OMG LOOK AT MY HOROSCOPE YOU WONT BELIEVE IT

Look at my horoscope for the past few days and for the week from Johnathan Cainer: Holy Crap

Scorpio, Tuesday, 29 March 2011
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What goes up, must come down. But what about what goes down? Must that always come back up again? Actually, yes, it must. There's not a bone you can bury, not an issue you can ignore, not an event that you can blot out the memory of forever. Sooner or later whatever has happened will have a consequence and, sooner or later, too, everything negative will be turned into something positive. Without exception. That is the way of the world in which we live. And today, for you, that's great news. Now please, keep reading, if you haven't yet had a full personal chart reading, calculated from your date of birth, you have been missing out. Change your future.

Scorpio, Wednesday, 30 March 2011
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Something is no longer falling apart. Now it is slowly starting to come back together. It is no longer going wrong. Now it is going right again. You need no longer feel anxious or insecure. Even if you have yet to see clear proof of the change, it will arrive before too much longer. You have been obliged to take a good close look at an awkward situation. This has put you through an intense, exhausting process but it has helped to ensure that you now know everything you need to know in order to fix a pressing problem. Now please, keep reading, if you haven't yet had a full personal chart reading, calculated from your date of birth, you have been missing out. Change your future.

Scorpio, Saturday, 26 March 2011
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Your Week Ahead: I'd give up if I were you. I mean, what's the point? Why bother? It's probably all going to fizzle out in a fog of futility... or... Sorry, I can't go on like this. I'm trying my best to be pessimistic because I can see that you are now wrestling with a deep doubt and a morose misgiving. I thought that perhaps, by echoing this sentiment, I might help you see how defeatist you are being. The trouble with negativity, though, is that it works rather like a vortex or a vacuum. If you summon it, even in jest, it can suck you a long way down. Watch for that this week. Keep the faith and the faith will keep you.

Your Week Ahead - Love Focus: 'If you're happy and you know it clap your hands.' So goes the old children's song. But what if you're happy and you don't know it? What if you are so caught up in some passing drama that you have completely forgotten the deep well of contentment that resides within your soul? What if you are under so much pressure that the full focus of your attention is on a problem? What if you are forgetting that it is not the be-all and end-all of your existence? It's not so much that coming events will make you happy, more that they will remind you of what you already have to be happy about.