Ok where is my link loving friends..need assistance

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#1 Dec 4 - 10PM
Gaia
Gaia's picture

Ok where is my link loving friends..need assistance

I am interested in how to spot a narc, when I go out into the world again. But, all the sites I find are about red flags, like grandiose thoughts, lack of emapathy..etc. but, my XN was stealth, COVERT to the extreme. he didnt display the red flags in the beginning. So, what do we do? Do we invest, again take a chance, and find out 6 months down the road he is a NPD, and we are hurt AGAIN.
Some NPD are not so blatent, but I want to be fully armed and ready to take the next NPD down or avoid them all together,
So anyone have any good resources, that can help you detect these monsters before you get involved. Besides the same old red flags, because they dont show them all the time upfront.

Thanks everyone!
G XXOO

Dec 5 - 2PM
Gaia
Gaia's picture

great feedback!

Thank you everyone for your feedback, I love learning about new stuff on these disorders, and finding out about books too :D ((BIG HUGS)) Hunter- Unfortunately, this guy wasnt living w/ his Mum when I met him, he had some roommates he was shacked up with. That didnt last long though, and his criminal record was obtained months after we were involved. Just my luck. But, definitely if I had seen these things firsthand, I would be running! They are some clever little devils. Huh? :)
Dec 5 - 8AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

I'm sorry .. You say you

I'm sorry .. You say you didn't have red flags?? Your first clue is he lives with his mother .. Your second clue is he has a criminal record.. And that's what I know.. With those 2 items in his shopping cart .. That should be enough information. Hunter
Dec 5 - 5AM
Hermes
Hermes's picture

Gaia

Most useful, and IMO the best "Stalking the Soul" by Dr. Marie-France Hirigoyen (a French psychiatrist). Can be got on Amazon. The true NPD-disordered will show NO red flags at the outset (we are not talking here the common jerk/loser/abuser who does usual "show" early on. Hermes
Dec 5 - 2AM
Journey
Journey's picture

If something doesn't feel

If something doesn't feel right, then it isn't. My exN was stealth too in the beginning, but there were still clues had I known it was a possibility that he was a narc. We know now that we must always pay attention to how we feel with people. If there is discomfort, then back away until clarity is found. A healthy man who is interested, will not flinch about that. He will respect us as people and will not push us into being 'played' with charm and compliments. How he reacts to a story (not about us), that should evoke empathy is also a good heads up. Though they can fake that, they'd not likely think we were paying attention to the authenticity of it and the mask might not be on tight enough in that moment to hide their lack. Just a thought.

Journey on...

Dec 5 - 2AM
freaked
freaked's picture

Gaia, check out HB page

This is a comprehensive list of red flags posted a the Heartless Bitches' most excellent blog here http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/redflaglist.shtml BUT... please consult with the Wise Ones here before you even think of dating again. There is a Healing Period during which we have to soothe our spirit and regain our Soul. Only afterwards , it is ok to date again. otherwise, it just doesn't work. Experience of many many many... we must heed this advise.
Dec 4 - 11PM
TNR1
TNR1's picture

First, before you even

First, before you even attempt the whole dating scene again, the best thing is to ensure that you have given yourself enough time to process what you have experienced and grieve the loss of what you thought was going to be. Part of armouring yourself is getting to understand yourself and what drew you to the Narc and what may have driven the Narc to you. A sign for me is someone who comes across as too intense...someone who pursues me right away. Narcs tend to be very "in the moment" individuals. I remember when I met Mr. N, he literally followed me to a bar and waited for me to become available and then he literally pulled me over to a table and wanted to know so much about me. At the time, I thought it was endearing...now I know he was gathering arsenol to win me over.
Dec 4 - 11PM (Reply to #2)
Gaia
Gaia's picture

Hello TRN1!

Thank you for your reply, I totally agree with you! I do recall X , being "very in the moment,and INTENSE!" I definitely will take it very slow from now on, make sure I am healthy as well. I dont want to ever get trapped like I have been again. So, I am looking for all wisdom, knowledge to arm myself. XX G
Dec 5 - 5AM (Reply to #4)
Hermes
Hermes's picture

Signs

And Dr. Joe Carver (from article on his website www.drjoecarver.com) has this to say: "Quick Attachment and Expression "The Loser" has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to "The Loser" is how quickly he or she says "I Love You" or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you'll hear that you're the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You'll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the "honeymoon phase" - where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying "If it's too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!" You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you'll miss the major point - it doesn't make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks. It's true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause "The Loser" to detach from you as quickly as they committed. "The Loser" typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship. "
Dec 4 - 11PM (Reply to #3)
Gaia
Gaia's picture

He would

stare at me so much the first few weeks of dating, it was very creepy. Was he reading my soul???..probably. Its so hard to distinquish between what is normal, or not. Like its good to make eye contact when you talk..etc...