No More Castles in the Air

My exN devalued and discarded me 4 months ago. I ONLY dated him for 7 months, so it could have been much worse, but it was bad enough. Reading all of the stories on this site is SO inspiring and validating- to see people who are surviving and thriving. The aftermath has been SO hard. I felt like the rug was suddenly pulled out from under my feet- that I'd been living in a castle in the air- poof- gone. My depression and CD were so bad at first that I came really close to just giving up. My mother used to tell me, "Don't be so dramatic, it's not like you've lost a precious jewel. He was a jerk. They're a lot of men like him. A year from now you're going to kick yourself for wasting so much time and energy over that guy." I'm SO glad I found this site and a helpful therapist. Now my mother understands better, and I am so thankful to have my brother and a handful of friends who REALLY get it.

Validation is SO important for me now during the healing process because I have been brainwashed into seeing myself as inadequate. He is just one man, yet I took what he said and how he treated me to heart. TO HEART.

I felt a "deep connection" with the N. He was so caring, affectionate, charming, and sincere...AT FIRST, MOST OF THE TIME. I admired his reserved and humble, yet confident nature, his intellectual "superiority", his success in Economics in spite of childhood wounds and adversity, his eloquent speech, and his dancing skills. His antennae detected my sweet, emotionally generous, trusting nature, my flexible boundaries, my willingness to overlook mistakes and weaknesses in others. Vulnerability ripe for the picking. There was no label on him that read "WATCH OUT: I am a really a covert, condescending emotional manipulator." I trusted him and I opened up to him. Although the "love" he showed me was nothing more than a convenient ego stroke, my feelings were real. I wanted to be able to rely on his love and approval, just like I wanted from my father as a little girl. I had done a lot of work to build myself and had a lot going for me when I first met him (I was in my last year of medical school with positive friends and mentors, taking dancing and singing lessons), but the vulnerability was still there- and it was scraped raw because I took him to HEART. I read and discussed Narcissism and my N to death, and as my mother puts it, I "figured him out." However, that didn't erase the pain. Being alternately treated like a goddess and a doormat rekindled an insecure little girl feeling of "what is wrong with me?"

This man with his empty words. He didn't walk the walk but he talked the talk. He even lied about unnecessary things. When he announced that his mother was visiting from Greece for 4 days, I expected that I would be meeting her since he had already had plans to meet my family. He told me that she doesn't speak any English and would feel left out, that this had been a disaster before. When he invited me out dancing (while his mother was sleeping, jetlagged and exhausted after a daytrip to Niagara Falls), I told him that I would still love to meet her and that I was used to communicating with people non-verbally and with language barriers, that it was more fun. Then he sent me an email saying that he did not feel comfortable about a meeting, that it's not about his mother or me, but it's that he simply doesn't care one way or the other. Then he changed his mind and invited me to meet his mother, saying that I seemed upset, and he saw no reason to keep me upset. His mother, as what I expected for an attorney from Athens, spoke fluent English with an accent. He explained our ease in communication by the fact that I enunciated my words and spoke slowly, that she loved me, and that his mother had REALLY improved her English since last time she visited. Of course, I believed him.

This man with his false humility, empathy, and adoration:
"I need you, you're the sweetest girl I've ever known." "I love the sound of you're voice." I'm making you my number one priority because I love you." "I want to understand you...why didn't you tell me that? Tell me more- I'm so proud of you." "You're first year of residency is going to be tough- I'll be there 100% to support you, I know what it's like in the first year. I believe in you. You're going to be a great doctor. You have the cleverness of your father and the sweetness of your mother" "I know what it's like to come from a dysfunctional family. My father is an ambassador. He threw my mother and us out of the house when I was two. Now he just brags about the houses he buys and the women he sleeps with. My mother was a drama queen and my brother has a bad temper and his fiance always cries, but we're closer now." "You're so patient with me, I can open up to you more than anyone else in my life." "Don't be scared. Be happy. You are a giving person. Those who give shall receive." "I love you with all my heart, it might not seem like that from the outside because they just don't understand how stressful my work is". "Being with you has been the happiest I've been in the last five years of my life."

This man who insulted and patronized me:
"You're adorable but you don't know how to dance", "You look like a Greek bitch", "I wish I could afford to buy you a nice graduation gift like your friends and family", "I'm worried about your loans, if you want I can give you some money", "you're my slut", "Can't you take a joke, don't freak out, don't overanalyze it, you're so sweet but you're so sensitive. "Haha =).....it simply makes me smile to hear that you're leaving residency. I admire your ability to simply adapt and go for something that suits you better. As long as you find something that fits your slow, take your time way of learning you will be fine." "Frankly I don't want to hear from you because it's really hard to hear your voice, but I'm worried about you. I feel bad that I didn't respond in any way knowing that you are in a distress. Call me anytime no questions asked." "Maybe you'll win the nobel prize for revolutionizing dance therapy in psychiatry." "It'd be nice to hear from you from time to time...I might be in another country. But I don't want to hear about your future boyfriends, because you'll always be my Janakita" (That bastard really got a power trip out of seeing how much he crushed my self esteem before NC)

This man who revealed himself in moments of self-loathing and grandiosity:
"You're such a good person, I feel like shit next to you in the mirror." "I'm not an asshole, I'm a good person", "my mother always preferred me to my brother because I was the better person." "You're so happy and you have friends. I'm jealous of you. I wish that I could be a little bit more like you, NOT a lot but just a little." "I was valedictorian of my master's class. I could have gone to Harvard to get my PhD like my brother if I studied Economics all of the time, but I took acting and dancing instead". "I know I'm right." "I don't connect to very many people...my department isn't very friendly. You're my best friend here." "I'm the only 5th year and the best candidate for the job market, but I'm afraid my motherf*ing advisors will screw me over...I've invested years of work, I want to make it perfect."

This man who related to me as a disposable plaything, NOT as a human being. "I wish I had more time with you- I feel like a rabbit chasing a carrot." "You WAY exceeded my expectations...I took SO much from you", he told me. "It was wonderful, but not more than that", "you will always be a reference in my life as a girl I truly loved and truly hurt", "I love you 70% but not 100%, most couples would do just fine like this, but I need to be perfect for someone and I need someone to be perfect for me. I felt a DEEP connection, but I never saw you as a long term partner. I know you love me 100%, and that's okay, I enjoyed it. I don't regret anything."

The D&D happened shortly after I had started my residency program in child neurology, when I was finally becoming financially independent. It was too much to handle at one time, too confusing and too stressful, so I said no more. Financially and psychologically, leaving residency was a real bombshell, but I needed to take a break. At the time, I viewed it as giving up and quitting, but I'm planning to reapply and return when I'm in better shape. Now I'm far away from the N (thank goodness!), but also far from my friends and mentors, unemployed, temporarily living with my mother and brother in the cluttered house where I grew up. I'm that little girl again.

But this time the story will have a different ending. I am going to do the work to validate myself and define my boundaries. Working out the CD and nurturing my self is day by day work. This website helps. DOING things everyday to validate myself helps. Running, salsa dancing, zumba and step at the Y, tutoring, learning guitar, singing, organizing the clutter, phoning friends, laughing with my brother and my mother, and loving our cat and dog. I don't feel 'happy' about where I am right now, but I accept it, the baby steps. It's a chance to build a foothold on more solid ground- and it's SO worth it. We all deserve to give ourselves TLC!