Nothanx' story

I am new on this site. I have been reading the posts and message boards for awhile, but I have never shared. My story is similar to most, but also very different. The same because it is confusing, full of emotional abuse, and that I saw the red flags but chose to ignore them. Different in the details.

My narc entered my life after a painful divorce from my first husband. I was lonely and afraid to raise two kids on my own. I had been a stay at home mom and wife for many years, and I was starting a whole new scary but exciting life. After about a year I started online dating and quickly met my narc. We started with email, progressed to phone and then met for a drink. When I saw him waiting for me at the bar he took my breath away! I thought he was so handsome (almost a little disappointed because I thought he was too handsome for me, and I thought he would never be into me). We had been talking for awhile on the phone, so we had no problem settling into a good conversation, and he seemed way into me (which surprised me). He was all the things my ex hubby was not (educated, tall, new a lot about wine and gourmet food, and complimentary), and I was hopeful he would continue calling me.

He did the "cool" guy thing and waited 3 days to call me, and I was so happy to hear from him. We talked on the phone every night that week and made plans to spend most of the weekend together (I do remember thinking that it was odd that he had the whole weekend available, but he was new in town...). He seemed to have all the right answers as to why he was still single with no children at age 40. He had had 3 long term relationships, each lasting around 5 years.

Our next date was to a friend of mines BBQ.

We made an agreement to Kiss immediately at the front door when he picked me up, so we could avoid the awkward first date not knowing when to kiss moment. When he came to the door I was ready with fresh breath and all, but he took a look at me and got nervous and totally ignored me. Kinda left me hangin with my arms open ready for the kiss we agreed on. I just kinda shook it out of my head and carried on confused (I mean wtf, he had already seen me, so my looks were not a shock (he told me he thought I was beautiful) and He was the one who suggested to stupid kiss). That night I was NOT into him, I thought he was weird and that something was "off". I remember asking my friend "what did you think of my date?" and she said "well he seemed nice but kinda weird.

My gut instinct made me feel he was gay, but I brushed it off. I made up my mind that I was going to cancel the rest of the weekend. When I told him my "excuse" he got huffy but shortly became all charming again and kinda begged me to squeeze in a little time to go out to dinner. I went...wish I could take that back! He was very fun and charming again during dinner, and then we went for a sunset walk and I fell more under his spell. I wanted a relationship so bad that I overlooked his weirdness that continued to emerge.

The MAJOR red flags in the beginning were: too many phone calls (he would call first thing in the morning and if I didn't answer he would call repeatedly until I picked up), he tried to talk dirty with me on the phone (I even thought I could hear him masturbating, now I know he was),he mentioned that he preferred to masturbate as opposed to real sex, he had no real friends to speak off (he wanted to spend all his time with me, even kinda desperate like "when can I see you next"), he drank too much wine, he said off colored remarks that made the hairs on my neck stand up (like I am really into "big girls" like you, or “ I am used to small perky boobs but I guess yours are ok“), when we had sex he could not orgasm after trying every trick I had up my sleeve! (I just couldn't figure this out, because my ex husband was all about the orgasm, so of course I felt inadequate), he was hard to get quality information out of (liked to only give me bits of info, and when I asked for him to elaborate he insinuated that I was prying), and the big one is that he kept mentioning this girl at his work that kinda broke his heart (let‘s call her Robin).

Over the next few months he love bombed me with attention. He really was kinda like a sticky booger that I could not get rid of. He would come over every night after my kids went to sleep and take a walk with me (I was living at my moms, so she was home while I went for the walks). We started staying at his place on the weekends (I lived with my mom so we had no choice).

At this point he really annoyed me with is off colored, mean comments and often I would threaten to leave his place. As soon as I got upset and started to get my stuff packed he would beg me to stay and Physically block me or hide my keys so I had to stay and listen to his confusing excuses and this is when he told me he was in love with me. I finally introduced him to my kids, and we went to the county fair. That night when he brought me home he came in to visit for a while. W

hile he was in my room he noticed my High school yearbook, and quickly started looking through it. I thought he was looking up me but come to find out he was looking up that girl that broke his heart from work (Robin), apparently we went to the same high school, around the same time. After he found her picture he then text msged her about it. I was very mad and offended but I acted like it didn't bother me, because I had the feeling that the more it bothered me the more he would do. Another really weird and surprising thing is that when we would fight he would often storm out and go home in a huff, but he would get over it really quick, like 20 min, and then call me to say he was sorry and over it.

This type stuff kept happening until finally he said he needed time to sort out his feelings. I was kinda relieved and said call me if you get your head straight. Needless to say he called. I am embarrassed to say that it took very little effort on his part to get me back, only now I was confused and off balance. This next round he started in right away with the mysterious behavior, but for some stupid reason I thought he was trying to make me jealous or play games.

