No kissing

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Sep 14 - 7PM
better off
better off's picture

Ahhh... now see. As you

Ahhh... now see. As you begin to unravel this thing, this "perfect" relationship will slowly begin to reveal itself as not so perfect. That's totally f'ing weird, and apparently they are all weird about sex. Well, they're weird about everything, but especially sex. I think Lisa talks about the no-kissing thing in her book, IIRC.
Sep 14 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
better off
better off's picture

Also, this is kind of

Also, this is kind of unrelated... but you know how I know you were indeed with a narc? You apologize to everyone all the time. ;) And don't respond to this by saying "I'm sorry!" lol
Sep 15 - 1AM (Reply to #14)
Susan32's picture

Constant apologies

Right after I declared my love to the ex-Psych professor, he said, "I'm offended." Here I was, laying my heart bare, taking a RISK... and I was CONSTANTLY apologizing to him despite the fact HE was the one hurting my feelings. I still resent that. I can't believe he STILL has students entrusted to his care, after everything he did to ME. I declared my love... and he'd say "I'm offended/discomfited/embarrassed/disappointed." I was showing affection, and he'd reduce me to tears, IN FRONT OF EVERYONE, yet I was apologizing! How twisted is that???? It's like if he ever complained to me about violating his sacred boundaries, I would not only NOT apologize, but I'd do it gleefully. I'd be like a rampaging Hun. Sack a couple of villages, take the loot, and run. If he said he were offended to me ever again, my response would be "So what." He was such a coward he wanted ME to apologize because he couldn't. There are times I'd love to see him plunge into his Grandiosity Gap like Gollum falling into Mount Doom because he clung to the One Ring.
Sep 15 - 1AM (Reply to #13)
Lotus's picture

I found myself saying sorry too...

In the year that I was involved with my N I would apologize all the time. It would always be after being together physically. Of course you are caught up in the moment and you can't think sraight but always after every interaction I would feel used. I would get that pain in my solar plexus and just feel disgusted. Sometimes I would hold it in and go home and cry and then there were times where I would just breakdown and get emotional. And he would just stand there and tell me to pull it together or I can't act this way at work. The next day at work he would ignore me which killed me even more so I would always end up caving in and apologize for getting emotional.. Lotus


Sep 14 - 8PM (Reply to #3)
almostlydia's picture


Good One. Ain't it the truth. almostlydia


Sep 15 - 11AM (Reply to #4)
blueeyes's picture


I guess mine was different. We open mouth kissed all the time. I recently stopped in July, he asked why. We would kiss for HOURS. Weird. I winder what that was about? I'll never know? Trust, then verify~
Sep 15 - 11AM (Reply to #5)
terri's picture


I'm glad to see that your N was a kisser - mine was too. He loved kissing, the more passionate the better. In fact, he complained toward the end that I was the one who didn't want to kiss anymore - which was correct. I wasn't feeling as attracted to him because of the constant conflict, drama, blaming, criticizing, etc.

Believe in yourself!

Sep 15 - 12PM (Reply to #6)
hooklineandsinker's picture

No, yeah, I've come across

No, yeah, I've come across the whole phenomenon of not wanting to kiss someone as much while in a long-term relationship, have felt that way myself after the initial passion dies down, but that would be after a couple of years, not on the goddam third date!
Sep 16 - 5AM (Reply to #7)
helldweller's picture


Funsize mentioned that everyone stops wanting to kiss as much as the relationship wears on. That never happened with my narc. After four years, he made sure he was so distant, unreliable, etc, and he made sure to keep me hyper-aroused all the time with dirty texts and touching me in public and private constantly, teasing, arousing. When I would complain and cry that we weren't moving ahead at all, weren't getting any closer in our relationship, weren't following through with plans for the future, he would totallly maul me and kiss me passionately, just devour me, and then say, "Who would touch you like that after four years, baby? Who would kiss you like that?" He was so desperately afraid of losing our "honeymoon" phase, our "falling in love" phase, but in the end, though we still kissed "like that" and still felt highly sexual about each other, it was so strange, so twisted, so empty. I fooled myself for a long, long time about it, but there came a point where I just no longer could.
Sep 16 - 7PM (Reply to #12)
hooklineandsinker's picture

Wow, that's so

Wow, that's so manipulative....
Sep 16 - 1PM (Reply to #8)
lisalisa47's picture

Hey Helldweller

Those exact reasons (my first narc was THAT type too, almost down to those very words yours said to you - 18 years married) my second narc confused me with his lack of "sexual attention towards me". My first one had me confusing sex with love, although we are good friends to this day, in fact he and his GF put me up in their house when i left my situation. AND, that first narc was ON IT enough to admit he was a narc and that he was filled with a terrible emptiness - and when he found out with my current ex narc did to my parents, he and his GF both cried over the phone. I think both types are hard to deal with, but they each taught me a valuable lesson: 1. Sex DOES NOT EQUAL LOVE, even when your man still thinks you are the hottest thing around after 18 years - but thats all there is, nothing more. and 2. Sometimes self preservation is so important to a person who is damaged that everything and everyone they touch, they poison. I have this credo i hang onto: Whatever you have INSIDE of you, your TRUE spirit, can't help but come out and be spread around. If you are full of light, you will spread that light to others. If you are full of pain and rage, you will make sure others experience it too. I think all of us here should be proud of ourselves - no matter what stage of "recovery" we are in - because as i am finding out, to survive a narc and all he's implanted in you, and finding the courage to seek a way out, to me, is one of the hardest things to do in the world - but if you stick with it, you find you have had that strength in you all along, and they were trying to STEAL it because they didn't have any at all.


Sep 16 - 1PM (Reply to #9)
Used's picture

sex and love

you are right, sex does not equate love. i always like your profound way of thinking and your posts. but sex = love. no no no.xx
Sep 16 - 1PM (Reply to #10)
lisalisa47's picture

Thanks USED

Isn't it funny how we girls are trained to believe "if he wants me, he must love me" LOL A great song by jane's addiction is Jane says. one of the chorus versus: PARAPHRASED: She doesn't know what love is, she only knows when someone wants her... VERY revealing... hell, i'll post the link... there you go


Sep 16 - 1PM (Reply to #11)
lisalisa47's picture

On the other hand, Interestingly enough, THIS was my ex narc's

FAVORITE Janes addiction song