Oh, no he didn't (at Day 38)

Oh, yes he did.

A little background...I am a pharmacist. I work in a small town that is about an hours' drive from my home. It also happens to be about a 45-minute drive from ex-N's home. I, of course, work on some weekends.

This was my work weekend. This afternoon, I was standing in the pharmacy, occupied with some task I was trying to finish. I wasn't paying attention to the front part of the store. Then I heard a familiar throat-clearing cough. It couldn't be. I looked up, and there he stood, grinning at me from ear to ear. WTF? He wasn't close enough to speak. He stood there smiling for a few seconds, then he must have seen the look on my face. He turned around and walked straight out the door. His shit-eating grin had turned to a dark, angry face in the blink of an eye. Oh, he was pissed, because I didn't light up when I saw him. I didn't run out to see him. I didn't motion for him to come talk to me. Obviously, he could see the look in my eyes that told him everything I was thinking.

I'm sure he expected a different reaction from me. I'm sure he thinks that I'll eventually come crawling back, like I have before. I know he thought I'd call him after he left. He's probably still waiting for me to cave in and call him. This is messing with his mind.

I have to admit that in that split-second when I first saw him, I got the same old feeling. My heart kind of skipped a beat. That feeling was quickly replaced by anger, and something close to disgust. I am guessing that's what he saw. I'm also guessing that he thought standing there with his shirt unbuttoned halfway down the front would make me swoon and fall into his arms. Whatever he thought, he didn't think it long.

After he left, I expected to feel overcome with sadness, missing the old times and what we had. That didn't happen. What I did think, for a fleeting moment, was that I can't believe it's really over, for good this time. That thought was replaced with the reminder to never, ever forget what he did to me. All the lies, all the cheating, all the degrading and devaluing, all the abuse...everything I endured for 19 years. I will not forget. I forgive him and let it go, but I will never forget. He's always counted on my heart to win out over my head, and it always has. But not this time, and I think maybe he saw that finality in my eyes today.

Driving home, I was thinking back over the incident, and how I handled it exactly right, this time. I was kind of proud of myself. And not only that, I was proud of how I looked today...I've been taking care of myself, eating right, sleeping more, working out, drinking more water...and it must show. (Also, I was having a GREAT hair day and wearing a black turtleneck that he always thought looked good on me.) Haha! I've had this thought in the back of my mind for all these past 38 days that taking care of myself and looking my best would be best for me, as well as my best revenge. Turns out I was right. I haven't had to do a thing for revenge, it's taking care of itself.

What I'm feeling now is a kind of indifference. I have completely changed my thought patterns and when I start to go back in time and dwell on something good, I mentally pull out the list of all the BAD things, which is far longer.

I can't believe that asshole thought he'd just waltz into my store wearing his shirt undone and that smile, and I'd just melt again like always. Ha. His OW must have been busy this afternoon. The best part is that now he KNOWS he is unmasked for what he is.

I'm still going to have good days and bad days, but how I reacted today showed me that I WILL get past this, and I'm making progress. Thanks to all of you who've helped me come so far...I wanted you to know that your efforts and encouragement have not been in vain!

All of us can do this, together.

xoxoxo

THB