Narcs and Christianity

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#1 Aug 15 - 9PM
rosedewittbukater
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Narcs and Christianity

I am sure that this question has been asked before, but it is something that has been eating at me. Did your Narc profess to be a Christian? If so, especially if you are of this faith, how did you or do you reconcile this??? Mine went to church with me during the idealization phase but of course after the mask came off she wanted no part of it. Just wondering what your experiences were and how anyone might have managed to make sense of it.

Sep 1 - 12PM
Deidre40
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I read this thread the other

I read this thread the other day. I actually had a very brief fling with a narcissist, last summer…he is a devout christian. I remember throughout the time we dated, which was really brief…like less than two months…he would tell me that he is called by God to be a prophet. I remember thinking how bizarre that sounded. I didn’t know anything about narcissism. I won’t judge someone’s walk with Christ, not my place. But, from what I know about him…(we had a friendship for a while after the breakup but that ended about a month ago, when I couldn’t take his narc nonsense anymore) he strikes me as someone who ‘’uses’’ religion to get women. He commented a few months ago…’’dee, women want a Godly man, and they see that in me.’’ Oh brother. Spare me. Godly men don’t hurt women for sport, dude. I remember trying to help him see the err of his ways, but he would give me the silent treatment. I now no longer care. But, this thread brought back memories to all that. After we broke up, I came to this site. And what I have learned is that narcissists will use just about anything to get what they want—supply. I won’t go as far as to say he uses God. But, he uses his faith to build himself up to women. I’ve witnessed it, I experienced it, and he’s still doing it, sadly.
Sep 1 - 8AM
Anabelle
Anabelle's picture

God save us

Yes was a super cristian. Not even that. He was CONSTANTLY talking about cristian values and their importance in life.. I mean in the life of others, because values dont really apply to him, rather than his own rules :)
Sep 1 - 4AM
2heal
2heal's picture

My Narc was a total Christian

My Narc was a total Christian (according to him). God spoke to him and he delivered the messages to me and(others). When he did something so amazing, he said it wasn't him it was God. He actually had bible study once a week for a while. He had the bible memorized...scripture verse by verse. He would call scripture out every time we had an argument. I thought...He was a MAN OF GOD. How could he lie and cheat? Now I know it was part of the process called brainwashing. Get this, every time he got caught cheating with OW he said Jesus forgave 77 times 77. Really ?? of course I forgave him. Every time I would question his integrity or honesty, he would call out scripture that God works on people with shortcomings...ugh !!! God was working on him and he was changing.. of course I believed him. I was very brainwashed,(he was that good at the art of manipulation) I actually thought he could be right!!Poor thing he is trying so hard. He will change. I finally woke up to the cycle of abuse one woman at time (each time a different one) One lie at a time...so many lies that it became redundant. After going through the cycle a few times ....I understood that God was a good cover for Mr. Nice guy and it worked for his divine plan. He has a harem of women falling for his crap and uses each one of them like he used me for whatever he could get. A RED FLAG...I missed. AND GUESS WHAT.....4 years have passed and HE HAS NOT CHANGED. HE WON'T CHANGE BECAUSE HE CANT'T....HE IS MENTALLY NOT THERE... DISORDERED. I truely hope this helps someone... I am still fresh in the healing stage. I know I still have a ways to go, but like all the wonderful people on this board suggest...NC NC NC is really the only way out !!!
Sep 1 - 1AM
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

Lots of hippocrites in and

Lots of hippocrites in and out of church. And going to a Christian church doesnt make one a Christian. Attempting to follow Christ's path, earnestly, is my definition.Name a real narc who qualifies. I'm open to the possibility, but dont see any around me. ds
Aug 28 - 10AM
Sunafterrain
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My ex

