Narcissists and Sex

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#1 Jan 13 - 10AM

Lookonthesunnyside

Narcissists and Sex

Hi everyone! Im new to this site and looking for some input about some personal issues I had with my ex who Im pretty sure is a narcissist. The is the jist of our sexual issues:

At first sex was normal although I could tell he had been having one night stands/meaningless sex forever because he was very distant. It got better over time though after we got closer, actually it was amazing. We then became more open and started to discuss fantasies and have dirty talk. I basically indulged him in some really dirty fantasies because it made me feel close to him, and I did enjoy it. But then it started to become what he wanted 90% of the time. Using the f word and fantasizing about me acting like a pornstar, having threesomes with 2 guys, having sex infront of a group of people. He once even called me a "slut" in bed which I immediately vetoed. I felt like he was trying to recreate porn with me (I know he has a porn problem), and had several talks with him about how I wanted "nice" sex most of the time and dont want to be f'd everytime I sleep with my boyfriend. He would always agree and be more loving in the bedroom the next couple times but it would always go back to this.

Also, towards the end of our relationship he yelled at me on two occasions while drunk because I either couldnt have sex because it hurt or because I wasnt in the mood. The next day he claimed on both occasions to not remember.

Once during sex I also saw him in the mirror looking basically into space as if he was concentrating on something else. I felt like I wasnt enough for him and he had to picture one of these "dirty" situations. Even though I know Im sexually attractive (not to be cocky), and in good shape, and he always told me I was the hottest girl he'd even been with (true as far as I know :)) and that I turned him on more than anyone.

What is with this behaviour??? I think he honestly lacks respect for women and that porn has seriously altered what turns him on.

Anyone else had this problem with a narcissist? God it really hurts your self esteem. I hope I never have to deal with a guy like that again.

Anyways I would love love love some feedback as this is not stuff I really feel comfortable talking to many of my friends about :/

Thanks! xo

#2 Jan 13 - 3PM

Dee30

my exnarc

Mine was an esxhibitonist, liked to "pull it out" on random occasions (no idea why, clearly that didn't turn me on), foreplay sucked if there was any, he like porn, he often talked about threesomes which I told him he is a disgusting jerk for even mentioning it. He liked doing sexual perverse things to me, like ejaculating on my face or into my mouth without telling me, called me bitch when we had sex depsite my many protests, fondling me in crude manners in public, sex seemed a bit mechanical and cold to me at times, liked to do it in public places..if his friends were around, wanted them to hear us having sex... He was an immature jerk really..

#3 Jan 13 - 3PM (Reply to #18)

Alissa

Are they all the same?? My N

Are they all the same?? My N did that too.. those sexual perverse things (the ejaculating on face), his ultimate fantasy come true. Ugh. He was always telling me how he fantasizes about masturbating on me and my face

#4 Jan 13 - 1PM

Lisa87

I could have written this, or

I could have written this, or maybe you were with my ExN too! lol He had major sex addition/perversion....porn and masturbation issues too. Once in New Orleans we watched a gay porn at his suggestion and not to be graphic but he wanted things put up his ass so not quite sure what that means either (gay/bi?). I think with age he was getting worse and worse, he is 50. In the beginning I didn't think he liked sex, he was a smart successful businessman, nice, sweet, gentle, loving, generous and we had great normal sex. Always said he loved me and I never felt more loved and protected by such a wonderful man. Slowly... the perverted stuff came around and over time it got worse and worse and after 2nd breakup and his hoovering he told me he was involved in swinging, orgies, whatever....and tried to get me to do those things too. He actually took me to an adult only place in Mexico and lied to me when he went back to our room one night and left me out at the hotel bar alone (I think he invited a couple that were swingers to come there so he could watch, etc). I never indulged him, I gave in to talking and some fantasies and we had fun....but in the end it wasn't enough. I knew even if I had succumbed to his wishes it wouldn't make him want me more, it would make my self esteem take a nosedive. I'm glad I stayed strong and didn't give in. He can use someone else for his sickness. He told me he would marry me...basically if I would be his sex slave (not in those words but thats what it boiled down too). All about them being in control and using us for whatever suits them.

