No more silent. and blind..It's a Narc world. Bittersweet . .Progress? part 2

I've been fairly isolated for the last 4 years and have been recovering from the traumatic experiences of "not seeing the danger of the psychopath. IT ROCKED me.. It terrified me. It caused me to doubt my own thoughts and perceptions. Not sure if I ever mentioned that I had believed that I had nothing good to say or speak. I had been brainwashed into believing that I made no sense and that I was a bad communicator. I was silent for a very long time and always apologized for myself when I dared to express my thoughts or insights.

So writing and putting my thoughts out there is HUGE progress for me. I still become anxious about it..but I am learning.. and I TRUST that I will be receive caring(positive or corrective) feedback. NO N's allowed! I have to learn to sort it out on my own.

My husband of 20 years wanted me dead, in every sense of that word. Spiritually, physically, emotionally and mentally DEAD and he nearly had me. STILL hard to speak and type this. It takes my breath away.With no family support or protection.. I nearly went under..I could NOT understand what the heck had happened.

GOD,THIS site and my therapy saved my life in more ways than one.Now I am working on improving it.

Family abuse and rejection:
Now I understand. I had grown. I was on to them and I did not realize that by me talking about the things I saw in my husband. and purging it all to my family about his LIES, manipulation, gaslighting, crazy making, triangulation, wihthholding, silent treatments and punishments..
and more lies...

WELL, I became a threat without knowing it.The family, like my ex had to get rid of me and were trying to all along. I was just too stubborn the take the hints and GO AWAY. Nope I fought for acceptance. HUGE issue of mine! Not anymore.

I now know that they were thinking that if I could see it in HIM.. it was only a matter of time before I could see it in them.

I did not intend to be a threat.. I just could not help myself..I had to purge the truth about him and I desperately needed comforting. support, empathy and some protection.I never even got a hug...nope nothing.

I look back and to when they told me that the things I was describing were nothing.. It blew my mind.. I was beginning to doubt my own sanity... they made me believe that I was overreacting to the ex's behavior!It was HORRIBLE! and oh so cruel.

I did NOT understand..All I had seen, heard and experienced, the tapes, ALL the books, 3 therapists and my son and MY perception were all united.. RUN! and find protection!
but the family minimized it.They acknowledged none of it.. they called me paranoid and crazy.

I was in an even bigger state of confusion because MY family, the ones who were supposed to be my safety net, my support, my protection.. were just the opposite.It was if they were working FOR the psychopath.

My stubbornness and denial...could not face this truth.. SO, looking back, without realizing it.. I focused on them and kept going back to them with more proof, more insight, more begging for them to help me. I wasted 4 more years they are just like HIM. I was really saying (accept me, protect me, find me worthy ,see me)A deep painful childhood need that was never to be.. but It showed me my ISSUE, my void, and my weakness.No wonder i don't care properly for myself.An area I need to work on.

With this new truth.. I am becoming less focused on them and began having more confidence in my self.. ( Ihave far to go) and letting go of the NEED to feel loved and accepted by others..especially my family. I feel much less need prove myself to them. I still fight the old thoughts..but gaining ground everyday.

I have been getting out and meeting new people.. including accepting a dinner( date) now and then.With lots of anxiety.. and apprehension.. BUT I go anyhow. I drag my low self esteem out the door and take the risks.Why? because I know that I need these experiences to re-learn me and others.There are new truths to find..new skills to acquire.

What I am finding is that there are more disordered people than I ever imagined.I am also learning about myself.. by error and by success.I find that I worry about being acceptable and look for others to give me direction and pointers...and then I correct and be myself and relax. I also have speaking up issues. I have to work at it. I am proud of myself for the 40% that I did speak up with a boundary.I'm not steady yet but getting there. Uncomfortable at first but It feels GOOD!
I am finding LOTs of disordered out there.
At first I thought it was me..being afraid and overly cautious.. but NO.. I am seeing things as they are.

No more miss naive and little Miss trusting..or little miss moldable.I am aware of my weaknesses. I am aware that I cannot control others by my managing them.
She is gone and will never be back. I cannot un-see the lessons I have learned.

I have corrected vision now.For others and for myself.

knowing that there are so many disordered out there who are mostly going around undetected..frightens me a little..but the fact that I can see them comforts me. My new education is bittersweet.. I am so sad over this new Knowledge but I am also so GRATEFUL for it. I can now have the chance that my family did NOT want for me. TO look for something better and to have a better chance at recognizing it, is HUGE. I now have a chance at FINDING it. Even better is the hope of finding the true ME.
I have a CHANCE at finding the lost ME. She is emerging slowly and cautiously.

Being around healthy is refreshing and a goal of mine.
Imagine that! good teams... Starting with me and my son.

I am not quite rock solid in my new eyes and therefore.. I must stay away from all N influences as I make this most challenging transition. WHEN I am firm in my beliefs, IN ME, then I will be able to less easily be shaken by their countering of WHAT I AM,SEE, HEAR and BELIEVE.

I am trying out new people.. and waiting for the NON disordered to be revealed.
Those with issues, imperfect and growing are fine and welcome, just like me. I ACCEPT that the disordered exist and there is nothing I have that can be offered to help.I also ACCEPT that THEY have nothing to OFFER me.
I need to let them be. I choose to.I also ACCEPT that I am a work in progress and that my growth was stunted in very many ways over the years due to my experiences with the disordered... but I have the gift of a second chance and take me or leave me... I am going forward!
To the N and P's I encounter along the way,once spotted, I say..

GET the HECK OUT OF MY WAY..IM GOING FORWARD..right through YOU and am leaving YOU behind.. I have BETTER, MUCH MUCH BETTER things to DO.

After a lifetime of oppression and rejection.. I have found a voice and it is my own. I spent so many silent years being told that I was a bad communicator and that I made no sense..and unacceptable. It feels good to SPEAK.. to laugh to communicate to try out new thoughts and things.. I'll be ok. I'll learn. Take it or leave it.. use YOUR free will and know that I am ok with that. I may or may not, get better at expressing myself..I may choose to put my energy elsewhere, but I will NOT ACCEPT the MUZZLE any longer.NO more silence. I want to speak and learn and the only way IS TO TRY IT. I am far less afraid to TRY. could anything be harder or more painful than near death?

THIS site is CHOCKED FULL of LIFE saving KNOWLEDGE.. and full of story after story.. that proves that WE need to wake up and step into the reality that there are more disordered than we ever imagined.

I wonder about the petty complainers here.. do they not see the HUGE GIFT that they are receiving? Do they NOT see that THIS SITE, information and support IS NEEDED,Trail blazing, LIFE ALTERING and in many cases like mine, LIFE SAVING?

I feel shock when I see the complaints that end up in giving up the gifts here.
I've spent more than half of my lifetime(I'm 50) focusing on the N needs and trying to"fix" their problems and issues. to understand THEM. ughhhhhh!! IT's MY TURN! I am now focusing on MY OWN issues and with the help of those who care about me..they will help me see them. Hunter where are you?.. so I will have a chance.!
My shields are down for non N's. YAY!!

YAY! YAY Happy dance... with my big morning hair and sloppy socks.. I am on my way.

Janie.. open the curtains.

Truth
ps.. I will cry when I need to, as I need to.. and I will not apologize or stuff it to deal with your hangnail that needs addressing.Prioritizing! HA! lol you get the idea.. ughhh Narcs!