone back with his "ex" girlfriend. According to his mother, he began talking with her again weeks before this point--which makes complete sense why he backed off and I could feel it. She had already changed her relationship status and had a picture of the two of them together. The next day I found out that he actually cheated on me when we lived together before with this person and had a relationship with her over the last few months of us being together. They worked together at the hospital, and were around me constantly when I was there.

Discovering this and of course new things here and there, opened my eyes to what I thought was my first love, was not love at all. In his own delusional state, he believes that he still loves me, and I'm just "upset" that he "broke up with me". He corresponded with his friends who forwarded an email--an attempt to do damage control. He said, "I am aware that you told A [me], about our [he and the person he had an affair with] summer together, I am fine with this... what I do need you to understand is that A is emotionally unstable... she doesn't get hurt like, you and I get hurt... she has constantly sent me abusive and enraged messages/emails over these past few days..." Yes, I told him that he was a coward and a sociopath (now I know he's a Narc, but I wasn't aware of the disorder at this point).

I have since blocked him from most outlets and do not speak to him. I have met with his family, who is in awe by his actions and some friends, who now want nothing to do with him. Even though it's difficult, I feel so lucky to have their support.

It has been a little over a month since I've found everything out. Most days I don't think about the situation, or him at all for more than a few seconds. Sometimes it gets me down a little, but I feel so lucky that everything has happened this way. If I would have found out before that he cheated, I may have thought it was my fault and not that he is sick. All of his erratic actions, up and down, down and up again, is what made me look further into something being wrong with him. It is not me, it is him. I can say this with the complete confidence. All of the things I couldn't quite put my finger on are all explained through reading more and more about narcissism. Even though I held him up so high for the past 7 years of my life, he has taught me the biggest lesson. I will NEVER let anyone manipulate me like that again. I hope to find someone that I loves me as much as I once loved P. Even though it wasn't real for him, It was real for me. I know he doesn't have the capacity to love unconditionally, regardless of how he convinces everyone else. I am finally freed from a relationship that I had no idea was so toxic.