#5 Jan 13 - 1PM

Lookonthesunnyside

Wow this site is GREAT! Thank

Wow this site is GREAT! Thank you everyone for the replies. It helps to knwo Im not alone, although I feel badly for all of us having to go through this. I can definitely relate to feeling ashamed of some of the things I agreed to do, especially with someone I didnt trust?! What was I thinking? Ugh...god. Such a yucky feeling. But, we were all clearly trying to please the person we were with. And in normal loving relationships (which we were hoping we all had), you can be kinky and open and not feel degraded and shamed afterwards. I do think its a way to keep the other person at bay and avoid intimacy. Although...my ex was nice and mushy sometimes? He only once said I love you during sex though. I told a friend this and she was shocked. And my ex's mom is crazy too! A TERRIBLE person. I think I will write a post about her, crazy nut... So happy I found this place :)

#6 Jan 13 - 1PM

abusednomore

hey

hey, ur situation is the exact same as mine was, everything u said was how my exnarc was! and tbh it makes me feel better that i dont have to put up with that crap anymore, i used to dread the night times in the end as he couldnt acknowledge that wanting the pervy stuff, even if it was "just" heels and stockings was not what i wanted to do after a day of work and then looking after my daughter! he couldnt understand why i didnt "want" him and used to say that lots of other women would love to have their boyfriend fancy and want them soooo much! god, loves themselves much! he once sat on the bed naked jus shakin "it" at me sayin "look im hard i want u"!!!! yeh that really turns me on! he also couldnt understand that asking for sex that night while we were having breakfast was a real turn off, and even though i told him that many times, he still insisted on asking for it every day! eventually he turned me off so much but he couldnt understand why and when he left he said that he needed sex and i couldnt fulfill that anymore! how lovely! so he took nothing on board about what i had said the whole time we were together! even more proof that these narcs are just out for their own gains. Lets thank our lucky stars that we arent in this drama and game playing anymore. I laugh as well cos they never change and when i think how smug the OW is cos she got my man, i just think "yeh luv, but i know what u hav to do to fulfill him, so u jus carry on cos im the one thats laughing knowing how much u have to degrade yourself to fulfill his pleasure"!!!! haha!xxxxx

#7 Jan 13 - 1PM (Reply to #11)

Alissa

Such a turn off.. my N would

Such a turn off.. my N would always lower his pants and show 'it' to me, shaking it a bit . Such a turn off!!!!! What did he think?? That showing me that thing without a warning would get me all in the mood??? Noooooo!

#8 Jan 13 - 2PM (Reply to #14)

Im_always_fine

LOL....my friends husband use

LOL....my friends husband use to do that and say,"Wanna ride the old rooster?" One of my X's thought spitting on was fingers is foreplay.

#9 Jan 13 - 1PM (Reply to #12)

abusednomore

lol nooooooo! i mean they rnt

lol nooooooo! i mean they rnt the most beautiful thing to look at anyway so why do they think shakin it in front of us or just having it on display is gonna make us want it! hahaha! his mum said to me, or rather screamed at my dad down the phone that her son left me as i used to give him dirty looks! i shud hav replied yes i used to give ur son dirty looks when he used to shake his horrible small crusty penis at me poking out of his skanky pyjama bottoms in the morning!!!!! wouldnt u!!!! lol!

#10 Jan 13 - 3PM (Reply to #13)

Alissa

hahahahaha soooooo funny!!!

#11 Jan 13 - 1PM

janemarie

The exNarc always wanted as I

The exNarc always wanted as I call...a theatre production...He loved the dirty talk (which I provided but not thoroughly enjoyed) I felt pressured...thinking of what to say..instead of enjoying what I was feeling... Then the mirror...he always loved to look at us in the mirror..he had mirrors everywhere (wow..never thought of that before...creepy) And again...another show would take place... It was never about love..never about me...always about him and the fantasy.... They are freaks!!!!

#12 Jan 13 - 6PM (Reply to #9)

bgirl

The mirror obsession.....omfg

#13 Jan 13 - 1PM

Im_always_fine

The NARC/pimp CLAIMS to be

The NARC/pimp CLAIMS to be kinky but that hasn't been case. I like a bit of naughtiness but the NARC/pimp is totally vanilla. What very little sex we have is mechanical and hollow(boring) He withdraws and starts fights to avoid intimacy. One thing he doesn't know that I've figured out...the more he avoids me but then says he can't initiate because I always reject him is the more he's sexting, phone fucking and meeting up with other women. He then FLIPS it and says he went to other women because I reject him. PHHT! If...IF we should(accidently)have sex, within 24 hours he's screaming and crying about SOMETHING to do with it. He ALWAYS finds a way to complain and make it UGLY even if he has concoct something (he really lives in a soap opera in his head) With the NARC/pimp and MAYBE your man it's the fear of intimacy. Making love is too up close and personal. I think they know what total frauds they are and the closer we get the better we see them...and that's the last thing they want...to be exposed. Also sex is bonding...the NARC/pimp's mother is an icy cold blooded, cruel, snake who never bonded with her children. She still takes a sinister pleasure in emotionally tormenting the 2 that are left alive. He has a deep subconscious aversion to bonding with women. But I don't care anymore...he's a dud.

#14 Jan 13 - 12PM

TNR1

Welcome...