What he was really doing was obsessing about Robin. Some of the weird/mean things he did to me during this time were things like orchestrate an “accidental” run in at Robin’s favorite bar (of course I was clueless until I saw her). He practically ran over to her , and then pointed in my direction in an effort to make her jealous. I was furious that he used me so blatantly and stormed out of the bar, but he came after me with some of his bullshit and I fell for it. Another time he hosted a party , and when I showed up I was surprised to see that Robin was there. He told me that Robin had come because she really wanted to be my friend. She really chatted me up and came across like a nice person.

Later that night while having sex he tells me “you know it is so weird but I really am in love with two people at the same time” and that he had been to a concert with Robin and they ended up Making out in her car. Well that broke the mood (even though he would never have cum anyway!). His excuse was that he really needed to get her out of his system and that by making out with her he proved that he was not imagining her interest. I was mad of course, but he assured me that he was finally getting over her.

This time it was a little harder to convince me to reconcile, so he bought me some expensive Diamond earrings. I fell for it! This was to be the cycle of our relationship for the next 3 years. Each cycle getting weirder and weirder. He would get better for a while then he would start devaluing everything I did which cause me panic and made me suspicious. I forgot to mention that the reason that Robin gave for never wanting to officially date him was that she filed a sexual harassment charge on him when they first started dating (he called her too much). That was total bs on her part because she was sure willing to except all the gifts he bought her or coffee and lunch he went and got her everyday (Starbucks every day for 2 years, wtf). He always maintained he was obsessed with gaining back his reputation, and that meant getting her to openly admit they were dating, whatever. This continued off and on for the next 2 years.

Finally, he had had it and was going to apply for a new job away from Robin. I helped him fill out his resume and fine tuned a presentation that helped him get his new great paying job. He was now going to be making twice the money and be away from Robin. Thing were finally going to turn around. Before he had the official word from the new job he bought a new car, and I found out that he offered to take Robin for a test drive. (I think I forgot to mention that I turned into a private detective and figured out all of his passwords to ALL his email - even his work account and I was monitoring all his on-line interactions. This is important because most of his relationship with robin was via work or email as she would very rarely take his calls or take him up on his offers to spend time together. Well needless to say he started up with the devaluing again and stormed out of my house with some bogus excuse to be mad at me. I got a text msg saying he got the final word and the new job was his. I just knew he was going to come over and try to make up, and of course we would go out for a celebratory dinner.

Well he never showed. He called the next day and said he needed to come over and talk. I already knew what was coming! He said now that he and Robin were not co-workers they were free to date openly and that Robin was eager to prove they could really make a go of their relationship. I was sooooo pissed, but I kept my cool and told him to follow his heart but when it falls apart don’t expect me to be there to pick up the pieces. I will never forget the smug look on his face as he was leaving. His parting words were “ It is so weird, but I ALWAYS get what I want…I have the job I want, the car I want and now even the girl I want. Isn’t life strange?”. Well this just about drove me over the edge! I had severe panic attacks and could not eat or sleep. The idea of these 2 awful, conniving, selfish people being together and happy was just too much.

Now remember that I still had access to all his on-line activity, so I could monitor the happenings, to some extent. The chatter was way up at first, but within a few days it dwindles to almost nothing. I took this as problems for the new lovebirds, but my best friend said “hello, of course they are not emailing and texting because they are with each other all the time”. I know this sounds mean on her part, but she just so wanted me to be done with it all. He started calling me within 3 days for dumb reasons. I ignored his calls, but he continued. I finally told him to leave me the f*ck alone, and that I would not be in his life at all. He laid off for a while, but then started up again with the calls and texts, and stopping by my house (only to have a door slammed in his face).

You would think this would be the end and he would get a clue but Oh No, not my Narc. He kept it up. I even found a note he left for me by the computer one night when I was on a walk, which means he came into my house while I was out. Well, I am sorry to report that he came back in a big way and asked me to marry him. I said yes, against the advice from my family and friends. I even knew (threw my email monitoring ) that the week before we left for Vegas he sent Robin an e-mail asking if she was sure that it was over. She said yes it was over. Later I asked him was he planning on canceling on our wedding plans if Robin had given him any hope, he said No he would have gotten married to me because I was the best choice for his future. Vegas was fabulous and I really had hope that he was ready to be done with all the game playing. We came home and moved all his stuff into my house and made plans to get my place comfortable for us and my kids. He hated his new high paying dream job and dreaded going everyday.

He started drinking a lot after work, and would get verbally abusive. He never wanted to have sex and made up excuses every night. When he would do me the favor of having sex with me he would bring in his laptop computer and find just the right porn video and play it behind my head. He would satisfy me, but always in the end he had to masturbate to get off. He would spend hours looking at porn, some times a whole day. He could masturbate like 10 times. Very weird because he could not cum through sex. He told me that he just did not find me sexually attractive, and that sex was just too much work and it was yucky.

