nadine31's story

I have never been so angry in my life

Basically, I found out three weeks ago that the N I had been with for one year was consistently preying on and sleeping with new women. On a weekly basis! Right from the very start of the relationship. He admits to about 12 women overall but I believe there were more.

This included weekly sex with an extremely sick (both mentally and physically) ex-GF that he had dumped a few months before he and I got together. What's worse, this ex-GF sits behind me at work. The N knew we worked together, of course (his words: "I didn't design the situation!"). At home, he would often laugh about why someone he had "jilted" was still such a "fan" of his - was all over his Facebook, etc.

I had no idea the joke was actually on me.

The N presents as a true old-fashioned gentleman. He would often make comments about how badly other men treated - or spoke about - other women. He would critique misogynistic rap music. Once he even shied away from a lingerie commercial while we were watching television, saying it made him feel uncomfortable. Basically, he crafted a very convincing image of a wholesome, ethical guy.

To make things worse, he was always very non-sexual with me. I noticed it right from the start. He would never 'finish', so to speak, and at various points blamed it on me, by saying "I can't feel you". He said he'd never had this problem with other women. (For the record, I'd never had this problem with other men.) Still, it has made me feel extremely inadequate. As though I was his GF on paper, and he went elsewhere for sex because, as he said, he found it "hard" to sleep with me. I have had no children.

Funnily enough, he was always very proud in public to have a GF others found very sexually appealing and successful. He boasted about my looks and achievements to others, but at home was uninterested in my life or work.

Weirdly, the entire time we were together, he insisted we move in together. I always felt something wasn't quite right (maybe because he kept dumping me whenever we'd have an argument) so I resisted. The day I found out that he had been with approximately 12-15 other women over the year, he had announced once again he'd found the perfect place for us to move into.

After the discovery (I called his bluff, telling him I already knew he'd been with others. That wasn't true but it worked) we had some unhelpful talks. He said ridiculous things to rationalize his behavior, ranging from "I wish you'd come to the beach with me more often" to "We should never have got together last summer" and "We should have just taken it slowly, been friends first". He also said, "Sometimes I felt like I didn't care what happened to the relationship, and sometimes I felt like, 'she is the best thing that ever happened to you, what are you doing!'".

These bizarre comments were interspersed with emails detailing HIS pain and tears and confusion as to what he'd done. He said he had no idea why he had cheated. That he simply couldn't "resist temptation" and that he was "pathetic" and that he loved me more than anyone in the world. He said, "I have to found out why I did this or my life os over". His apology emails painted him as a passive victim.

I feel so stupid. Not just for not realizing what his hidden life entailed, but also for putting up with his shocking behavior in the relationship. Frequent blow ups about such menial things as not doing the dishes to his liking, or stirring the asparagus too often, or leaving the light on when we went out, or sending a text in front of this mother (who is profoundly narcissistic herself) because she "hates that".

I just don't even know where to start. I know he is disordered - both my psychologists have profiled him as an N - but I sometimes get scared he just couldn't perform with me sexually so he went elsewhere, and that his sex drive made him do it. Which would mean there is something wrong with me, maybe. He said he had never cheated this extremely with another partner.