New Here

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#1 Apr 4 - 12AM
Angel
Angel's picture

New Here

Hello There,

I have just joined and would like to express my thanks that such a site exists. I have had incredible support from both my therapist and my friends but, as you all know, it is very difficult to explain having been with a N to anyone who hasn't experienced it first hand.

I'm a year out of the breakup and no sign of the PTSD at this stage. Last year this time, I was lost, homeless and absolutely convinced that I had gone crazy.I would beg my therapist to just be honest and tell me which peronality disorder I had. The N had spent a year and a half telling me that there was something terribly wrong with me. Initially I knew that his behaviour was off, to say the least, but after experiencing enough of his rages, I had begun to believe him. I knew that I wasn't okay and having to act okay was a terrible strain.

I never lost that butterfly feeling when I was with him, and at the time, I didn't realise that that was actually a constant adrenaline rush, never knowing what would happen next.

I had three PTSD outbursts in our last six months together. I look back and feel like I was living out some sort of bad movie script.

After the break up, he moved on immediately and had two women before entering another long term relationship. I heard this week end he and the latest one are moving in together and that she is selling her furniture to do so. I sent her a mail through Facebook. I felt obligated to. I didn't go into any detail on my experience but did mention the PTSD and that she read all she can on N's and the effects of such a relationship. When we broke up, I was labelled crazy, the sad part being that I had definitely acted crazy. In my mail to her, I said that I did not mind wearing this label again, if it would assist her at some point in the future. I am the third of his many partners to have experienced a total meltdown whilst others left with really low self esteem. At the very least, at some future point, when this new woman is questioning her own psychological state, my words will be there for her.

It still boggles my mind that these N's move, unidentified through our society. I liken them to loaded guns, walking around amongst women and children.

On the up side, the experience has been a gift to me. I came from an abusive childhood and my break down gave me the opportunity to deal with a lot of unfinished business. Prior to the N, I had spent twelve years in a relationship with no sign of this craziness. I realise, though, that had I not been abused as a child, I would have walked away shortly after I met him. I had so many bad gut feels and yet I stayed around to watch them materialise into events.

This experience has effected me deeply. My greatest learning has been to watch behaviour in others and not listen to declarations. I also pay heed to that gut feel now and remove myself from danger without a second thought. I am currently working on a book about my learnings from the childhood and the N.

Have a good day, everyone.

x

Apr 12 - 8AM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Welcome Angel, your story

Welcome Angel, your story touched me. Read it earlier. I hope you find comfort here. :=) I especially like...I observe behaviors, and don't accept declarations. That is GOOD. Yes...narcs are ALL words. No actions. Or bad actions. lol Looking forward to getting to know you.
Apr 12 - 8AM
kgirl
kgirl's picture

Welcome Angel! You've come so

Welcome Angel! You've come so far in your recovery....that's wonderful! I thought it was so nice of you to try to reach out to his current girlfriend....you're right at least you planted the seeds that may help her in the future. This forum has been so welcoming and supportive....I hope you will feel the same. I also look forward to your incite! ~KG
Apr 11 - 9PM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Welcome to the board, Angel!

We are so glad you found us. You're right: "I have had incredible support from both my therapist and my friends but, as you all know, it is very difficult to explain having been with a N to anyone who hasn't experienced it first hand." I'm glad you found us and am thrilled to hear of the wonderful progress you are making in your recovery! xoxo
Apr 11 - 6PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Angel

Welcome to the board and thank's for sharing. I'm not sure if you noted, the forum has been modified a bit. I'm not sure what step you feel you are on...if you click on the home section, Lisa has a description of the Path Forward and each step. Steps 1-3 will be in the Share Your Story Section Steps 4-6 in the Message Board Section; however, you are free to use both boards as you see fit. If I can help you with anything or you have a question, feel free to post to the Share Your Story section and I will be happy to help you. Hugs!
Apr 8 - 8PM
Steph
Steph's picture

Welcome! You are so right in

Welcome! You are so right in saying that no one really understands unless they have been through it. And that is why these support sites are so important, like you say. I'm so sorry for what you have been through. You sound like you have learned alot about yourself and recovery is going in the right direction. You're strong! Thanks for being here. I'm sure you will be able to share much wisdom from your personal experiences. Good luck with your book and looking forward to hearing more from you! xoxo
Apr 10 - 4AM (Reply to #4)
Angel
Angel's picture

Hello There, Thanks so much

Hello There, Thanks so much for the replies and the support. Well, the girlfriend defriended me. I don't mind. At the very least, she will have a voice to echoe alongside hers in the future. I am sorry to hear that others have had PTSD. Crazy stuff that, and really scary at the time. Well, ladies, if you have been with an N, we can officially say that your not crazy. Push against something long enough and it pushes back. Happy Sunday x
Apr 5 - 7PM
Hope
Hope's picture

Welcome Angel...

Continue to stay strong...you have a lot of grace, I wish you luck with the book too...
Apr 5 - 6AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Welocme! Narcs Suck!

Welocme! Narcs Suck!