I started noticing that he was coming home for lunch a lot and this stressed me out because I knew he was jacking off to porn. Shortly after he moved in I went through all his stuff (detective mode still) because I still just did not trust him. In his top drawer I found and old pair of stocking that I had left at his house from when we first started dating. When I left the stockings at his house they were brand new and I only wore them briefly (to try and turn him on, as this is what he said would do it). Now these same stockings were totally shredded. Well you all know that the only way to shred stockings is by putting them on. This made me sick and suspicious (more than I already was). I also found a sex “toy” that is used for anal pleasure. I was mortified and had no clue what I should do. I didn’t want to confront him because I had been snooping, and I was afraid he would blow up. I was for sure upset about the “toy” but the stocking I had no proof that he was wearing them, so I set up a trap.

Because I had new insight into his bizarre desires I remembered that a few days earlier my under wear drawer seemed messier than what I had left it, and now I started to remember that my black garter belt was out of place. To test my suspicions before I left for work one day, I left the garter belt fastened and folded a certain way that I could tell if it had been messed with. I was sure if anything was going on it would be happening during his lunches at home.

Sure as shit when I came home and checked, that damn garter was folded way different than the way I left it and it was unfastened. The only reason to unfasten it would be, in my opinion, to put it on. I tried several other variations of this test (with all my lingerie) and he failed every time. The evidence was too much to ignore. He used to go out of town once a month for jury duty and had to stay overnight. The next time he left I checked for his favorite stuff and guess what, they were all missing. He took his collection with him. I confronted him and he totally admitted it. He said “ so I like a little something silky, it feels good” No embarrassment or apologies.

As sick as it sounds, I actually thought that this was the missing link and maybe if I was accepting of his habits we could have a good sex life. WRONG!!!!! He got meaner and weirder. I finally flipped out and threw his stuff out screaming and punching him! He said he was sorry but he just could not shake his feelings for Robin, and that was the reason for all his bad behavior.

Cut to the end… After he lost his job, and crashed his car (remember the “I always get what I want good bye speech? First the girl was gone, then the job, then the car …haha) he came to me begging to have his beautiful wife back, and how could he have been so stupid to give me up I was the love of his life. He stalked me and called repeatedly (so much so that I had to change my number) and held me hostage with no sleep for an entire night untill I agreed to go to counseling with him. He agreed to quit drinking (which he did), go to therapy (both couple and individual), get on medication (which he did) and never have contact with Robin again (I think he did do this for the last year, but who knows). I am a sucker for him, but at least I was smart enough to not let him move back in with me.

In couples therapy our therapist told us we had little hope because so much trust had been broken, and she recommended individual therapy for both of us. I went weekly for a while and so did he but soon he started slacking off. I decided to make an appointment with our couples therapist, but I went to see her by myself. She said she can’t diagnose him because she only saw him twice but she said he was “ not all there” and that as soon as we came into her office he mentally checked out. She said that with his strange sexual habits and sadistic personality there was very little hope of him “getting better”.

I started spending more time away from him and demanding time to spend with my friends and family. He went into guilting mode, and tried very hard to keep me in his life through manipulation (like I can’t believe I bought you all that nice jewelry and you can’t even spend the whole weekend with me), and beating me down mentally (mostly with withholding sex, or turning me down for sex after he would get me all worked up via kissing and fondling).

A strange thing happened…
When Robin was out of the picture and the drama faded (not the mean comments, or porn, or inappropriate sexual comments about other women, or not wanting to have sex, or isolating me, or secretiveness) I got my brain back and realized I never really liked him. I was kept in a constant state of confusion, and I was beaten down, so I could not see that he bugs the hell out of me. I went back to my original opinion of him as being a pathetic weird person and I told him to get out of my life. Of course he has not gone willingly, but I ignore his attempts at contact. Last week he sent me an email that was so very manipulative and hit on all my week points and I will admit it made me miss him.

We did spend a lot of time together and he could be very fun. I ignored his email and he came over with the love bombing, and also to slip in that he is renting Robin’s house and that he has been back under her spell since I broke up with him. He has now come to his senses yet again and can’t live without me. I have not answered any for his calls or texts and I thought he finally got it that I am not coming back, but tonight again with the calling. I just don’t get why he won’t go away and let me get on with my life. If you got this far, thanks for taking the time to read. I think I really just needed to get it out and read it for myself, as I am still trying to wrap my brain around the whole thing. The really sad part is that this is just a fraction of the strange things he did to me. I could go on and on, because I keep thinking of mean or weird things he did.

P.S. he told me a story once, and said this pretty much sums his personality up. The story is about a turtle and a scorpion, and the scorpion needs to get across the river, so he asks the turtle to let him have a ride. The turtle says no because I am afraid you will sting me. The scorpion begs the turtle for a ride and promises not to sting the turtle. The turtle agrees and the scorpion gets on for his ride across the river. Just as they are nearing the end of the ride across the river, the scorpion stings the turtle. In shock the turtle screams "you promised you would not sting me if I gave you a ride, but you did! Why did you do that?" The scorpion replies " I'm a scorpion, it's in my nature". [I wish I had listened to this story more closely].