NARCs : Can you spot the red flags?

5 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Dec 7 - 4PM
momoya
momoya's picture

NARCs : Can you spot the red flags?

Going back over how things started with the Narc I can see the red flags that I ignored. I had never known any Narc's before him, and I had never dated one. I had no idea the lenghts these people will go to secure a supply source!

Can you look over your relationship and see the signs now that were alerting you that something was very wrong?

I can see that I was in a place in my life that made me very vulnerable and I easily accepted what he told me. I had no reason to doubt him as no one had ever lied to me before in such a manner. I trusted what he told me. But I see now that he used some terms that are now red flags to me. He idealized our past relationship, termed me "perfect for him" and said that I was everything he wanted in a woman. Now, thinking on it, after 20 years of not speaking, how did he know who I was? We both based our impressions on each other on the past. Big mistake to over look this.
He demonized his ex. He played the 'poor me' part and said his ex cheated on him, that he hated her, all she wanted was money. Clearly, he was not over her or the hurt of cheating. But really, he was lying to me and still married. And prob the one doing the cheating! How did I know what he was telling me was the truth? how do anyone us know? Big mistake again to over look these comments.

He wanted to rush out and meet me, everything seemed to be on fast forward with him...he wanted my trust, my commitment and he wanted sex from me too quickly. Now thinking back on it, we only had good sex in the very beginning. After 5 days ED started to set it. Then I noticed he couldn't connect with me intimately, would avoid eye contact. I did not discuss the ED with him, as I had no idea what to do. Now though I see that I should of asked him about it. I thought something was wrong with me, that I didn't turn him on enough.

Another thing is that at the very 1st sign that I was not TOTALLY ENAMORED with him in every way, he began to withdraw, withhold sex and eventually D&D. As soon as I began to discover that he was actually a lying cheating phoney, he was already trying to turn it around, wanting to hurt me, wanting to punish me and make me feel bad. By the time he started his silent treatment I didn't realize it was all too late to repair. It seems the Narc likes to hurt others, seems they go out of their way just find out about what will really hurt someone but they never to do anything really thoughtful or kind once they have secured you.

He was also very paranoid. We went out with my friends and when I would speak with someone just one on one, he would watch intently, almost reading our lips. I wasn't the only one who noticed this. When someone bought us a round of drinks, he actually was ticked off and said " you didn't tell me you wanted a drink" No one asked me, I just accepted. It was like everything had to come from HIM.

Looking back now I can see alot of things that were alerting me that this man was not good for me. I was feeling the inital feelings of love and there was so much good to look forward to. I felt I was being picky and trying to find fault, here he was asking me to trust and love him, and he only wanted to use and hurt me.

Now (hopefully) if we can recognize these things and educate ourselves maybe, just maybe we can spot the next Narc and show him the door. Maybe we can spare ourselves this horrible pain.

Dec 7 - 10PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

I was starting to think your

I was starting to think your Narc was my Narc but he is not married. We had a relationship 20 years ago. He demonized the EX,told me always loved me, had the E.D. Noticed him looking over my should when reading messages on my phone. Told me he just wanted me to be proud of him, love him, trust him and that he would never hurt me again. Just out of curiousity, did the E.D. hit when he looked you in the eyes? Did he tell you it was a result of his feelings for you. Mine told me "Its not just sex for me." I am married he is not. I told him at the time Im calling BS on that I know for a fact he has been with married women his comment "Not one I cared about" Nice.
Dec 8 - 9AM (Reply to #4)
momoya
momoya's picture

the ED

Re: THE ED This may be TMI but I don't care. During sexual foreplay he was rubbing me way too hard, I asked him to stop gently but he continued. I grabbed his hand, moved it away and tossed it off my body. He became instantly mad at me. He looked at me with anger in his eyes, like I did somehting wrong! He refused to speak and withheld sex.I laid next to him with my hand on his back just waiting... I tried to explain to him that he was hurting me - how could he not noitce that? He said that he hated the way I "pushed him away" he seemed to totally shut down. Wouldn't even look at me. I slept in another room that night. It was very strange. The next morning he woke me up for sex, that is when I told him I loved him, the ED hit a few mins after that. He just rolled off me and did not say a word and let me to lay there in silence. I had never experience ED with any man before. The sex we had after that night was just awful, he seemed to be disconnected from me, I could feel the distance growing. It seemed to me he was just going through the motions. (I am sure he was already planning his disappearing act to come) He would start sex, loose his erection, and just go to sleep. It was awful. There was no more passion or any kind of connection after I moved his hand away. We never had another night together like we had in the very beginning. I wanted so much to reconnect with him, it was impossible. I wish I had known then what I know now. I know after a certain age for men ED is a problem. However, when I asked him about sex he replied " I only do that when I feel like it" So really, he really didn't want to have sex with me! So why did he? If they aren't enjoying it why keep up the game? I guess he didn't want me to catch on to him but I did anyway. He is by far, the strangest man I have ever met. I can't believe that I thought I KNEW WHO HE WAS! no one knows who he really is. And, if anyone did, they wouldn't want to!! Hugs and support to you all! momoya

momoya

Dec 8 - 8AM (Reply to #3)
StillHurting
StillHurting's picture

I did not see the writing on the wall

It all seemed very real and romantic to me. He was absolutely the sweetest person to me for a very long time. The fact that he was married and "miserable" and he made "a huge mistake" was viable to me. He probably loved and needed me more than anyone I have met in my life. Just because something is fast and there is an immediate connection does not mean it is wrong. This actually does happen with couples, they meet and they know it is right. This is the way it was. I am flip flopping between hurt and anger now that I realize it is all done with forever, even though I am sort of the one making it done. It's time to end this roller coaster. The realization that it will not go anywhere, has not and if it did, I would probably be miserable. I am having a pretty hard time with it.
Dec 7 - 8PM
rosedewittbukater
rosedewittbukater's picture

Flags

Wow...reading your post was almost like reading a blow-by-blow of my own experience. I had pretty much all the same flags and then some. Mine too was a rekindling after almost a quarter of a century of not speaking. Yet, the first date (which to me was not even a date) this person practically mauled me and proposed to me 3 weeks later. Of course, once the fairy tale was over for them, the "proposal" was off the table. I should have seen the writing on the wall then. I remember, I was not ready for things to get physical after just one date, but that didn't matter to her, she took care of her own needs with me as just a backdrop. It is good that you are getting some clarity...they always say hindsight is 20/20, right? Good you will see the flags in the future and save yourself from this God awful pain, as I hope to also. Peace, Rose