narcissism or schizophrenia, which is worse?

Hi,
I'm proud to say that I have not had any contact with ex-N since the day, a couple of weeks ago (or less, can't rem. exactly), when I came on this site shaking, crying and believing that nothing anyone could say on here would help me. I was very wrong that day. I also learned that nc does not mean North Carolina! I blocked his emails and have heard nothing since.
I have a grown son with schizophrenia, which is a thought disorder. For my son it manifests as disorganized thinking.
The last time I saw the Narc was when he came here, I thought to talk -- he thought to video tape us having sex. He sat here for several hours, while I told him what a piece of shit he was. I really couldn't believe he took it that long. I gave it to him as long as he would take it though. At 4am he walked out saying he had to be in church the next day, to talk to the youth group about war.
I had calmed down a bit while he was here and fortunately stood strong the rest of his visit. At one point he was admitting to being able to detach from any feeling he did not like. The man is a nut.
I hear people say the word psycho a lot. Normally, I would not like this. I have had to deal with people who suffer from mental illness my whole life and my son's is my greatest sadness of all. I am a strong advocate for reducing stigma around mental illness and also using appropriate language when talking about a person who has a mental illness. I learned from a great mentor in college that putting people first, before their diagnoses, is important. Instead of saying that person is "schizophrenic," I say, that person suffers from schizophrenia. "Put the person first," she said.
So- to get to my point. While the Narc sat at my bar telling me how he could detach (as if I had not learned that already!)- I said to him, "That is a symptom of a serious mental illness, possibly BPD. You know (my son) does that sometimes."
"Well," the arrogant jerk said, "I hope I don't have anything like he has!" I had learned by this time that he was a nut, a manipulator, a liar, a cheater, an abuser, a womanizer and sexually perverted (the latter of which I am not using loosely), and yep, a psycho, even thou I don't like the word.
"No, you don't have what my son has," I told him. "My son has feelings for other people. He knows how to apologize. He feels sadness and remorse when he hurts someone's feelings."
"You know what you are doing so I don't know what you're diagnosis is," I added, because I didn't know what a narcissist was until I came to this site a few weeks later.
My son and I had known this man for 25 years b/c he is my life ins. agent and we always thought he was a nice guy. Boy were we wrong. I got involved with him when I called him last Nov. and asked to borrow a little money from my policy. He responded with, "I have always loved your face and you know I've always wanted to photograph it, so I could pay you that much for some pictures of your face." I told him I did not enjoy modeling and I was sick, but he called many times each day after that begging to let him come see me. So I did. Huge mistake! But I made it and now am living with it.
We went out to eat one night and my son came along, I'm sure the guy didn't really want him there, but he had to fake it 'cause he had a plan right?
My son asked politely, "Are you still married?" The guy lied to us. Eloquently too. He told my son that he was my friend, had always been my friend and how much he thought of me and blah blah blah. All lies. My son knows when people lie. He has a keen sense about him, just as I do. I asked my son's advice later. He didn't want to give it. "It really isn't any of my business Mom. I don't want to tell you what to do."
I begged him. "Please tell me what your take is."
"I think he is lying. I think you should never see him again, ever. I don't think you should even talk to him because I think he will hurt you Mom." As he walked out the door he turned and said, "I'm sorry I shouldn't have given you advice."
I thanked him. I reassured him that it was okay to give advice if someone asked for it. I told him I truly appreciated his honesty. I did not listen. I was so lonely in life and this man knew how to get to me, and he did.
So, my son has what the doctors have said is, "arguably one of the worst diseases a person can get." It is a hard illness to treat b/c the drugs used to treat schizophrenia can be very dangerous and even deadly. My son and I went to three funerals in '07 -'08, each one had died from a shot of an antipsychotic. Very very sad. Then an MD told my son that he should not take these drugs b/c they were causing his liver tests to be abnormal and his dad's side of his family has a genetic liver disease. Even without medication, which my son actually needs, he is by far a better human being than this very destructive and mean man is. By far!