If I have learned anything while being on this site, it's that nothing the Narc does is about you. The Narc views everyone as supply and the women he is with as objects. It's not the most pleasant thought in the world, but it will certainly help to understand why you felt so disconnected from him. Mr. N used to tell me all the time I was "the best he ever had". He compared me to exs, to his previous OW and to his current gf. Narcs love to set up comparisons and use those to either push us away or (more often) draw us closer. If he compliments you, isn't it easier then for you to do exactly what he wants you to. Believe me, these guys are master manipulators. Mr. N loved anal. I think he loved it because he wasn't looking directly at me. He was doing exactly what you describe...he was in his own fantasy while using my body. You will certainly find lots of threads on this topic. Sex is one area that gets lots questions because these men are so earily alike.

#15 Jan 13 - 1PM (Reply to #6)

Alissa

"he was in his own fantasy

"he was in his own fantasy while using my body" That's a very good description. My N wanted anal too, I wouldn't give it to him though since he was always in a hurry, but it's so obvious that I was nothing but a TOY to him

#16 Jan 13 - 12PM

Movingforwardnow

yes, unfortunately....

Mine was also a weirdo about sex and I fell for a lot of the crap. Did some things I am totally ashamed of and struggle to get over. It was like I was brainwashed into some disgusting situations. I also put up with some sick stuff he'd do on his own with out me....with men. Hard to admit to this crap....but yes mine was also weirdo about sex, porn, threesomes, masturbation, guys, and much younger girls. As far as I know he wasn't with any much younger girls but I know it was a fantasy of his and I know he'd live out that fantasy if it presented itself. Gross and I still am working through the shame and the guilt. You are not alone. Welcome!

#17 Jan 13 - 11AM

fraidythecat

sounds like

it to me.... I'm still doing a lot of research and reading myself, but my ex n started out very lovingly, attentive, complimentary... then, it got more mechanical. Then, it got downright awkward. I wasn't doing something right or right when he wanted it and he'd get pissy about it - he seemed to forget there was someone else in the room who enjoyed sex, too - ME, Hellow! - and yes, towards when it turned out to be the end, he referred to me as a whore, (like as in HIS whore) and the final issue was ED - but you see, it was ME who was "stretched out"..... (NOT!) Oh, and even though he thought all he had to do was stick it in, when I didn't scream and shout in ecstasy, once again, there must be something wrong with ME b/c ALL of the other women he'd ever slept with ALWAYS had pillow biting, blanket tearing orgasms.... uh huh, sure they did.... But, b/c I wasn't as experienced as he made himself out to be - I actually questioned myself.... oh lord. The mind can do strange things to us can't it? I daresay he just grew tired of making love to a beautiful, sensual woman who was really into him. :) He needed drama of some sort. Thankfully, he never hurt me in order to get it. It is a self esteem killer - for sure. But only if we let it be. Working REALLY hard to regain my confidence before I go into any other dating. I don't ever want to feel the need to be validated again! fc

#18 Jan 13 - 10AM

lettinggoNP44

Wow...

Well, my Narc was perverted/twisted in bed too. Liking it only in one particular position, wanting a threesome with other women, he had a masturbating problem and porn issue too as well as other fetishes (no details necessary). He DEFINITELY is an extreme misogynist, although he tries to come off as this extreme lover of women (he's married and has a baby daughter too). I don't know how much help I'll be, since I'm still trying to figure it out. I know that Narcs don't have a sense of self, they are trying to sell an image, and my Narc definitely tried to sell himself as this sort of Don Juan-type, telling me I would never find another lover as good as him. If I ever even alluded to him not being good in bed, that's when he'd get really angry. He'd be ridiculously emotive out of bed ie: "I love you so much" "I'm obsessed with you" blah blah, but he took it to another level when we were physical. It's hard to even think about. The whole mirage...hope this helps!

#19 Jan 13 - 10AM

spinning

Hi, looking and welcome

to the forum, though I'm sorry you had to land here. This subject comes up quite frequently. Sex with the PD is "interesting" to say the least (or maybe the most). Narcissists objectify all women. Many have porn addictions. You must not take their sexual actions toward you personally. You are merely used as an object to meet their sexual needs of the moment. There is rarely any true intimacy involved, and many of us have had the exact same experiences as you describe here. Sex is another area where it's truly All About Them, though until we understand that all women are merely objects to them there can be a tendency to take their actions personally and feel "not good enough," etc. The more you read on this subject the more you will understand that it is not personal at all...which is why sex with them is often so weird and unlike any other sexual encounter with a non-disordered person. Here is a blog from Goldie that might help. Also, if you read back on the 1-3 forum, you will run across some threads about sex and the N's. http://www.lisaescott.com/2011/12/02/sex-pd I hope this helps, looking, and I am so glad you are looking on the sunny side! There is light at the end of the tunnel, trust me! Sincerely, (not) spinning. AND IT FEELS GREAT

spinning

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