Was a licensed Pastor and belonged to a church where he sat on the board, all during our affair. He loved it, at the time, and while still married, that people had to "vote" to put someone on the board and they voted for HIM. He had absolutely NO QUALMS whatsoever sitting on that board, helping to make decisions for others for the sake of the church, then speeding to my place for sex right after. This always bothered me and I encouraged him to get his ass OFF the board. Eventually he did. When his wife divorced him, evil was driven away from the church. FF to new wife of about two months, total knowing five months, he has completely changed his denomination as well as his political affiliation LOL! There is much scripture about false prophets in the church and those that attempt to lead others away from their faith. That's why these predators are so dangerous. These are the idiots who are a perfect example of those that go to church on Sunday/Wednesday or whatever and NEVER live up to a single set of values or morals. They can do this because they are WITHOUT conscience. Just because you stand in a garage does not make you a car, nor does sitting in church make you a believer. I believe psychopaths will ultimately pay the highest price in the end. MANY are led astray by human predators. I no longer go to church, but my faith is intact. It is far too triggering for me now, but I know that I don't have to go to church to pray, to love, to care or to help others in the ways that God would have me do. I think it's very important to state that God is NOT going to intervene with individuals who exert a free will and are again, WITHOUT CONSCIENCE, and make them all better. Psychopaths are not curable. They could care less. This is where, if you choose to forgive, it is FOR YOU, not for them. Personally, I think acceptance of what they are is as good as it gets for me, rather than forgiveness. I don't see the benefits in forgiving someone who PURPOSELY harms others. That is exactly what they do and they care NOT a thing about it.
Aug 26 - 2PM
LuckySpurs
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Wolves in Sheep's Clothing

Yes, both N's I've known profess to be Christians. I remember vividly my stepdad giving his testimony at a youth rally one evening about how God had delivered him from drug addiction and the drug gang world. However, later that very same evening he went out and got himself some meth, like normal, and my mom gave me the "don't tell anyone about this" talk so that his holier-than-thou false image could go on. He still does this to this day and he normally has most people eating out of his hand. He's a snake, not a Christian. My former best friend told me she was a Christian, but the only time she ever went to church was when I dragged her there. Towards the end of our friendship she admitted she was Wiccan too. Funny thing is she acts Christian when it suits her and she will wear the holier-than-thou crown too if it suits her purposes, but it all depends on who she is talking to and what they value as their religion. In my own humble opinion, judging by their actions neither one of them are saved because in order to be saved, one must repent and acknowledge God is God and since we all know that N's think they are gods'; it's highly unlikely that any of them will come to repentance. That is unless God intervenes, because God can save anyone he chooses, but that will be apparent in their lives if God chooses to save them.
Aug 20 - 7PM
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

OMG Yes!

I am Agnostic. We had a long-distance relationship for a little over a year and he was coming out of a 25-year marriage. He went to church every Sunday with his family before his separation when he quit going altogether. He couldn't go to the church he had been going to, because his wife had blown his cover. His version was that she was telling everyone lies and bad-mouthing him (which I believed at the time), but we all know now she was telling the truth. He burned those community bridges. Supposedly he had been going to church his whole life (raised Catholic), but converted to some other non-denominatioal Christian religion as a young man. And he really seemed to know his Bible, and probably did because this seems to work well for him in targeting other Christian women. He even claimed that he taught marriage classes at his church at one time! HA! What a joke! When he dumped me for the OW, one of the things he told me that made her more compatible for him is that she was very religious and they had the same beliefs. They could attend church together which was extremely important to him to do that again. He missed it soooooo much (eyes rolling). What a load of crap. He is one of the biggest hypocrites I have ever met in my entire life and it disgusts me how he has everyone fooled. Breaks more commandments in one day than most people do in a lifetime. This new woman is perfect long-term supply for his community image as the devout Christian and family man. Barf.
Sep 1 - 1AM (Reply to #34)
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

A narc has a reason for

A narc has a reason for everything, lol. Isnt it nice we dont have to listen to the bullshit anymore!!!! Yes it is :):):):) ds
Aug 22 - 1PM (Reply to #33)
Chels1974
Chels1974's picture

Yup, yup....