This man has admitted to being the sleeze-bag that he is yet he still thinks he is better than a person with schizophrenia is. WRONG!
He said the last time I spoke to him, "I have a mental illness too you know."
It made me sick. I know many people with serious mental illnesses. They are good people. They go to doctors, therapists and try hard to do the best they can in life. They are sensitive people, too sensitive in fact and that is often part of their illness.
This man, this abusive liar and cheater does not deserve a place at the table where those of us with a "mental illness," have. That is what I think. I don't know what psychiatrists would say and frankly, I don't care. I think of all the people I have met through out my journey with depression, anxiety and PTSD, and I think of my son and his friends who have schizophrenia. No-- this man does not belong with any of us.
I would rather my son have schizophrenia than to be a narcissist. Unfortunately, some of the symptoms of schizophrenia are similar to narcissism. But it is the source that is so different.
So, this man may live the rest of his life thinking he is better off than my son is but I beg to differ. The only part that is worse is that my son suffers and this man does not.
I would give my legs if my son could get cured. In a flat second I would! Both of them! I would do anything on earth for my son to get better! One thing I'm doing is to stay away from this man. I do not want my son to think it is okay to let people abuse you. I do not want him to be exposed as I have been to what I consider to be the most destructive relationship a person can be in-(one with a narcissist).
Part of me wants to write this man and tell him how much better a person my son is than him. I'd like to tell him that I think better of the slugs on my front porch than him.
This man's father was shot and killed when he was 10. Well, the first narc I loved-- his father shot him when he was 10. They both ended up at the same place, being a narc.
I was exposed to terrible things as a child. My dad once sat at our door, while my mother and my two sisters and I sat together on the sofa. My dad had a large gun and a large knife and dared us to move.
My dad was an alcoholic. He was mean when he drank. He quit drinking before he died. He began going to AA. My dad cried the rest of his life, literally! He could not stop crying. He cried on his death bed. He was so incredibly sorry for the things he had done when he drank. He told me he had failed me. He told me he was so sorry. I loved my dad. I was proud of my dad when I went to AA meetings with him. I was proud to hear him say he was an alcoholic.
I don't go around being mean and lying and hurting people and my dad with his gun was surely not my only childhood trauma. I have a great deal of empathy for people who suffer. That is what I took from my childhood traumas.
I do not have any empathy for this man though. I just don't. He does not belong to us, us who suffer from mental illness. He belongs in his own category.
I am lonely, and lately due to not having any support from family and even the opposite-- they critisize me sometimes for living on disability. They tell me to forget my childhood, as they have. My brother has said awful things to me. He said I caused my son to get schizophrenia for raising him in liberal towns. He said it was all my fault.
So, yesterday I almost called the Narc! For a moment I thought to myself, I don't have anyone. My family thinks poorly of me even though I am a good mother and try so hard to help myself and my son. I do not burden my family. I do not ask for money or anything. Yet I cannot seem to get respect from them so for a moment I thought maybe God will not help me. Maybe this Narc is the best I can do. He would come and have sex with me. I thought for a moment that being touched by another human being would be better than nothing at all.
I have not called thank God. I remain very lonely and very sad. I wonder who God is and why I was put here. I have been helping people since I was five years old. So why would God put me here when I am so alone. Too sick to go out and make new friends.
I have two dogs though. They come to me when I cry. They lay their heads on my lap. One of them literally jumps on the bed and covers my legs. He weighs about 80 lbs. I weigh about 100 so when he does this my tears turn to laughter. The other dog copies him. Since she cannot get on my legs she chooses my belly. So there I am in a bed of tears literally covered by two dogs who don't know what else to do. And I say thank you to God, even thou I don't understand why I am on this earth!
My son who suffers from schizophrenia is a much better human being than this man ever will be. My dogs who lick each others butts are more worthy of life than this man is.
That is my story for the day. Thank you for listening!
Thank you for teaching me what narcissism is and that nc does not mean North Carolina. It means NO CONTACT!
I have a blog that helps me too. I am at http://dogkisses.wordpress.com/
Thank you.