My turn...CRASH!!!! I feel like a hypocrite!

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janemarie
janemarie's picture
My turn...CRASH!!!! I feel like a hypocrite!

I almost feel like a hyporcrite....I've been feeling much stronger and just better all around so I've been offering my support and uplifting advise to all of you!!! That's what this forum is all about! It's always been part of my nature to help others and I thoroughly enjoy it....if only I could help myself!!!! Frustrating!!

I will allow myself to crash tonite. Went to the gym where I am bound to run into the exN, I refuse to change my daily routines, I will not allow him to dictate my life , ...Im always ready and confident for a possible run in..but tonite I was like a freakin mouse waiting for the cat to arrive..so I left early. Then I find out from my brother, who is my lawyer representing me in suing the exN for the money he owes me, that the exN is being difficult and appears to be avoiding meeting with my brother to settle out of court.....I really dont want to go to court and drag this on...but I feel if I dont do it now...he will feel like he won because after all, he is purposely avoiding the meeting so that I do give up and let him off....I also had a bad day at work today...and I feel like I cant do anything right....

I just commented on someone elses post that money does not by happiness...Ive told people to forget about getting back at them....Ive told people to just move forward and cut their losses....Ive told people to focus on themselves so they can begin to love themselves again.....

This is why I feel like a hypocrite....and Im sorry....just having a weak freakin moment...and Im disappointed in myself...

You see....during the process...you still CAN fall flat on your face...It doesnt happen as often, but it still happens.
ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!

Tigerlily
Tigerlily's picture
Dear Janemarie
It`s easy to gorget, when we`re recovering from narc. abuse, that we used to have bad days sometimes BEFORE we met them, too! Good days and bad days are normal, all part of life`s rich panoply. Hell, you`re not a failure for having a bad day! Everyone has bad days! Having said that, I do tend a little to agree with Walking on Sunshine about going to the gym where he might be. Can`t you go to a different gym, or only go at times when you know he can`t be there? As far as the money is concrned, I think you have to weigh up what is more important to you - getting the money back (which may mean survival for you, or it may only mean winning - only you can decide that) or breaking loose from him. I lost a lot of money in my narc. relationship too, and not just money: computer software, tools, all kinds of small things. But in the long run it was worth just letting go to be free of that SOB. Only you can decide. Cheer up! Tomorrow will be a better day! Tigerlily
walking_on_sunshine
walking_on_sunshine's picture
Im sorry you are having a bad
Im sorry you are having a bad day :( Im going to be a hypocrit now too though. Do you know why you feel so broken down? Because you are putting yourself in a position to cause yourself stress. Going to the gym where he might be is not implementing no contact. No contact means avoiding him at all costs. No contact means having to change your gym altogether until you are indifferent to him. Did you see what happened to me when I saw my x drive by in the car, I turned into a bumbling bubbling mess. If you read everyones posts in here you will really see how much contact = pain. No matter how strong a person wants to be, when they see the xn bam they are back to square 1. I know you say you dont want him dictating your life, but what is more important right now at this time, him getting the satisfaction of dictating your life or you getting over him? Get over him first is my advice, and then go back to the gym. xoxo, feel better too
janemarie
janemarie's picture
Thank you Sunshine, but Im a
Thank you Sunshine, but Im a huge advocate of the NC vow.... I usually only go to the gym when I know he wont be there...and I've been there countless times and its been fine...I think my bad day at work set me off...I knew I wasnt feeling strong and thats why I high tailed it outta there!!!!!! Hearing my brother throw in my face...kinda the I told you so expression of....You let him do it once and left Shame on him....you went back and let it happen again...Shame on you!!! SET ME OFF!!!!!!!! I hate family....and mine are nothing but stinking men (no offense to the men on this site who are victims) Today is a new day.....
walking_on_sunshine
walking_on_sunshine's picture
Jane, just keep in mind that
Jane, just keep in mind that everytime you go there you have to think about him because you have to determine what is a good time to go that he will not be there. That requires thinking of him everytime you go to the gym. Secondly when you are at the gym, there is always a fractional chance that he will show up when you don't expect it and and that reality will probably make you think about him on and off through your workout, just by hoping he doesnt show up. Again you end up thinking about him. I honestly think that gym will be a constant trigger for you, but, then again on the flipside, its a good way to make happy chemicals, so I guess you can weight the options and decide whats truly best for you. Lack of support is a creul situation,I'm sorry your family support is lousy, but remember, you don't have that problem here. hugs xox
janemarie
janemarie's picture
Youre right,,,,I was viewing
Youre right,,,,I was viewing it as being strong...but it is a constant reminder....ugh...cant win!!! thanks for the support!! xoxo
fallingfoward
fallingfoward's picture
ahhhh
janemarie Don't be hard on yourself, I have been encourage by your posts. It's a journey out of the fog. I don't think any of us expect that we will do or say the right thing at all times, that's why it a safe place. I still will look forward to all the advice and encouragement that you give. Lots of Hugs
fallingfoward
fallingfoward's picture
ahhhh
janemarie Don't be hard on yourself, I have been encourage by your posts. It's a journey out of the fog. I don't think any of us expect that we will do or say the right thing at all times, that's why it a safe place. I still will look forward to all the advice and encouragement that you give. Lots of Hugs
Run4it
Run4it's picture
Janemarie,
thank God you are human :) You have been such a help to me with your honesty and support. Today is just one day and you have had quite a few good days lately. I can relate to your gym issues, same here, but it definitely triggers me just seeing his care there. I swear, I went out with some girls tonight and they are all man bashing and having troubles then brought up my ex story blah blah blah. I could not wait to get home and on this site so I could retrieve my sanity. We will all stick together and get through this. Bless you tonight and don't be so hard on yourself. What would you tell me.....
Freedom101
Freedom101's picture
I often refer to the
I often refer to the phrase...there's no such thing as an original thought. In our case, what you are describing is something we have all done. We don't learn from perfection. We learn from our mistakes. The fact you are recognizing something is off is the sign that you are growing and learning. If you were doing it and hiding it and pretending you were perfect to everyone else you would be fooling yourself. You're not. You're here being honest and admitting your mistakes. Be proud of yourself and forgive yourself for being normal.
kungpowcat
kungpowcat's picture
We all feel like that, at
We all feel like that, at times, I think. I am NC, but yep, I'm still checking all my blocks and spam and logs to see if he's tried to contact me. WTF? I should stop doing that. It's like a step forward, and two steps back. It sounds like work and just a general tough day is adding to this feeling, so maybe it's early bed and try and think again clearly tomorrow what is the right path for you moving forward. xoxoxo p.s. It was me about the money. I'm gong to try and let it go...I know, it sucks, but I don't want my family to know, and I don't want court, which is where it would go because he has already promised 962 times to pay me back. It's time to think of it as lost money.