I'm an atheist. It's something that I will talk about if someone asks me, but not something I volunteer. In the entire time I knew N, religion came up exactly 3 times. The first time we were just having a discussion on beliefs. His was that he believed in God, but believed in science too. The second time was right after his sister died and he told me "I don't believe in god anymore." To which I replied "that makes me really sad, your faith is part of who you are and I love all of you." The third and final time was when he told me out of the blue that he had just realized that he was in love with a girl he had known for 18 months (that had been engaged to another guy up until the week prior), and that my being atheist was the cause of all of his emotional problems and that I had damaged his psyche. He told me that he was in love with OW (after a week) and wanted to marry her. She was 26 to his 40. He actually sent me 3 pages of proverbs about adulterous women, it started with "1 My son, pay attention to my wisdom, turn your ear to my words of insight, 2 that you may maintain discretion and your lips may preserve knowledge. 3 For the lips of the adulterous woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; 4 but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword. 5 Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave. 6 She gives no thought to the way of life; her paths wander aimlessly, but she does not know it. 7 Now then, my sons, listen to me; do not turn aside from what I say. 8 Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house, 9 lest you lose your honor to others and your dignity to one who is cruel..." Now he has been going to church every week, (not with OW, that only lasted 3 weeks...), but for all his "new found" religion, he hasn't once felt the need to apologize in any way to me for basically stealing my money for 16 months by having me pay almost all his bills. I did point out to him that sex outside of wedlock was a sin as well, so I guess we'll both burn...That didn't go over so well LOL
Aug 21 - 2AM (Reply to #32)
Jelickuk
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Ditto Barf barf

Ditto Barf barf
Aug 19 - 8PM
wisdomneeded
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exceptional

topic...thanks for posting this. This is a very confusing aspect of the N which emotionally damaged my 18 year old daughter. The N allowed her to believe that she actually led him back to Christianity. He would pray with her and go church....all the while manipulating, lying to her and trying to take her virginity. He is only 19 and has already done that to two other girls. My daughter wants above all for him to really become a Christian and prays for him daily....I hate him for what he tried with her. She is all about forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation which is another lie he told. That evil at 19 years old is pretty terrifying. He knew exactly what he was doing. She did not end up having sex with him, but did go further than she wanted to. At one of the church services there was an open baptism and she went forward-the N knew he wasn't going to get any further with her after that and dumped her two weeks later. This was in February - it has been a long season of healing. God is faithful and is bringing her through this.
Aug 21 - 6PM (Reply to #30)
rosedewittbukater
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Wisdom

ugggh - I am so sorry this happened to your daughter! They can be shameless! I am glad to hear that your faith has remained strong though. Peace, Rose
Aug 19 - 2PM
onthewayout
onthewayout's picture

persecuted just like jesus

My N (whom I currently still live with) told me during a "discussion" the other day...............I need to quit persecuting him, but , hey, Jesus was persecuted also, and look what happened.... I didnt answer him. LOL
Aug 19 - 5PM (Reply to #27)
lillymarch
lillymarch's picture

OH GOD!

My exN compares himself to Jesus, Martin Luther King Jr., JFK, and many other famous and great men/leaders. So, cheating and lying and being a mean terrible husband is the way to go. He even told me to look at Hillary Clinton. I looked it up the next day and she forgave Bill Clinton for his Monica L episode. Can you believe this crap?!
Sep 1 - 12AM (Reply to #28)
onthewayout
onthewayout's picture

They really are fucking crazy

Yes, dear, you are equal if not better to jesus, mlk, and all other great men.....NOT! It makes me laugh now how their perception of themselves is so totally whacked.
Aug 16 - 1PM
ValiditySeeker
ValiditySeeker's picture

Worst part of it

Was that he professed to be a Christian. He was a member of the Baptist Student Union and went to church frequently. That only contributed to my confusion about him. He said one thing and went to church, volunteered, quoted scripture, judged others for their in-Christian behavior. etc. On the other hand, he refused to tip waiters, stole merchandise from Wal-Mart, stole my CDs and money, never showed up on time for our dates, always took more than his share, and never, ever uttered the words, "I'm sorry." He could justify any fucking act, no matter how egregious. He believed that he was without fault. He even killed my roommate's pet but did not feel bad about it. My cognitive dissonance was unbelievable. It took me a long whole to realize that although he truly considers himself to be Christian, God does NOT live in his heart. He hasn't got one.
Aug 16 - 8AM
kateyjulius
kateyjulius's picture

Head of the Household

Oh, I also received this text: "I have the God Ordained Authority to dispel evil from my home to protect my family!" (He literally chased a Christian friend of mine around the kitchen and out the door because she was telling him that it may be a good idea that him and I separate for awhile). So what he means is: he thinks he has the "God Ordained Authority to dispel a good friend of mine from OUR home because HE thinks she's evil by having an opinion that differs from his?"
Aug 16 - 7AM
kateyjulius
kateyjulius's picture

How to be a successful hypocrite:

I wrote this yesterday because I just couldn't bare watching him anymore: (His new woman is a friend I made 2 years ago at the domestic abuse center (divorced 3 times)-she found out I was his ex-wife after they had already started seeing eachother but she tells me "He does not show me that side of himself. He is good to me and my daughter and I have never been treated so good by a man.") They both are worried about my "salvation" and "walk with God". It has been almost too much for me to handle emotionally. Talk about feeling disbelieved, invalidated and betrayed... How to be a Successful Hypocrite: Go to church every Sunday. Dress up and look nice for everyone to see. Sit in the front if you can. Get down on one knee and bring yourself to tears if possible-to look as if you're truely remorseful. Now, since you have everyone convinced you're holy (oh make sure you learn enough scripture to work to your advantage also)you can say and do whatever you wish because you should be able to spin your words enough to always be right. You can even be judgemental of others - all in the name of GOD! If you get caught doing something that is different than your public image ("out of character") you will have all of your church goings, church friends, mens group, sunday school group and scripture to back you up. You will now be able to live a double life. Manipulate, lie and spin the realities of the truely innocent (your ex-wife, kids, new women, etc...)so they will stand behind you through the craziness. If the wife figures you out (now your ex-wife so yes), DENY, DENY, DENY! Even thru all your unturstworthy behavior, never admit to anything! If you lose her, find aother gullible, sweet and innocent woman to take her place. Repeat until you DIE!
Aug 21 - 9AM (Reply to #23)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

How to be a successful hypocrite:

This sums up mine perfectly!
Aug 16 - 8AM (Reply to #22)
Joy2me
Joy2me's picture

This made me cry!

Your story sounds almost identical to mine! My ex did the samething! He went to church, sat in the front, same spot every time. He cried for everyone to see, everyone thought they were seeing "remorse, repentenance", but really all he was remorsed and sorry for was that he got caught. Then to top things off, before we get divorced he starts another affair and guess where this married co-worker and him meet? You got it, church, they would be met there every Wednesday and Sunday to see each other! I understand your feelings of anger and frustration, after he started his church campign all I would here was that he was "praying for me" all of it was drenched in sarcasm! Now that we are divorced and I have had no contact with him, everyone once in a while he send me an email and always starts it with "I pray you are doing well" boy it just gets under my skin!!! Joy2me
Aug 16 - 12AM
blindfaith
blindfaith's picture

yes and no

My ex professed to be a Christian. But he was very confused about God. He felt that God owed him explanations about many things,and kept saying that there are many opinions out there.He was passive about his faith. The thing is...my bible says that if someone seeks God with all their heart,they will find him. From what i saw,and from what my ex said, he was not serious about wanting to know the truth about God. I cant say for sure that my ex was using his questions and doubts about God as an excuse to not be accountable (to him),but if he really honestly wanted the truth, his heart would see it.
Aug 16 - 12AM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

The guy after the ex-Psych prof

After the final D&D, I joined a singles group at church. I briefly went out with an older man (he was at least my parents' age)... he'd comment how we first went out on the feast of the Assumption. Our relationship became an LDR after I moved back to Oregon. Then, the creepiness began when he equated me with some pure virginal sweetheart from his younger days, and he off-handedly mentioned a restraining order. The guy portrayed himself as a Family Values, Catholic man (the ex-Psych prof was openly against religion in general)... so in a way, he was more of a lure to me than the ex-P. I hadn't waited the 18 months after the D&D. The guy&I ended it over the mail before it became any more serious. I'm glad it didn't go any further.
Aug 15 - 11PM
Joy2me
Joy2me's picture

My psycho narc ex husband embraced Christanity.

During the last phase of our marriage we separated, due to his multiple affairs, it was during this time that I began learning that he was a narc and later a psychopath. During this two years he embraced christanity, he joined the men's group at church, faithfully went to church every Wednesday, Sunday. It was a very very confusing time for me, he kept trying to convince me that he was a changed man. He would accuse me of not wanting to see the change in him! I had to literally sit down and write down all the good things I saw him "doing" (going to church,bible studies, men's group). I made two columns things I saw him do and things I believed he was still doing. Then I made a list of how he was making me feel, things I caught from the corner of my eyes. Like catching him smiling to himself as he walked away from me after a huge argument, Im sitting there crying coming apart and he walks away smiling? He made me feel more confused, professing christianity but still lying, still showing no remose over what he had done. The lies! Then I had to see how each aligned with God's word. The one thing I came away with was in order to forgive we are told to rebuke, if he repents then forgive. Well I never got the truth about any of the affairs, I continued to get lies, so what was I forgiving? So with a lot praying and reading my bible this is what I came away with. Nowhere in the Bible are we instructed to 'psychoanalyze' offensive/abusive people. We are not told in the Scriptures to try and 'understand' why our abuser behaves as he does. We are not told to excuse his abuse because he himself was an abused child, he has 'issues', low self-esteem, "personality disorders", etc., etc. Instead, we are taught how to respond to abuse, and how to deal directly with offenders and their behavior, regardless of their 'reasons'. We are told, very clearly, to rebuke, to forgive if there is repentance, and to have nothing to do with him if there is no repentance. (Luke 17:3, Ezekiel 33:8-9, Titus 3:10-11, 1 Timothy 5:20, Matthew 18:15-17. After I divorced him I later found out that during those two years he was still carrying on his affair, he started another one before our divorce and moved in an entirely new family two months after the kids and I left. Do you see reprentence, remorse? I surely didn't. I am so glad that I listen to my inner feelings. "Listen! And understand! That terminator is out there. It can't be bargained with! It can't be reasoned with! It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead!"....Kyle Reese, The Terminator, 1984 Hope that helps. Joy2me
Aug 20 - 7PM (Reply to #18)
coffeeaddict66
coffeeaddict66's picture

Amen sister!

I lived it almost exactly as you did. My gut and Timothy 5:20 led me to the light and I turned away from the evil.
Aug 16 - 6AM (Reply to #17)
freaked
freaked's picture

It can't be bargained with!

Joy2me, I am reeling after reading your post. So True all that you say..especially:
Aug 15 - 11PM
Beach Dreamer
Beach Dreamer's picture

I Remember

Since I was hurt so bad at Christmas by my ex-N. I will NEVER forget the moment that I realized it all was a lie. The moment I was struck with so much heartache I thought I would die. Since then, I have come to worry about his soul. And especially since I have learned just how evil N behavior can be. It's evil to lie, cheat, and create a fraudulent storyline of feelings and emotions just to seduce someone. We were long distant lovers so he wanted visuals from me to give him his high. And thought nothing of sharing his pics with me. Thank God I was vehement about what I would consent to. I was very conservative. But he ALWAYS wanted more... I remember thinking his behavior seem like that of a predator. He had a slow thoughtout plan of how to groom me into having an emotional attachment to him after 40 yrs of being friends. Then after creating sexual tension between us he would disappear for days and weeks...driving me crazy... It's very painful to look back at how he seduced me, duped me...I really believed at the time he had feelings for me and we would be together. He created this lovely senerio of how our life would be. I personally feel that he will have to answer for his "nasty" behavior...I am concerned for his heart and soul because it seemed VOID of any conscience. So very VOID. Being Christian myself, I felt tremendous guilt when I realised he got me to be sexually intimate like we did and it wasn't real. I was crushed and then guiltstrickened. I would have NEVER EVER gotten involved like I did if I hadn't believed he loved me and we were going to be together. I have had to bypass the pain of my guilty feelings that I often express in tears by giving those feeling up and believeing that God knows my heart and he understands how I have been decieved. And he also knows that I deeply sincerely loved this man who used me...devalued me and dumped me. When I think that God also knows what goes on in this mans mind and heart ...I literally feel sick. Sick that his salvation is in HUGE jeopardy. HUGE jeopardy....This man attacked my heart and soul...not to mention used my body.....That's NOT right ....it's evil... I haven't made sense of it all ...I just am trying to move past all this pain just like so many here. And I am trying to believe that revenge and judgement is the Lord's. I don't need to give my attention to my N any more. Does that make sense to anyone out there?BD
Aug 19 - 5PM (Reply to #15)
lillymarch
lillymarch's picture

It makes complete sense!

It makes complete sense!
Aug 15 - 10PM
How could I
How could I's picture

not only profess to be a Christian

Not only does mine profess to be a Christian.......he's a Minister!
Aug 15 - 10PM (Reply to #13)
rosedewittbukater
rosedewittbukater's picture

ohhh

Wow that is a head scratcher!
Aug 15 - 10PM (Reply to #12)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

A Minister, a perfect

A Minister, a perfect profession for a narc!! Eg, Jim and Tammy Faye Baker! Now there's a team! Hunter